Love...it's a funny thing and i don't understand it.
i used to be afraid of it--the craziness of being attached to one person for life and the fear of being with the wrong one...and i still wonder and feel afraid of falling in love with someone who decieves you and says he's one thing but then shows his true colors...
but that wouldn't be love, would it? and my God is good, He can keep me from those who would say one thing and mean something else...
my God knows my heart so well...sometimes I forget this fact. but He does. my life is held in hands of love, and when that time comes and I am supposed to meet him--him whom my soul loves, him who i have been waiting and praying for--God will orchestrate it so beautifully. i wouldn't be surprised if music was playing and the moment just turns magic--because my God likes to bless me that way...just because i am His own
i think i'm ready for love, but i leave that part of my story securely in His hands. He has such beauty in store, i don't want to mar it by meddling. mmmm, He is good. He has good for us, His kids.
i write all this because I just saw engagement pictures of a couple who most would say are awkward and old fashioned--but there was such love and light on their faces in these pictures--it was glorious...these two have waited and have done it right--and you just know, just from looking at their faces, that its going to be blessed. so blessed. i haven't even seen them lately--and probably won't for a while--but even just the pictures (such a crude representation) put tears in my eyes and just fill me with such joy. the look on her face...the way he beholds her...the truth they know together and the God who fills them both up and will lead them on--it was all there, it was all there and it was...beautiful, awe inspiring, lifting, new, glorious, outrageously good--where are the words?
i am so glad for them, not just for their joy that has come and continues to come--but because they put God on display in a world that seems...can seem, no actually IS broken. they show that you don't have to sleep together to see if it will work and you can find a glorious joy in honoring each other and keeping each other at arms length--remembering that you don't belong to each other yet: he is His and she is His until the day that He joins them together...
i am glad too because this is what my God does. and if He would do that for Andrew and Breanna, maybe...someday...He would do it for me.
not because i'm anything special
not because i've won His affections
not because i deserve it
but just because He loves me
and i am one of His kids
and He loves to bless His kids
You give me hope Jesus...again and again. I will wait for You and for him, for as long as it takes. keep my heart running, overflowing with Your joy and grace as i wait for that day
haiti will never be the same
heaven will never be the same
our families will never be the same
"Behold, I AM MAKING ALL THINGS NEW"
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
I do not like people who pick on other people, especially when the one being picked on can't do a thing in their defense.
You wouldn't think this would come up in the Simpson library--but oh, it does! I'm still shaking from an encounter with a guy who decided to bug my friend.
And its funny, because she's trying to write on a paper on inter-racial reconciliation and we just run into this tension----------------vijf
Jesus, I don't like this world sometimes. I saw a crow with a lame foot in the parking lot today and it made me cry--something deeper is bugging me, this brokenness that goes beyond what I know--it's so deep...
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....
I realize I haven't written anything for a long time--I think that is part of my tension and frustration--I am someone who needs to be letting it out through words on the page all the time and I haven't allowed myself that outlet lately--so here's the flood. Better in the safety of the Simpson library with a computer screen in front of me than tomorrow in the middle of junior high...right?
These last three? (has it only been three? whoa!) weeks have felt more like three years. I am, oh man, just trying to figure out where I am and how it all works as a student teacher at my new placement. Some days have been rough--so rough! I just walk away and can feel so alone and tired. The victories are small, but substantial. Jesus is walking with me.
There's such a tension in this class--I know kids can do hard work and come out with beautiful stuff--its just that they won't even try sometimes. I try and try to motivate and move them forward and most days--it can be like a brick wall. I don't know why they can't just write: sometimes they can...bleh, bleh, bleh...
I'm going to try a trick and keep them away from a sort of outline they created...maybe once I hand it back to them in a week they'll discover some inspiration.
I teach science this week too. We'll see how that goes :) haha, bleh, bleh, bleh...
What else needs to come out?
They need respect--I gotta teach it to them. No one else has. That made me cry one day--I was so overcome by how rude they could be--not the least amount of respect was shown to me...
Oh Jesus, give me great love to override the great hate, the great tension, the great laziness, the great sorrow...I know you can give me what I need.
Tired--needing You--hungry
I fall at Your feet
You wouldn't think this would come up in the Simpson library--but oh, it does! I'm still shaking from an encounter with a guy who decided to bug my friend.
And its funny, because she's trying to write on a paper on inter-racial reconciliation and we just run into this tension----------------vijf
Jesus, I don't like this world sometimes. I saw a crow with a lame foot in the parking lot today and it made me cry--something deeper is bugging me, this brokenness that goes beyond what I know--it's so deep...
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....
I realize I haven't written anything for a long time--I think that is part of my tension and frustration--I am someone who needs to be letting it out through words on the page all the time and I haven't allowed myself that outlet lately--so here's the flood. Better in the safety of the Simpson library with a computer screen in front of me than tomorrow in the middle of junior high...right?
These last three? (has it only been three? whoa!) weeks have felt more like three years. I am, oh man, just trying to figure out where I am and how it all works as a student teacher at my new placement. Some days have been rough--so rough! I just walk away and can feel so alone and tired. The victories are small, but substantial. Jesus is walking with me.
There's such a tension in this class--I know kids can do hard work and come out with beautiful stuff--its just that they won't even try sometimes. I try and try to motivate and move them forward and most days--it can be like a brick wall. I don't know why they can't just write: sometimes they can...bleh, bleh, bleh...
I'm going to try a trick and keep them away from a sort of outline they created...maybe once I hand it back to them in a week they'll discover some inspiration.
I teach science this week too. We'll see how that goes :) haha, bleh, bleh, bleh...
What else needs to come out?
They need respect--I gotta teach it to them. No one else has. That made me cry one day--I was so overcome by how rude they could be--not the least amount of respect was shown to me...
Oh Jesus, give me great love to override the great hate, the great tension, the great laziness, the great sorrow...I know you can give me what I need.
Tired--needing You--hungry
I fall at Your feet
Saturday, October 6, 2012
My King is in Love with Me!
I'm sitting in a crowded Starbucks, feeling slightly sleepy and overwhelmed, but happy.
I have a lot going on...first SOLO!!! week of student teaching just passed (five more days to go in second grade!), life, TPA's (don't get me started)...all the lots of stuff. And yet, in the midst of this crazy, Jesus is calling. And the crazier thing--I'm listening.
I feel like the past few weeks God has been calling me to fall in love with Him again. Love Me, sing for Me, He says...and I have been. It's like a reawakening--and there have been things that tried to stop it. Remember that guy I liked? God has brought healing out of all that and through it--I can basically hang out with him and be normal now (more normal than ever before :) but for some reason, my mind kept going back to it the last month. I would just be in a tizzy (I like that word) for no reason--I hadn't even seen him recently! Finally two weeks ago one of my friends prayed for me for it and I have literally been freed all over again. JESUS! THAT is a GREAT feeling :) More and more freedom...and then I was feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed by my life (Robin trying to do all the work on her own...yikes!) that I literally made myself sick. That was one of the worst days of my life. But God reminded me in that time that I need to really lean into Him for all my strength and support--He has to be my Rock, or I am totally unable.
And then last night happened--oh crazy, let me tell you about it! Worship night at the Stirring with Jesus bringing me completely to me my knees and then just kneeling before Him, crying out--for Haiti, for Redding, for His bride who needs Him so and must be brought back to Him. I worshipped with all that I had--you know the feeling (maybe)--pouring out my life before Him for whatever He has--Haiti or otherwise--and then we stopped.
The worship leaders told us that they felt as though God just wanted us to spend the next few minutes with Him, speaking to us, touching us, individually. He talked about his son, his five month old (Jenna's baby!) and how Samuel will sometimes be looking everywhere but at His dad. His little eyes dart around and all that that dad wants is for his son to look at him and know how intensely he loves him. We do that with God. We're looking everywhere else, and we don't allow Him to just look us in the eyes and love us. So, for the next few minutes, we were to give God our undivided attention--look Him straight in the eyes.
I knew exactly what he was talking about. I have spent the better part of the last year not looking God in the eye--and it's partly because I'm afraid of what I'll see. What if all those deep desires (the ones that, for heaven's sake!, He's putting in me) don't get fulfilled? What if what He has for me is something I can't stomach and don't want? What if...? And isn't that the worst, isn't that distrust to its fullest? I'm afraid of the God of the universe and what He'll do for me. But God got past all of that last night, miraculously. Perhpas I was finally able to say that He is good and He always does what is good because I have seen it for the last two months of my life. Joy, fullness, hope--they have all been my portion in this season which I was afraid would be one of the driest of my life. I see and know more than ever before that if God is my portion and He is the one leading in my life it all ends in good: in joy, hope, trust, such life! So I worshipped Him and celebrated Him for being that in my life last night...and then He spoke to me (if you can call pictures words :)
We were sitting there, in the dark, my eyes closed and suddenly, I was in a garden, glowing with life and vitality, total purity and I was dressed in white. I knew this was my garden with God and I was smiling up at Him--those smiles that light up your face and He said, "My Bride." I'm tearing up even thinking about it. See, this is one of those deep secret desires that I have had planted in my life lately--one which I had not even given voice to, it was too painful. I hadn't even been consciously aware of it, this desire. I wanted to be a bride so badly, but I just didn't ever see it happening, so even though it is such a vital part of my heart--just crying out!--I shut it down (or tried to). But last night God spoke directly to that part of my heart. He answered that cry as only our God can: You are My Bride. You are all I ever dreamed of or planned or hoped you would be. You fulfill it all.
I wept--maybe with relief. It was such a brilliant, beautiful picture and to know that I am His treasured One and He looks on me as a bride...I can't help but stand in wonder. Jesus is all I will ever need.
Jesus is all I will ever need.
Jesus is all I will ever need.
And I know that will be fought against and there is still a battle to be won; but this I also know: I am His.
And He is mine.
Beautiful bride....beautiful bride...beautiful bride...
Here's to Your return Jesus! Come soon!
Back to the world of Starbucks and TPA's...but somehow it seems filled with glory now.
My King loves me. I can rest content in Him.
I have a lot going on...first SOLO!!! week of student teaching just passed (five more days to go in second grade!), life, TPA's (don't get me started)...all the lots of stuff. And yet, in the midst of this crazy, Jesus is calling. And the crazier thing--I'm listening.
I feel like the past few weeks God has been calling me to fall in love with Him again. Love Me, sing for Me, He says...and I have been. It's like a reawakening--and there have been things that tried to stop it. Remember that guy I liked? God has brought healing out of all that and through it--I can basically hang out with him and be normal now (more normal than ever before :) but for some reason, my mind kept going back to it the last month. I would just be in a tizzy (I like that word) for no reason--I hadn't even seen him recently! Finally two weeks ago one of my friends prayed for me for it and I have literally been freed all over again. JESUS! THAT is a GREAT feeling :) More and more freedom...and then I was feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed by my life (Robin trying to do all the work on her own...yikes!) that I literally made myself sick. That was one of the worst days of my life. But God reminded me in that time that I need to really lean into Him for all my strength and support--He has to be my Rock, or I am totally unable.
And then last night happened--oh crazy, let me tell you about it! Worship night at the Stirring with Jesus bringing me completely to me my knees and then just kneeling before Him, crying out--for Haiti, for Redding, for His bride who needs Him so and must be brought back to Him. I worshipped with all that I had--you know the feeling (maybe)--pouring out my life before Him for whatever He has--Haiti or otherwise--and then we stopped.
The worship leaders told us that they felt as though God just wanted us to spend the next few minutes with Him, speaking to us, touching us, individually. He talked about his son, his five month old (Jenna's baby!) and how Samuel will sometimes be looking everywhere but at His dad. His little eyes dart around and all that that dad wants is for his son to look at him and know how intensely he loves him. We do that with God. We're looking everywhere else, and we don't allow Him to just look us in the eyes and love us. So, for the next few minutes, we were to give God our undivided attention--look Him straight in the eyes.
I knew exactly what he was talking about. I have spent the better part of the last year not looking God in the eye--and it's partly because I'm afraid of what I'll see. What if all those deep desires (the ones that, for heaven's sake!, He's putting in me) don't get fulfilled? What if what He has for me is something I can't stomach and don't want? What if...? And isn't that the worst, isn't that distrust to its fullest? I'm afraid of the God of the universe and what He'll do for me. But God got past all of that last night, miraculously. Perhpas I was finally able to say that He is good and He always does what is good because I have seen it for the last two months of my life. Joy, fullness, hope--they have all been my portion in this season which I was afraid would be one of the driest of my life. I see and know more than ever before that if God is my portion and He is the one leading in my life it all ends in good: in joy, hope, trust, such life! So I worshipped Him and celebrated Him for being that in my life last night...and then He spoke to me (if you can call pictures words :)
We were sitting there, in the dark, my eyes closed and suddenly, I was in a garden, glowing with life and vitality, total purity and I was dressed in white. I knew this was my garden with God and I was smiling up at Him--those smiles that light up your face and He said, "My Bride." I'm tearing up even thinking about it. See, this is one of those deep secret desires that I have had planted in my life lately--one which I had not even given voice to, it was too painful. I hadn't even been consciously aware of it, this desire. I wanted to be a bride so badly, but I just didn't ever see it happening, so even though it is such a vital part of my heart--just crying out!--I shut it down (or tried to). But last night God spoke directly to that part of my heart. He answered that cry as only our God can: You are My Bride. You are all I ever dreamed of or planned or hoped you would be. You fulfill it all.
I wept--maybe with relief. It was such a brilliant, beautiful picture and to know that I am His treasured One and He looks on me as a bride...I can't help but stand in wonder. Jesus is all I will ever need.
Jesus is all I will ever need.
Jesus is all I will ever need.
And I know that will be fought against and there is still a battle to be won; but this I also know: I am His.
And He is mine.
Beautiful bride....beautiful bride...beautiful bride...
Here's to Your return Jesus! Come soon!
Back to the world of Starbucks and TPA's...but somehow it seems filled with glory now.
My King loves me. I can rest content in Him.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Sometimes life is really hard...
Love especially...
Loving other people at their worst, seeing good and remembering who created them even when they seem so far from Him...loving a man, seeing the good in him and...gosh, I don't know.
I think I loved someone a long time ago. I just looked at pictures of him and his girlfriend, which might have been a bad idea, but I needed too...I will fall in love someday, I just wish it could have been him...
haha, why do I even write this? Just for this: to get it out. To see it for its idiocy and move on. My life is really full and I'm glad I'm not married--first of all, because it just wouldn't fit into all that is happening in my life right now (student teaching leaves no room for relationships--I really shouldn't even be blogging right now :) but I can't not get this out somewhere) and I still have time to be selfish...I was just talking with my mom and she said that marriage shows you how selfish you are and being a parent shows it even more! You have to attend to their needs and forget your own. Wow!
Jesus teach me to be lovely, in the midst of all that life has to offer. Thank you for blessing me with good friends, a chance to speak of you and draw near to you (we had such a good small group at my house last night) and for the kids I get to love in the classroom. There's so much good happening in my life and this one small part (well, it becomes a really good and huge part of your life when it happens) does not define me right now. I am not the girl who is not in a relationship right now: I am the girl, nay WOMAN!, who loves Jesus, is learning to worship and abide in Him through her whole life and gets to love others into knowing Him. She works hard, loves her job and has loving parents...
I see what this is...I just need to go spend some time with Jesus for a while, letting Him speak what He will to me...teaching me truth and that there is more beyond what I can see. I trust my heart, broken as it is, to You...
Keep me in Your light...I know where You are....You hold me together.
Love especially...
Loving other people at their worst, seeing good and remembering who created them even when they seem so far from Him...loving a man, seeing the good in him and...gosh, I don't know.
I think I loved someone a long time ago. I just looked at pictures of him and his girlfriend, which might have been a bad idea, but I needed too...I will fall in love someday, I just wish it could have been him...
haha, why do I even write this? Just for this: to get it out. To see it for its idiocy and move on. My life is really full and I'm glad I'm not married--first of all, because it just wouldn't fit into all that is happening in my life right now (student teaching leaves no room for relationships--I really shouldn't even be blogging right now :) but I can't not get this out somewhere) and I still have time to be selfish...I was just talking with my mom and she said that marriage shows you how selfish you are and being a parent shows it even more! You have to attend to their needs and forget your own. Wow!
Jesus teach me to be lovely, in the midst of all that life has to offer. Thank you for blessing me with good friends, a chance to speak of you and draw near to you (we had such a good small group at my house last night) and for the kids I get to love in the classroom. There's so much good happening in my life and this one small part (well, it becomes a really good and huge part of your life when it happens) does not define me right now. I am not the girl who is not in a relationship right now: I am the girl, nay WOMAN!, who loves Jesus, is learning to worship and abide in Him through her whole life and gets to love others into knowing Him. She works hard, loves her job and has loving parents...
I see what this is...I just need to go spend some time with Jesus for a while, letting Him speak what He will to me...teaching me truth and that there is more beyond what I can see. I trust my heart, broken as it is, to You...
Keep me in Your light...I know where You are....You hold me together.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Lift Up Your Head/ Help is on the Way/ And It Won't Pass You By/ You Just Gotta Reach Out Your Hands
What do you do when the worst is confirmed? haha, maybe gain a new perspective and realize that from where you're sitting you cannot see everything that is before you. Let God be holy and remember He is in charge and He holds it all.
I got a call at about 8 am today...it was someone I knew, but only through phone conversations. She had called to tell me that the program I applied to go to Haiti through had filled all of their slots. They did not need any other female volunteers...
I had been trying to prepare myself for that call for a while. Rehearsing it in my mind, putitng the scenario before me and trying to brace...all my friends and people who knew me constantly encouraged me. "As soon as they meet you they'll want you!" But I never got the chance to meet them--my flight to Rhode Island got cancelled before I could even leave my city.
I count it a blessing--at least I'm trying to--I'm just not sure where to go from here. I could keep earning a liveable income as a teacher's aide at the school I love. Or I could take a chance and jump into student teaching, though I feel completely unprepared. I feel as though student teaching would lead me to living in my parent's house...while the other job would keep me in my city. I do not know which would be better for me at this point. I just don't know.
I feel like a balloon filled too full...so much pressure and I just don't know how to release it. I don't particularly want to be a elementary school teacher...oh God, I don't know!
I feel like its too much and I don't know what to do with it all...God, I trust You.
I got a call at about 8 am today...it was someone I knew, but only through phone conversations. She had called to tell me that the program I applied to go to Haiti through had filled all of their slots. They did not need any other female volunteers...
I had been trying to prepare myself for that call for a while. Rehearsing it in my mind, putitng the scenario before me and trying to brace...all my friends and people who knew me constantly encouraged me. "As soon as they meet you they'll want you!" But I never got the chance to meet them--my flight to Rhode Island got cancelled before I could even leave my city.
I count it a blessing--at least I'm trying to--I'm just not sure where to go from here. I could keep earning a liveable income as a teacher's aide at the school I love. Or I could take a chance and jump into student teaching, though I feel completely unprepared. I feel as though student teaching would lead me to living in my parent's house...while the other job would keep me in my city. I do not know which would be better for me at this point. I just don't know.
I feel like a balloon filled too full...so much pressure and I just don't know how to release it. I don't particularly want to be a elementary school teacher...oh God, I don't know!
I feel like its too much and I don't know what to do with it all...God, I trust You.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
I had to clean my purity ring today. What does that mean? That I've been wearing it too long? ;)
I hadn't realized how dirty I had let it get until it was clean again. The stones are just gleaming in their heart shaped setting and I am proud to wear it again. It catches the eye. It's gorgeous and sparkling and clean and pure...
Purity. What this ring symbolizes is a true battle. I had no idea when I accepted this ring from my father eight years ago how long the road would be, or what it would bring me. Eight years: that's most of high school, all of college and then some...That's a journey from living in m parents house to the dorms to my own townhouse...I was a student, a Resident Assistant, a hostess, a friend, a kindergarten teacher and I started to love someone in that time...well, more than just one person.
When I was fifteen, I envisioned being a missionary as a very easy thing to do. I think in part this was because I had never truly cared for anyone, not in the way that Jesus asks us to. Sure, I "loved" my brothers and sisters, my grandparents and parents...but not enough to be willing to sacrifice my life for them if it came down to that. I thought that this was the love that existed in me, but I had no idea...
This ring does not represent to me eight years of purity--though that is part of it. More importantly (and I am realizing this as I write, so bear with me) this ring represents all the ways that God has shown and put His love into me. Broken me, selfish me, neglectful me...He chose to put His love on display in my life the past eight years.
Haiti--Haiti was my first real taste of God's love, that desperate love that refuses to let go and dreams of the best for His children. My life was simple before Haiti: I had never been truly hurt or felt pain. I lived in a wonderful environment: loving (if sometimes emotionally absent) parents; crazy brothers and sisters; a clean, safe community where no one locked their doors (well, maybe that was just my parents thing, haha). I lived a sheltered life in the mountains made even more sheltered by a certain set apartness that I can only attribute to God being at work in my life. Everyone at my school knew I was a Christian and a good girl. I didn't ever even know about all the crazy things they did in high school...I was home with my parents :) [Don't worry, I eventually left the nest and surprisingly was able to function relatively well outside my parents home. I attribute that success to two things: 1) my utter dependence on God and 2) (which is a direct result of the first) all that God put into my life: good friends, safe environment, AWESOME NEW CHURCH!!! etc.]
College was where I learned who and where Haiti was (at first I wrongly hypothesized that it was part of Africa, tsk tsk) Haiti was my first real heart break...the reality of a place where children are not cared for swept over me and left me devastated. Children have always held a special place in my heart: they're so alive and joyful and needy and open...and to read of a place where they did not thrive was so shocking...the little girl whose story I read was named Carolyn. She was left in the streets for three days, just lying in a gutter, until someone came and picked her up. I wept for Carolyn and all children like her...but what could I do?
Missions is a part of what my college does and when they announced the trips for the next year, one was going to Haiti. I couldn't believe it! This was the place my heart had just ached for and here was someone talking about traveling there. What is the deal?!
I talked with a lot of leaders from other teams and they all sounded similar: ten day to three week trip, doing VBS and work projects, come join us! I had done those sorts of mission trips before and knew it wold be no stretch for me to join them. The Haiti team leader told it to me straight: no water or electricity, bucket showers, six to eight week long trip doing whatever needed to be done: feeding people, teaching Haitian pastors about children's ministry, etc.
I chose Haiti--or did I?
This all seems intricately planned, thinking back on it...
Anyways, God spent that year cultivating my heart to love the people of Haiti. I can't even begin to describe what happened to me: I just kept drawing close to God, spending time alone in the woods with Him and writing in my journal over and over: teach me, teach me, teach me! I went to Haiti that June-July and man! did I learn, everyday in a million ways. I learned the crushing weight of poverty, the hopelessness and powerlessness that every day a Haitian can feel. I learned their joy and strength in the face of overwhelming circumstances, their tenacity and perseverance. I loved them and they became my family--and then I had to leave them.
God showed me the love of a Father that first time in Haiti. I was blessed to see them as He sees them: rejoicing with them ( a few received news that they had graduated from high school while we were there), laughing and singing and worshipping with them, seeing them work harder than any other people I have ever known...it was a glorious time. We didn't do any of those things that we had planned to do while we were in America and I almost went stir crazy from inactivity...but that time, hard as it was, will always be treasured in my mind. I was no longer someone who talked about the poor--now I knew who they were. They had faces and names and families and...
I went back to the U.S. It was a hard transition in some ways. I remember going to buy running shoes with my dad and crying when I realized we were going to pay $100 altogether for them. That money could be used in so many ways! I don't deserve it! Please don't! My father didn't listen to me (and I got my money's worth out of those shoes, as I ran on the cross country team in college that year)...but yeah. I was different now.
Eight years of love...but the last five have been the most moving and soul wrenching. Have you ever watched a nation bleed? That's how it felt when I saw what happened in Haiti after the earthquake. The whole nation ripping into pieces before my eyes. Why God? Why again? When will things change, when can we have real hope? I went before the Lord right after seeing the news footage and kept going to Him every night on their behalf. He comforted me--me! who was safe and relatively happy (okay, in anguish)--He spoke right to me and gave me hope and then put a dream in me. Sometimes a system/government/way of life has to be broken down completely in order for a new one to take its place. Haiti is in for a spiritual awakening beyond its dreams.
You almost lost me. I almost fell in love with a boy and the two (Haiti and him) wouldn't have any of each other. I was torn and confused (overridden by feelings for this guy, but knowing Haiti was where I was headed) and so I kept this boy in the dark, unsure of me, and he made his choice: someone else. I was glad but devastated and still hopeful: maybe things would work out between us? It's taken me a little under a year to be able to look at him and not have all of that rush to the surface: all the hopes and heart wrenches and wonderings. Now I can sit in a car with him and his girlfriend and act normal. Hurray for me!
Know what kind of love God taught me that year? It was wonderful and there's so much: first of all, I realized how all consuming love can be. This guy was daily in my thoughts--I can remember spending at least a hour trying to get him out of my head and then I'd see him for two minutes and all my efforts would be in vain. I fought it, fought the obsession and, well, you know! Girls are just nuts when it comes to guys...I had never realized the extent of our madness until I really liked someone. Frankly, it is terrifying! This person has total control over you, even if they don't know it. Their reactions to you can make your day or they can devastate you. Seeing them again after a summer away and knowing that they are dating someone else now can cause your heart to try to rip out of your chest (its a really painful feeling--and its real! Your heart literally hurts!) So...learning this kind of love was really difficult...but it made me realize a few things about God.
#1. We can really hurt Him.
He has this love for us that goes beyond comprehension, even though He knows everything about us, He still looks at us and longs for us to be with Him. When we disobey and turn away to other gods who are just out to seduce us and hurt us, it hurts Him.
#2. His love consumes Him.
When the Bible talks about us being continually on God's mind, that's not just another cute saying: it's really true. He cannot stop thinking about us and the dreams He has for us, the future! He's so excited.
#3. He is faithful.
I felt deep shame for how far I had let this boy come into my heart. I felt cheated and weak and humiliated. I didn't want God to know me like this, I didn't want to look at Him. I spent all kinds of time doing other things, staying away from God and trying to bury the hurt. But God wouldn't let me go. He wouldn't even let me gloss over the pain. He made me look at the wound, see what I'd done and told me that it mattered...it mattered and He wanted to heal it. It mattered and it wasn't the end of me. It mattered but it wasn't going to stop me from moving into all that He had planned for me. In the midst of my pain, He was a sweet, still, patient voice...and we moved out of the wilderness together.
My journey...eight years with this ring and this God and these promises. They are so precious. I wouldn't have changed anything about them...and I really mean that. The pain has been their and has been intense (I'm sensitive...so what others can get through quickly takes me awhile) but the love I have learned has all been worth it. I am so thankful to be caught up in the arms of a loving Daddy, a prince who is bringing about my heavenly ever after. This is no dream...but my beautiful reality. Thank you, Lord. Lead me on into the glorious unknown.
I hadn't realized how dirty I had let it get until it was clean again. The stones are just gleaming in their heart shaped setting and I am proud to wear it again. It catches the eye. It's gorgeous and sparkling and clean and pure...
Purity. What this ring symbolizes is a true battle. I had no idea when I accepted this ring from my father eight years ago how long the road would be, or what it would bring me. Eight years: that's most of high school, all of college and then some...That's a journey from living in m parents house to the dorms to my own townhouse...I was a student, a Resident Assistant, a hostess, a friend, a kindergarten teacher and I started to love someone in that time...well, more than just one person.
When I was fifteen, I envisioned being a missionary as a very easy thing to do. I think in part this was because I had never truly cared for anyone, not in the way that Jesus asks us to. Sure, I "loved" my brothers and sisters, my grandparents and parents...but not enough to be willing to sacrifice my life for them if it came down to that. I thought that this was the love that existed in me, but I had no idea...
This ring does not represent to me eight years of purity--though that is part of it. More importantly (and I am realizing this as I write, so bear with me) this ring represents all the ways that God has shown and put His love into me. Broken me, selfish me, neglectful me...He chose to put His love on display in my life the past eight years.
Haiti--Haiti was my first real taste of God's love, that desperate love that refuses to let go and dreams of the best for His children. My life was simple before Haiti: I had never been truly hurt or felt pain. I lived in a wonderful environment: loving (if sometimes emotionally absent) parents; crazy brothers and sisters; a clean, safe community where no one locked their doors (well, maybe that was just my parents thing, haha). I lived a sheltered life in the mountains made even more sheltered by a certain set apartness that I can only attribute to God being at work in my life. Everyone at my school knew I was a Christian and a good girl. I didn't ever even know about all the crazy things they did in high school...I was home with my parents :) [Don't worry, I eventually left the nest and surprisingly was able to function relatively well outside my parents home. I attribute that success to two things: 1) my utter dependence on God and 2) (which is a direct result of the first) all that God put into my life: good friends, safe environment, AWESOME NEW CHURCH!!! etc.]
College was where I learned who and where Haiti was (at first I wrongly hypothesized that it was part of Africa, tsk tsk) Haiti was my first real heart break...the reality of a place where children are not cared for swept over me and left me devastated. Children have always held a special place in my heart: they're so alive and joyful and needy and open...and to read of a place where they did not thrive was so shocking...the little girl whose story I read was named Carolyn. She was left in the streets for three days, just lying in a gutter, until someone came and picked her up. I wept for Carolyn and all children like her...but what could I do?
Missions is a part of what my college does and when they announced the trips for the next year, one was going to Haiti. I couldn't believe it! This was the place my heart had just ached for and here was someone talking about traveling there. What is the deal?!
I talked with a lot of leaders from other teams and they all sounded similar: ten day to three week trip, doing VBS and work projects, come join us! I had done those sorts of mission trips before and knew it wold be no stretch for me to join them. The Haiti team leader told it to me straight: no water or electricity, bucket showers, six to eight week long trip doing whatever needed to be done: feeding people, teaching Haitian pastors about children's ministry, etc.
I chose Haiti--or did I?
This all seems intricately planned, thinking back on it...
Anyways, God spent that year cultivating my heart to love the people of Haiti. I can't even begin to describe what happened to me: I just kept drawing close to God, spending time alone in the woods with Him and writing in my journal over and over: teach me, teach me, teach me! I went to Haiti that June-July and man! did I learn, everyday in a million ways. I learned the crushing weight of poverty, the hopelessness and powerlessness that every day a Haitian can feel. I learned their joy and strength in the face of overwhelming circumstances, their tenacity and perseverance. I loved them and they became my family--and then I had to leave them.
God showed me the love of a Father that first time in Haiti. I was blessed to see them as He sees them: rejoicing with them ( a few received news that they had graduated from high school while we were there), laughing and singing and worshipping with them, seeing them work harder than any other people I have ever known...it was a glorious time. We didn't do any of those things that we had planned to do while we were in America and I almost went stir crazy from inactivity...but that time, hard as it was, will always be treasured in my mind. I was no longer someone who talked about the poor--now I knew who they were. They had faces and names and families and...
I went back to the U.S. It was a hard transition in some ways. I remember going to buy running shoes with my dad and crying when I realized we were going to pay $100 altogether for them. That money could be used in so many ways! I don't deserve it! Please don't! My father didn't listen to me (and I got my money's worth out of those shoes, as I ran on the cross country team in college that year)...but yeah. I was different now.
Eight years of love...but the last five have been the most moving and soul wrenching. Have you ever watched a nation bleed? That's how it felt when I saw what happened in Haiti after the earthquake. The whole nation ripping into pieces before my eyes. Why God? Why again? When will things change, when can we have real hope? I went before the Lord right after seeing the news footage and kept going to Him every night on their behalf. He comforted me--me! who was safe and relatively happy (okay, in anguish)--He spoke right to me and gave me hope and then put a dream in me. Sometimes a system/government/way of life has to be broken down completely in order for a new one to take its place. Haiti is in for a spiritual awakening beyond its dreams.
You almost lost me. I almost fell in love with a boy and the two (Haiti and him) wouldn't have any of each other. I was torn and confused (overridden by feelings for this guy, but knowing Haiti was where I was headed) and so I kept this boy in the dark, unsure of me, and he made his choice: someone else. I was glad but devastated and still hopeful: maybe things would work out between us? It's taken me a little under a year to be able to look at him and not have all of that rush to the surface: all the hopes and heart wrenches and wonderings. Now I can sit in a car with him and his girlfriend and act normal. Hurray for me!
Know what kind of love God taught me that year? It was wonderful and there's so much: first of all, I realized how all consuming love can be. This guy was daily in my thoughts--I can remember spending at least a hour trying to get him out of my head and then I'd see him for two minutes and all my efforts would be in vain. I fought it, fought the obsession and, well, you know! Girls are just nuts when it comes to guys...I had never realized the extent of our madness until I really liked someone. Frankly, it is terrifying! This person has total control over you, even if they don't know it. Their reactions to you can make your day or they can devastate you. Seeing them again after a summer away and knowing that they are dating someone else now can cause your heart to try to rip out of your chest (its a really painful feeling--and its real! Your heart literally hurts!) So...learning this kind of love was really difficult...but it made me realize a few things about God.
#1. We can really hurt Him.
He has this love for us that goes beyond comprehension, even though He knows everything about us, He still looks at us and longs for us to be with Him. When we disobey and turn away to other gods who are just out to seduce us and hurt us, it hurts Him.
#2. His love consumes Him.
When the Bible talks about us being continually on God's mind, that's not just another cute saying: it's really true. He cannot stop thinking about us and the dreams He has for us, the future! He's so excited.
#3. He is faithful.
I felt deep shame for how far I had let this boy come into my heart. I felt cheated and weak and humiliated. I didn't want God to know me like this, I didn't want to look at Him. I spent all kinds of time doing other things, staying away from God and trying to bury the hurt. But God wouldn't let me go. He wouldn't even let me gloss over the pain. He made me look at the wound, see what I'd done and told me that it mattered...it mattered and He wanted to heal it. It mattered and it wasn't the end of me. It mattered but it wasn't going to stop me from moving into all that He had planned for me. In the midst of my pain, He was a sweet, still, patient voice...and we moved out of the wilderness together.
My journey...eight years with this ring and this God and these promises. They are so precious. I wouldn't have changed anything about them...and I really mean that. The pain has been their and has been intense (I'm sensitive...so what others can get through quickly takes me awhile) but the love I have learned has all been worth it. I am so thankful to be caught up in the arms of a loving Daddy, a prince who is bringing about my heavenly ever after. This is no dream...but my beautiful reality. Thank you, Lord. Lead me on into the glorious unknown.
Monday, June 11, 2012
This year is contemplating...it's different from any other year that I have known in my life.
I have a lot. And I think it might be a problem. I have a lot of stuff: camera, computer, BOOKS!!! (everywhere), a water bottle, more books, clothes, guitar, swimsuit (I'm just naming stuff in the room I'm in), dresser, tons of picture frames, a facebook account, friends, books...always books, pictures, writing utensils, dishes, journals, Hebrew/Greek Bible...I think you get it. And you could make the same list too. It's a lot that we carry around and attach to ourselves. I'm actually feeling a little bit overwhelmed thinking about it all.
The reason I bring this up is that I'm contemplating leaving it all behind...
I used to think I could be a missionary with no problem. Then I grew up. Now I think I could still be a missionary with a LOT of help from God :) And do you know what He has done? He made me fall in love!!! No, not that way, there won't be a wedding soon :) It's a different kind of love and passion than any I have ever known (not that I'm experienced) The people God has me falling in love with are the Haitians.
It sounds so strange to talk about being in love with a group of people. It didn't even happen on purpose (at least, not my purpose). But there it is, Haiti and me...and I have exactly no idea where this is going :)
But I might be a teacher for a year in the little country I love. I might leave behind all my stuff and my family and my life and be someone new in someplace new...Haiti, without cell phones and facebook and maybe even this blog...
Somehow I don't think I'll miss it too much...
- It's all the things I always wanted but living them out is harder than I ever anticipated...
- It's learning total trust (always the lesson I'm needing to learn :) and letting go...
- It's really being on my own and feeling like I'm floundering (you know that moment when you first hit the water?) but actually making it
I have a lot. And I think it might be a problem. I have a lot of stuff: camera, computer, BOOKS!!! (everywhere), a water bottle, more books, clothes, guitar, swimsuit (I'm just naming stuff in the room I'm in), dresser, tons of picture frames, a facebook account, friends, books...always books, pictures, writing utensils, dishes, journals, Hebrew/Greek Bible...I think you get it. And you could make the same list too. It's a lot that we carry around and attach to ourselves. I'm actually feeling a little bit overwhelmed thinking about it all.
The reason I bring this up is that I'm contemplating leaving it all behind...
I used to think I could be a missionary with no problem. Then I grew up. Now I think I could still be a missionary with a LOT of help from God :) And do you know what He has done? He made me fall in love!!! No, not that way, there won't be a wedding soon :) It's a different kind of love and passion than any I have ever known (not that I'm experienced) The people God has me falling in love with are the Haitians.
It sounds so strange to talk about being in love with a group of people. It didn't even happen on purpose (at least, not my purpose). But there it is, Haiti and me...and I have exactly no idea where this is going :)
But I might be a teacher for a year in the little country I love. I might leave behind all my stuff and my family and my life and be someone new in someplace new...Haiti, without cell phones and facebook and maybe even this blog...
Somehow I don't think I'll miss it too much...
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Break Into the Beauty You Long For!!! He is Waiting :)
You can change your life...
Why do so many people choose not to take the first step out of that learned pity/defenselessness? I suppose it comes from trying so hard and seeing all your efforts come to naught...not wanting to fight anymore becasue the pain is overwhelming and there really is no end in sight. Sure, your castle and all the beauty of being finally (AT LAST!) in the moment you always dreamed of might be just around the corner, but you don't know that...and its just easier not to hope.
It's easier to never call that dad, because he never calls you...
It's easier to let pity take hold, at least its familiar...
It's easier to never talk to that cute guy, to stay hidden away...
It's easier to stay where we are but oohhh...God has so much more for us.
You can change your life...but only with Jesus walking beside you, directing your path, healing and speaking into your wounds...
We have been made ugly, filthy, unclean by our contact with the world and from the things that dwell within our own minds and come to us from others...No one is clean, righteous, pure...we all deserve the gutter we came from (I'm reading "The Gutter" by Craig Gross, a man who started a ministry to porn addicts, thus the gutter reference)...but a God came who wasn't content to leave us there. He came to our gutter, our pain and poured His love over us, gave us hope...
So even when life throws all the shit it has at us, we still have His arms to fall into. We can look into the eyes of a father who deserted us and see pain and be filled with His love. Not because of anything we have recieved from that earthly father, but because of all that we know of our heavenly Father.
But sometimes its so hard...how do you change years of longing? How do you let go of so many crushed dreams? How do you let go of bitterness? It seems impossible...but my Jesus said (more than once) that we would do the impossible. Because of faith. Trusting in Him. Using His strength.
This is easier said than done, I know. My father stayed near and adored me as much as he was able. And where he failed, I learned to flee and fall into my heavenly Father's arms. But if you haven't learned that, a new pattern is hard to create. But just call...just call.
I had to learn a new pattern this year...one that hurt me so hard. I had dreams...dashed. Something had happened which opened up a part of me that I never believed would come alive--and then that door and that hope were silently and definitely closed and I was crushed. It was some of the worst emotional pain I have ever been in. I have yet to look at that man who I so loved without feeling a wrenching in my heart.
For a while I was just making it. I was learning to let go of him, with all my heart. It took many lonely, long months of me trying to run from all the feelings and turmoil. Then one night I was at my lowest, so lonely, crying in the dark. The thought occurred to me: "What if in five years I am even more alone than I am right now?" I couldn't bear it, it was too overwhelming/crushing.
But Jesus was there, Jesus is always there. He spoke: "I will be with you. Even if your worst fears are realized, I will still be there, I will be enough." That was a turning point, that was my change. I suddenly knew that no matter what I faced, even my worst nightmares of ending up alone, I would be fine, even joyful; because He was truly everything I needed and He would never leave.
Even now, in this season of such uncertainty, He has been teaching me (through a rough season) to have my hope in Him alone. I cannot look to money as my hope, nor to people or even dreams He has placed in me. He is, and always will be, my only sure thing. If I can learn that--not just say it, but live it--then all my life He will be able to use and move me as I never dreamed. But I must hold it all so loosely...all my life completely in His hands, allowing for Him to be the ebb and flow and I just bending to His pleasure...and why would I want to be anywhere else?
The One who loves me is calling me back into His arms again--and that is such a place of strength, though I forget and pull away so often. But I will dance with Him again, I will dream with Him again, I will be His and His alone again! I so long for this new season!!! I was scared of it before, but now it is just unfolding into Beauty...
I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine...
Why do so many people choose not to take the first step out of that learned pity/defenselessness? I suppose it comes from trying so hard and seeing all your efforts come to naught...not wanting to fight anymore becasue the pain is overwhelming and there really is no end in sight. Sure, your castle and all the beauty of being finally (AT LAST!) in the moment you always dreamed of might be just around the corner, but you don't know that...and its just easier not to hope.
It's easier to never call that dad, because he never calls you...
It's easier to let pity take hold, at least its familiar...
It's easier to never talk to that cute guy, to stay hidden away...
It's easier to stay where we are but oohhh...God has so much more for us.
You can change your life...but only with Jesus walking beside you, directing your path, healing and speaking into your wounds...
We have been made ugly, filthy, unclean by our contact with the world and from the things that dwell within our own minds and come to us from others...No one is clean, righteous, pure...we all deserve the gutter we came from (I'm reading "The Gutter" by Craig Gross, a man who started a ministry to porn addicts, thus the gutter reference)...but a God came who wasn't content to leave us there. He came to our gutter, our pain and poured His love over us, gave us hope...
So even when life throws all the shit it has at us, we still have His arms to fall into. We can look into the eyes of a father who deserted us and see pain and be filled with His love. Not because of anything we have recieved from that earthly father, but because of all that we know of our heavenly Father.
But sometimes its so hard...how do you change years of longing? How do you let go of so many crushed dreams? How do you let go of bitterness? It seems impossible...but my Jesus said (more than once) that we would do the impossible. Because of faith. Trusting in Him. Using His strength.
This is easier said than done, I know. My father stayed near and adored me as much as he was able. And where he failed, I learned to flee and fall into my heavenly Father's arms. But if you haven't learned that, a new pattern is hard to create. But just call...just call.
I had to learn a new pattern this year...one that hurt me so hard. I had dreams...dashed. Something had happened which opened up a part of me that I never believed would come alive--and then that door and that hope were silently and definitely closed and I was crushed. It was some of the worst emotional pain I have ever been in. I have yet to look at that man who I so loved without feeling a wrenching in my heart.
For a while I was just making it. I was learning to let go of him, with all my heart. It took many lonely, long months of me trying to run from all the feelings and turmoil. Then one night I was at my lowest, so lonely, crying in the dark. The thought occurred to me: "What if in five years I am even more alone than I am right now?" I couldn't bear it, it was too overwhelming/crushing.
But Jesus was there, Jesus is always there. He spoke: "I will be with you. Even if your worst fears are realized, I will still be there, I will be enough." That was a turning point, that was my change. I suddenly knew that no matter what I faced, even my worst nightmares of ending up alone, I would be fine, even joyful; because He was truly everything I needed and He would never leave.
Even now, in this season of such uncertainty, He has been teaching me (through a rough season) to have my hope in Him alone. I cannot look to money as my hope, nor to people or even dreams He has placed in me. He is, and always will be, my only sure thing. If I can learn that--not just say it, but live it--then all my life He will be able to use and move me as I never dreamed. But I must hold it all so loosely...all my life completely in His hands, allowing for Him to be the ebb and flow and I just bending to His pleasure...and why would I want to be anywhere else?
The One who loves me is calling me back into His arms again--and that is such a place of strength, though I forget and pull away so often. But I will dance with Him again, I will dream with Him again, I will be His and His alone again! I so long for this new season!!! I was scared of it before, but now it is just unfolding into Beauty...
I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine...
Thursday, April 19, 2012
What's Here in the Waiting?
Aahhh...the name of my blog is so perfect right now...Here in the Waiting...
Tonight is a blog night...I just need to get all of it out there and see what happens...
Everything is at a crossroads tonight...I see (again) that my friends all know where they're headed, how they're going to get there...of course, none of it is perfect and there's planning left to do...but they're lucky and they don't see it.
I am Here in the Waiting...
But it's not a bad place. My Jesus, my Friend and Lover, He waits with me. Every mountain could crumble and He'd still be there. He loves me no matter what size I am, what my clothes look like or what I'm doing...and isn't that the most beautiful thing, the thing I need the most?
I have all I need Here in the Waiting...
A lot of people are going to leave me--and I them--in a lot of different ways in the next few months. I have to say some tough good byes, starting next week. I don't want to face it, this new loneliness. But I also won't disobey my Father King when He asks me to step into the dark with Him. I want this to be a time when I am putting all I have learned this year into practice: being content in His love, seeking Him and being faithful to what He's put in front of me, no matter what the outcome might be...you know, it's not about what special programs/things you become a part of, it's about the way you treat the people around you. I can do a million things "in Jesus name" but if His love is not in the middle of it, I have been filling their mouths--and mine--with sawdust...
I want truth to come spilling out of me, beauty...I want God's Word to be put on display and people to know Jesus because He lives in me...I want light to come where there has only been darkness and hope to be a daily part of life: not that we hope in ourselves and what we think we can do, but that we hope in a Creator who had a plan--for me and you--before the beginning of time. And He will see us through to the end, we can count on that...I want THAT to be changing me--and the people around me--every day.
O Jesus, lead me on. All my idealistic high hopes come from You--and You know it! And You move, I see it everyday. Help me be more faithful, more loving, more like You. I have a lot to learn and big shoes to fill; but You said You were willing to teach me and so I said, "Yes." Yes to whatever comes, be it glorious success or breathtaking despair, pain, loss, ache, grief, joy, peace, wondering...I follow You through it all.
Jesus, thank You for being Here in the Waiting.
Tonight is a blog night...I just need to get all of it out there and see what happens...
Everything is at a crossroads tonight...I see (again) that my friends all know where they're headed, how they're going to get there...of course, none of it is perfect and there's planning left to do...but they're lucky and they don't see it.
I am Here in the Waiting...
But it's not a bad place. My Jesus, my Friend and Lover, He waits with me. Every mountain could crumble and He'd still be there. He loves me no matter what size I am, what my clothes look like or what I'm doing...and isn't that the most beautiful thing, the thing I need the most?
I have all I need Here in the Waiting...
A lot of people are going to leave me--and I them--in a lot of different ways in the next few months. I have to say some tough good byes, starting next week. I don't want to face it, this new loneliness. But I also won't disobey my Father King when He asks me to step into the dark with Him. I want this to be a time when I am putting all I have learned this year into practice: being content in His love, seeking Him and being faithful to what He's put in front of me, no matter what the outcome might be...you know, it's not about what special programs/things you become a part of, it's about the way you treat the people around you. I can do a million things "in Jesus name" but if His love is not in the middle of it, I have been filling their mouths--and mine--with sawdust...
I want truth to come spilling out of me, beauty...I want God's Word to be put on display and people to know Jesus because He lives in me...I want light to come where there has only been darkness and hope to be a daily part of life: not that we hope in ourselves and what we think we can do, but that we hope in a Creator who had a plan--for me and you--before the beginning of time. And He will see us through to the end, we can count on that...I want THAT to be changing me--and the people around me--every day.
O Jesus, lead me on. All my idealistic high hopes come from You--and You know it! And You move, I see it everyday. Help me be more faithful, more loving, more like You. I have a lot to learn and big shoes to fill; but You said You were willing to teach me and so I said, "Yes." Yes to whatever comes, be it glorious success or breathtaking despair, pain, loss, ache, grief, joy, peace, wondering...I follow You through it all.
Jesus, thank You for being Here in the Waiting.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Don't Run...Stay
Just had to write...its one of those days.
Not that its a bad day--its more like turmoil coming to peace and I need to sort through all that is going on in my life.
Lyrcis of the J.J. Heller song I'm listening to right now: "hope means holding onto you/ grace means you hold onto me too". So true in my life...all of the things that will happen--are going to happen next year--will be because of grace. God holding onto me in the midst of loneliness, pain, hope, my feebleness...He will hold.
Child of weakness
Watch and pray
Find in me
Thine all in all
This is my life.
I started going to the gym in the morning to get my exercise on before I face any part of my day. So far, I love it. No one tries to talk to you, you don't have to think deeply right when you wake up (which is sometimes the pressure when I wake up and try to do my Bible study right away--turns into Bible bleary eyes, what did I just read?) In any case, I go straight from working out to Bible study...find a quiet spot and see what God says.
This morning was interesting. He made me be quiet with Him, talk out all the mess in my head and let go of some things. I had had a good day yesterday, but the day ended in tears. It was from little things and pressures that I sometimes put on myself. I have a friend getting married and I am estatic for her, but it changes the relationship. She wants to see him and be with him (normal and healthy) and I have to adjust.
Then there's Haiti...I guess I feel really alone in this undertaking. It won't be that way forever (I'll meet my fellow volunteers eventually and the others who are working at that little school) but right now I don't have anyone to process it through with the way I wish I could. No one can really know the little fears sprouting up in my head or the insecurities or what-if's. Just thinking right now, I was about to write: 'If I had a husband, it would be different.' But that's not even true. Even if I was married, we would not be the same person with the same capabilities and thus even we would have different fears and wonderings...being married wouldn't fix this :)
It's a time where God is latching onto me and getting in my face and yelling (okay, He's not doing any of these things, but the overall effect would be the same if He was. He is definitely using a lot of other means to get my attention, but when they're all coupled together...yeah). He's making it infinitely clear that I need to press into Him now more than I ever have before. Like, this year will not be possible if I am not running to His arms...whoops, no, not even that! This year will not be possible unless I have found my safe place only and always in His arms.
I must have Jesus. I must have all of Him, and I must not leave Him.
Okay, I think I'm getting this.
This year is going to be lonely, exhausting, and breaking...I will give my all, again and again, in ways I never thought were possible and at the end of the day it won't be enough. It will never be enough. That's why I need Him. I need His words, I need His strength, I need His hope, I need His light, I need His consistency, His faithfulness, His grace, His love, His compassion, His kindness...and I need it now.
Thank you Jesus, for making me need you--and being kind enough to point out that need. Now fill me.
Not that its a bad day--its more like turmoil coming to peace and I need to sort through all that is going on in my life.
Lyrcis of the J.J. Heller song I'm listening to right now: "hope means holding onto you/ grace means you hold onto me too". So true in my life...all of the things that will happen--are going to happen next year--will be because of grace. God holding onto me in the midst of loneliness, pain, hope, my feebleness...He will hold.
Child of weakness
Watch and pray
Find in me
Thine all in all
This is my life.
I started going to the gym in the morning to get my exercise on before I face any part of my day. So far, I love it. No one tries to talk to you, you don't have to think deeply right when you wake up (which is sometimes the pressure when I wake up and try to do my Bible study right away--turns into Bible bleary eyes, what did I just read?) In any case, I go straight from working out to Bible study...find a quiet spot and see what God says.
This morning was interesting. He made me be quiet with Him, talk out all the mess in my head and let go of some things. I had had a good day yesterday, but the day ended in tears. It was from little things and pressures that I sometimes put on myself. I have a friend getting married and I am estatic for her, but it changes the relationship. She wants to see him and be with him (normal and healthy) and I have to adjust.
Then there's Haiti...I guess I feel really alone in this undertaking. It won't be that way forever (I'll meet my fellow volunteers eventually and the others who are working at that little school) but right now I don't have anyone to process it through with the way I wish I could. No one can really know the little fears sprouting up in my head or the insecurities or what-if's. Just thinking right now, I was about to write: 'If I had a husband, it would be different.' But that's not even true. Even if I was married, we would not be the same person with the same capabilities and thus even we would have different fears and wonderings...being married wouldn't fix this :)
It's a time where God is latching onto me and getting in my face and yelling (okay, He's not doing any of these things, but the overall effect would be the same if He was. He is definitely using a lot of other means to get my attention, but when they're all coupled together...yeah). He's making it infinitely clear that I need to press into Him now more than I ever have before. Like, this year will not be possible if I am not running to His arms...whoops, no, not even that! This year will not be possible unless I have found my safe place only and always in His arms.
I must have Jesus. I must have all of Him, and I must not leave Him.
Okay, I think I'm getting this.
This year is going to be lonely, exhausting, and breaking...I will give my all, again and again, in ways I never thought were possible and at the end of the day it won't be enough. It will never be enough. That's why I need Him. I need His words, I need His strength, I need His hope, I need His light, I need His consistency, His faithfulness, His grace, His love, His compassion, His kindness...and I need it now.
Thank you Jesus, for making me need you--and being kind enough to point out that need. Now fill me.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I Just Need Your Arms
Have you ever had a day that you just hated? That was my day today...
I felt like I was drowning all day--every moment was like trying to push a rock uphill while swimming underwater...I just couldn't do it anymore at the end...
I'm gonna have these days, probably over and over again, in Haiti. God grant me grace, freedom and peace. Find me when I don't want to be found. Be lovely when I feel least lovely of all.
I am sorry. Sorry for being a messy roommate, sorry for not being...all that I'm not. And I don't even know how today could have been better. I feel like I did give it my all and then some...it was just too much for me.
Jesus be peace when I have none. Let me have relief...
I felt like I was drowning all day--every moment was like trying to push a rock uphill while swimming underwater...I just couldn't do it anymore at the end...
I'm gonna have these days, probably over and over again, in Haiti. God grant me grace, freedom and peace. Find me when I don't want to be found. Be lovely when I feel least lovely of all.
I am sorry. Sorry for being a messy roommate, sorry for not being...all that I'm not. And I don't even know how today could have been better. I feel like I did give it my all and then some...it was just too much for me.
Jesus be peace when I have none. Let me have relief...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
In His Arms
Watch this video...if you dare!
I can't stop listening to this song...
For one thing, it's so beautiful. There's such intensity in this song, in their eyes, the whole performance is marked by passion...a passion of a different kind.
But that's not why I can't stop watching it...
There's this deep sorrow in relationship. Sometimes...all I have wanted to do is never have to believe in love...being without hope feels better. You can't get hurt when you don't hope.
But my mom reminded me that I couldn't stop hoping. I almost didn't want to listen that day six months ago...and today I was talking it over with God--asking if I could just give up the hoping--and He told me no. And He told me other things that I won't write down here because its between me and Him. We'll see what happens three years from now...
I have to hope...and I live longing...and there is somebody that I used to know--and loved, as well as I was able--I have to hope...
"Maybe it's for the best", my head says and I know deep in me that all this has been for the best. All the heartache and pain, the longing, the breaking open inside me that I never knew I was capable of, the dying to self that I am learning to live daily...God has good plans for me, perfect plans, but I must wait on His counsel and stand in His will.
God made marriage for more than two people having sex...and we forget that somehow. We, as Christians, put our needs being met before a whole lot of things--but God never meant it that way. I want my marriage--MY LIFE!--to be a testament to God and His goodness. That requires dying to self and longings every day. God told me something today that means a big change in my life--a big change for three years. I want to live so fully given to Him these next three years. I know He has great gifts for me--but this world is so full of heartache and pain, why did I think I would be exempt? I tried my hardest to stay away from everything that would hurt me (I'm a complete baby when it comes to pain) but it found me anyway. It came and tore apart the most vulnerable part of me--my woman's heart. And the strange, sad thing is that he will never know...and that also is best.
But back to the song...we all know that cutting, biting, cruel pain of a heart ripped from its protection and thrown to the mercy of...you fill in that blank. Do we hope again? Do we try again? Do we search for love, even if we know it could just tear us open and cause more damage?
We do. We want love. We long for love. Sometimes we'll do anything to get that love that we desire. It's a cruel world. But I have learned that the love I am searching for could not possibly be found in any man. Sure, they can give some measure of love. They can comfort and create joy and make you feel new. But the love I long for--the deepest part of me cries out for--cannot be ascertained within this world. It is of a different...sort, I guess you could say. It is the love which reaches well beyond what we can fathom and reaches farther still--bottomless, endless, unfathomable and so good.
My Love lifts me beyond my circumstances. He reminds me that He has a plan and what He can see is so beyond me--I must trust Him. My Love searches me out when I would rather be anywhere than in His embrace--He washes me clean and makes my shame fall away in His presence. My Love looks into my eyes--and I'm astonished all over again, because He sees in me His pure white Bride and He delights in me. There is nothing He would like to do more than just to be with me, showing me His love. My Love makes me new, my Love heals my heart and my Love is there for me through every broken part of my past. When I gasp in pain, because the one I used to love turns up around a corner unexpected and just seeing him makes my heart wrench inside my chest, even then, He is there. Pouring His warm healing oil over my heart and making even this a time when we can be drawn closer together.
I am thankful for His grace. I am thankful for His kindness. I am thankful that He caught me when I was a stranger wandering and saved me. I am thankful for the promises and wonderful moments He has ahead and I am thankful that He will be steadfast and see me through even the hardest moments that may lie ahead for me. I don't know where I'm going and I have no plan--only Jesus.
And isn't that how He always wanted it to be.
In His arms.
I can't stop listening to this song...
For one thing, it's so beautiful. There's such intensity in this song, in their eyes, the whole performance is marked by passion...a passion of a different kind.
But that's not why I can't stop watching it...
There's this deep sorrow in relationship. Sometimes...all I have wanted to do is never have to believe in love...being without hope feels better. You can't get hurt when you don't hope.
But my mom reminded me that I couldn't stop hoping. I almost didn't want to listen that day six months ago...and today I was talking it over with God--asking if I could just give up the hoping--and He told me no. And He told me other things that I won't write down here because its between me and Him. We'll see what happens three years from now...
I have to hope...and I live longing...and there is somebody that I used to know--and loved, as well as I was able--I have to hope...
"Maybe it's for the best", my head says and I know deep in me that all this has been for the best. All the heartache and pain, the longing, the breaking open inside me that I never knew I was capable of, the dying to self that I am learning to live daily...God has good plans for me, perfect plans, but I must wait on His counsel and stand in His will.
God made marriage for more than two people having sex...and we forget that somehow. We, as Christians, put our needs being met before a whole lot of things--but God never meant it that way. I want my marriage--MY LIFE!--to be a testament to God and His goodness. That requires dying to self and longings every day. God told me something today that means a big change in my life--a big change for three years. I want to live so fully given to Him these next three years. I know He has great gifts for me--but this world is so full of heartache and pain, why did I think I would be exempt? I tried my hardest to stay away from everything that would hurt me (I'm a complete baby when it comes to pain) but it found me anyway. It came and tore apart the most vulnerable part of me--my woman's heart. And the strange, sad thing is that he will never know...and that also is best.
But back to the song...we all know that cutting, biting, cruel pain of a heart ripped from its protection and thrown to the mercy of...you fill in that blank. Do we hope again? Do we try again? Do we search for love, even if we know it could just tear us open and cause more damage?
We do. We want love. We long for love. Sometimes we'll do anything to get that love that we desire. It's a cruel world. But I have learned that the love I am searching for could not possibly be found in any man. Sure, they can give some measure of love. They can comfort and create joy and make you feel new. But the love I long for--the deepest part of me cries out for--cannot be ascertained within this world. It is of a different...sort, I guess you could say. It is the love which reaches well beyond what we can fathom and reaches farther still--bottomless, endless, unfathomable and so good.
My Love lifts me beyond my circumstances. He reminds me that He has a plan and what He can see is so beyond me--I must trust Him. My Love searches me out when I would rather be anywhere than in His embrace--He washes me clean and makes my shame fall away in His presence. My Love looks into my eyes--and I'm astonished all over again, because He sees in me His pure white Bride and He delights in me. There is nothing He would like to do more than just to be with me, showing me His love. My Love makes me new, my Love heals my heart and my Love is there for me through every broken part of my past. When I gasp in pain, because the one I used to love turns up around a corner unexpected and just seeing him makes my heart wrench inside my chest, even then, He is there. Pouring His warm healing oil over my heart and making even this a time when we can be drawn closer together.
I am thankful for His grace. I am thankful for His kindness. I am thankful that He caught me when I was a stranger wandering and saved me. I am thankful for the promises and wonderful moments He has ahead and I am thankful that He will be steadfast and see me through even the hardest moments that may lie ahead for me. I don't know where I'm going and I have no plan--only Jesus.
And isn't that how He always wanted it to be.
In His arms.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Be the Real Thing Because No One Else Can Show the World Jesus the Way You Do
Do you know why I hate warped Christianity? Because the real thing is so good and so healing and the fake...it just misses it all, all of the grace, freedom, joy, vulnerability, love, holiness that was meant to be a part of all that we are...hmmmm...
Glee has a new "character"--a Teen Jesus who has named each of his dreads after a book of the Bible, was home schooled forever (and only went to school after he realized his best friend was his mom) and has a dad who is a door to door Bible salesman. Yeah, he's ridiculous.
I hadn't watched Glee in a while but I did watch the Glee Project which was on during the summer and I knew who they were trying to copy in this "Teen Jesus" character. He was a guy named Cameron, a good guy, the kind of guy you'd want in the jungle with you because you knew he'd protect you and honor you and help you laugh through the hard times and the uncertainty. Part of the reason (and eventually it was the only reason) that I watched the Glee Project was Cameron. He was a genuine Christian living his life out before and with the kids on this show. He brought an element to the show that was so grace filled and genuine--when they had to do the "vulnerable" show, he found it hard to find something to be vulnerable about because all his cards were already out on the table.
Eventually Cameron chose to leave the show--he had a girlfriend at home and it was tearing him up to be asked again and again to make out with girls who were not his girl (I know right, so dreamy!!! haha) He chose to leave and was very honest with why and that made the director want him even more--but he really was done and everyone repsected him for it. I stopped watching the show after that. All I had really cared about was Cameron and if he was done, so was I.
Fast forward to last night when I was just messing around and trying to entertain myself. I turned on Glee, the Hearts episode done for Valentine's Day. It was lame...and then we skipped to the "God Squad" meeting where they introduced a new member. It was one of the guys who had been a contendor on the Glee Project and won! (I guess) He was the Teen Jesus that the director had been excited to put on the show...he had told Cameron (not the guy who won the Glee Project, but the one who chose to leave) that he had never had a Christian character and wanted to create one...well, he did...but he's using the wrong kid and it's so flat and wrong and lame! I just had to turn it off, because I knew what they were trying to copy (Cameron--and my life!) and they were so far...
Because genuineness can't be faked...and love is the real deal...and you can have all the trappings of being a Christian (according to the world: which is apparently naming dreads after Bible books and being homeschooled) and be so far...
I guess this blog is about hope and joy and being so proud of who I am. Jesus isn't about what fits in your life or doesn't but something much more special, a change from the inside out. I am so blessed to be in His arms and know His love and have the chance and beauty and strength within me to share Him with the world. I am so thankful for the inside out way that God works and the hope He brings and the way He fills your life with power. We have been given everything we need to live godly lives that please our Daddy. I for one am so grateful...
And over nad over again we will run into the counterfiet as we see the world try to copy what we have. But you can't fake being a Christian--and the life and source of a Christian is something which only heaven knows. We are a special people...
I pray that you would let your light shine before men, that you would honor your heavenly Father. Let's be like Cameron...let's be like Jesus.
Here's a clip of Cameron. He's awesome: Cameron talking to Alex
Glee has a new "character"--a Teen Jesus who has named each of his dreads after a book of the Bible, was home schooled forever (and only went to school after he realized his best friend was his mom) and has a dad who is a door to door Bible salesman. Yeah, he's ridiculous.
I hadn't watched Glee in a while but I did watch the Glee Project which was on during the summer and I knew who they were trying to copy in this "Teen Jesus" character. He was a guy named Cameron, a good guy, the kind of guy you'd want in the jungle with you because you knew he'd protect you and honor you and help you laugh through the hard times and the uncertainty. Part of the reason (and eventually it was the only reason) that I watched the Glee Project was Cameron. He was a genuine Christian living his life out before and with the kids on this show. He brought an element to the show that was so grace filled and genuine--when they had to do the "vulnerable" show, he found it hard to find something to be vulnerable about because all his cards were already out on the table.
Eventually Cameron chose to leave the show--he had a girlfriend at home and it was tearing him up to be asked again and again to make out with girls who were not his girl (I know right, so dreamy!!! haha) He chose to leave and was very honest with why and that made the director want him even more--but he really was done and everyone repsected him for it. I stopped watching the show after that. All I had really cared about was Cameron and if he was done, so was I.
Fast forward to last night when I was just messing around and trying to entertain myself. I turned on Glee, the Hearts episode done for Valentine's Day. It was lame...and then we skipped to the "God Squad" meeting where they introduced a new member. It was one of the guys who had been a contendor on the Glee Project and won! (I guess) He was the Teen Jesus that the director had been excited to put on the show...he had told Cameron (not the guy who won the Glee Project, but the one who chose to leave) that he had never had a Christian character and wanted to create one...well, he did...but he's using the wrong kid and it's so flat and wrong and lame! I just had to turn it off, because I knew what they were trying to copy (Cameron--and my life!) and they were so far...
Because genuineness can't be faked...and love is the real deal...and you can have all the trappings of being a Christian (according to the world: which is apparently naming dreads after Bible books and being homeschooled) and be so far...
I guess this blog is about hope and joy and being so proud of who I am. Jesus isn't about what fits in your life or doesn't but something much more special, a change from the inside out. I am so blessed to be in His arms and know His love and have the chance and beauty and strength within me to share Him with the world. I am so thankful for the inside out way that God works and the hope He brings and the way He fills your life with power. We have been given everything we need to live godly lives that please our Daddy. I for one am so grateful...
And over nad over again we will run into the counterfiet as we see the world try to copy what we have. But you can't fake being a Christian--and the life and source of a Christian is something which only heaven knows. We are a special people...
I pray that you would let your light shine before men, that you would honor your heavenly Father. Let's be like Cameron...let's be like Jesus.
Here's a clip of Cameron. He's awesome: Cameron talking to Alex
Friday, January 13, 2012
Misty Edwards Collage/Thoughts
It's a Friday night--and you know what those are good for: undistracted reflection!!!
So, I have Misty Edwards music playing and whatever comes out during this time...will come out :)
Song I'm listening to right now:
"You hedge me in
with skin
all around me
I'm a garden enclosed
a locked garden
life takes place, behind the place
It's you and me alone God (4x-ish)"
Hmmm...I wonder...people's lives are moving forward but I'm not concerned with that:
"I'm no longer my own, I'm your garden
I don't want to waste my time living on the outside,
I'm gonna live from the inside out"
Exactly what the lyrics say is so true for me. I am no longer my own, I am His garden. I definitely have felt pruned this season, but it is so that I can bear more fruit. Maybe I'm on the edge of everything and don't even know it! I just am learning to rest completely in Him and leave the results up to Him. And that's the best place for me right now. I have more than proved that I can not handle my life or make good choices on my own (especially as it comes to relationships). I am so glad for God's keeping and His leading in my life.
"What does love look like? is the question I've been pondering..."
So true of my life right now...
"I once believed that love was romance, just a chance...
but love is more than this
All you ever wanted was my attention...to sit here at your feet...
if all of life comes down to love..."
And so true, that it can be seen in Christ's love--what was the expression in His eyes as He died for us on that cross?
"I could not escape those beautiful eyes
He had arms wide open a heart exposed
He had arms wide open
He was bleeding, bleeding..."
If I'm single for the rest of my life...but I know Him...I will have missed nothing.
"You shall love me...you shall love me...you shall love me....you shall love me...
With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open
Bleeding, sometimes bleeding
You shall love me..."
This is the way I have chosen, one life fully committed to the cross and the love shown there...I had forgotten.
Haiti...Haiti needs wounded healers.
"You'll come alive when you learn to die
You shall love me...you shall love me...you shall love me..."
Wounded healers are those who have felt the pain and been through the struggle of life's day to day (perhaps cancer, war, death, sickness) and serve others out of that place and love and bring the healing and comfort that they have received into the broken places they encounter in others.
It's not about being perfect...it's about offering the comfort you have recieved with arms wide open to those who need to know of and feel its power. God on display in your life.
New song playing now:
"I live only to see your face,
so shine on me..."
Crying out, desperate: that was all me last Sunday in worship. I had nowhere to turn and had come to the end of myself this last break--oh, if the secrets of my heart were to be exposed I would not have a friend left! But God...He sees the most desperate, sinful, fallen times...the times when we abandon hope and forget to trust in Him...and He still loves us.
I was desperate for that love...I cried out...and even now, I don't know if I am completely open to it the way I long to be, but I want His love to be more and more predominant in my life.
"My soul longs for you
Nothing else will do
I believe you will come like the rain..."
Oh!!! There was a vision I had once of myself as a real small girl, just desperate and crying out on her knees in a really dusty, empty season of life...and then she was drenched with water and the pure ecstasy on her face was unmatched anywhere. May I be overflowing with Your presence, Beauty and Power in the days to come...I believe...
"Hallelujah, hallelujah
You'll make all things new..."
Even Haiti...even my heart
"So let it rain, let it rain, let it rain, let it rain..."
So, I have Misty Edwards music playing and whatever comes out during this time...will come out :)
Song I'm listening to right now:
"You hedge me in
with skin
all around me
I'm a garden enclosed
a locked garden
life takes place, behind the place
It's you and me alone God (4x-ish)"
Hmmm...I wonder...people's lives are moving forward but I'm not concerned with that:
"I'm no longer my own, I'm your garden
I don't want to waste my time living on the outside,
I'm gonna live from the inside out"
Exactly what the lyrics say is so true for me. I am no longer my own, I am His garden. I definitely have felt pruned this season, but it is so that I can bear more fruit. Maybe I'm on the edge of everything and don't even know it! I just am learning to rest completely in Him and leave the results up to Him. And that's the best place for me right now. I have more than proved that I can not handle my life or make good choices on my own (especially as it comes to relationships). I am so glad for God's keeping and His leading in my life.
"What does love look like? is the question I've been pondering..."
So true of my life right now...
"I once believed that love was romance, just a chance...
but love is more than this
All you ever wanted was my attention...to sit here at your feet...
if all of life comes down to love..."
And so true, that it can be seen in Christ's love--what was the expression in His eyes as He died for us on that cross?
"I could not escape those beautiful eyes
He had arms wide open a heart exposed
He had arms wide open
He was bleeding, bleeding..."
If I'm single for the rest of my life...but I know Him...I will have missed nothing.
"You shall love me...you shall love me...you shall love me....you shall love me...
With arms wide open, a heart exposed
With arms wide open
Bleeding, sometimes bleeding
You shall love me..."
This is the way I have chosen, one life fully committed to the cross and the love shown there...I had forgotten.
Haiti...Haiti needs wounded healers.
"You'll come alive when you learn to die
You shall love me...you shall love me...you shall love me..."
Wounded healers are those who have felt the pain and been through the struggle of life's day to day (perhaps cancer, war, death, sickness) and serve others out of that place and love and bring the healing and comfort that they have received into the broken places they encounter in others.
It's not about being perfect...it's about offering the comfort you have recieved with arms wide open to those who need to know of and feel its power. God on display in your life.
New song playing now:
"I live only to see your face,
so shine on me..."
Crying out, desperate: that was all me last Sunday in worship. I had nowhere to turn and had come to the end of myself this last break--oh, if the secrets of my heart were to be exposed I would not have a friend left! But God...He sees the most desperate, sinful, fallen times...the times when we abandon hope and forget to trust in Him...and He still loves us.
I was desperate for that love...I cried out...and even now, I don't know if I am completely open to it the way I long to be, but I want His love to be more and more predominant in my life.
"My soul longs for you
Nothing else will do
I believe you will come like the rain..."
Oh!!! There was a vision I had once of myself as a real small girl, just desperate and crying out on her knees in a really dusty, empty season of life...and then she was drenched with water and the pure ecstasy on her face was unmatched anywhere. May I be overflowing with Your presence, Beauty and Power in the days to come...I believe...
"Hallelujah, hallelujah
You'll make all things new..."
Even Haiti...even my heart
"So let it rain, let it rain, let it rain, let it rain..."
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Livin' the New Life!!!!!!!
I've sworn off facebook for a while, so I'll have to put all my thoughts here :) ...it's actually better in its own way, because I hate posting one-liners. I always have much more to say than fits in the box/I think of more things I wish I could bring to others attention.
Okay, one thing about me: I LOVE THE CIVIL WARS!!! And I don't mind shouting it (electronically). I love it even more after reading about why they are called the Civil Wars.
This comes from an interview which you can find here: Civil Wars Interview with NY Times
So true, huh? We are all fighting our own private battles...
Mine has consumed me a bit too much lately :)
Yes, I am lonely...but who isn't? It's a symptom of human nature...I suppose I always thought I was above all those things--but this year (and many years of my existence) have proven otherwise.
I guess I'm seeing and living my humanity and learning to be okay with it.
See, there are two different ways to be a Christian. The first, and easiest, is to appear to follow all the rules that are set out by Christianity (don't murder, cheat, lie, steal) and keep to yourself. This way of living is very easy and easily done in our culture of isolation. You can live for years thinking that you are a "good Christian" and don't need to make any changes in your life (because you don't--you aren't harming anyone and other people see your good behavior and constantly praise you for it).
I lived this illusion. It wasn't a bad thing, in its own way--it's just that...you are missing the fullness that Christ always meant you to have. You are living life on your own terms and it stunts you. Life to the fullest doesn't always mean the biggest, brightest butterflies and happy feelings all the time. It means you may feel pain, and it means you have questions that make you churn in your bed at night and keep you from being able to look other people in the face.
I think its so funny...I'm living the second way now and its the strangest thing...I have been exposed to more pain and sorrow in the last few years than I had any idea I would go near. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Haiti--oh, how I feel in love with that place!!! And how it broke me into pieces...I said that "yes", the yes you should never give but absolutely have to when God asks you. I found the "yes" again recently in a letter I sent out to my supporters after the last time I went to Haiti.
Okay, one thing about me: I LOVE THE CIVIL WARS!!! And I don't mind shouting it (electronically). I love it even more after reading about why they are called the Civil Wars.
"Q. Why did you call yourselves the Civil Wars?
WILLIAMS I came up with the name. It has nothing to do with the historical meaning. There is a great quote that I believe is Plato, who said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” As I was thinking about the music we make, that sense of battle seemed applicable. That sense of yin and yang, of male and female, of our differing backgrounds, all that seemed to allude to the battles that we all face with faith or addictions or jobs or relationships. Every single person walking down the street is fighting a great battle, whether or not you can see it."
This comes from an interview which you can find here: Civil Wars Interview with NY Times
So true, huh? We are all fighting our own private battles...
Mine has consumed me a bit too much lately :)
Yes, I am lonely...but who isn't? It's a symptom of human nature...I suppose I always thought I was above all those things--but this year (and many years of my existence) have proven otherwise.
I guess I'm seeing and living my humanity and learning to be okay with it.
See, there are two different ways to be a Christian. The first, and easiest, is to appear to follow all the rules that are set out by Christianity (don't murder, cheat, lie, steal) and keep to yourself. This way of living is very easy and easily done in our culture of isolation. You can live for years thinking that you are a "good Christian" and don't need to make any changes in your life (because you don't--you aren't harming anyone and other people see your good behavior and constantly praise you for it).
I lived this illusion. It wasn't a bad thing, in its own way--it's just that...you are missing the fullness that Christ always meant you to have. You are living life on your own terms and it stunts you. Life to the fullest doesn't always mean the biggest, brightest butterflies and happy feelings all the time. It means you may feel pain, and it means you have questions that make you churn in your bed at night and keep you from being able to look other people in the face.
I think its so funny...I'm living the second way now and its the strangest thing...I have been exposed to more pain and sorrow in the last few years than I had any idea I would go near. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Haiti--oh, how I feel in love with that place!!! And how it broke me into pieces...I said that "yes", the yes you should never give but absolutely have to when God asks you. I found the "yes" again recently in a letter I sent out to my supporters after the last time I went to Haiti.
I have said the final yes.
Yes to whatever God wants to put in front of me or take away.
In the sacrifice, I find that it has been no sacrifice at all, because of all that I have gained.
That is what Haiti is to me.
A sacrifice of praise…
A prayer to God on behalf of a seemingly hopeless nation…
only to find His joy and kindness and goodness spilling out and overwhelming me.
The road ahead may be steep and filled with pain--but the sacrifice is worth it. Haha! I just need the reminding every once in a while. The things I am trading for now will be nothing compared with what God does in the future. I not only have Haiti to look forward to, but also heaven! And what a rejoicing that will be.
So I live the second life now. It hurts at times, but the joy is also there. I would much rather this--caring deeply about things and knowing that life is not all sunshine and sweet things, than the life I lived. I want to know the world the way that Jesus did--and still love it, the way that Jesus did. It's easy to love when all is right and you feel no longings or pain. The harder rode to travel is one where you feel all the pain, humiliation and lose and still respond with love.
I'm still learning...but this is what I choose.
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