I Am His

 

It’s just a stay up late kind of night…I’m not sure why.

To follow Jesus—it’s going to cost a lot. I will have to be misunderstood by those I love and am close to. I will have to wait for His timing in seasons when I would rather run ahead and do it my own way. I am the peasant girl who would be content with playing among the weeds and putting flowers in my hair—but He calls me to approach and enter a castle, to be robed in all that is befitting to a Queen, to preside over a court and love a people with my whole heart—enough to be willing to die for them. Sometimes I rail against this calling—I like not what it costs me. My urge to take control and escape the vague uncertainties is only succumbed by my constant fellowship with He who loves me best. Left to my own devises I will wander trackless deserts—but He calls me into the sunshine of His embrace and the joy found there. Much I have given up, but much have I been loved—and that is of the worth I would give anything for. My life is not my own, but somehow, the sting of that statement has been stayed. I no longer have the wild ready-to-bolt look of a stallion—He has calmed me with a full assurance of His love. Blessings all mine!

So I say this to You, My Love, my All-in-All: do what You will with my life. Take what You must and prune as is befitting. You know the desires of my heart—all of them placed there by You—and You will fulfill them in due season. I have only to trust in You, to keep following. Stay my wayward heart, keep it close to Yours and when it cries out—frightened and alone and seemingly far from its comfort—whisper again Your promises. As long as I can hear You, remember the promises and be reminded of love; I know all will be well. Many and long may be the roads ahead, but I travel with You, oh Love of My Heart. You lead me well.

A Little More--God at Work in a Heart Set on Him

 These entries are from the beginning of the trip...we had a lot of time on our hands (which at first drove me crazy) but it meant I got to think and write a lot--these entries happened over a period of five days and these are only excerpts--there's pages and pages more of this stuff!!! God was doing a lot in me and I was taking the time to hear Him :) May it always continue on...

July 11^th, 2008

            Thank you for being a shelter for us, Lord, thank You for keeping us safe. We owe our very lives to You, Lord. Why have You brought us here? What is your plan and purpose in all this, Lord? Let us hear from You…

            “If the narrative of the Scriptures teaches us anything, from the serpent in the Garden to the carpenter from Nazareth, it teaches us that things are rarely what they seem, that we shouldn’t be fooled by appearances.”

             --from The Sacred Romance, pg. 92-93

            Case in point: Haiti…

            …sitting here, reading the Bible—I love how hope (“espwa” in Creole) is so different in the Bible from how we use it in ordinary English language. Hope for Americans means “maybe it’ll happen”. We “hope” to go to the movies. In the Bible this hope is a definite thing. God is a God of hope.

            “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him.” Romans 15:13

            Those words, “because you trust in Him,” stick out so strong for me right now. Almost like God is saying, “Remember? You trust in Me! This is the lesson we’ve (because I strive with God) been learning for the last few years. Trust me. It will all fall into place. Trust me.”

            I want to feed people, really provide for their needs. Maybe God isn’t doing it this trip so that a hunger in me builds to feed the hungry. You know, things like a kiss, etc. are always a lot more satisfying when you’ve had to wait for them that much longer. Something inside me, when I’ve gone home, will start going crazy about how I couldn’t feed them, it didn’t happen, they still need help and I’ll fall on my knees and really be praying and longing to find a way to go back, to be a real servant, to provide for the hunger, be there, suffer with. This trip is good, everyone needs an intro, but I know there’s so much more and I am so unable. My weakness, powerlessness to do anything, even though I’m here in this country almost infuriates me. I’m accepting it, but I also can’t accept it. There has to be more I can do…but that’s where it ends. I can’t do anything. I can’t starve just to feed someone else. I can’t…I don’t know who needs help…this is where God steps in—at the point that I realize there is no way but Him.

            The last part of that verse: “Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Thank You for Your Word, Lord…

            …After we had prayed [for Pastor Westerne, who hosted us during our time in Haiti] and Katie and I came back to our room I said, “We’ve declared war.” These next few weeks will not be easy. God, bind us together, let us be open and honest with each other and let us recognize spiritual attack and go to war for each other. God of Jacob, we need You desperately. You are the only One strong enough to defeat these things which will come against us in the following weeks. Fight for us, Jehovah Tsebaioth—Captain of the Lord of Hosts.

            “Your job in this battle is just to keep moving on. Simply walk in obedience to My Word…Just come under the blood. I will cover you with all manner of divine protection. Keep walking and talking with me. All the while I will be doing battle for you…You have to know that the forces of Jehovah Tsebaioth are always at work on you behalf…Your day of total victory is soon to come.”

            --Knowing God by Name, Wilkerson, pg. 82-4

July 13^th, 2008

            I pray that Isaiah 50:4 would be true of me somehow: “The Sovereign Lord has given me His words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning He wakens me, and opens my understanding to His will.” I long for that understanding. Speak to me, speak to me please…won’t you speak to me…Your fire fall down, fire fall down on us as we pray. As we seek You…fire fall down…show us Your heart, show us Your way, show us Your glory…

            I know that You’re alive

            You came to fix my broken life

            I sing to glorify Your holy name, Jesus Christ

July 15^th, 2008

            Good quote (I’ve been reading Mountains Beyond Mountains since yesterday, I’m on pg. 164) from Margaret Mead:

            “Never underestimate the ability of a small group of committed individuals to change the world. Indeed they are the only ones who ever have.”…

           

…these next few years will fly…and I don’t know what to do after that. I really would love to teach…to be with a group of kids all day long [sidenote: I just went through student teaching and received my teaching credential—didn’t plan for that! But He did!]—I could so easily stay in America…but then I ache for the people of the world, especially kids—ANYBODY!—who is hungry. So I couldn’t possibly stay in America…

            I have a lot of praying to do, a lot of asking God where He wants me to go and then a lot of preparing to do. You can’t just waltz into a country like we’ve waltzed into Haiti and expect to make a difference. You really do have to learn the language and what the country is like—customs, history, how people live. It’s good to go where God sends you, but your part is to be prepared as much as possible…

           

         …Accept this.

         I’m doing my best, Lord, please help me.

         I’m sure this is so much a part of Haitian culture. The same thing I’m trying to accept is what they live day in and day out…they can’t leave after three weeks. Having no purpose, even though you have tons of potential (which many Haitians do—they’re smart, but have no where to apply it, no way to develop it, no place to prove themselves) this is their life. I hate it, and they must to, but they have accepted and hopefully not resigned themselves to it…Jesus teach me how to be like a Haitian…content in my circumstances, without resigning myself to my fate.

July 16^th, 2008

        Been reading about righteousness:

        “Righteousness is believing the promises of God, being fully persuaded that He will keep His word. Unrighteousness is unbelief—staggering at His promises, doubting God will do what He promised and trying to do it ourselves.”

        Oh, I have been guilty of that underlined part before and I’ve made a mess of things! Help me, dear God, to learn/take on Your rghteousness.

        “None of these things—personal obedience, deny[ing] ourselves and reject[ing] the world, forsak[ing] all lusts of the flesh, tak[ing] up our cross, surrendur[ing] continually to the Lord, walking in purity and seeking a life that is pleasing to Him—[are] possible unless we are fully persuaded that God will keep His covenant promises to us. It all comes down to trusting in His Word. The fact is, our acceptance does not depend on any of these things. We are accepted by God only because we are in Christ. You see, God accepts only one person, Jesus—and in turn, we are accepted because we believe in His finished work for us on the cross.”

--Knowing God by Name, pg. 118

        This is so freeing to me.

        Despite all that was going against him, Abraham still believed God would fuflfill His promises. “That is the righteousness that is of faith, not works. Abraham is [God’s] definition of a righteous man.” (pg. 119)

        “God’s only demand of His people has been, ‘Believe My word. Trust in My promises. Have faith that I will do the impossible for you,’” but “deep down, we tell ourselves that we do not pray enough, give enough or sacrifice enough…something inside us keeps insisting, ‘I can’t be righteous before the Lord without more effort, more pain, more struggle.’ So our flesh jumps in and tries to help God make us righteous. Yet, all along, the only thing God has asked of us is simply to trust Him to do what He has already promised.” (pg. 119-120)
         *note from modern Robin: this lesson that was being impressed on me that morning has been a theme for the last few years--I'm always trying to do it on my own (because I was operating out of fear which results in wanting control) and God is all about showing me that if I don't go to Him and ask for help, I'm sunk. I'm excited to say that I FINALLY GOT IT!!! and have realized the power of the cross, all that God has done for us and that we just have to ask and the Kingdom comes breaking in to all the dirty broken places and when God is at work and we follow--it's so beautiful! Who wouldn't want to be righteous? AND GOD IS GOING TO DO ALL HE PROMISED!!!

The Journals and Workings of a Heart Set to Follow

These are all pre-trip journals. This first entry is from a few weeks before my trip, on the day my little bro graduated high school:

                                                                                                 

     Jesus.

     You remind me of hope. One visit by You to our planet changed everything. I will not believe this statement: "one accidental human visitor has little chance of making a difference in their lives." You have absolutely refuted this claim through Your life. 

    What these people need is someone to stay, to dwell with them, to care and love enough to make a commitment.

    "I [was] never meant to do this on [my] own"  from 'I'll Be There for You'

    I know my God will be with me wherever I go. There is too much suffering in this world, too much that needs changing, for me to stay here and be comfortable. I must move, God guide me. And no matter what I lose, I will still follow.

     It's only by Your grace and Your power and Your love that I am able to do anything. Help me to always remember that I am completely reliant on You.

     "Tell the world that Jesus lives..."

     What do you desire for me, Lord?

     What do you desire of me, Lord?

                                     --June 11th, 2008

Helping out with the Drama Portion of my churches Vacation Bible School Program:

     I think I've realized a few things this week. Maybe things being reaffirmed.

     First, I've got to get serious about God. No more of this mushy, gushy, "I love Jesus" talk and "did you have fun?" I was doing VBS this week, teaching through drama and reading Keith Green's biography, written by his wife. I was good at what I did in VBS, people kept giving me compliments ad Brenda [children's pastor at the church] told me I could have a future in children's ministry...I could have taken a lot of pride in that and I'm sad to say I did. One girl came up to me in chapel and asked me to sign her balloon. At least that's what I thought she said. Turns out she wanted me to tie it.

     But if this isn't all pointing back to Jesus...what exactly am I doing this for? And who? For Brenda, who when I saw her come into the room, my heart skipped a beat. Two of my old friends showing up again--pride and my need to please people. No wonder I keep reading the verse "for they loved the praise of man more than the praise of God". I believe it's a warning.

     Yes, I could go into children's ministry and I could be good at it too. But for the glory of who?

                                  --June 27th, 2008

     I'm supposed to write a lot, when I go to Haiti. And I'm supposed to only take one book, called The Sacred Romance. I'm reading another book while at home about the life of Peter Marshall, written by his wife. The book is A Man Called Peter and the theme of The Sacred Romance can be summarized through this quote from A Man Called Peter:

     "...idealism of Peter's was no mere sentimentality, for it was rooted and grounded in the love of Christ. Indeed, every sermon Peter preached was a word drama, whose gigantic backdrop was a picture etched in bold strokes of God's age-long courtship of the human race. To the preacher, all human history was but the tale of God's tender wooing of the self-willed, stubborn hearts of men and women--a drama that culminated in the Cross. No romance could ever equal the romance of Calvary..." (pg. 81)

                          --July 4th, 2008

    ...remember that always and in every place, Christ has made victory possible for us.

Remember that always and in every place, Christ has made victory possible for us!

supplement our small faith, Lord!

Let us know Your face, Your name our hope! For You alone can do all things. In Your name, Jesus, do we go forth!

                          --July 5th, 2008

This song, a bit of it, came to mind last week. I found out what song it was and found a video of it on Youtube and I’ve been watching and singing with it all week. The song is “You Are My Stronghold” by Watermark. I love the message of this song, it’s so powerful and it speaks to my situation. A song given to me by the Lord.

Lord, You are my light and my salvation

Whome shall I fear if you are near?

Lord, You are my peace when there is war all around me

And even there inside me I will have no fear

(Chorus)

O Lord, You’re my protection from my enemies

You set me high upon a rock and You defend my soul

And when their ways advance against me

I am confident

That they cannot make me less,

For You have made me whole

Lord, You are my strength, so let my head be lifted up

That I may glory in the ways You’ve overcome

Lord, You are my home because You’ve created in me

A heart that lives the victory that You’ve already won

(2x Chorus)

                                                        --July 5th, 2008

At this point, I’ve met up with my team and we’re preparing to go!:

We drew what part of the body we felt we were and immediately, as Katie was talking about the activity, a picture of a heart popped into my mind. My gift is faith, knowing God can do anything and that is central. I also think I have the gift of mercy and that is central to the heart…I don’t know, I almost felt like I was being prideful, saying I was such a central part, but all the parts are important. I’m no more important…if we were all heart and no brains, where would we be?

                --July 6^th, 2008 (going to Haiti tomorrow!)

The day we leave:

A promise: At your weakest point, you will be protected.

“Through it all God wanted to prove to Israel that He alone was their defense. He wanted to convince them, ‘This isn’t your battle. Victory will never come through your own hands. It will not happen through your muscle, might or power. It will come to you only through My Spirit.” (Knowing God By Name, 70)

having no confidence in the flesh

“cast…[your]self completely into the arms of your heavenly Father…refuse…to put [your] confidence in man or in [your] own strength…” (pg. 72, same book)

            You call us to something that transcends safety and common sense” (pg. 60, Sacred Romance), something glorious for Your Kingdom.

            The shout of a King is among us!

            “For the Lord their God is with them;

he has been proclaimed their king.

God brought them out of Egypt;

For them He is as strong as a wild ox.

No curse can touch Jacob;

No magic has any power against Israel.

For now it will be said of Jacob,

‘What wonders God has done for Israel!’”

Numbers 23:21-23

Same God is with us today. So strong, so powerful with a love so deep. Though we hurt Him, He still loves, as a mother loves the baby in her womb. [From modern Robin—just felt like this needs to be said: We are called to deep, inordinate love—every single human one of us. This flies in the face of all that the world cries to us about protecting ourselves and only loving when we are sure of gain from it—our King teaches deeper and better. He shows the love of a mother, who though her baby was deformed and might infringe upon her life, refused to even consider an abortion. Though this baby had been only a few weeks growing in her, she already knew and loved it and would sacrifice anything on its behalf. That is the love we are called to—giving our all though it may cost us our all—body, soul and self. None belong to you, for you belong to the Lord. Live as such; offer your bodies as living sacrifices for His glory. He will lead, guide and cause you to prosper. All that you believe you are losing will be given back to you tenfold, nay, a hundredfold. Only follow, think nothing of the cost.] May we not dishonor You, Lord, with our actions but may we bring You glory in all we do and say in Haiti. This is the day…

                                      --July 7^th, 2008

From the Heart: In the BEGINNING...

So...I've been going through my journals from the last six years (basically since I started college/loving Haiti) and writing down the memorable bits, so that they're more portable (once I start doing all the "stuff" of life--like traveling overseas--I won't be able to carry around a ten pound bag of journals :)

Most of the bits I've been putting on cardstock...but this journal I'm going through now (the one where I am actually in Haiti) has too much to keep on one piece of cardstock and is ultimately worth sharing. This is a lot of how and where my heart was shaped: so I'm gonna put it up on this blog.

Enjoy it.

Learn from it.

Pray for me.

Pray for them!

It'll come up later today--and it'll probably take up a couple of blogposts--it's been quite a journey!

Jesus, We'll Fight with YOU--PIERCE THE DARK

I dreamed I was sold into sex trafficking last night.

I knew who the pimp was--my dad had sold me (not my real dad, it wasn't the real him or the real me) and I was totally resigned to it. A friend and I were walking through a store, stealing some last new things (an outfit) and it was like I was abandoning all the old for the new reality. I knew it was coming and I knew I couldn't stop it. The thing that struck me most about the whole thing was how resigned the dream me was to it: she didn't even try to fight. Somehow she knew that it would just make it worse.

I share this because of the words spoken to me right after I woke up:

"That's what my daughters have to go through every day"

Say good bye to all your dreams for a future
            good bye to being normal
                  good bye to having control over your body

"My precious ones," God whispers as His heart breaks

They find a way to cope by being high, drunk
       just existing (go numb)
              while deep inside the dream lingers of being cherished

We have to rush the dark, we have to save these precious ones--those who can't fight for themselves.

The blog I read yesterday rings so true: if we just go along with the "boys will be boys" mantra that excuses any type of lewd behavior on the part of men, then we are agreeing with the second part "girls will be garbage".

"If boys will be boys, then girls will be garbage"

NO!

The Lion of the tribe of Judah will not tolerate His daughters being treated like garbage. He will not stand idly by while His precious daughters are ripped to shreds--forced to go through the unspeakable. I can feel His deep sorrow and He's asking us to turn the tide. To do the unthinkable and jump into darkness and bring light, bring freedom.

In Jesus' name and in His power we go.

We cannot fail.  

    

HEAR ME ROAR!!!

i carry joy

i look into the face of my Beloved

but sometimes i am tired...

it's not one thing...

it's just the daily fight.

if satan can knock me out,

and he can win,

then he can perpetuate his kingdom here on earth.

BUT I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!

i don't care what you bring against me,

how lonely or tired you make me feel

when depression lingers

i will find a stronghold

the arms of my GOD lie open for me

ready for me whenever i want to rush into them

i am not afraid of you

all you can do is make me feel--and i am not ruled by my feelings

and feed me lies--but HIS TRUTH is always stronger

you make me want to pursue HIM

to lead an uphill charge against you, you rotten old dream-killer

THE BATTLE BELONGS TO THE LORD AND I AM SAFE IN HIS CAMP!

so don't try to pull your tricks

and don't tell me who i was made to be

for there is SOMEONE who has spoken TRUTH, LOVE and LIFE over me

AND HIS VOICE WILL ALWAYS BE STRONGER

you think you can knock me out

I KNOW YOU ARE WAKING UP A LIONESS