This is Really Long--Don't Read It Unless You Want to Believe in the Change Jesus Brings! :P

"As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God. When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a harvest of sinful deeds, resulting in death. But now we have been released from the law, for we died to it and and are no longer captive to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way by obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living by the Spirit." 
(Romans 7:4b-6)

 Excuse me for a moment whilst I process my year...

Twenty-four--that was not a year I missed saying farewell too...it seemed to all go on forever with no hope in sight. I think I learned, as Abraham had to, to trust in God's promises even when there seemed no end in sight...no land to journey to, no son to see grow up, no dream blossoming...

Endurance produces...what was that again? Hope? Ha. How I learned the truth of that extraordinary statement. I think I'm realizing evermore that so much of our lives must be lived out supernaturally, supremely apart from what we realize/think we are able to do. This new life of the Spirit--a completely new way of living--is really the way we must go if we want to have anything to do with Jesus and His kingdom. Because its all--backwards and not upside down, but illogical: gaining hope from being in a place of despair; forgiving when there is no earthly reason to; believing in resurrection for ourselves, these old bodies--it's all ludicrous in the best possible sense of the word. Love especially--love, especially, is a most insane, unimaginable concept. No, not romantic love that everyone is obsessed with--but that ability to continue to hope in and long for someone who completely shuns you again and again. Reaching out to that person over and over even while they reject you...that's love.

Isn't that insane?

But that's what Jesus is, that's what He offers. To every person that could possibly ever choose to follow Him (and that's all of us) He extends His love, His forgiveness, His very life--and He asks us to do the same.

It is insane--because if you try to do this--really love someone despite how they treat you--you will end up in abusive, co-dependent, broken relationships...and no one wants that! So no one loves that way--or do they?

See the trick is--the catch, the gist of it all, the way I have learned from my own Father--this centerpiece of all that encompasses a life giving away to Christ--is that we don't do the loving.

Hear it again--it's not your job to do the loving.

Well, God is love and if we know God then we know love and if you don't have love then you don't have love, so I have to muster up the love for this other person, right?

Wrong.

We love because He first loved us.

This is love, not that we loved God but that He first loved us and sent His Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us. 

Can we just live here for a moment? Catch that last verse from 1 John--as we love one another, God dwells, abides, lives it out through us and that love (which came from Him in the first place!) gets perfected in us.

I've needed to hear this every day of my life and live here and I will die here--waiting for God to come and fill up my life so that I quit scrounging and trying to show enough love...finally believing in the fullest sense that Jesus came not to perfect me, but to love through me and the change of me becoming more and more like His Son suddenly gets wrought as I go about the ordinary task of loving Him alone by loving all those around me as He lives through me. 

I'm sure I'm off theologically at some point in the middle of this vast understanding that I am trying to pinpoint into a few words. Beloved, forgive me for it and move on.  Just realize for a moment with me the grace that this Pharisee-ical little girl has learned and be in awe of the God who would take the time to wrought that change. I am not the same--all my perfecting and needing others around me to perform has slowly died away in the flame of being broken enough to just know Him. He loved me in the middle of my mess, when I had absolutely nothing to offer--and I will spend my whole life learning how to live out a life filled with a love like that--a life leaning into my Father's arms and feeding others out of the abundance of that embrace. 

It's amazing the little places you'll go to--and the things that the Lord will teach you there. The endurance, hope, love--they don't get learned on the big stage when you're feeling really important. The hope of your life, the truth of it and who the Lord is creating you to be--they come out of small moments, lived in the presence of family and friends, completely mundane and totally treasured. Don't be ashamed or deride the big stage and shiny lights--but live your life not around those edges but in a way which proclaims that even if those things were never available to you, you know that your life is good, worth living, full of Him. 

That's what I learned this year--the hope when everything is failing comes because of the strength I find in Him, the joy in the midst of pain is present because He abides with me, I can keep climbing up this mountain, painful as it may be, because He's offering His hand to me. I don't have a lot at this point in my life, but all I have finds its origin in Him and that makes it exceedingly worth more than all the riches I could recieve. And given the choice, He knows what I'd choose.

A friend made the comment when I was talking over a bit of my year, "You're in missionary training." I laughed a little, but only because its true. I don't think even I will understand the gifts He's placed in me by teaching me how to live out through this year.

Because I wanted to run and cry and quit--so many times. I couldn't. I had no options--I had to face the reality of my life as it came and be honest about it and keep moving forward even when everything in me wanted to leave. To be honest, I screwed up a lot. Hurt people. Would have left had I had any options. But He stayed me, rescued me time and time again, practiced forgiveness through me, taught me to be an intercessor, changed me, ransomed me from the dead and restored me. Who I am now is stronger, more hopeful than who I was when I began twenty-four.

I wouldn't live those years again if you paid me (or did anything for me! ha!) but I would never trade the character, endurance, presence... 
 
"Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ." 
(1 Corinthians 1:7)

It's weird--I've never read this verse before, to my knowledge. But running across it this morning, the truth of it stuck in me--I have everything I could ever possibly need for every day ahead because of the access I have to Jesus and the truth of what He--the ever faithful one--is doing in me. I've only had a taste of the glory which is to come--and it only makes me thirst that much more.  

like this song by Brooke Fraser says:

if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
i can only conclude that I was not made for here...

"He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on that day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns." 
(I Corinthians 1:8)

There's something about the steadfast grace of God that keeps me running forward, with such hope! It makes me think of a vision I had once of me and my future husband (wherever you are!!!). We were running forward with all the strength we had, each of us with a hand in Jesus'...there was such joy in the exchange--I never even saw who it was on the other side of Jesus (I really didn't want to, yet) but I knew that our lives were about staying close to each other through our life in Jesus and He was the One propelling us forward. That no matter what came, He would link us together, enable us to keep running forward, joy and hope in our faces no matter the circumstances. Himself--so present with us...even in the middle of this terrible season, I somehow knew, deep in me past what anyone could say/convince me of, no matter how they spoke despair, no matter how stagnant it got--I just knew He was faithful--and it enabled me to keep going.

The dark night...all I had at times was a heart still burning for Him--and it was enough.

"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit." 
(Romans 8:5)

I think for some reason this verse became alive in a different way through this year--somehow or other I had always missed--or maybe hadn't had to live on close proximity with--people who were so willing to live in darkness, be dominated by what was controlling them and not see the harm it was doing. I learned compassion and forgiveness in a big way by seeing people through this--just being so aware that the reason they acted the way they did was almost not a conscious thing on their part--they didn't mean to damage you so bluntly, knife thrusts of words--they just didn't know any other way. So you had to learn not to be dead toward them, but to keep peeling back your pain and disappointment and see them anew each day. It's still a struggle for me--loving in spite of the pain they cause--but as I said earlier, Jesus' love has been shown to me so new...and I mean, just recently.  There's a newness in me, a profound declaration wrought by the pain that the Lord is completely pleased with me as I do my best, working out of His supernatural love, to extend love to the broken. It becomes such a beautiful thing--and they often have no idea how to respond--but its not about them and me anymore--its about what Jesus wants to show off through His kids--and that's His love! He wants Himself, His beautiful character of seeing beauty in the pain and calling forth hope out of brokenness to become a part of all we do. I for one am jumping on board.

"God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." 
(I Corinthians 1:9) 

 I mean, partnership with Jesus (perfect words for what it is) who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want the nearness, the darling blessedness of being one of His own and operating in His love? No more striving on my part to become all I was made to be, crying out of fear, "Use me, God!" lest He forget about me and all I did turned out to not be enough for Him. No, I have learned a new way, a reliance on His tender care and a darling hope into all of His promises--because a promise, unlike a contract, cannot be broken (read Romans 4 in the Message--it'll change your life!). I live in the risky faith embrace of trusting in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself--for me. I don't count His grace as something which is to be taken lightly--its what saved me, sustains me and will bring me into my forevermore. He's faithful for that!

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the point: you died to the power of the law when you died with Christ. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead." 
(Romans 7:4a)

A re-uniting...no, no, just a uniting--what you never had before because of sin becomes fully yours, fully possible because of what Jesus did for us. This year I proclaim His faithfulness, His power to release us from the grave, His utter ability to show up in whatever you called "dead" in your life and bring full life, better life than you could ever have proclaimed over it, to come springing up like a well-tended vine. It's all Him in you, no mustering up or being enough--but relaxing into what He is doing in the world and simply choosing to meet with Him there. Its such a more graceful way of life, its truly life--its what He has for you! Just seek...

"The message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God." 
(I Corinthians 1:18)

There was a moment, on the eve of my 25th birthday, when I lost it all. I mourned what had been, all the destruction, despair and hopelessness that had filled the year that was now behind me. I wailed, crying like I don't think I've ever cried, because this past year was just so hard to live through. Words can't describe and so that night the groans that Romans 8 talks about came out--deep anguish over what was lost, a grieving.

"And Christ lives within you so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God. The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead,  he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." 
(Romans 8:10-11)

I woke up the next morning and the love of God--which I had been crying out for, longing for, had a desprate need for--because I knew that I did not have within myself the capacity to love as He did, did not even know how to go about loving in this way that He commanded all throughout 1 John 4--suddenly it was there. I was just wrapped up in the love of God in a way that cannot make sense unless you have known that full assurance, peace--I suddenly knew beyond doubt that I had all I needed, the full depths of who He was, like in a way that's past knowing. It was just a part of who I was (am) now.

"So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the worlds brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish." 
(I Corinthians 1:20)

It was something new in me--God blessing and filling me up and reminding me that He is very present, ever present on the Earth--and that as I seek I will find, all I need is in Him, that even the worst that I can do will be covered by this love and that should I seek Him my whole life I will never come to the end of the goodness that is Him, all that he longs to pour out into me and through me. Like a good friend said last night, "We're not a pond, we're a hose." All that He is can flow out of my life and bless others as I rest and abide in Him allowing Him to reach out through me. It's good...and it won't make sense to anyone unless they are in Him! And He invites us into all that goodness, no matter where we are!

"So God did what the law could not do. He sent His own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sins control over us by giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins." 
(Romans 8:3b)

25 is a new year--beyond reaching a pivotal birthday into realizing that I can face anything from this point forward and it will be cake. I have hit and lived through the worst that a life can offer you. Jesus has shown up solid and become such a deep part of who I am that to separate would be to take the very life away from me--and you just can't do that! He rose from the dead--and so will I! It's bizarre how far this year has taken me--and I haven't traveled more than 8 hours from my home at any period during this time...

"But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength." 
(I Corinthians 1:24-25)

Mexico was like a culmination of all that year--a chance to stretch my wings and realize that the cage I had been living in for so long was starting to rattle--God was on His way, up to something, whispering on the wind. I'm stretching my wings, dreaming, anticipating, so fully hoping in the God who has taken a little bird who might have always claimed she was only a songbird and declaring over her life that she is an eagle, she has great strength, that what she carries changes atmospheres, people's life directions, hope--she just brings it, a result of a deep connection and abiding in the Father who speaks such strength and grace into all His children. She will be His beauty on display in a way most people have never seen--and don't be afraid of it! Lean in ever closer, and carry my heart, O my daughter.

"Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God." 
(Romans 8:13-14)

I will do whatever I will do, says the Lord, it matters not what you think I'm capable of or what you think I'm up to. I am the one who moves and breathes and gives life--the very life of the world. Any of you aligned with Jesus and living out this life in His life have no idea what you are in for! This life changed the world, gave wind to sweep under your wings (Holy Spirit) and went through (is still going through) the whole world. Do you think that has ended? Do you think that it could ever end?
Jump in--no telling what we'll see, only sure thing: Jesus is King and He does as He pleases.  
What hope!!!

"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." 
(I Corinthians 1:26-29)

I am so aware of how incapable I am--but monstrously absorbed in the fact that God can do as He likes through a life laid down. This is powerful, wholesome, stake-your-life-on-it truth...may it be the truth that changes your world as you walk through this life with Him, fully aware of His grace and how much hope He longs to bring into this broken world. If He can make me, in the middle of all my unknown circumstances and whatevers!!! trust--the one who used to be so fear-filled and worry haunted--if He can break me down enough to believe and fully walk in all He has for me--just think of what He can do in you! Never put the limits on Him--practice letting go! Letting go is having an insignificant faith--a faith that lays down all it has ever believed about what we think He can do and then laid down all that we think He should do in us or others and just chosen to have our vision expanded, our love (and ability) to love change and has been set free into believing that anything is possible and Jesus is at work everywhere. Do you live that way? Does your life proclaim an effortless, totally able God? Expand your vision of yourself, those around you and the Lord you serve! And if you have gone through utter brokenness--as I have this year--rejoice in it, for you know He is in the middle of it!

I was in Yosemite last Tuesday, reveling in sunshine, flowers and the delight of knowing my God. I went (for the first time in I don't know how many visits to Yosemite) into the little chapel on the valley floor and just had a moment of thankfulness and praise before the Lord. He has made my life come alight even in the middle of the crazy that was this year--I was even sitting in a pool of sunshine in that little chapel--and I know that that will continue to be the reality of my life in Him. No matter what we may be going through, we live our lives out in the sunshine of His love. That's where all this beautiful life comes through...

A little bit about MEXICO...a little bit about FEARING GOD

Holy Spirit, come and fill this place...

O my Egypt...

The statement above won't make any sense until you've finished reading this blogpost (which I hope you do). Maybe it won't even make sense then--maybe you won't understand because you haven't chosen to follow the Lord as He leads--or, more honestly, have no idea how to even go about that--or perhaps you're a stubborn hearted fellow that would chose Egypt even if it did kill him--just because its what you wanted to do and (obviously) you know best.

I heard a good sermon yesterday at Santa Cruz Bible Church on the "fear of the Lord". Quite poignant and touched right on where my thoughts have been lately: "How do we fear the Lord?" "What does it look like?" "What does it feel like?" "How does it affect your daily walk with the Lord (or anybody else)?", etc. All these silly things tumbling in my mind as I attempt to live out this Jesus life. (Oh, excuse me, as I live out this life in Him--grace--relying on His power and wisdom and all the rest to lead me on...it took me a long, brutal time to learn this...and it's just starting to make sense enough to put into modern language).

Moving on...away from the rambles: at first this preacher expounded on what a "fear of the Lord" was not--and then it got good...the fear of the Lord has always seemed like a mystical concept that no one has quite grasped and we genuinely enjoy batting around--like the balloon you float above the crowd and keep touching on every once in a while to keep it moving and floating--but it never quite touches the ground--and even if it did, it wouldn't make much of an impact. This sermon was all about making a serious dent--realizing exactly how a fear of the Lord creates/is lived out of a posture of the heart--and then expounding on exactly what it takes to cultivate this fear of the Lord. Good stuff. Stuff you can live your life out of...for example:

It takes HUMILITY
*if you are not willing/able/cognizant of the fact that you are not the center of your world--it's going to be hard to fear the Lord. Humility is essential--not claiming that you aren't worth anything, but realizing that there is One who is worth everything. One who you should bow down to, the "other" who is so different and yet loving toward you that the only truly "proper" form of response is worship. And really, humility has been a hard one for me. I try very hard to make my own way and love other people out of how good I am and set a good example--He never asked for that. He's had to break me of that for...lets just say a long time! and keep exposing me to grace, to how good He is in my life, not because I'm worth it or attained it, but because He DELIGHTS in ME! Good gracious me, how crazy is that?
Example: this Mexico trip I just went on had grace written all over it--I was supposed to send out support letter several months in advance of the trip--my letter got out 14 days before we were supposed to leave. It was, quite literally, ridiculous and I would not have been surpirsed if the money didn't get raised and I couldn't go. That was what I deserved for being such a nincompoop! Instead, I was shown favor--people handing me $100 (twice!) and dear friends sacrificing so I coud go--the money was raised in ten days! That's insane! You can't make this stuff up! Then, in Mexico, grace upon grace came again in the form of me just walking with the Lord--praying for a few of our kids, praying for Mexican nationals (in church and out!) and seeing God move and heal and set the kids I work with alight! It was beautiful, I wish you could have been there to see them come alive. One girl made the comment, "I really became a Christian on this trip. I believed in God and stuff before, but this trip made me realize that its all true." Grace...when it is shined out upon us, we can't help but create humility in our hearts and learn to live it out--the fear of the Lord...until we come to the end of us, we won't come to the beginning of God.

It takes EAGERNESS TO OBEY GOD 
If you're too full of fear and doubt to cultivate a fear of the Lord, you're going to be moving nowhere fast. For example, I have struggled with a fear of man for--well, you tell me. I can't remember a time not living it out, not caring about what others thought of me and being afraid to speak out or doing anything insane for God (like talking to strangers!)...and yet there was this haunting, aching desire to obey God and do all that He asked even when I wasn't sure i was hearing from Him. It was nerve wracking at times, second guessing myself (does God really want me to do...?) and then feeling so guilty after I "failed" (I can't believe I disappointed Him again by not talking to...)
I'm learning "grace free" living--not that grace is free but living out my life through grace is...let me explain: I always tried so hard to work up a good amount of grace so that I could reach out and help other people--trying to fill up my "clay jar" of a body with enough good stuff to give away--and at times (sadly) it worked. People thought I was good and applauded my efforts. Then I ran across the Holy Spirit (have you met that dude? You should.) and He was wacky! Out of this world power as He prayed through you, healed through you, spoke into dreams and gave visions through you--there are no words to properly describe what a reliance on and hope in the Holy Spirit does for you--only that it completely changes the way you do ministry. Instead of being exhausted all the time as you try to work up a sermon or Bible teaching, you actually ask Him for words and inspiration as you prepare and teach and He moves. As you lead worship, He gives you strength and energy and allows you to praise in a way that just wasn't possible for you before. As you pray, He points out exactly what that person needs and helps you to pray into that blessing and hope and encouragement for them. It's a whole new way of living.
Example: in Mexico, our kids learned about treasure hunting and prophetic words--controversial topics in some circles (and I have been in some of those circles), but our kids came alive with this. Learning to pray and ask God to speak was a revelation for them--and they heard from Him! One junior higher heard the word "love" just as she saw two doves flying together--so she and her team prayed that God would send them to the person who this message was for. The next house they went in to belonged to a two-time widowed woman who wanted to get married again. Her request was literally for a new love: marriage! So they prayed! Another team got the word "open doors" and saw a recessed door in a home--they went to one house where the little girl ran inside to get her mom and then didn't get back for a while--and it was the same type of door. So we prayed for an "open door" and it did open and we were able to bless the little girl and her mother.
It becomes a rollicking good time when you move with the Holy Spirit as He leads--it grows your eagerness to obey God and creates a sincere fear of the Lord--He's so good and able and He wants to reach out through us. We learn a deeper reliance on Him as we learn to be obedient to what He asks of us...

It takes (and this might be the biggest, most profound and beautiful piece for me) HOPEFUL TRUST
This is where I dwell now--not always (sometimes I'm just a mess!) but the peace of His care keeps overwhelming me. I have had dark times lately--some still sorting themselves out, or rather, He is--but the sunshine of His trust and the new days which keep coming keep me hopeful. There is an expectancy, often with no corrsepondence to the facts of my life!, that my God WILL come through and WILL show Himse;f strong in my every situation and I love this new trust and hope. He has shown Himself worthy and willing to move in my life at all times--whether I am shining out for Him or as broken as they come--and the future only holds more of His faithfulness and I continue to learn to live out faithfulness from Him. Even today I was tossing around in my head the importance of consistency and faithfulness--that if the Lord did this for me, day in and day out being aware of me and my needs and ordering hope and good timing and blessings enough (and abundantly more) to tide me over for each day, I can learn this too. The ones who finish well are not the ones who train really hard or look the best in the race or have the proper friends--rather, they showed up, day after day after day...there is something more valuable in being available and focused every day on Him than in shining out brightly. I see it in my morning workouts--I am not exceptionally good at working out, but because I wake up at 5am and put in a P90X tape and go through the motions (however pitiful it might look!) I see a change. A good thing has been wrought, simply through faithfulness (praying for more of this faithfulness as I write this book and learn languages!)
So we wake up every day with hopeful trust that our God who exceeds expectations is going to show up again and be wonderful in our lives--and He does. Our kids were available to God every day in Mexico and asked Him to show up and be wonderful--their prayers and willingness to ave faith rejuvenated me on so many levels. Taught me that this (whatever you may be living out in your life) is possible because of who Christ is--we just keep asking and not giving up! We fear the Lord, we know He'll come through...I am developing a tendency to live out contentedness and rest in the God who I know is taking care (good care, as any good Father would) of me.

This is just a little bit, a taste of the glory that was God showing up in Mexico and all around this trip. I could tell you stories and bring you hope for days--so many things that God spoke into and poured out on me during this time...snag me aside if you can (if you love me, you have my phone number!! haha, or just ask for it on facebook). I definitely lived out a fear of the Lord while in Mexico, without even really realizing what it was (isn't it funny, all the things you learn backwards? story of my life!) and this trip left me humbled, bowing with amazement before the God who does all things on our behalf, loves us deeper than words or feelings can tell and longs to bring us closer to Himself. I hope you learn to develop a fear of the Lord: bowing in humble honesty before Him as He moves in your life and going where He wills.

Don't choose Egypt (Jeremiah 42) that place that you think will bring you safety and all you need but is actually most assuredly your doom. God has saved me countless times from ending up in my Egypt--the disaster of my own making--because He knew the safer, better place for me. I used to believe that you have to figure things out as you go and the more challenge there is, the more God will meet you. Nope. God doesn't throw you into lion dens for fun to get you to trust Him--He develops that in you (through times of prayer, eh?) long before you ever get near the pit. I encourage you to be sensitive to the Lord's voice and His leading in your life--it might take you a long while to get where you're going. But He wants to be with you every step of the way, never unprepared or overwhelmed or afraid--He's just going to be too close for that. But you have to let Him, you have to cultivate that safety, that learning from and listening to the Lord--the fear of Him. Live move and breathe Him in child. We're going to see the world change--He's on our side.

New Vision

I just love this book, The Meaning of Marriage. I don't do this (too) often...but today all I want to do is absorb this bit of wisdom from Timothy Keller and his wife:

     "My wife, Kathy, often says that most people, when they are looking for a spouse, are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. Not so you can create the kind of person you want, but rather because you see what kind of person Jesus is making. When Michelangelo was asked how he carved his magnificent David, his reply is reputed to have been, 'I looked inside the marble and just took away the bits that weren't David.' When looking for a marriage partner, each must be able to look inside the other and see what God is doing and be excited about being part of the process of liberating the 'new you.'

'If we let Him...He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less.' (quoted from C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, 174-5

     "This is by no means a romanticized approach--rather it is brutally realistic. In this view of marriage, each person says to the other, 'I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, dependencies. But underneath them all I see growing the person God wants you to be.' This is radically different from the search for 'compatibility'. As we have seen, researchers have discovered that this term means we are looking for a partner who accepts us just as we are. This is the very opposite of that! The search for an ideal mate is a hopeless quest. This is also a radically different approach from the cynical or cold method of finding a spouse who can just deliver social status, financial security or great sex.
     "If you don't see your mate's deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you're not even in the game. But if you don't get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren't tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be.
     "When two Christians who fully understand this stand before the minister all decked out in thier wedding finery, they realize that they're not just playing dress-up. What they're saying is that someday they are going to be standing not before the minister but before the Lord. And they will turn to see each other without spot or blemish. And they hope to hear God say, 'Well done, good and faithful servants. Over the years you have lifted one another up to me. You sacrificed for one another. You held one another up with prayer and thanksgiving. You confronted each other. You rebuked each other. You hugged and you loved each other and continually pushed each other toward me. And now look at you. You're radiant." (133-4)

I have a new vision for all that this could be...glad to live with the God who is constantly changing my mind and my perception of the world.

Friday Nights--How Has God Been Redeeming Your Life Lately?

This life is about rejuvenation, redemption, rewriting the story that was originally played out for me--and I see it all the time...

The script before Jesus was: "Sad, self preserving little girl walks this world lonely and in need of love. Fear traps her in a dungeon of her own making and she remains unknown. Loneliness will mark her life, as well as boredom and inconsistency. Relationships will fail because she will have no idea how to connect with other people..." I could go on...but you would cry.

Haha, that was the plan--but then, BAM!!!!! JESUS!!!!

Your life can never be the same with Him.

True, your life is not totally super awesome all the time--we still have to deal with all our old lingering stuff--but the new script is: "Dearly Beloved Child of God learns to be one of His Own and bring in His kingdom. Joy is her portion, delight in Him fills her days and He is making all things new in her life. She is learning to lean into His strength and will one day teach a million children the glory of being known and loved by a Father. Those hidden in darkness will come to the light, because of the work that He does through this laid down life. The one who was most unknown has learned she is Beloved, His heart's treasure and He would do anything for her."

And I know--it sounds as if it's too good to be true--because IT IS!!!! But God doesn't care (He's no respecter of person's) and He'll bless anybody He wants to bless and love anyone He wants to love (that's YOU--He created you, sent His Son to take the punishment you would have suffered--He cares for YOU far beyond my ability to tell). The crazy thing is that despite the mess you see in this world, when you partner with Jesus, your life goes WAY beyond all that in an explosion of goodness, because (if you allow and ask Him), in this one laid down life, His kingdom can come and that roaring like a lion...well, suffice it to say that I know I haven't seen anything yet! God is going to break through in my life like never before--because I ask, He's good and wants to bring glory to Himself so others can know and be drawn to Him and April--this month, right here--is the month of FREEDOM!!!

I find this rejuvenation even in the littlest things: take my Friday nights.

There was a time in my life when Friday nights were the worst parts of my week. I would sit at home, alone and just wish I had something to do. Some people had boyfriends, others had best friends and I was mainly just lonely. I literally would have done almost anything to have something to do on a Friday night--each Friday just felt like one more slap in the face accompanied by the lie, "You're such a loser. No one wants to hang out with you." It was really a hard thing to face--that long, blank, empty night.

These days--I have too much to do on a Friday night! I haven't had a free Friday in a couple months--practically since I moved home. The one night I used to dread--the one that marked out for me very firmly that my life was going nowhere, especially relationship-wise--has now become my favorite night of the week. I don't even have time to wonder what I'm going to do--usually it's planned out a few weeks in advance. I'm just grateful--even in the silliest, smallest detail, my God knows exactly where and why my heart can hurt (being lonely on Friday nights) and can redeem it completely (my life is full--even in this strange season of transition).

This is my encouragement--wherever you are, whatever you're going through (and it can be tough, my life was been no picnic lately) take a moment and think back to a spot/moment/family gathering that used to be hard and realize how God has redeemed it. Think back on what it used to be like, what's it's like now and how the change occurred. (Journal it all out--that's the best way for me to see just how faithful He was, even in the things that don't really matter--but He knows they matter to me and so He's good to me, even there.) Then take some moments to really thank Him for how He is working in your life. It's important and will remind you of His goodness. If it's hard to see anything good, call up a friend and ask, "Where do you see God working in my life? Where has good change come?" Often our friends can see things we'd never expect or notice on our own. If it is really hard to see God working, invite Him in, even into the smallest things (just CRY OUT!!) and see if He won't move. He loves to be faithful to us, loves to see us move forward even in the smallest things (Friday nights :) ) and He's always at work--even, and especially when, we can't see it.

"Have you ever traveled to a mountainous part of the world when it was cloudy and rainy? You look out your windows and you can see almost nothing but the ground. Then the rain stops and the clouds part and you catch your breath because there, towering right over you, is this magnificent peak. But a couple of hours later the clouds roll in and it has vanished, and you don't see it again for a good while. That is what it is like to get to know a Christian. You have an old self and a new self (Ephesians 4:24). The old self is crippled with anxieties, the need to prove yourself, bad habits you can't break, and many besetting sins and character flaws. The new self is still you, but you liberated from all your sins and flaws. This new self is always a work in progress, and sometimes the clouds of the old self make it almost completely invisible. But sometimes the clouds really part, and you see the wisdom, courage, and love of which you are capable. It is a glimpse of where you are going."
from Timothy Keller's book. "The Meaning of Marriage" (131-132)