Whenever you’re starting out somewhere new, a piece of
you—the one that’s still trying to prove itself and doesn’t quite understand
grace—will be trying to show, desperately, just how good you are and how fit
for the job. For all of us struggling procrastinators and oldest children with
perfectionist tendencies, this can be the (figuratively) the death of us! We
struggle so hard to be liked and to please and have such a hard time accepting
the compliments and well wishes that come our way that we can swamp out all the
good with our self doubt.
I write from where I am: a new place where my old ‘striving’
and ‘trying to prove myself’ tendencies have kept me on my toes in my mind for
far too long. Despite multiple assurances of my place here and how valued I am,
I can’t get through my head that I’m doing well. I must strive, I must forge
ahead, I must do things in a new way and see results and…this is exhausting and
has no fruit.
As I recall, there’s a Hebrew word for this…the word
literally means to walk about in a circle. When we are stuck trying to prove
ourselves, we get nowhere. And as we get nowhere, because we have refused to
simply be His children and move as He calls, we get really frustrated. So we try
even harder…and the circle in the dirt gets deeper but…it’s still a circle in
the dirt.
In this last season, I’ve found that the real battle is with
the lie the enemy has tried to put on me: insignificant. It has coloured all my
perceptions and my thoughts; it has created barriers between me and those I
could love in this new environment because I am constantly on the look out for
their assessment of my performance.
Dwelling under insignificance, like fear (which I have
battled through working under), makes for terrible working conditions to say
the least. It will keep you from your full potential, if left unchecked. It
becomes the net by which you are ensnared and there, caught in your own
imperfect assessments as well as the cruelly (by you) interpreted assessments
of those around you…you find…a cage…a prison…the white walls…are you understanding
me?
You are trapped in bondage, that which you were never meant
to endure has become your prison sentence.
Every word, thought, deed is filtered through this mask that
keeps you from seeing life as it truly is. And you can’t escape it: your mind
goes with you wherever you go, overanalyzing, trying to justify and reading
into everything…it really becomes a bore.
The first step in reclaiming your life from insignificance
is acknowledging it. As ‘we’ (all those books and workshops whose focus is to
bring inner healing) have learned through the years, the first step toward
solving a problem is noticing the problem is there. Well done you.
Second, confession. This is basic…but it works. There’s no
formula: it’s just simply letting God and any person who you feel needs to know
that your life is feeling pretty ratty. Acknowledging that, as well as what a
lie it is, can be really freeing.
Confession also frees you in that there is power in speaking
out the things you struggle with, particularly to God. Once you acknowledge
your sin (in this case a false mindset) it says He is faithful and just to
forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. So it’s pretty simple:
you, bring Him your mess. He takes care of it. I like this…
Third: be yourself, even if sometimes in your own estimation
you seem like too much or have too much to say or do things you think other
people will think are weird. God created you as you: He must have had a reason.
I think you are a pretty big deal in His world: and you are in ours too. Please
offer yourself with all your tweaks and quirks, I promise you, you will find
people who love your authentic self. (Trust me, I’ve done it!) Authenticity
coupled with vulnerability will create strong beautiful relationships in your
life—and those are worth having. Relationships, after all, will carry over into
the next life, though they will be changed. Build them, don’t let anything, especially
insignificance, bar you from them.
Now when I say, “be as you are”; I hope you realize I’m not
giving a licence for sin. If you have things you need to be working
through…work through them with the Lord before the people He has put as
accountability partners in your life. Don’t be a mess just to be a mess: you
were made to be a blessing. But DO let God heal the parts of who you are that
may have been repressed or rejected. If someone told you you have big teeth and
it’s made you afraid to smile anymore…please bring that to God and ask Him to
show you how beautiful you are. If you can’t wear swimsuits anymore because
someone made a comment that your butt is too big, forget them! Ask God to show
you who you are. It may take a while to sift through it all (sometimes we have
a lifetime behind us full of junk) but God is willing and faithful and will
bring things up as you can deal with them. He’s good like that. Always be
replacing lies people have put onto you with the truth as God shows it to you.
Remember, He don’t make junk.
I think that’s it: be authentic, be real, be loved…keep
working past ANY lies that keep you in the dark. The Father of lights does give
good gifts—I pray you’ll be on the lookout for them and receive them from Him.
He is so good…and He does such good work in you, as you allow Him.
Walking with the Lord…
