Will You Let Him Create You Into Something Precious?

I don't know how we manage to survive life.

There are so many dangers and pitfalls...so many things we aren't even aware of that are constantly pitting themselves against you (for Christians its spiritual warfare, all the lies we must toss aside to keep fighting) or not (think non-Christians who are going the way of the world--ultimately destruction--and Satan blithely lets them keep to their course).

It's been crazy the last few months...I'm literally exhausted from the assault...and yet He was there through it all. But He couldn't take it away--that was not part of the plan. That wouldn't cause any growth.

I had to live through it.

The Lord has been teaching and speaking to me lately about the truly precious things of this world--diamonds, gold, pearls--and how these beautiful precious pieces do not come about by any accident. Rather it takes focused time (pearls), heat (gold) and energy (diamonds) to create these precious pieces--and why would He not take the same time and care with me? He knows exactly how much heat I can handle (gold), the pressure I can withstand (diamonds) and just how much waiting I can endure (pearls) and if I'll stay with Him, I'll see the results: the gold, diamonds and pearls coming alive in my life. But if I chose to shrink back and not allow Him to do the work...I remain unrefined and will turn out to be just plain old dirt...it's the process that creates the jewels. Am I willing to let Him see me through these trying times?

What would your answer be?

So Lord, even here, where I am most broken and doubting I will let you speak peace and comfort over me. I will choose to believe that You are good and You are doing good things even in my life, even when I can't see it. I know my breakthrough is around the corner and my victory is on its way--for You are the One orchestrating the paths and plans of my life. I know because I ultimately gave my life over to You and every day I choose to be a living sacrifice--for good or ill, in richness and poverty, until You come again. You know how the battle rages and You know how You're making me strong enough to endure. The precious, priceless things you are creating in me are worth all the heartache, strain and waiting. I don't know the end of my story--or how You will see us through, but I trust You. I know You are at work and I will never stop asking You to intervene. You gave it all up for us on the Cross so we could have all we need as well as abundant life and I am claiming that promise true over my life and the lives of my family, no matter where they are with You. You are more than this situation, You are more than the tears I cry and the prayers I pray and I am so thankful. Thank you for creating in me an "oak heart" (as my good friend Natalie prophesied). Now fill it with Yourself.

Ever Yours,
Your Kid and little piece of glory (as Robin has sometimes been translated), Robin

Getting through the Heartbreak! :)

You know, the one thing that breaks my heart (literally) is the way that we men and women can play games with each other.

I see it do so much damage, the little bits of flirting coupled with the indecisiveness on the part of some of the parties involved...like one of my favorite pastors says (Nathan Edwardson) it leaves us women "wondering and wandering".

I was involved in a situation like this several years ago. Of course, being me and the scared rabbit that i sometimes revert to, I was very hard to read. (I don't make it easy for a guy to pursue me :)) And yeah, maybe it was all in my head. But is it normal for a guy to tell you about how he asked a girl to the dance and then asks you to show up as well?

Wondering and wandering...

Yeah, I didn't go to that dance. Instead I hung out in my dorm lobby with a few other girls and scrapbooked my heart out. The result is hanging on my wall, a sort of forgiveness to myself for letting my heart goes so far out there for this guy only to find him (perhaps not intentionally) rejecting me. There was so much hurt in me after this incident--I remember heading out to the back 40 (a little bit of woods behind my college) and probably straining my guitar (as well as the ears of any who heard me) as I cried out my heart in song.

Heartbreak comes so easy to us girls...

So much has been written about sexual purity that it can get a bit overdone. How many times do we have to hear...? and it still hasn't penetrated on some level--girls make crazy choices still...

I want to address the heart.

That's what I lost in my "battle" for purity...that's what I was never warned about, not directly. I read Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity book over and over until it was worn out, then gave it away and a friend (Justina!) gave it to me for Christmas. I practically had that book, which details her relationship with Jim Elliot, memorized (and read as many other purity books as possible) but it was no help when I faced the relational stickiness of my life.

 Maybe we all need to get hurt to learn. Maybe joy only comes and can truly be felt on the wings of sorrow (because God truly does work all things for our good--take heart!). but if I can shed some light on this subject and bring hope to another soul, I'm more than happy to share my pain and how God has brought me through.

See, we women are just made differently than men and we need to realize that and move from that. We are created with very tender hearts--and relationships just look different for us and to us. Smart guys know this--they get the girl by talking her up, activating her heart. We lose our hearts before we lose our bodies--this is the truth. And it doesn't take much--a little bit of hanging out, hearing this guy's story even minutely--if that guy is in anyway attractive to you, you'll be hooked.

And I know, it is a little different for everybody. This girl likes a guy who owns a truck goes hunting and works on the farm. This girl wants a guy who has a college degree and a kind heart. This girl wants the guy who feeds homeless people and will travel the world. The right guy at the right time...that's who you fall for.

But what do you do when your dream guy shows up, becomes friends with you and then moves on?

I've felt that pain...it was like someone had taken a firecracker and set it off in my heart, oblivious to the damage it would cause. I walked around with a brokenness in me that I didn't know could exist. Oh, and that wrenching? it would only get worse if I saw him. I never understood what they meant when they said you could die from a broken heart--until I saw him unexpectedly in the library one day (we hadn't been talking for months) and my heart about tried to twist out of my chest. Excruciating.

But there is hope, redemption and healing...I left that scene, went and stood in the hallway and all of a sudden a balm (call it the balm of Gilead) came flowing over my heart. I literally felt a warmth flowing over my heart, bringing healing to broken places. I knew my Lord had seen me, seen the part I played in this affair and loved me still--would even comfort me and allow me to be wrapped up in His arms.

That's how I made it through the next couple years as I worked on my teaching credential and he worked on his relationship with the other girl. It was lonely--the loneliest times of my minute existence--but I was never alone. The tears were caught, the questions settled by peace and strength that I never knew I could have came. I was even grateful--not for the pain, but that God had His timing--and I knew that dating at that time of my life would have been ridiculous--there was just too much else going on.

The time will come...and a worthy man will come along, one who will treasure your heart, that precious peace of you that you must not give away freely. That is worth fighting for--and worth healing for.

And when rejection comes--and your heart gets crippled--stretch out your hands to Daddy. He loves you dearly and He will see you through the process--for however long it takes. For so many years, I felt such shame...but God saw me even through that. Loved me there. He'll do the same for you. His love is that great. It is enough...

How To Be Lovely

this was my soundtrack while I wrote this blog:

I think we've focused so much on being beautiful that we've forgotten how to be lovely.

I only noticed this because of the way that men have reacted to me lately.

It seems I have cultivated that "gentle and quiet spirit" that is of such worth to God and apparently--it's attractive.

People like to have a place where they can feel comfortable and secure--isn't that what most mothers offered?

We want to be safe and loved and cared for well--and truly, the only people who we can be safe and loved and well cared for by are those who have found themselves in turn safe and loved and well cared for. You cannot give away what you have never taken the time to receive.

I have received in abundance in the last few months--something beautiful. I didn't mean to end up in this place I am in--both spiritually and physically--but I have chosen into it. I have not turned my back or walked away or tried to distract myself from my reality. I chose, as I have chosen with every painful season that the Lord has had me in lately, to walk with Him through it. To see what He was saying and chose to take His kisses of love as they come.

Every once in a while it bogs me down (thinking back to just half an hour ago) but then I remember the goodness of my God and the way He has kept being faithful--the way He has taken such good care of me. It's astonishing, His faithfulness, and I will not fear anymore--even when I end up unemployed in Coarsegold--because God can take my deepest fears and turn them back around into something beautiful for His glory--and I'll never stop looking for that--and He knows it. He keeps asking me to trust Him and I just keep saying yes--because He loves me and I know it and that's all a human really needs.

That's what makes you lovely. That's how you can be lovely to the world--by knowing how well you are loved today.

Take that situation--wherever you find yourself today, whatever situation it is or relationship that you wish you could get out of or just the feeling in your head that you can't  shake--and offer it to the Lord. Be honest with how you feel about it--cry a little (cry a LOT!) and then look Him in the face and recognize that this love is for you. We can all choose into being His children, being His beloved ones, being lovely. All it takes is a prayer, a turning to Him with all you are.

And doesn't our world need to be more lovely?

"I Can't Sleep with Her! We Have History Together!"

I'm trying to see my life through new eyes...

I think--no, I know I grew up afraid. Afraid to get in other people's way, afriad to be a bother--how else do you explain a six-year-old choosing to walk home from school (more than a few miles across busy roads) because she thought the office ladies were "too busy"?

I think a lot of us grew up afraid. Courage is in short supply, especially in America. I mean, most of us walk around with our head down, afraid to meet the eyes of the people around us. Who taught us that? Why is that okay?

I just want something different.

This one is hard to write, because its too personal, it cuts too close to home, it reveals too much of my heart. But I'm learning, as I go through this life, that often the hardest subjects to bring up are the ones that need the most talking about--they need to come out into the open. So I admit it--I'm not good at loving. I grew up in a fear-based, controlling environment (a lot of things helped me realize this, such as reading Danny Silk's book, Keep Your Love On and the fight I've had against fear my whole life--which Jesus is helping me win!) and I'm almost as bad at loving as the main character in the movie, "Just Friends".

But I realized something--you can change. The guy from that movie did (I really wouldn't recommend the video except for the fact that he got it right at the end) and he's not real...why wouldn't I be able to? One of my best moments from that movie wasn't the end, but actually when they finally really connected, then she proposed "staying the night" like old times (they were best friends in high school and slept over but nothing happened then), then they shared a bed--and he couldn't/wouldn't make a move!

You know why? The next morning, when he's talking with a guy friend he says, "I can't sleep with Jamie! We  have history together!"

Ahhh! Is anybody seeing how wonderfully this silly character tacked onto a point--you can't just sleep with someone who you actually care about. He really loved her and he couldn't use her.

I got stuck in Ephesians today and especially Ephesians 5 (seems to be a theme in my life--weirdly! I'm not married!). The chapter starts out talking about how as people given new life in Christ with a new perspective and identity (this is what the preceding chapters talk about) we should walk in love. We do not partner with those who do deeds of darkness (love alliteration!) but rather expose them and be filled with God's Spirit. Then this chapter on love ends by talking about ultimate expression of love: the love between a husband and wife.

See, this is why we crave "love" so and search for it so hard and fast--something in us knows that this is the one thing we need more than any other. It is the most powerful of relationships bar none. It literally keeps people together for years and when you see it in action it can take your breath away. We know this--but we don't know how to get this.

Because we have taken the cross out of love.

Instead of seeing what it can do for the other person, we have made it for ourselves. We have chosen to put our trust in our ability to produce in someone and pull from them the love we need...and then we see it fail, time and time again.

Because that's not the way it works. And that was never the example set for us. Check it out:

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.²⁸ In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

If any of you feel like you missed the mark, you're not alone. If any of you feel like the call is too large or you've missed the mark--there's grace! Jesus not only forgives, He also empowers those who belong to Him. Life will come as you follow His example: submitting, sacrificing, loving and respecting. This is not a winner-takes-all deal--He never wanted it to be that way. It's a Jesus-reigns-supreme kind of game--that's the choice you can make in your marriage. And don't yell at me when you both become more alive and hopeful as you learn to live this way!

I want to love my husband well, as much as I am enabled to, from the day I meet him until the day I die. I don't know what that looks like. It scares me. Even today I was telling God, "I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm awful at reciprocating love, letting people too close, etc. " But I believe He knows me and He knows him and He'll teach us as we go. He better send me someone I can respect! (haha) and I will learn to submit--and the goal of our marriage will be to put Christ on display. May He (Christ) love you too as you go forth on this journey--preparing for your marriage doesn't start after you get engaged and certainly doesn't start when you start dating--the time is NOW! May Jesus be your all in all and may He get the glory in how you choose to do relationship--with your significant other and otherwise!

Is Victory Yours Today...?

Just wanted to put something out here...

Have you ever had a dream/vision that God kept speaking to and pouring Himself into and reminding you of, to the point where you were always writing about it and praying about it and discussing it with Him and others? (Of course! haha) Then one little twitchy lie comes along and because you're a "righteous" person and you only want what's "best" for God and the world you agree with the lie?

Yiyksies!!! This was me today!

I know God has me headed in a certain direction and has been earnestly preparing me for something and it's close. Just over the horizon (days? months? years? His timing! said with a joyful shout!) I will see the fulfillment of all the joyous work of praying, seeking and hoping that has been my heart for a few years now. It will be a time of healing, hope and a declaration of a good God who remains faithful and sees us through some of our toughest times.

This is not without The Fight. Those things which God breathes most on will also be most hunted down by the enemy of our souls. Take heart! He has no victory as long as we are looking to Jesus and held by His love--but always be on the lookout.

This is a call to be aware of your heart, open to the voice of your God and sensitive to the messages broadcasting through your mind. There is a war going on for your very soul and it wages at all times. We can rest in our Father's loving arms, but we need to be aware of the battle and stand firm when temptations come. Whether the temptation is to make a false move which could cost you your very life (emotionally, physically or spiritually), the temptation to believe the lie that may be spoken to you over and over from various vicinities or the the temptation to just check out from the game, don't give in! Head up, heart strong, planted firmly in His Word, march on!

The best way I know of to keep my heart safe and be aware of the forces at work in my life is threefold:

1) Journaling: when I start to write my thoughts out, I can discern them more clearly, identifying lies I have believed and looking to Him for truth. Father often speaks through me as I write and as I read back over entries, His truth becomes clear. For the lie that was spoken today--I did give in, but then rescinded when I read the words of my journal and remembered so clearly that what I was putting my effort, joy and hope into was something He had promised me--it had been going on for so long and so consistently that this other small lie had no place in the face of His faithfulness. I could recognize the work of the enemy by seeing clearly the faithfulness, joy and prosperity God had put on this dream that I must keep chasing afetr!

2) His Word: God often speaks loudest and clearest as we stare into the pages of His Word. He wants to give us wisdom and courage in our great battles (and the battle you wage today may look like nothing from the outside, but He knows what they cost you and the importance of the victory for you and He is always willing and able to help us fight!), His Word is the way He musters up courage and wages war. In a lot of cases, consistently putting God's Word in your heart, soul and mind will keep the lies of the enemy out: we will be so saturated in the Word that when a lie tries to reach inside us, we recognize it immeadiately and banish the thought. This is a call to arms--I too need to more consistently dive in His Word to be armed for battle.

3) Solid Friendships/Community--there is no greater treasure (beyond salvation) than the gift of fellowship, in other words having other believers who know you and can diligently and on a regualr basis speak into your life. I was fortunate in my college years to live in a drom and become close friends with several other young women who were drawing close to the Lord as I was. We were consistently in one anothers lives and often helped see each other through some tough battles (ex. best roommate in the world Justina praying my stage fright right out of me). Then I moved off campus and spent a few years living with other godly roommates, some of whom saw me through the nightmare that student teaching can be (thanks to them no junior highers were harmed in the making of this teacher). Over and over again my sisters (and a few brothers) have been essential in seeing me through my trials and helping me see what I have gained as I summit the mountaintops of life. Find significant, godly friends who will be a light to you and speak truth in their conversations with you.

Yup, those are my thoughts! Keep waging war and may Your eyes be ever focused on Your King--He is Waging War for you and your eyes will see the Victory!

ME: in a nutshell

I first heard this song (couldn't quite make out the lyrics) at the youth group I help out with. It just caught me...Then I actually listened to the lyrics (now) and I'm just surprised at how Red put my journey together so perfectly in this song...it's sometimes bizarre how similar the human experience is. I love that the music is so epic too--such a Robin song! I may appear quiet, but there's always so much going on beneath the surface--it's positively ridiculous! Hence writing all the time: it has to come out somewhere!

This Is What My Life Sounds Like Lately

Yeah, I'm Just Going to Write a Book :)

I'm in the middle of what tons of people have done--haha! Just as hundreds of people have written a blog (teehee, I knew that from the beginning!) so tons of people, all down the ages have written books--which, by the way, I'm gonna do. :)

The reasons in case you ever asked (and given sometimes when you don't want to know):

Because sometimes you can't help but write (as this silly blog has testified over and over--I can't keep away).

Because I feel joy in me again when I write--and I want to bring that joy to the world and I need joy.

Because sometimes you just have to write--its a fire burning in you (this is prophecy being fulfilled by the way!)

Because I have a voice and it is worth hearing and more than that if God has one person who can be filled with a little hope (in a world so bent on darkness and destruction) I will write to them. They are worth giving hope to and I don't care what it may cost me, I will do as He asks of me for His people.

Hope is worth giving.

I don't have all the answers and I don't know the future--so I will just keep working, moving forward and seeking out my God--may He move through me, because if He doesn't, I don't see it as a task worth completing...but if He fills it, oh the joy!

Because no one needs to hear from me--but everyone needs to hear from Him!

It won't be easy--but I'm His! Please pray for me and this undertaking when you think of me :)

Frederick Buechner Got it Right...Again

God has me on a journey, amen? He has you on one too, whether you're aware of it or not :)

Lately I've been learning my absolute dependence on the Lord, that my status with Him never changes no matter what I am or am not doing (thinking especially of recent unemployment and ensuing struggle) and that He is enough. Everything left, you know? I had been depending on and looking to a lot of things--money, having a job, being independent, going to the mission field--and God has done some purifying...at times it has been difficult, but I have chosen not to shrink back. When all the doors close, it makes you start looking for new direction--and sometimes all He wants is just to spend some quality time with Him, looking into His face and asking questions and getting familiar with Him and His voice. I've been praying a lot and just being with Him in this season--and I've come to a place where its all I want to do. I would take a job that He set in front of me, if it was given with His blessing and guiding, but that's no longer my focus. I just want to see His face and have the glory of His Presence shine down around me--you know?

I feel that these few paragraphs from Frederick Buechner sum up all I've been learning from the Lord recently--well, actually throughout my whole life and especially in the last few months the lesson has really come home to my heart and made its home there. May these words bless you as they've blessed me and helped me see the reality of this God who loves me despite all my faults, the ways I'll fail Him and my crazy heart in need of renewal--He's good!

A little bit of context: in this section of the book Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy and Fairy Tale Buechner approaches the parable of the prodigal son (and the other true stories of the Bible) as the joke of God which only a few get:

     "Is it possible, I wonder, to say that it is only when you hear the Gospel as a wild and marvelous joke that you really hear it at all? Heard as anything else, the Gospel is the church's thing, the preacher's thing, the lecturer's thing. Heard as a joke--high and unbidden and ringing with laughter--it can only be God's thing.
     "And if it is a joke about the preposterousness of God, it is also a joke about the preposterousness of man as the sequel to the parable exemplifies. The word sin is somehow too grand a word to apply to the reaction of the prodigal's elder brother when the sound of the hoedown reaches him out in the pasture among the cow flops, and yet in another way it is just the right word because nowhere is the deadliness of all seven of the deadly sins deadlier or more ludicrous than it is in him. Envy and pride and anger and covetousness, they are all there. Even sloth is there as he sits on his patrimony and lets it gain interest for him without lifting a hand, even lust as he slavers over the harlots whom he he points out the prodigal has squandered his cash on. The elder brother is Pecksniff. He is Tartuffe. He is what Mark Twain called a good man in the worst sense of the word. He is a caricature of all that is joyless and petty and self-serving about all of us. The joke of it is that of course his father loves him even so, and has always loved him and will always love him, only the elder brother never noticed it because it was never love he was bucking for but only his due. The fatted calf, the best Scotch, the hoedown could all have been his, too, any time he asked for them except that he never thought to ask for them because he was too busy trying cheerlessly and religiously to earn them. 'The blind receive their sight, the lame walk, the deaf hear, the dead are raised up' even as the prodigal himself was raised up, Jesus says, 'and blessed is he who takes no offense at me' (Matt. 11:5-6). Blessed is he who is not offended that no man receives what he deserves but vastly more. Blessed is he who gets that joke, who sees that miracle."(pgs. 68-69)

Are you getting it in your own life? Take joy! Your Father has given you the Kingdom!

I relate to this passage so well because as a Christian at first I was totally of this mindset: trying to earn my way into the kingdom, too afraid to try for love because I didn't even realize it was what I was missing. I've been on a big journey--still am--to learn to love those around me and see them the way they are--worthy and beloved of God, destined to know Him well if they so chose. I grew up in the church and I was very good at following the moral rules and doing what was right in man's eyes--my salvation was something I was earning (how preposterous!!! seen from my new vantage point). Then I grew up and learned how little and completely unable I was (enter Haiti) but God still loved me in the midst of that breaking down and showed me how He is able--He is at work and faithful in this wacky world from which we live. I was never the same after that season! but I still had to unlearn (and am unlearning and will always unlearn) my elder brother mindset--thank God for His grace. He took my fears and taught me to search out His love--O! the Glory!

I'm so grateful for where He has me and how He chooses to be good to me--it's beyond what I could have hoped, asked or imagined--but that's just how good He is. Find out the ways He's working in your life and thank Him today. He is good to us.

Just Jesus--That's All

Into thin air...

That's sometimes what it feels like when I write on this blog--haha! The words go out and who knows who reads them? But that is not for me to question or wonder about--I'm beginning to see the bigger picture.

Into Thin Air is also the title of an epic book (which I have never read) about an expedition to climb Mount Everest--and that resonates with my spirit because so often lately I feel as though I have begun a journey up into the high country--where Jesus alone can meet me, for no one else knows the way--and it has been excruciating at times. I've been reading a book called Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy and Fairy Tale and Frederick Buechner keeps coming back to this theme of silence--that what is in the silence is what is truly true of us, and that we don't handle silence very well--its too vulnerable. The Gospel is found in the silence, because silence strips us down and makes us see that we are truly dirty wretches who need deliverance. He says at one point, as he speaks about how clothes also are a way we protect ourselves and show our false facade to the world just so we can get by, "I speak of clothes not just as hypocrisy and disguise, though sometimes that for all of us, God knows, but of clothes as essential to survival because we cannot endure too much nakedness any more than we can endure too much silence, which strips us naked" (pg. 32).

That phrase struck me and won't let me go, because that has been my experience the past several months--silence. Silence where you have to look deep in your soul and confront all your thoughts and find out just who you are and what you believe. No wonder I fought so hard to stay away from it, filling my time with noise (youtube, facebook, movies, etc.)--I just wasn't sure I could survive it. Could I endure the voice that wonders continually, "Am I doing well enough? Is He pleased with me?" when I was doing nothing (work wise)? Could I endure my doubts and false hopes and expectations that I place on myself that I can't help but flub? Could I endure all my feelings of unrighteouness, and all the ways I cry out for God to be enough, but am never sure He is, because I am not?

It was (and is) a lot. I have to live with my human self--and sometimes that is cross enough to bear (again, this is an idea from Buechner's book and I think he makes a good point--we have to endure and face just being us before we can pick up any other responsibilities, ministries, etc.) But you know what this journey into thin air (and unemployment :) has taught me?

It's taught me that Jesus is enough--not Jesus plus my works, not Jesus plus how much I am reading my Bible, not Jesus plus the ministry I get to serve Him in--JUST JESUS! When I cry out, He answers, not because I was especially close to Him as I read my Bible and set aside an hour to sit at His feet (though the blessedness of that is worth the time--ALWAYS!); but because I am HIS KID! He is listening for my cry and ready to move as I ask--He's just waiting and aware and able to move. When I reach the end of myself and find that there is nothing in me to be proud of, He still owns me and lets me know with butterflies and rainbows in waterfalls and a million other tiny, seemingly silly acts and signs that He is close and He loves me where I am...I mean, talk about freedom! It's like walking in a fog my whole life and finally seeing sunlight. I am at my lowest--and He loves and enjoys me still. Imagine the glories of heaven--and He wants me to be with Him there, even now, when I have nothing to offer--HE JUST WANTS ME!

I pray that all of you may know the blessedness of possessing nothing and having no works to offer to the Father--and find Him faithful and near still. He has lifted my head so many times these past few (long!) weeks and brought along just the right word, touch or hope to make the silence bearable. I pray you have the time to come face to face with who you are--free of accomplishments, reputation, what you've done or will do--and know your worth IN HIS EYES there. There is no greater freedom than to stand before the God of the universe naked and bare, with nothing to offer and hear Him call out, "My Son! My Daughter! How I have been longing to see you! Come close!" The joy of that cry is beyond telling--I am privileged far beyond what can be seen with human eyes.

I love You, Papa. Thank You for loving me.

Winning the Fight, Jesus by Your Side

Have you ever been in battle?

Swords raised, banners flashing, an enemy to defeat...the wind behind your back, comrades on your side and a goal that you are all striving towards: rout the enemy and reclaim your lands.

Some might call this season of my life the "sit-around-and-do-nothing" phase. Those who see things only from a human perspective are hoping I get a job, move on with my life, find my way--and I have been tempted to call this season by the same name and doubt myself and often my Lord.

But now I see clearer.

I won't give in and lose my heart--my family is on the brink of finally moving past broken and I won't give up this fight until we can be family again--loving, supportive, loyal toward one another.

Because this is just the beginning of one battle.

Because all our lives each of us is going to go through some heavy stuff--and we need each other.

Because Christ has called us to spread His message and when it is first fully lived out in the home, it's powerful.

Because we have an enemy and he would destroy us--but ha! God has given us each other!

Depression has lately been the invisible weapon the enemy has chosen to try and pull me down. But I turn to the story of Jesus and say that if He could endure the cross, i can endure a few days of hopelessness--after all, that Cross caused the greatest victory of all time...and I know not what waits around the corner for my family! I will not lose hope and I will not lose heart--I am in this battle to see victory come!

Fight on all brave soldiers of the Lord! May your victory come swiftly and your communion with the Lord be sweet. He will never leave you in battle (or in the victory), cry out to Him as ever you have need!

We have overcome.

To Be Known...

I've had a weird day...

We just use each other--I keep seeing it. And it eats me alive.

I didn't do too much today except take in a few youtube vidoes (have you heard of "The 21 Convention"?) and watch some "So You Think You Can Dance?" (the one where 12 contestants are left) and a "Melissa and Joey" episode (What Happens in New Jersey, part 2)...pretty basic stuff, right?

Wrong.

I'm sitting here just sick to my stomach. It's awful, I feel awful. At first I didn't get it--why am I so depressed? Why do I feel so down and just plain icky? Believe me, I know I shouldn't watch TV--I never feel good afterward. But this particular mix was paticularly potent--and let me tell you why. I'm praying it ignites a hunger in you for more in your relationships--especially between men and women. In a world where sex is cheap and people are for using, I hope...we can be a catalyst for change.

I hope...we create authentic relationships.
I hope...we see people as more than hook up partners.
I hope...we learn to unveil our hearts and protect each other.
I hope...we learn the value of a human being, that they are not cheap and they are worth more than satisfying another person's lust. They are worth cherishing, honoring, protecting and figthing for.
I hope...women learn to display their beauty AND their hearts. I hope they learn that they are more than a pretty face.
I hope...men learn that we are looking for more than their muscles, we are looking for their protection. We're both fragile and we both need each other in significant ways and a life long partnership where each is known by and lifts the other up is worth spending a whole lot of time waiting for and is so crazy beneficial to your development as a whole being.

What I saw today--it's not worth mentioning except to express the ache of my heart. Men advising other men to never pursue a girl because it's weird. In a talk entitled "10 Mistakes Men Make in their Twenties", the speaker explicitly told these men that even though they may  want to hook up with a girl, they should not even send out a text to her. Let her pursue you, then you know she's interested. Wah-hooo! What?! I couldn't even get to the second mistake men make--I was so shocked and reeling from the implications  (I stumbled on this as I was looking through youtube clips on mistakes people make in their twenties). These men gather together to learn to exploit women to get what they want from them. It goes against everything that I know and live for...

I'm trying to process this and I essentially can't--I just pray. I just didn't know...

Ephesians 5 discusses how we are to walk as those who follow Christ and talks about how we shouldn't take part in these unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them (verse 11). It's crazy how clearly these verses describe our present dating world--and what we, as Christians, those who walk in the light, are called to. I encourage you to mull over these words:

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. ² And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

³ But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. ⁴ Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. ⁵ For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. ⁶ Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. ⁷ Therefore do not become partners with them; ⁸ for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light ⁹ (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), ¹⁰ and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. ¹¹ Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. ¹² For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. ¹³ But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, ¹⁴ for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,

“Awake, O sleeper,
    and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

¹⁵ Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. ¹⁸ And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, ²⁰ giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Such a different way we are called to! And I am so grateful! We don't have to live as women wondering if we will still be seen as beautiful to our husbands when we are older (this was the ache of the song which the six girls of "So You Think You Can Dance" danced to together). We don't use each other and abuse each other, picking each other as sexual partners based on looks--it's a meeting of hearts, that's there for our forever! And I know that living in this way is not easy (what is in this life?) but I am willing to fight! I just pray that we will begin to live so radically different as Christians before our world. We will walk away from bars and clubs where men and women exploit each other...we will refuse to watch TV and movies which teach us (never believe that what you watch doesn't affect you!) that to sleep with someone is no big deal and will cause no guilt or shame on the part of any party (that was Melissa and Joey today...). We as humans are much too complex for that to be true; especially as it comes to sex, which is a joining of two people into one. I mean, you can shut down your emotions, your compassion, your ability to care deeply for another (which you would have to do if you were going to sleep with person after person), but who wants a relationship like that? 

Let us live asking the Lord to fill us, to make us more whole and complete in Him so that we will have eyes to recognize the good man or good woman He has for us to be joined to. I encourage you, if you're married--take advantage of it! Lift one another up, find ten things today that you love or respect about one another and share it with one aonther. Let that conversation and relationship go deep...it's a wonder what happens when you begin to see that person again as if for the first time. Ask God to bless your marriage and make it fruitful--not just with kids, but emotionally, relationally--ask Him to teach you how to know and be known by that person and create an even more beautiful partnership together. He wants to do it--just ask!!! If your single, sing psalms and hymns (or modern worship songs, or your own songs) from the heart to the people in your life--they're a blessing to you and you can learn from them. Learn to get close to people, learn to be known. Then God can expose your darkness and redeem you into light again--and your life will get fuller and brighter in Him. He'll bring you what you need, when you need it (this includes a spouse) so delight in Him--DO IT NOW!--and trust His timing. He knows what is good for you--be known by Him.

The Ordinary Life

A lot of people are where i am...here in the waiting (hey, that would be a good blog title!)

Waiting...in the middle of an ordinary life...makes a lot of people wonder. I've been waiting for a long time...probably since I started this blog. My life hasn't stopped and there's no pause button--it's just an attitude that i seem to have adopted--and I no longer see it as an unhealthy one. Are we not all waiting? Is not the return of our King emminent (or is it imminent)? *if you care, correct me--I need to learn the difference :)

He is coming...

And we are here in the waiting until that day.

For so long, i have rued this waiting spirit. I have wondered why I couldn't not move on, why i felt this...oh, how to describe? Now I see clearly.

It is not the waiting that should be despised--it should be a present attitude for all those who are now waiting in the not yet--we have our ears tuned to the sky, waiting for the cry of our King, the moment when we go to meet Him in the air--and really all will be well in that moment, and all manner of things will be well. I am waiting for that moment, really longing for it. I am not ashamed of that.

But what we do in the waiting MATTERS. This person who we choose to be every day, the places we choose to invest ourselves--this is the person we will be for the rest of eternity. I want to use my talents well. (Remember that parable.)

I have many things I am waiting on--and from my human, earthly perspective, not a one of them is close to being fulfilled. But does that mean I lose hope? Does that mean I stop dreaming? Does that mean i stop asking the Lord for His input and His guidance?

Oh, you press in so much deeper during the waiting...

And this serves a good purpose. When we are out there in "the doing" we can so easily lose sight of His face and get caught up in doing what we think is right...which is good, as long as you have been privileged to have a time of waiting where you know His face well, where you have learned His mind and trust His guidance and provision.

I am tempted on some days to call this time wasted--who wouldn't? But I am beginning to see that more than anything I am one of the privileged few (especially here in America!) who get to slow down and relearn all the beautiful basics of life again from the perspective of the God who knows me so well and has such beautiful plans for me. He sees this time as precious--I want to see it that way too.

Alice in Wonderland...again

I feel like Alice in Wonderland...

haha, this is something I've actually written about in another blog--probably a few weeks after I saw the movie. But it's like it's becoming more true--as though it has accelerated in some way...this is hard to write, because its not fully formed in my mind...but usually the only way for me to really know what I'm thinking is to write it out! That pins it down, keeps it from running around like crazy in my head and helps me discern why I am feeling/thinking/acting the way that I am. Writing...my necessary and God given tool.

Back to me being Alice :)

Everything changes today...I find myself facing a new journey. In a lot of ways, my life has been my own these past few years--I have gotten to choose where I want to be, how I want to get there and how long to stay--at times this was lonely, but it was free! Now a new season--Family! First the summer with my parents and then with the missionaries in Mongolia. I keep hearing the verse/idea: "he puts the lonely into families"(Psalm 68:6) and I can't help but know that it applies to me. I have a lot to learn and re-learn about doing family with my fellow human beings :) I also have a lot to learn about laying down my life so that others may thrive (this was the theme--and a fitting one--at my last day at the Stirring today). It's going to be really a wild ride--I don't think I can quite grasp it at this moment...maybe that's why I feel so much like Alice in Wonderland--this adventure just fell upon her and she totally wasn't ready for it--except that she was...she was the one that it had always been planned that she would risk her life to free a kingdom (whoa! noticing parallels!). She started out so uncertain and then as life progressed, all that was in her was revealed--and she was capable of far more than she could have told you she was at the beginning of the journey.

Oh gosh, this has been so much my journey! If you would have told me what the last few years of my life would have looked like, I would have cried and asked you to take it away. But Papa God saw me through all of it so beautifully--I didn't know it, but all I had needed was already in me/God was investing into me. BIZARRE! And so often life posed challenges that threatened to overwhelm me and God  intervened when I called out and became my strength and hope--He invested authority into me, endurance and so much hope...the things I have been through--they show me that God is more than capable of bringing me through any trial or darkness that He puts in front of me...I'm not afraid.

And I have stuff to be afraid of: moving home where I have no friends, moving home in general!, moving to Mongolia in a few months!!!!, going to Haiti whenever that happens :) haha, this stuff is crazy--but I've already seen Him intervene and be strong in all the places where I am weak: so again, I just offer up all I am to Papa and pray that He uses me in whatever way He chooses--it's not my glory that's at stake, it's His!

Alice in Wonderland...ready and willing to adventure with Him...

Pray for me :)

"In His Name"

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."

--Jesus (John 16:24)

I think sometimes I don't even know what to ask.

Am I the only one? I feel like a lot of people always think "super supernaturally" when they read this verse. We can ask for healings and demons to be sent out of people and [fill in your own version of being supernaturally awesome]. I don't see anything wrong with that...but sometimes I think I forget to ask for the littlest things, like a husband who will truly be a partner for me throughout my life (okay, that is NOT one of the littlest things! haha). 

Do you see the point I'm trying to get to? No...haha, oh yeah, only I live in my mind. I was just reading some of Jesus' poignant last thoughts to us and realized I don't ask Him for so much that I should be asking Him for. I feel like I almost constantly make God way too small.

These are His words: "Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." (John 16:20-24)

Looking over those verses again, you can sense a transition in the relationship (which makes sense, as this was His last night with them). The way Jesus is putting it, it's almost like there's a new level of life and possibility coming for them. They haven't asked yet for anything "in His name"--they haven't needed too, He's been right there. Something new is coming, now that Jesus is leaving and the Holy Spirit will be coming to them. They get to ask, and have answers and a fullness of joy...

I think we need to recognize that there's a certain posture that must be present here--and I think it has much to do with the phrase "in my name". I don't think there's any kind of hocus pocus, magic word kind of thing going on here (you say His name and you get whatever you want)--it's more in how you position yourself and your life in regards to Jesus. Are you honoring Him? Is He Lord over your life? Are you living out life relying and trusting in this name? Or do you have other sources of hope and strength that you can go to?

I want to live my whole life focused on this person, Jesus. And trust me, this is no blog post to tell you how far I've come and how right I am. I'm still on the journey. I am definitely and always still figuring it out. Some days I truly feel as though I have no clue--but Jesus still shows up and is so faithful in my life. He's teaching me to "live in His name" in my thought life lately. I so often think of people and start worrying about them as I think through their situations. Lately, God keeps pointing out that instead of worrying and getting upset, I should turn that time into prayer--lifting them up and asking His blessings on them, over and over as often as they come to mind--isn't that so much better?

I need to ask more--I need to stop trying to figure my life out all day long and simply let my thoughts turn to prayers (aren't we called to pray without ceasing anyway?). I think that this is the way of joy, especially as we see that He hears them and is always responding to His children. We need to keep in mind that this is all done in His own timing, but that doesn't mean you stop praying for it when it doesn't come right away--you persevere in prayer! Case in point for me: future husband. Haha...this is the way of joy. 

I think I want to end by just encouraging you--whoever you are--to keep praying! He asked us to ask, he wants us to be blessed--this is not a prosperity message...well, maybe it is. I'm not telling you to pray for a Ferrari (well, you could) or use God purely for your own gain (wait, you're not powerful enough to do that anyway!). I'm saying that we should seek what He has promised (and to find out what He's promised, read His book) and that our souls, relationships, minds and hearts should be prospering and being filled with His joy. Look to Jesus, honor Him, pray "in His name" and wait on the Lord--you have no idea what He will do! This is a season of hope! 

An Awesome Wordle :)

This is where my life is at currently! Click on the link and enjoy :) 

title="Wordle: My New Journey"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/6762068/My_New_Journey" alt="Wordle: My New Journey" style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

I Don't Want to Be Ordinary

I love being able to share His truths...

Have I ever told you that my life has been completely blessed? I wish you could live in my head for a day--its just that God has chosen to love me! Even though I have days like today (bad temper, silly doubts, having to fight)...I also had a day like yesterday (being fully in His presence, having His word impressed upon my heart, invited in to joy and so aware of His deep love and leading)...and you need both days. Life is not all dancing on the mountaintop, its also found in the deep, among the ravines where evil lurks. We live with the Kingdom in us, waiting on His Kingdom to be released over the whole earth. That means we will be tempted and have really numbing difficult days, because we have to learn to fight. This is not a race run by letting Jesus pull you after Him--you race with Him toward the finish line! It's difficult and harrowing and it sure takes all you have, but where else would you give away your love? It'll go somewhere--I hope mine is poured out before a King, no questions asked.

Papa God, keep refining me. I know it will be difficult and there will be days that only by looking into your face will I have reason to go forward. I pray for your Power to be poured out, that I and all the people I work for will seek You and Your Kingdom and Your Righteousness with undivided hearts...it's the only way. I am awful, I judge people all the time without knowing their full story and I pray you will change me. Wherever you send me, let me bring You. Like Moses, I am just asking you to stay near me as you lead me into all the lands you promised to me. Please give me wisdom and favor to minister and thank you for the faith and love I have found in you that block out all the fear. I am little, but I am Your little girl.

You have me
You have me
You have my heart completely   --song that just finished playing by Gungor

In His Arms

It's been a long week--but in all the best possible ways :) I've gotten to work, rest, spend time in the Presence of the One I Love, worship, be with friends, read some Hebrew--just all the things that bless my life. I never would have seen my life so full...never would have seen myself in this season.

That's the joy though, isn't it? All that we don't know is being put together for good when we put our lives in the hands of a God who loves us. I'm currently filling out an application to go to a place I never would have pictured myself in--but I see God's hand all over it. I will get to do what I love (teach), be under people who I love (the Lains) and be among people who need to be exposed to His love and joy. I know the struggles that will come: bitter cold, being a single woman in a place where that is uncommon, and learning to live on my own in a vastly different culture from mine. I am becoming aware of these potential issues (and I know these next few years will be refining ones for me, where I will have to learn the deep truth of denying oneself) but I present it to the Lord in prayer. If He goes before me (and I know He does) and makes a way for me (He always will) and will be near every moment, I have nothing to fear.

I was recently (okay, yesterday) asking the Lord what it meant to abide in Him? How could I constantly abide in Him and yet not get caught up in the trap of striving again? I know (and will learn deeper in this season) that I can do nothing apart from Him--He is the only way, He is the hope I need...I'm basically desperate for Him to show up in all the circumstances I place before Him daily.

I was at a prayer chapel in my area praying and worshipping, just being still before Him, when all of a sudden, I was in a vision. It had a similar aspect to other words spoken over me in recent years, in that I was dancing with Jesus. Only this time, I saw a time progression: me as a little girl, teenager, etc. until the present time and always I was dancing with our Lord. Then I saw us dancing into a shadowy land, where people were in distress and the atmosphere seemed pretty dismal. It shook me for a little bit, but then I looked into His face and we just kept dancing. As we danced, flowers were springing up, the ground was coming alive, hope was shooting forth. Then I looked out and it had all multiplied: many were now dancing with Jesus where before it had been just me. And the world was changing because of this.

Then we were on our way to what I can only describe as heaven, the new Jerusalem. I can't even comprehend or describe what that everlasting place will look like, what I saw in this vision I know has no resemblance to what that place will actually be--but I knew that that was where all of us were headed. Then I heard the word, "TOGETHER", and I knew I had my answer to the question. I have no need to strive to abide: it just happens as Jesus and I dance together through this life. It's my job to stay near, to keep looking into His eyes. If I leave His Presence and Power to try and rescue His world on my own--I will perish alongside all of them. I've tried to live that way...letting the troubles overpower what I know about our Lord and choosing to live in anguish. However, if I stay child-like, rejoicing in the relationship I have with my Lord and staying near, He will draw others near and multiply the relationship so that many needs will be met--I know not how, but He is able and He will do it.

I urge you, His sons and daughters, to not let the troubles of the world dissuade you. There is a higher Power, a more devastating hope than the devastation that often surrounds us. Whether your healing needs to come in the area of relationships, hope for the future, bodily healing or provision our Papa has us in His hands. Keep looking into His eyes, He will provide: I don't know how and I certainly don't know when, but in His good time He comes through for His children.

We are in love with a King...and He more than loves us. Stay in His arms today, it's the best place to be.

To Stand

How can you be filled and thirsty at the same time?

That's the paradox I am living out in this present moment...if I were to believe my emotions, I am tired and weary, far from my Love...but my reality is so different! Jesus keeps speaking and leading and filling and giving me such joy--the overwhelming, contagious kind that is His blessing and gift. I have to keep pushing past this defeat and this nagging sense of inability--have to keep pushing truth down my throat and then declaring it in a loud voice! Every moment feels like a mini-battle--but I know who the victor is in the end and so I'm not afraid.

Reading the journal entry below this one today made me cry--perhaps tears of relief. I know that no matter how I am feeling, the decision has already been made. I am His completely, for Him to do with as He wishes. And though it is hard, He will make a way for me where there is no way--He is the God who parted the Red Sea after all...human authority has no sway when He decides to move. If this is the God in charge of my life--and I surely know He is--then I can face my doubts and inabilities with a brilliant smile and the shout of a victor! He alone knows the path I should take and He who has been faithful from the beginning will not fail me now. The Lord is my fortress...the reason I stand confident. Though darkness surround me, He will be light for me...should all the forces of evil come against me, He will see me through to the victory.

And the thing is...we have to learn to fight. We have to learn to stand...and when we have nothing left, to stand. Sometimes I look out at my future--so uncertain and entirely out of my hands--and I tremble. The waiting has been so long and none of my hopes look likely to be fulfilled from any earthly perspective. But then I tune into His heart...and begin to listen to His words...and remember who He is...and that victory song, that song of praise can't help but begin to come forth! I am still standing and I will continue to stand, a song of praise issuing forth, for as long as He asks me to. I know that the moment will come when He will whisper, "Go" and my journey will begin, the race put in motion by and planned by Him. And that will be a glorious day--but as long as He has me singing on this hillside, waiting on Him as David did, as Paul, as Jesus Himself--I will rejoice that He has made this moment and all moments to come and I get to be His!

In every season...I am standing.
                               I am fighting.
                                    I am rejoicing.
                                         I am trusting.
I am waiting on Him...the beauty, the glory is on its way.

Can you see it? Look deep into the good in your life--you'll see Him.

I Am His

 

It’s just a stay up late kind of night…I’m not sure why.

To follow Jesus—it’s going to cost a lot. I will have to be misunderstood by those I love and am close to. I will have to wait for His timing in seasons when I would rather run ahead and do it my own way. I am the peasant girl who would be content with playing among the weeds and putting flowers in my hair—but He calls me to approach and enter a castle, to be robed in all that is befitting to a Queen, to preside over a court and love a people with my whole heart—enough to be willing to die for them. Sometimes I rail against this calling—I like not what it costs me. My urge to take control and escape the vague uncertainties is only succumbed by my constant fellowship with He who loves me best. Left to my own devises I will wander trackless deserts—but He calls me into the sunshine of His embrace and the joy found there. Much I have given up, but much have I been loved—and that is of the worth I would give anything for. My life is not my own, but somehow, the sting of that statement has been stayed. I no longer have the wild ready-to-bolt look of a stallion—He has calmed me with a full assurance of His love. Blessings all mine!

So I say this to You, My Love, my All-in-All: do what You will with my life. Take what You must and prune as is befitting. You know the desires of my heart—all of them placed there by You—and You will fulfill them in due season. I have only to trust in You, to keep following. Stay my wayward heart, keep it close to Yours and when it cries out—frightened and alone and seemingly far from its comfort—whisper again Your promises. As long as I can hear You, remember the promises and be reminded of love; I know all will be well. Many and long may be the roads ahead, but I travel with You, oh Love of My Heart. You lead me well.

A Little More--God at Work in a Heart Set on Him

 These entries are from the beginning of the trip...we had a lot of time on our hands (which at first drove me crazy) but it meant I got to think and write a lot--these entries happened over a period of five days and these are only excerpts--there's pages and pages more of this stuff!!! God was doing a lot in me and I was taking the time to hear Him :) May it always continue on...

July 11^th, 2008

            Thank you for being a shelter for us, Lord, thank You for keeping us safe. We owe our very lives to You, Lord. Why have You brought us here? What is your plan and purpose in all this, Lord? Let us hear from You…

            “If the narrative of the Scriptures teaches us anything, from the serpent in the Garden to the carpenter from Nazareth, it teaches us that things are rarely what they seem, that we shouldn’t be fooled by appearances.”

             --from The Sacred Romance, pg. 92-93

            Case in point: Haiti…

            …sitting here, reading the Bible—I love how hope (“espwa” in Creole) is so different in the Bible from how we use it in ordinary English language. Hope for Americans means “maybe it’ll happen”. We “hope” to go to the movies. In the Bible this hope is a definite thing. God is a God of hope.

            “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him.” Romans 15:13

            Those words, “because you trust in Him,” stick out so strong for me right now. Almost like God is saying, “Remember? You trust in Me! This is the lesson we’ve (because I strive with God) been learning for the last few years. Trust me. It will all fall into place. Trust me.”

            I want to feed people, really provide for their needs. Maybe God isn’t doing it this trip so that a hunger in me builds to feed the hungry. You know, things like a kiss, etc. are always a lot more satisfying when you’ve had to wait for them that much longer. Something inside me, when I’ve gone home, will start going crazy about how I couldn’t feed them, it didn’t happen, they still need help and I’ll fall on my knees and really be praying and longing to find a way to go back, to be a real servant, to provide for the hunger, be there, suffer with. This trip is good, everyone needs an intro, but I know there’s so much more and I am so unable. My weakness, powerlessness to do anything, even though I’m here in this country almost infuriates me. I’m accepting it, but I also can’t accept it. There has to be more I can do…but that’s where it ends. I can’t do anything. I can’t starve just to feed someone else. I can’t…I don’t know who needs help…this is where God steps in—at the point that I realize there is no way but Him.

            The last part of that verse: “Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Thank You for Your Word, Lord…

            …After we had prayed [for Pastor Westerne, who hosted us during our time in Haiti] and Katie and I came back to our room I said, “We’ve declared war.” These next few weeks will not be easy. God, bind us together, let us be open and honest with each other and let us recognize spiritual attack and go to war for each other. God of Jacob, we need You desperately. You are the only One strong enough to defeat these things which will come against us in the following weeks. Fight for us, Jehovah Tsebaioth—Captain of the Lord of Hosts.

            “Your job in this battle is just to keep moving on. Simply walk in obedience to My Word…Just come under the blood. I will cover you with all manner of divine protection. Keep walking and talking with me. All the while I will be doing battle for you…You have to know that the forces of Jehovah Tsebaioth are always at work on you behalf…Your day of total victory is soon to come.”

            --Knowing God by Name, Wilkerson, pg. 82-4

July 13^th, 2008

            I pray that Isaiah 50:4 would be true of me somehow: “The Sovereign Lord has given me His words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning He wakens me, and opens my understanding to His will.” I long for that understanding. Speak to me, speak to me please…won’t you speak to me…Your fire fall down, fire fall down on us as we pray. As we seek You…fire fall down…show us Your heart, show us Your way, show us Your glory…

            I know that You’re alive

            You came to fix my broken life

            I sing to glorify Your holy name, Jesus Christ

July 15^th, 2008

            Good quote (I’ve been reading Mountains Beyond Mountains since yesterday, I’m on pg. 164) from Margaret Mead:

            “Never underestimate the ability of a small group of committed individuals to change the world. Indeed they are the only ones who ever have.”…

           

…these next few years will fly…and I don’t know what to do after that. I really would love to teach…to be with a group of kids all day long [sidenote: I just went through student teaching and received my teaching credential—didn’t plan for that! But He did!]—I could so easily stay in America…but then I ache for the people of the world, especially kids—ANYBODY!—who is hungry. So I couldn’t possibly stay in America…

            I have a lot of praying to do, a lot of asking God where He wants me to go and then a lot of preparing to do. You can’t just waltz into a country like we’ve waltzed into Haiti and expect to make a difference. You really do have to learn the language and what the country is like—customs, history, how people live. It’s good to go where God sends you, but your part is to be prepared as much as possible…

           

         …Accept this.

         I’m doing my best, Lord, please help me.

         I’m sure this is so much a part of Haitian culture. The same thing I’m trying to accept is what they live day in and day out…they can’t leave after three weeks. Having no purpose, even though you have tons of potential (which many Haitians do—they’re smart, but have no where to apply it, no way to develop it, no place to prove themselves) this is their life. I hate it, and they must to, but they have accepted and hopefully not resigned themselves to it…Jesus teach me how to be like a Haitian…content in my circumstances, without resigning myself to my fate.

July 16^th, 2008

        Been reading about righteousness:

        “Righteousness is believing the promises of God, being fully persuaded that He will keep His word. Unrighteousness is unbelief—staggering at His promises, doubting God will do what He promised and trying to do it ourselves.”

        Oh, I have been guilty of that underlined part before and I’ve made a mess of things! Help me, dear God, to learn/take on Your rghteousness.

        “None of these things—personal obedience, deny[ing] ourselves and reject[ing] the world, forsak[ing] all lusts of the flesh, tak[ing] up our cross, surrendur[ing] continually to the Lord, walking in purity and seeking a life that is pleasing to Him—[are] possible unless we are fully persuaded that God will keep His covenant promises to us. It all comes down to trusting in His Word. The fact is, our acceptance does not depend on any of these things. We are accepted by God only because we are in Christ. You see, God accepts only one person, Jesus—and in turn, we are accepted because we believe in His finished work for us on the cross.”

--Knowing God by Name, pg. 118

        This is so freeing to me.

        Despite all that was going against him, Abraham still believed God would fuflfill His promises. “That is the righteousness that is of faith, not works. Abraham is [God’s] definition of a righteous man.” (pg. 119)

        “God’s only demand of His people has been, ‘Believe My word. Trust in My promises. Have faith that I will do the impossible for you,’” but “deep down, we tell ourselves that we do not pray enough, give enough or sacrifice enough…something inside us keeps insisting, ‘I can’t be righteous before the Lord without more effort, more pain, more struggle.’ So our flesh jumps in and tries to help God make us righteous. Yet, all along, the only thing God has asked of us is simply to trust Him to do what He has already promised.” (pg. 119-120)
         *note from modern Robin: this lesson that was being impressed on me that morning has been a theme for the last few years--I'm always trying to do it on my own (because I was operating out of fear which results in wanting control) and God is all about showing me that if I don't go to Him and ask for help, I'm sunk. I'm excited to say that I FINALLY GOT IT!!! and have realized the power of the cross, all that God has done for us and that we just have to ask and the Kingdom comes breaking in to all the dirty broken places and when God is at work and we follow--it's so beautiful! Who wouldn't want to be righteous? AND GOD IS GOING TO DO ALL HE PROMISED!!!

The Journals and Workings of a Heart Set to Follow

These are all pre-trip journals. This first entry is from a few weeks before my trip, on the day my little bro graduated high school:

                                                                                                 

     Jesus.

     You remind me of hope. One visit by You to our planet changed everything. I will not believe this statement: "one accidental human visitor has little chance of making a difference in their lives." You have absolutely refuted this claim through Your life. 

    What these people need is someone to stay, to dwell with them, to care and love enough to make a commitment.

    "I [was] never meant to do this on [my] own"  from 'I'll Be There for You'

    I know my God will be with me wherever I go. There is too much suffering in this world, too much that needs changing, for me to stay here and be comfortable. I must move, God guide me. And no matter what I lose, I will still follow.

     It's only by Your grace and Your power and Your love that I am able to do anything. Help me to always remember that I am completely reliant on You.

     "Tell the world that Jesus lives..."

     What do you desire for me, Lord?

     What do you desire of me, Lord?

                                     --June 11th, 2008

Helping out with the Drama Portion of my churches Vacation Bible School Program:

     I think I've realized a few things this week. Maybe things being reaffirmed.

     First, I've got to get serious about God. No more of this mushy, gushy, "I love Jesus" talk and "did you have fun?" I was doing VBS this week, teaching through drama and reading Keith Green's biography, written by his wife. I was good at what I did in VBS, people kept giving me compliments ad Brenda [children's pastor at the church] told me I could have a future in children's ministry...I could have taken a lot of pride in that and I'm sad to say I did. One girl came up to me in chapel and asked me to sign her balloon. At least that's what I thought she said. Turns out she wanted me to tie it.

     But if this isn't all pointing back to Jesus...what exactly am I doing this for? And who? For Brenda, who when I saw her come into the room, my heart skipped a beat. Two of my old friends showing up again--pride and my need to please people. No wonder I keep reading the verse "for they loved the praise of man more than the praise of God". I believe it's a warning.

     Yes, I could go into children's ministry and I could be good at it too. But for the glory of who?

                                  --June 27th, 2008

     I'm supposed to write a lot, when I go to Haiti. And I'm supposed to only take one book, called The Sacred Romance. I'm reading another book while at home about the life of Peter Marshall, written by his wife. The book is A Man Called Peter and the theme of The Sacred Romance can be summarized through this quote from A Man Called Peter:

     "...idealism of Peter's was no mere sentimentality, for it was rooted and grounded in the love of Christ. Indeed, every sermon Peter preached was a word drama, whose gigantic backdrop was a picture etched in bold strokes of God's age-long courtship of the human race. To the preacher, all human history was but the tale of God's tender wooing of the self-willed, stubborn hearts of men and women--a drama that culminated in the Cross. No romance could ever equal the romance of Calvary..." (pg. 81)

                          --July 4th, 2008

    ...remember that always and in every place, Christ has made victory possible for us.

Remember that always and in every place, Christ has made victory possible for us!

supplement our small faith, Lord!

Let us know Your face, Your name our hope! For You alone can do all things. In Your name, Jesus, do we go forth!

                          --July 5th, 2008

This song, a bit of it, came to mind last week. I found out what song it was and found a video of it on Youtube and I’ve been watching and singing with it all week. The song is “You Are My Stronghold” by Watermark. I love the message of this song, it’s so powerful and it speaks to my situation. A song given to me by the Lord.

Lord, You are my light and my salvation

Whome shall I fear if you are near?

Lord, You are my peace when there is war all around me

And even there inside me I will have no fear

(Chorus)

O Lord, You’re my protection from my enemies

You set me high upon a rock and You defend my soul

And when their ways advance against me

I am confident

That they cannot make me less,

For You have made me whole

Lord, You are my strength, so let my head be lifted up

That I may glory in the ways You’ve overcome

Lord, You are my home because You’ve created in me

A heart that lives the victory that You’ve already won

(2x Chorus)

                                                        --July 5th, 2008

At this point, I’ve met up with my team and we’re preparing to go!:

We drew what part of the body we felt we were and immediately, as Katie was talking about the activity, a picture of a heart popped into my mind. My gift is faith, knowing God can do anything and that is central. I also think I have the gift of mercy and that is central to the heart…I don’t know, I almost felt like I was being prideful, saying I was such a central part, but all the parts are important. I’m no more important…if we were all heart and no brains, where would we be?

                --July 6^th, 2008 (going to Haiti tomorrow!)

The day we leave:

A promise: At your weakest point, you will be protected.

“Through it all God wanted to prove to Israel that He alone was their defense. He wanted to convince them, ‘This isn’t your battle. Victory will never come through your own hands. It will not happen through your muscle, might or power. It will come to you only through My Spirit.” (Knowing God By Name, 70)

having no confidence in the flesh

“cast…[your]self completely into the arms of your heavenly Father…refuse…to put [your] confidence in man or in [your] own strength…” (pg. 72, same book)

            You call us to something that transcends safety and common sense” (pg. 60, Sacred Romance), something glorious for Your Kingdom.

            The shout of a King is among us!

            “For the Lord their God is with them;

he has been proclaimed their king.

God brought them out of Egypt;

For them He is as strong as a wild ox.

No curse can touch Jacob;

No magic has any power against Israel.

For now it will be said of Jacob,

‘What wonders God has done for Israel!’”

Numbers 23:21-23

Same God is with us today. So strong, so powerful with a love so deep. Though we hurt Him, He still loves, as a mother loves the baby in her womb. [From modern Robin—just felt like this needs to be said: We are called to deep, inordinate love—every single human one of us. This flies in the face of all that the world cries to us about protecting ourselves and only loving when we are sure of gain from it—our King teaches deeper and better. He shows the love of a mother, who though her baby was deformed and might infringe upon her life, refused to even consider an abortion. Though this baby had been only a few weeks growing in her, she already knew and loved it and would sacrifice anything on its behalf. That is the love we are called to—giving our all though it may cost us our all—body, soul and self. None belong to you, for you belong to the Lord. Live as such; offer your bodies as living sacrifices for His glory. He will lead, guide and cause you to prosper. All that you believe you are losing will be given back to you tenfold, nay, a hundredfold. Only follow, think nothing of the cost.] May we not dishonor You, Lord, with our actions but may we bring You glory in all we do and say in Haiti. This is the day…

                                      --July 7^th, 2008