Dancing Free...

I’m looking through my pictures again—as you inevitably do—and I just got stuck on one. I’m on a beach in Goa, spinning and singing and finally happy after a horrendous day. As I kept gazing at this picture, suddenly I saw what was written in the sand: “Forgiveness.”

The flowers I started planting a few days ago are already beginning to sprout, the beautiful green uncurling, proudly showing off its first two leaves.

I see the dead things in me coming to life again.

And soil—or hearts—that have been poisoned by the mess that life creates can only come clean through forgiveness. That, I think, is why forgiveness is emphasized so often in the Word of God, His true words to us: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sin, I will not forgive your sins.” He lets it be known: ‘I cannot give you the life you have imagined with me—or even any sort of healthy life at all—without this cleansing balm of forgiveness.’

He sees such beauty in us, masterpieces, things perfectly planned and gloriously carved out in our souls as we have let Him do His work: we are as majestic to Him as the waterfalls I witnessed cascading down from great heights yesterday, something about us that is irreplaceable and forever precious to Him, the work He loves to gaze on and just can’t get enough of. And we botch it: we try to make our own way, carve our own paths and find ourselves stuck, not able to cascade at all. But He gently guides, does surgery and soon, we are a green plant again, forever unfurling.

Loss happens. The seed had to let go to find that new growth. It is a wholehearted pursuit to become a green plant, a forever letting of what was before to find the new. One cannot happen without the other, so…we let go.

I am the girl who gets to dance upon forgiveness. My wholehearted approach to life has lead to hurt but my Savior is enough. I find the balance of my heart comes and is drawn together as I look to Him for that beautiful resurrection (I just keep getting caught in it, how good it is) and I am singing again. I will be dancing soon and it is because I believe in and live out of this beauty that my Savior taught me: forgive.

Let the wounds close. Let the arrows go. Don’t hold on to anything—it will poison you and keep you unable to do my work. Let it go, let them go and your life moves forward: you are free.

Did I say it was easy? No! Does a seed know what is coming when it feels life erupting within and has to split, crack, let itself be forced into something new, something no one ever helped it plan for? It has to relinquish control and allow what is coming to break it wide open and as it dies…there…comes…life…

And so He does in me. And so He does in you. Let us be the ones who dance upon forgiveness, enthralled by it, no matter what the breaking may cost us.

You were made for life.

Here's that picture:

  

Out of Pain

My heart

Is a patchwork of scars

Neatly knit together by a Master hand

The pieces fit within your hand

Hope coming alive because I chose your smile

The pain remains

But at your touch

I feel myself

Coming

Alive

Again

Resurrection

It is a reality and has been

Over and over

For this fractured and healing and broken

Heart

This

Will Never be EASY

But it is good

Relinquishing

So you can

Truly

Have your way in my life

The staccato heartbeats

Bear your signature

A phraseology

Only found

In those

Who have been redeemed

I face my dragons

Without fear

Knowing you are near

The worse pervades

And hope departs

But your hand, always upon me

You put my pieces together

Flying apart, they are stilled in your hand

I breathe because you breathe into me

I fall apart as you look into my heart and see past the pain to the me you are creating

Your creation is wonderful

As you look upon it, I am changed

Suddenly

Life FLASHES

Where only death had dwelt before

And I find I can go on

Hopeful

Because of the words I hear you singing over me

That I have a victory

I am never far from you

I have a home in your arms

Again

I find that I am made whole

Complete

In the love of my Saviour

I am home

I am His

And this nightmare will end

With the sound of a white knight on a horse

Heaven my reward

I wait for you

Above all else

And you

Will Never

Disapppoint me

Risen King, Your call

Is the one I wait for

And in the meantime

I am alive in you

The Purse Talk

I'm having a hard time unpacking my purse.

Six months is a long time. Everything changes--that's what they tell you, that's what you mentally know, that's life. But there are artifacts--and for some reason, those are the worst to face.

The girl who held this purse before me, the one I left in America, didn't know what it meant not to be able to afford anything. She'd had a regular paycheck for a while and was used to buying chocolate just because she felt like it, or a new candle. She didn't know how much she would give away and use to travel the world. She didn't know what an empty bank account looked like and she didn't have to scrounge together money for gas.

The girl before DTS hadn't had other things emptied out too. She didn't know what it meant to really take someone into your heart and then have to be emptied again, seemingly immaturely. She didn't know about not having a chance to let those feelings bloom.

The girl who owned this purse wasn't sure of the future, but she enjoyed thinking about it. She didn't know what it would cost and she didn't even know how to give herself completely but she was willing to go where she was sent.

It's funny to walk out what is required of you. You don't know, going into a situation or relationship or new set of circumstances what it will mean for you, what it will ask you to give up. The word I hear and see for this trip, the one that sums up all that happened to me and all that we as a team experienced is "emptied". Maybe that seems like a weird choice or doesn't make sense: but if there's anything that happened in India, in Northern Ireland too, it was an emptying. I knew, more than I ever have before, what it means to give up everything for the Kingdom. I went absolutely broke for it--literally. My bank account, my heart, my broken camera, all my shame, my fear, my ability to protect myself, my body's ability to function--all were at one time or are permanently, poured out. Offered. No longer mine.

I hate looking at that purse, because it shows what I lost. And much of it was worth losing and I am immensely glad for the relief losing those things has brought...but many were good things (in my estimation) and the little girl in me cries over them. If I had known: but you never can.

I don't want that girl from six months ago to see me, to know me. My old self and who I am today: I don't know what they would say to each other. Honestly, I think they would be shocked.  They're such different people--and so to even run into her belongings stirs up something in me--almost a longing...

Knowing what I know now--would I have gone?

Sadly, the answers is no.

But isn't that true of all of us? If you had known the pain, loss, frustration and grief that would come to you in each season, you wouldn't have gone. None of us would! No one willing subjects themselves to that which brings them pain.

I've been reading through the Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis since I started traveling home. He makes many good points, but the theme that keeps surfacing for me is the beauty pain, suffering, brings. Not that you willingly undergo suffering or choose that as your lot in life (that's the edge of something else that we will not get into here...) but that you have the ability to take hold of it...it is happening, there is no use denying that, but how you react--that speaks volumes and will either plunge you forward or hold you back--and you won't know the outcome of all of this until years later.

The thing is, though I have lost much, I have gained the Kingdom. With each giving up, relinquishment, another piece of Heaven was allowed to be part of me and my reality and how I operate. I traded my "self"--at times, a gruesome display, for I mistakenly believed that what my heart fell for was good for me--for the "me" that He has been willing, and always ready, to create in me.

Self will--it's what we all fight for, against and with: my desires pitted against the Lords. I die to live, that's the choice. I've been choosing it for years now.

India was easy: I love developing countries, their hustle and bustle, the beautiful ways that they do life. I am not afraid or overwhelmed by honking horns, being the only white face in a crowd, not understanding a language...not to say that there are not moments of weakness, but that it becomes a joy as I adjust to the new surroundings. Being in India was not the most difficult part of my trip--it will forever be my joy. There were other, deeper things going on in me that caused me my pain, what I am walking through now. That's why it hurts to go through the purse: I remember how lighthearted and happy that girl was, how excited she was to learn--and I, on the other side, know the beauty of being refined.

It's a costly beauty: but it's one I had been anticipating and knew was on its way, I just hadn't realized the avenue by which it would approach. I had some words from the Lord about me coming into abundant joy and beauty before I left, and these two have come, but in ways unexpected. Through pain.

I have relinquished my circumstance to God and asked Him to have His way in my heart and there: there is where the healing can and has begun. The desperate pieces in you, when offered to the Lord, become the places His glory shines through. He gave me the ability to survive this and not only survive, but thrive. He has a new day coming for me--and encountering and passing through deep pain with Him also ushers me into deeper heights of glory--full joy! I don't take other relationships for granted--interacting in a healthy way with anyone brings me such delight these days--because I know its not easy. It's not to be taken for granted.

In this season of letting go, I have been given much. Dreams and vision for the future: to be a force of light and life to Ireland, to come alongside a struggling base and see a city changed. I even dream further out, into Haiti, in a way I have not let myself for a while. This time of testing and refining--pain--is not and never will be wasted.

Nothing is wasted...

Back to that purse! I am not that girl anymore. I am something more: Christ lives in me.

The Ever-Changing Road...

I love how God is not bound by space or time and continues to move in and with us. I have heard multiple times from people praying about their future that, when they have one of two options, they just feel like the Lord is asking them to choose. He is a God who, strangely enough, lets us have free will. Sometimes we use that for evil, sometimes for good, but ultimately, our choices don’t faze Him and He moves with them.

I didn’t come to this realization quickly or even gracefully: I used to be stuck so far in the “this is God’s plan for your life, don’t move away from it” camp that it paralyzed me: I was desperately afraid of taking the wrong job, marrying the wrong person or in any other way deviating from the perfect plan God had for me. I imagined that my life and its direction would and could only come together if I had it exactly right. What a mess! What a lie!

Now I know that it all is much more fluid than I could have put together: that there are hints and clues we can tune in to all along the way that help guide us and give us direction, but that, ultimately, you don’t have to get this right. What seems right at one time can change in a moment, as others make their choices and life happens.

This came really clear to me when we were choosing our Ireland outreaches (the last part of our DTS, where we went out into the local community to do ministry). We were asked to pray about what location we should go to and at first, I was set on Dublin. I have never wanted to go there and know absolutely nothing about that city, but that was definitely the pull. I was also aware that I would probably be with Whitney; I felt that the Lord wanted me to be under her leadership again (we had worked together in the kitchen, making dinner every night).

As the hour went on before we were to hand in our slips with our choice for Ireland outreach, I remember feeling that I also could go to Formagne—if I ended up there, that would work just as well.

Well, I got assigned to go to Formagne (without writing it down on the slip I turned in to my leaders) and was kind of confused: why was Dublin so strong and then it changed to Formagne? It wasn’t until toward the end of my week long trip in Formagne that it all got put together: Whitney mentioned that she had been supposed to go to Dublin, but then they switched everything around just before we turned in our little slips of paper. So, God had directed me to Dublin to be with Whitney, but then, when that got switched around, He redirected me. I was hearing well…hmmm…

I am learning that the true key and the thing to be always doing and cultivating is this thing called ‘abiding’. Everything might turn around in a moment, depending on human choices and things going on in the world and just life: it’s a fluid, ever-in-flux kind of thing. I am not saying that our God is at all like this: His character and who He is are never changing, ever present. But this world, that which He created, was created with those who have a will of their own, for good or ill. It was quiet a choice to make, as a God, quite a risky choice—but I think it all shows just how powerful He is: that He could make that kind of risk, even choosing to love, for the sake of being—potentially—loved back.

Knowing that about my God makes me that much more willing to love Him—this love was never forced and is one that will never, ever stop pursuing me. That is quite a thing to know: it lets that much more freedom flow from me, from my life. It makes me want to come running to Him even more too: knowing just how free I am paradoxically makes me that much more willing and able to offer my life to Him again, wanting to tune in more and more: what are you up to good Daddy? How can I join you?

God is able to pull it all together mid-stream, as we fly: That’s how my school was put together. They started out with two leaders and one support staff for more than 20 students. As we went along, we gained three more support staff: enough to keep us going in India. It was an interesting progression and I know we are all grateful for those who jumped in mid-flight. They were the best!

And now, I feel a shift…one that’s not too large, but will be significant. As time gets closer, you’ll know more. I love the way the Lord works: though I don’t know every detail, in the past few years, He has clued me in to what is coming next and then (usually) how long that thing will last. Again, human choice in the middle of it all causes different shifts, so I hold all my plans loosely in love, but I have been blessed to know for about how long I’ll get to stay in a place. I knew two years ago that I would get a teaching job—though I had no prospects—and toward the beginning of that teaching year, I also knew that I would only be there for a year. I knew last January that a shift was coming and then knew it was a shift into missions in March. I knew that this step, into YWAM, was just a beginning, that everything would move really quickly from this initial school I just finished (the word was ‘acceleration’), I knew I would be back to Ireland…and I have an idea of how long He’ll keep me there.

And yet, in the middle of the big picture, always abiding—ready to move as He wills me.

It’s a good life, lived in Him.

To Answer a Few Questions You Might Have About the Direction My Life is Currently Heading In...

Newness of life...

I'll be spending the day writing about Resurrection, I can tell--it's just bubbling out of me! haha, like always!

But first, I want to be practical for a few moments. I know I spin off into my deep thoughts all the time in this blog without realizing and relating to what is happening RIGHT NOW: so this blog will be one of those, for those seeking an update on my life (did she leave Ireland? where is she living? why hasn't she visited me? is she living under a rock? I know these are the questions bop-bop-bopping through your minds)

1. I left Ireland, Northern Ireland to be exact, on a plane, two weeks ago today. I don't live there anymore.

2. I live in California now.

3. I have no money for gas and no car to visit (well, I didn't). At the present moment, I earned a bit by babysitting and have use of my mom's car, so I will be a bit more mobile. There are many of you out there: call me if you want to hang out! I mean it...I would love to see all of you and I will--it just might take time :)

4. I do not live under a rock, though my parents do live out in the country, so sometimes it feels like the same thing.

Now that we're past your questions...little update: I am planning to go back to Ireland. It's a nation which holds part of my heart and is similar both in geography (islands!) and religion (Catholic!) as the nation I presently love and hope to return to someday (Haiti!). I have much to grow and feel that the Lord is opening the door wide and ushering me in. It's going to be a wild ride--but I am STOKED!

Meanwhile, I will be volunteering at a base in Yosemite and working at my local youth group for the next six months. I am excited to see what God does here: the people in both places are PRECIOUS and I am excited to partner with them for this little bit of time I am given.

So, that's it! But there's always more and I would love to chat! (It's kind of my favorite thing :)) so take me for coffee somewhere or Skype me, whatever, and we'll have a grand ol' time.

Cause it's a grand ol' life :) with a grand ol' God and grand ol' people and just general grand...