In His Arms

Watch this video...if you dare!

I can't stop listening to this song...

For one thing, it's so beautiful. There's such intensity in this song, in their eyes, the whole performance is marked by passion...a passion of a different kind.

But that's not why I can't stop watching it...

There's this deep sorrow in relationship. Sometimes...all I have wanted to do is never have to believe in love...being without hope feels better. You can't get hurt when you don't hope.

But my mom reminded me that I couldn't stop hoping. I almost didn't want to listen that day six months ago...and today I was talking it over with God--asking if I could just give up the hoping--and He told me no. And He told me other things that I won't write down here because its between me and Him. We'll see what happens three years from now...

I have to hope...and I live longing...and there is somebody that I used to know--and loved, as well as I was able--I have to hope...

"Maybe it's for the best", my head says and I know deep in me that all this has been for the best. All the heartache and pain, the longing, the breaking open inside me that I never knew I was capable of, the dying to self that I am learning to live daily...God has good plans for me, perfect plans, but I must wait on His counsel and stand in His will.

God made marriage for more than two people having sex...and we forget that somehow. We, as Christians, put our needs being met before a whole lot of things--but God never meant it that way. I want my marriage--MY LIFE!--to be a testament to God and His goodness. That requires dying to self and longings every day. God told me something today that means a big change in my life--a big change for three years. I want to live so fully given to Him these next three years. I know He has great gifts for me--but this world is so full of heartache and pain, why did I think I would be exempt? I tried my hardest to stay away from everything that would hurt me (I'm a complete baby when it comes to pain) but it found me anyway. It came and tore apart the most vulnerable part of me--my woman's heart. And the strange, sad thing is that he will never know...and that also is best.

But back to the song...we all know that cutting, biting, cruel pain of a heart ripped from its protection and thrown to the mercy of...you fill in that blank. Do we hope again? Do we try again? Do we search for love, even if we know it could just tear us open and cause more damage?

We do. We want love. We long for love. Sometimes we'll do anything to get that love that we desire. It's a cruel world. But I have learned that the love I am searching for could not possibly be found in any man. Sure, they can give some measure of love. They can comfort and create joy and make you feel new. But the love I long for--the deepest part of me cries out for--cannot be ascertained within this world. It is of a different...sort, I guess you could say. It is the love which reaches well beyond what we can fathom and reaches farther still--bottomless, endless, unfathomable and so good.

My Love lifts me beyond my circumstances. He reminds me that He has a plan and what He can see is so beyond me--I must trust Him. My Love searches me out when I would rather be anywhere than in His embrace--He washes me clean and makes my shame fall away in His presence. My Love looks into my eyes--and I'm astonished all over again, because He sees in me His pure white Bride and He delights in me. There is nothing He would like to do more than just to be with me, showing me His love. My Love makes me new, my Love heals my heart and my Love is there for me through every broken part of my past. When I gasp in pain, because the one I used to love turns up around a corner unexpected and just seeing him makes my heart wrench inside my chest, even then, He is there. Pouring His warm healing oil over my heart and making even this a time when we can be drawn closer together.

I am thankful for His grace. I am thankful for His kindness. I am thankful that He caught me when I was a stranger wandering and saved me. I am thankful for the promises and wonderful moments He has ahead and I am thankful that He will be steadfast and see me through even the hardest moments that may lie ahead for me. I don't know where I'm going and I have no plan--only Jesus.

And isn't that how He always wanted it to be.

In His arms.