Leaving What's Good Behind to Find Him

There's a part of us that never gets healed.

It's just not possible outside of heaven. We were meant to be completely One with the One who made us and--we live on earth. We still live where sin is possible and babies can die and pain is real. We live unsettled--this acute awareness deep inside us that 'this' this crazy filth or ache or longing or however it expresses itself in and through you--this was not what I was meant to be. This was not the plan, this isn't it, this isn't where I wanted to be...

But you're there...and you have to live there...

And this is Christians, I am talking about, those who 'supposedly' have the Lord living inside them. (Imagine trying to face this stuff without His Presence to run to!)

We're all flawed.

There's a part of us that can face it, up to a point. We have just enough resilience and drive to carry us through. I call it your "point of breakage" mine (I thought) was fairly high. And then I realized that I...just...have...not...suffered...

So when true pain hit--and hit me hard--I was left scrambling. It's almost like you're in a room with no doors and the pain is these lasers being shot at you. You do everything you can to dodge them but sometimes

there are just too many

and you find

pain envelops

and you fall...

The point of breakage: the place where you hit the end of yourself and you hit it hard.

I say all this to describe our commonality, how we try to make it all okay and how we fail. We live like the cereal box answers are around the corner (what the...is a cereal box answer, anyway? what the ...does that mean?)

"If I only put in enough hours, then....blah blah blah will happen to me."

"If I

okay, I'm done coming up with examples. My main point is, we come up with these formulas for ourselves that are designed to give us what we need. I do 'x', they'll do 'z' and we'll all be fine.

NOT!

Sorry, the world doesn't work that way.

I propose falling apart.

I propose giving up.

I propose letting go of all the ways you've constructed your life so that He can (finally!) have His way with you.

The ache isn't there because you didn't try hard enough or read your Bible or didn't put in all that's necessary to be successful: it comes because you traded what was good for actually knowing Him.

Paul (rather explicitly) states that for him, knowing Christ is worth losing everything else. In fact (as one high school leader put it so sweetly for a crowd of teenagers) he calls all that other stuff worthless shit.

Yup, you read that right. Donkey dung.

If this ultra smart guy (who was willing to go through torture to be known as Christ's by the way) said this, he's probably right.

You're probably giving Him (knowing the Lord, deeply, intimately, more than just ten minutes in your Bible--seriously, you've got to give Him more than that) up to pursue those other things at the detriment to your soul.

There is no...thing, person, ideal, country, food, TV show...(you can make your own list) that will offer you a percentage of the life, hope and vitality just hanging out with Jesus does.

I've been called to a season of rest--and at first, I filled it full of 'good' things. I had a really hard time not being able to tell people what I was 'doing' through the week.

Now, as He invites me again to leave it all to just be with Him, I find myself realizing just how essential this is. I think of it as wasted or even silly sounding as I think about what other people must think (a terrible habit, that, one I'm trying to break)...but...

He wants me alive: I can only find true life in Him.

He wants me hopeful: I can only know hope through knowing His heart--and that takes deep intimacy.

He wants me bringing Him into the world: only possible if I know Him.

He wants me trusting: and you cannot trust someone you do not know.

He wants me healed: so He gives me Himself.

mmmmm....He's worth all the time is takes.

The Radical Shift

I live so American.

That's so weird to write, but its so true. I have always dreamed of being overseas, I was just that weird kid who from the time she was a teenager looked around and was like, 'what?' I just did not understand the selfishness (though I recognize it in me), the disregard for others, the rebellion that all make up an average American teenager--who has now grown up into an average American young adult. I get it. We have issues. I wanted to leave them behind (cue "Get me out of here!" theme music)

Then I lived here. Really lived here instead of being aloof as I was in high school. I got into life (finally) with other Americans (and a few MK's) in my college story and was a little more okay with being American. Believe me, I still wanted to leave (country of choice, today and always: Haiti) but there was something in me that wasn't so afraid of us and the direction we were going. God moved here too, definitely.

Then I became an American career woman and man, did I take it to the hilt! Beyond nine-to-five with an hour and half commute added in: I was living that dream. And I was beyond lonely. And I went to Starbucks several times a week. And I lived vicariously through Facebook and watched way too many movies and just generally felt...the...ache.

We Americans are so alone.

We fight alone.

We cry alone.

We laugh alone.

We drink alone.

We sing alone.

And we live alone.

I get it. I get it now, the raw ache you feel after a long day when you have no one to connect with and no energy and you just find some way to entertain yourself. I get why you give yourself away so cheaply. I get why you look so tired and jaded and hopeless--we have made a tough world out there, with deadlines and papers and evaluations (can anyone say, "no grace!") and we fight it out and don't even know if it's completely worth it.

I am so sorry for judging you.

But now I am being brought out of that place: fending for yourself and providing for yourself and just being with yourself. I found out today that I wasn't receiving some money that I thought I would get--and it's fine, I don't really NEED it but it just made me realize how radical this season really is: I have to depend on other people now.

And that's really scary.

And I don't do that well: I really am comfortable (too comfortable) being on my own and taking care of myself. I was literally brought up that way and did just fine (I thought). Needing other people and asking for their help is literally completely against my wiring and very intimidating. I had a lot of trouble this year because I did just that: never asked for help. My principal literally leaned toward me during my summative (whole year) evaluation and said, "I'll tell you the secret of what you really need to work on wherever you go next." (Huh? What's that?) "You need to ask for help."

She pinned me. That was it to a tee: it's not even in me to ask...I would always much rather figure it out myself.

It's so destructive! But it's how Americans live! And I do it...really well...and it DESTROYS me.

But God is putting me in a place where I can't operate that way anymore. I am being thrust deep into community (I had a taste this week through going to a workshop called 'Single Life': and this workshop is actually the opposite of single life because you learn there how to operate in community and let people in...the way its named is literally ironic), having to rely on others for what I need and going beyond myself and all that I am comfortable with! And I'm not going to say I'm going to rock it or that it'll be the best thing ever (this is gonna be tough!) but I am EXCITED!

So, if you're still reading, please support me. It may be through prayer or even sending a check but, I am willing to admit: I need help.

SO UnAmerican :) heehee!

The Wild Ride

Hmmm....

Now that my life has slowed down just enough to allow me to realize what I'm doing...it feels really crazy! haha, you all knew that. But it all feels really blessed. I was between doctors and needed a form signed--bam! sit next to a lady at Bible study who supervises two doctors and gets you an appointment within a week. Whoosh! Need a place to stay? Put it on Facebook and have the perfect person answer within a day...lots of little beautiful miracles--and that's all I need to launch outta here.

I guess there are all ways and wiles to get yourself out of country. A lot of people hold a regular job and raise money for a year. For me, I am just being as honest as I can about what I need (hopefully making you laugh a little along the way?) and trusting that as I move in answer to His call, He also moves to meet me with provision. That's just how this relationship works and has always worked: Father meet Daughter, Daughter meet Father.

A privileged spot, being one of His own, with its own requirements and choices I must make, as well as behaviors expected of me. I am not on my own, trying to be enough (there is always the grace to become more godly, especially as you lean into Him for strength) and that's where I find myself always, leaning into Him. Especially in the middle of this journey, when it all hits me, the choices I am making and how final I know it is...it feels really wild when I stop and let it sink in.

It also feels...almost perfect. I think the words I am trying to find are: meant to be, essential, hopeful, totally worth it. I am making this an all-in thing, no holds barred, no turning back because I feel like that is the stance need. It's a stance Christians are going to have to take in the following months to get anywhere in this changing world and it's a stance I have always been afraid of. I need to have this stance because its the one the Father had as He sent Jesus, the stance the world can't understand or accept, the stance that lets the Son of God hang on a cross. It's an incredible, awful, gravity-defying stance that can only be accepted by those who are willing to give it all away.

And that's where I'm at: just wanting to let it all go, so I can have Him completely. So I am giving away my possessions to the poor (that's essentially what you do when you have a yard sale!), looking to sell my car and dumping my limited savings into this--and whoever longs to join me, jump in! It's hilarious and ridiculous and fun and more than you can handle and all in His control--a wild ride, like Tatsu.

I rode Tatsu at Six Flags magic Mountain with my little (big) bro this summer--the first flip, where you're flying through the air and suddenly looking up into space--that was the moment the Lord was like: "This is a picture of your season! It's going to be a wild ride and a lot people won't understand but it is not your job to worry about them. It's time for acceleration, so just hold on!"

It's a wild and seemingly reckless ride...but I knew He had this planned all along.