Humility...
It makes me quake a little to even broach this subject. It is a topic written about, pondered on and emulated throughout all ages. Many have written about it, displayed it in their lives, seen it in others--its a multi-faceted subject that I do not have all the puzzle parts to.
But I want to try...
And that above statement is exactly where I am with humility right now. Humility, not properly seen in my life (and mixed with many other lies and misinformation), used to make me shrink back and let others take places I could have filled but...didn't choose to. Humility used to mean, 'let others do what they're better at anyway. They deserve to be seen and praised. You do what is safe, what is comfortable for you.'
This false humility caused me to miss out on a lot of growth.
Because being seen, as you truly are, is terrifying. Showing forth what you have created from the depths of your being, whether its a bit of writing, a song or just some words of wisdom that need to be spoken out; puts you in a place of vulnerability. Once it's out there: once you have spoken as a leader on a subject that may not be taken well by a group or performed your piece or sang your song...once it's out, it's out. It can never be taken back and now others can prod at it and make judgements and draw their own conclusions about you and what you bring to the table.
It's easier to be hidden. Stay safe. Don't share your gifts and don't let on how you really feel.
It's also a lot more selfish.
God has been dealing with and showing me just how selfish I am the last few months. It's astonishing and a bit terrifying really. I am glad God deals with us as we are able to take it, because (whew) it's just not pretty sometimes.
I was scared, shared and was vulnerable yesterday. I have been fighting fear of man as it comes to my worship leading--specifically, the freakin' guitar! Love/hate relationship strong there. Love my guitar, I hate how I am not a rockstar yet (see the word 'yet'...I do have hope for myself). But I can get so stuck in my head, so aware (stinking' inner voice) of just how unqualified I am that I can't even perform. I cut myself right out of the race before I ever get there. I was terrible when I started (yay for being left handed and playing a right handed guitar) but it has been years and though I am no...whatever guitar players name you want to put in that space! I can still do it.
And I need to. I shared exactly how I was feeling with my (thankfully) supportive staff and students...yay for crying! They prayed and fought for me and I went on to lead worship that day...and it was good.
It was good.
False humility has me backstabbing myself all the time and keeping me from going forward. Plain ol' humility sees me as I am with my limitations and knows...that is good. By no means perfect, but good. I offered what I had, all of it, and it was good that I took on the part I was supposed to play in that moment fully so that others could benefit.
You are good enough for what is in front of you.
