Alignment...this is the word which keeps coming to me as I progress through this season.
Alignment...it involves more than knowing something about the Lord and about the season He has you in and the words He's speaking into you. When you align with a group or person or idea, you're not only believing it but you also choose to be in it. It's almost an abiding that occurs as you possess this idea, thing, person more and more within your being. It's a gradual process, but its very deep--all encompassing.
It's what happens through dating as you move towards becoming one. You gradually are finding that every bit of you aligns with them and at the end of a long process of being known and getting to know, you are finally one. Possessed by them, in a sense, in the best way, as your two lives are now joined--every bit of who you are and who they are filled in with each other and you continue to build this oneness throughout your whole lives.
Marriage: a constant aligning.
Alignment: the most beautiful and sacred process, but also the most perilous...for I find that I can align where I am not supposed to, and I have to ask the Lord to pull me back.
And the beautiful thing is, He does. We don't even have to strive but just lay back against His chest (as a song I'm listening to right now by Jenn Johnson says--perfect timing! haha). He knows how to constantly realigning us with Himself so that we find our lives--in whatever way they have gone a little bit out of whack--coming into true alignment and finding life as He breathes His strength, joy, hope, whatever you need into the place where you are, the struggle, the misalignment...
I'm not saying that it happens quickly or easily in any way (some things must be brought to Him again and again, over and over, day after day) but He does not mind the struggle the way that we do. He even celebrates it, because as we don't give up and keep bringing our struggle to Him, it creates intimacy. Your struggle can actually be the best thing for your relationship with God because it creates this healthy reliance that brings Him such joy and leads in the end to your peace. And as you are comforted, over and over, you learn how to bring His comfort to others who have been struggling.
We talked through relationships this week with a lovely couple, originally from Washington, now living in Budapest with their 16-month-old son (he came with them--what a joy!). They were honest about their struggles and guided us through discussions on sex, marriage, stewardship, legacy and conflict resolution. It was a packed week with a lot of good confirmation in my life as well as realizing how much better I can do relationships (with the Lord's help). I have been a mess sometimes, but this alignment with the Lord and an understanding of myself, where I have come from and why I have reacted to life the way I have is both beautiful and hopeful--I won't stay where I have been and I am aligning with the King of the Universe for the best in my future.
I am a little life, but He cares dearly for me.
May I ever align with You, Lord. Thank You for the grace in my untangling.
Showing posts with label encouragement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label encouragement. Show all posts
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Thursday, May 14, 2015
The Shape of Loss
I used to believe that pain was
mutually exclusive—unable to be shared because of its breadth and width and
length. Like an earthquake: the magnitude exponentially increased and at the
same rate, so did its ability to be understood and shared with another. So the
bigger the loss, the further beyond explanation, reasoning and ability to share
it went—until at some point the one who was feeling the pain (call them the
paine—haha) could not share at all what was happening inside them, only suffer
the loss in silence while others looked on—or even worse, at some point others
around them would have no idea that they were in pain and therefore wouldn’t
try to connect with them.
That was how I lived…so I reasoned
it must be the same, that this rule I had created in my head about my pain was
how everyone lived: bottled up, growing more and more unhappy, searching for
answers but beyond able to believe they were out there. A hell of my own
making. It’s how I lived through loving Haiti and various other challenges in
my life.
Until it became true—the pain was
so excruciating around my heart that I was locked into silence. Radio silence.
Inside a screaming wall, urging to be released but with a mindset that had me believing:
“No one can understand this. I have to face this alone—they can’t understand
it. This is my burden to bear.”
Until it became too much and the
floodgates (thank God!) opened as I learned that others around me are capable
of and knowledgeable about pain—the situations are so different (true) but the
same God is in the midst, teaching us how to have joy in Him, how to see His
face in the middle of the world breaking (thinking of the Haiti earthquake) and
choosing to love us through.
Pain—it is not mutually
exclusive—it is universal. It is not for ignoring and numbing into silence…the
Lord God who created the earth and every hair on my head sees my pain…and He
has made this world for FULLY LIVING—in the joy, the death, the hope, the
resurrection. Not pushing down and visualizing outside of our pain as some
religions teach, but entering in, with Him, feeling the shape of it, the depth
and width and breadth and the tang and smell and hope in it…the way it moves us
toward to a better country, helps us see that we are not alone: there are a lot
of people right here with us too. As His followers, I believe we are called to
be the ones who live present tense before those who do not yet know His name:
showing the grace of God and the agony of life in the way we walk out every
painful circumstance in our life that they may not only learn to mourn with us
and enter in, but they may also see: life is hard, just because you have
Christ, that does not end. But life is worth living and worth fully living
because when (not if, but when) you start hitting that pain, you also start
hitting that joy: the joy of knowing that there is a Saviour who goes before
you, to clear the nails and grit out of the way and show you His love, even in
the middle of the worst circumstances. When you lose your job…when your
children betray you…when your hope seems lost—the one thing you kept near and
dear in your heart is finally heartbreakingly free…The world will see how you
deal with your pain—they’ll see the shape of your loss before their eyes—and when
the grace of God comes in and overwhelms you with its goodness, it’ll overwhelm
them too.
So let the shape of your loss be
seen, live out your pain, in grace, in the middle of your life and those
watching—they will never be the same.
Because they’ll see Him there,
carrying it for you on a cross, and they’ll want the same.
This is indeed the Deepest Hunger…
Monday, May 5, 2014
Stop the Lies--You're Missing Jesus
I'm really not okay--and I'm okay with it.
I keep running across this concept that we teach each other--and our children--and expect socially (especially in the church) to be liars. It's not intentional, it's no ones fault, it's just the way things fall out so often…to be truly honest, vulnerable and real about what's going on in your life is often not a good/healthy thing to express to people you barely know--and sometimes, that's what the people at church are…people you barely know. Again, I'm not judging or stating that this is how it is in every church (I have certainly found that this is not true in many instances) but it does exist. There is a culture among church folk of pretending everything is okay, when it's not, just to get through a service. We need to address it and we need to talk about it.
1) Being unknown by your church body
I think this is an epidemic and an area where we need to step forward with light. We were taught by Jesus to love one another--but it is also true that true love for someone comes as a result of getting to know them deeply and still accepting them--flaws, weirdness and all. In our culture, we so often don't step forward past the image and the Facebook posts…it's almost as though we intentionally block each other out at a certain point so that we won't step on each others toes or feel weird. It comes down to not feeling comfortable being vulnerable with each other--and this has to change. For the health of our culture, our churches and our society as a whole we need to be known. It's just a basic human need that is currently not being met many places--I pray we learn, as followers of Christ, to step out and be willing to look foolish in order to love.
2) Feeling unsafe
The miracle of love also comes as a result of trusting--if trust has not been built into a congregation, it's very likely that true, deep relationships are not forming amidst church members. It's true, there are times and places where we should not express all that is going on in our hearts (wailing in the middle of the lobby will look weird) but…there has to be some place where we go deep: we get to issues, bring them out into the light and see them for what they are. If your church is devoid of opportunities for people to at least meet in homes and hopefully receive prayer as well as counseling…if that does not exist yet…it just should. And I'm not talking about putting all of this on the pastor's back--that was never the plan from the beginning and we shouldn't live pretending that the pastor is a massive turtle who can carry everyone on his back--he just can't! And if your pastor is a demigod in your eyes--look out! You, my friend, need and should pray to really encounter Jesus, you'll be blown away! Tangent over: God has created many people who exist in the church body and they all have little hidden talents tucked away inside or ready to be released--whatever it is, they are able and willing and need just a little bit of empowerment and mentorship to have all that is hidden within them exploded outward into a glorious bit of heaven on earth. Why have we not tapped/mined this potential earlier? You tell me! I am seeing churches wake up to the joy and beauty within their own congregation and whole cities are on the verge of change because of it. Join us! There's a broken, desperate world and we are the ones who bring Jesus! Let us march forward into this task with thanksgiving in our hearts as well as a lot of prayer. Look out for joy (as well as shared suffering--which Christ asked of us) as we move forward into being the safe, hopeful places Jesus always meant us to be.
3) Needing to please others to feel accepted
Forget it. Forget it all. Stop trying to make other people like you--IT'S NOT WORKING. And all that you are trying to find by mining it out of another person (love, affection, all your desperate needs and desires that you beg to be filled) can only find their true satisfaction and source in the one who made you full of them--Jesus, God, Holy Spirit. Anywhere else and it is a sad--though often beautiful--charade: you acting out your part while all the others try to keep up their end of the deal until it all falls in like a house of cards. Stop the irritating merry-go-round and ask Jesus to fill you with His love, really fill you--He won't let you down. And the people in your life will be so glad you did--you'll stop trying to manipulate them to serve your purposes, control them to become who you want them to be and judging them for choosing to do as they know they should do despite your pressures. I learned this the hard way, the backwards way…the way most of us do. But thank God! He can make even our greatest sins and failures into something beautiful if we finally learn to be honest with Him and others. Don't keep all that's eating you up inside inside anymore--often Christ's love will manifest itself powerfully through the love that other believers show. Why would you keep yourself from this opportunity--both to show love to the hurting and be willing to receive love when you are hurting. Stop pretending it's alright--let go--and find that others can accept you--RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, JUST AS YOU ARE.
4) Hypocrisy now
A few of my family members left the church because of this--for whatever reason, love was not modeled to them and all they could see when they walked through the door of a church was a lot of fake people greeting each other with fake smiles and pretending the world was okay--and it's not. The world is not okay by a long shot, so why the $%#$ would you believe in a good God? They were smart, they walked away. I understand why they made that choice on some level but on a deeper level I just grieve. I grieve the men and women that only knew fake smiles from church folk and couldn't stand to be real with their pain in front of people who seemed so perfect. So I plead, on behalf of them, those I love dearly and long for: that they would know truth; that they would see Jesus for who He is and find all their wounds and lies healed in Him, finally safe in His arms--I plead with you, be real. Be hopeful and good and holy--but be real. Feel your pain and share it in small groups, with people who know and love you, in the middle of your journey as you travel in the car and wonder over this crazy, good, perfectly broken life--show that Jesus has a face and arms and understands suffering and reached out in the middle of it. Show that hope is tangible, in a man who came back after He died, not only defeating death for Himself but for all of us. Show them the One who walked among lepers--touching them even!--and healed prostitutes and saw the world as it was--and loved it. Show them Jesus. Show them love. They're waiting--just beyond those doors...
I keep running across this concept that we teach each other--and our children--and expect socially (especially in the church) to be liars. It's not intentional, it's no ones fault, it's just the way things fall out so often…to be truly honest, vulnerable and real about what's going on in your life is often not a good/healthy thing to express to people you barely know--and sometimes, that's what the people at church are…people you barely know. Again, I'm not judging or stating that this is how it is in every church (I have certainly found that this is not true in many instances) but it does exist. There is a culture among church folk of pretending everything is okay, when it's not, just to get through a service. We need to address it and we need to talk about it.
1) Being unknown by your church body
I think this is an epidemic and an area where we need to step forward with light. We were taught by Jesus to love one another--but it is also true that true love for someone comes as a result of getting to know them deeply and still accepting them--flaws, weirdness and all. In our culture, we so often don't step forward past the image and the Facebook posts…it's almost as though we intentionally block each other out at a certain point so that we won't step on each others toes or feel weird. It comes down to not feeling comfortable being vulnerable with each other--and this has to change. For the health of our culture, our churches and our society as a whole we need to be known. It's just a basic human need that is currently not being met many places--I pray we learn, as followers of Christ, to step out and be willing to look foolish in order to love.
2) Feeling unsafe
The miracle of love also comes as a result of trusting--if trust has not been built into a congregation, it's very likely that true, deep relationships are not forming amidst church members. It's true, there are times and places where we should not express all that is going on in our hearts (wailing in the middle of the lobby will look weird) but…there has to be some place where we go deep: we get to issues, bring them out into the light and see them for what they are. If your church is devoid of opportunities for people to at least meet in homes and hopefully receive prayer as well as counseling…if that does not exist yet…it just should. And I'm not talking about putting all of this on the pastor's back--that was never the plan from the beginning and we shouldn't live pretending that the pastor is a massive turtle who can carry everyone on his back--he just can't! And if your pastor is a demigod in your eyes--look out! You, my friend, need and should pray to really encounter Jesus, you'll be blown away! Tangent over: God has created many people who exist in the church body and they all have little hidden talents tucked away inside or ready to be released--whatever it is, they are able and willing and need just a little bit of empowerment and mentorship to have all that is hidden within them exploded outward into a glorious bit of heaven on earth. Why have we not tapped/mined this potential earlier? You tell me! I am seeing churches wake up to the joy and beauty within their own congregation and whole cities are on the verge of change because of it. Join us! There's a broken, desperate world and we are the ones who bring Jesus! Let us march forward into this task with thanksgiving in our hearts as well as a lot of prayer. Look out for joy (as well as shared suffering--which Christ asked of us) as we move forward into being the safe, hopeful places Jesus always meant us to be.
3) Needing to please others to feel accepted
Forget it. Forget it all. Stop trying to make other people like you--IT'S NOT WORKING. And all that you are trying to find by mining it out of another person (love, affection, all your desperate needs and desires that you beg to be filled) can only find their true satisfaction and source in the one who made you full of them--Jesus, God, Holy Spirit. Anywhere else and it is a sad--though often beautiful--charade: you acting out your part while all the others try to keep up their end of the deal until it all falls in like a house of cards. Stop the irritating merry-go-round and ask Jesus to fill you with His love, really fill you--He won't let you down. And the people in your life will be so glad you did--you'll stop trying to manipulate them to serve your purposes, control them to become who you want them to be and judging them for choosing to do as they know they should do despite your pressures. I learned this the hard way, the backwards way…the way most of us do. But thank God! He can make even our greatest sins and failures into something beautiful if we finally learn to be honest with Him and others. Don't keep all that's eating you up inside inside anymore--often Christ's love will manifest itself powerfully through the love that other believers show. Why would you keep yourself from this opportunity--both to show love to the hurting and be willing to receive love when you are hurting. Stop pretending it's alright--let go--and find that others can accept you--RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, JUST AS YOU ARE.
4) Hypocrisy now
A few of my family members left the church because of this--for whatever reason, love was not modeled to them and all they could see when they walked through the door of a church was a lot of fake people greeting each other with fake smiles and pretending the world was okay--and it's not. The world is not okay by a long shot, so why the $%#$ would you believe in a good God? They were smart, they walked away. I understand why they made that choice on some level but on a deeper level I just grieve. I grieve the men and women that only knew fake smiles from church folk and couldn't stand to be real with their pain in front of people who seemed so perfect. So I plead, on behalf of them, those I love dearly and long for: that they would know truth; that they would see Jesus for who He is and find all their wounds and lies healed in Him, finally safe in His arms--I plead with you, be real. Be hopeful and good and holy--but be real. Feel your pain and share it in small groups, with people who know and love you, in the middle of your journey as you travel in the car and wonder over this crazy, good, perfectly broken life--show that Jesus has a face and arms and understands suffering and reached out in the middle of it. Show that hope is tangible, in a man who came back after He died, not only defeating death for Himself but for all of us. Show them the One who walked among lepers--touching them even!--and healed prostitutes and saw the world as it was--and loved it. Show them Jesus. Show them love. They're waiting--just beyond those doors...
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
This is Really Long--Don't Read It Unless You Want to Believe in the Change Jesus Brings! :P
"As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God.
When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work
within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a
harvest of sinful deeds, resulting in death. But now we have been
released from the law, for we died to it and and are no longer captive
to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way by obeying the
letter of the law, but in the new way of living by the Spirit."
(Romans 7:4b-6)
Excuse me for a moment whilst I process my year...
Twenty-four--that was not a year I missed saying farewell too...it seemed to all go on forever with no hope in sight. I think I learned, as Abraham had to, to trust in God's promises even when there seemed no end in sight...no land to journey to, no son to see grow up, no dream blossoming...
Endurance produces...what was that again? Hope? Ha. How I learned the truth of that extraordinary statement. I think I'm realizing evermore that so much of our lives must be lived out supernaturally, supremely apart from what we realize/think we are able to do. This new life of the Spirit--a completely new way of living--is really the way we must go if we want to have anything to do with Jesus and His kingdom. Because its all--backwards and not upside down, but illogical: gaining hope from being in a place of despair; forgiving when there is no earthly reason to; believing in resurrection for ourselves, these old bodies--it's all ludicrous in the best possible sense of the word. Love especially--love, especially, is a most insane, unimaginable concept. No, not romantic love that everyone is obsessed with--but that ability to continue to hope in and long for someone who completely shuns you again and again. Reaching out to that person over and over even while they reject you...that's love.
Isn't that insane?
But that's what Jesus is, that's what He offers. To every person that could possibly ever choose to follow Him (and that's all of us) He extends His love, His forgiveness, His very life--and He asks us to do the same.
It is insane--because if you try to do this--really love someone despite how they treat you--you will end up in abusive, co-dependent, broken relationships...and no one wants that! So no one loves that way--or do they?
See the trick is--the catch, the gist of it all, the way I have learned from my own Father--this centerpiece of all that encompasses a life giving away to Christ--is that we don't do the loving.
Hear it again--it's not your job to do the loving.
Well, God is love and if we know God then we know love and if you don't have love then you don't have love, so I have to muster up the love for this other person, right?
Wrong.
We love because He first loved us.
This is love, not that we loved God but that He first loved us and sent His Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us.
Can we just live here for a moment? Catch that last verse from 1 John--as we love one another, God dwells, abides, lives it out through us and that love (which came from Him in the first place!) gets perfected in us.
I've needed to hear this every day of my life and live here and I will die here--waiting for God to come and fill up my life so that I quit scrounging and trying to show enough love...finally believing in the fullest sense that Jesus came not to perfect me, but to love through me and the change of me becoming more and more like His Son suddenly gets wrought as I go about the ordinary task of loving Him alone by loving all those around me as He lives through me.
I'm sure I'm off theologically at some point in the middle of this vast understanding that I am trying to pinpoint into a few words. Beloved, forgive me for it and move on. Just realize for a moment with me the grace that this Pharisee-ical little girl has learned and be in awe of the God who would take the time to wrought that change. I am not the same--all my perfecting and needing others around me to perform has slowly died away in the flame of being broken enough to just know Him. He loved me in the middle of my mess, when I had absolutely nothing to offer--and I will spend my whole life learning how to live out a life filled with a love like that--a life leaning into my Father's arms and feeding others out of the abundance of that embrace.
It's amazing the little places you'll go to--and the things that the Lord will teach you there. The endurance, hope, love--they don't get learned on the big stage when you're feeling really important. The hope of your life, the truth of it and who the Lord is creating you to be--they come out of small moments, lived in the presence of family and friends, completely mundane and totally treasured. Don't be ashamed or deride the big stage and shiny lights--but live your life not around those edges but in a way which proclaims that even if those things were never available to you, you know that your life is good, worth living, full of Him.
That's what I learned this year--the hope when everything is failing comes because of the strength I find in Him, the joy in the midst of pain is present because He abides with me, I can keep climbing up this mountain, painful as it may be, because He's offering His hand to me. I don't have a lot at this point in my life, but all I have finds its origin in Him and that makes it exceedingly worth more than all the riches I could recieve. And given the choice, He knows what I'd choose.
A friend made the comment when I was talking over a bit of my year, "You're in missionary training." I laughed a little, but only because its true. I don't think even I will understand the gifts He's placed in me by teaching me how to live out through this year.
Because I wanted to run and cry and quit--so many times. I couldn't. I had no options--I had to face the reality of my life as it came and be honest about it and keep moving forward even when everything in me wanted to leave. To be honest, I screwed up a lot. Hurt people. Would have left had I had any options. But He stayed me, rescued me time and time again, practiced forgiveness through me, taught me to be an intercessor, changed me, ransomed me from the dead and restored me. Who I am now is stronger, more hopeful than who I was when I began twenty-four.
I wouldn't live those years again if you paid me (or did anything for me! ha!) but I would never trade the character, endurance, presence...
"Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ."
(1 Corinthians 1:7)
It's weird--I've never read this verse before, to my knowledge. But running across it this morning, the truth of it stuck in me--I have everything I could ever possibly need for every day ahead because of the access I have to Jesus and the truth of what He--the ever faithful one--is doing in me. I've only had a taste of the glory which is to come--and it only makes me thirst that much more.
like this song by Brooke Fraser says:
if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
i can only conclude that I was not made for here...
"He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on that day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns."
(I Corinthians 1:8)
There's something about the steadfast grace of God that keeps me running forward, with such hope! It makes me think of a vision I had once of me and my future husband (wherever you are!!!). We were running forward with all the strength we had, each of us with a hand in Jesus'...there was such joy in the exchange--I never even saw who it was on the other side of Jesus (I really didn't want to, yet) but I knew that our lives were about staying close to each other through our life in Jesus and He was the One propelling us forward. That no matter what came, He would link us together, enable us to keep running forward, joy and hope in our faces no matter the circumstances. Himself--so present with us...even in the middle of this terrible season, I somehow knew, deep in me past what anyone could say/convince me of, no matter how they spoke despair, no matter how stagnant it got--I just knew He was faithful--and it enabled me to keep going.
The dark night...all I had at times was a heart still burning for Him--and it was enough.
"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit."
(Romans 8:5)
I think for some reason this verse became alive in a different way through this year--somehow or other I had always missed--or maybe hadn't had to live on close proximity with--people who were so willing to live in darkness, be dominated by what was controlling them and not see the harm it was doing. I learned compassion and forgiveness in a big way by seeing people through this--just being so aware that the reason they acted the way they did was almost not a conscious thing on their part--they didn't mean to damage you so bluntly, knife thrusts of words--they just didn't know any other way. So you had to learn not to be dead toward them, but to keep peeling back your pain and disappointment and see them anew each day. It's still a struggle for me--loving in spite of the pain they cause--but as I said earlier, Jesus' love has been shown to me so new...and I mean, just recently. There's a newness in me, a profound declaration wrought by the pain that the Lord is completely pleased with me as I do my best, working out of His supernatural love, to extend love to the broken. It becomes such a beautiful thing--and they often have no idea how to respond--but its not about them and me anymore--its about what Jesus wants to show off through His kids--and that's His love! He wants Himself, His beautiful character of seeing beauty in the pain and calling forth hope out of brokenness to become a part of all we do. I for one am jumping on board.
"God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord."
(I Corinthians 1:9)
I mean, partnership with Jesus (perfect words for what it is) who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want the nearness, the darling blessedness of being one of His own and operating in His love? No more striving on my part to become all I was made to be, crying out of fear, "Use me, God!" lest He forget about me and all I did turned out to not be enough for Him. No, I have learned a new way, a reliance on His tender care and a darling hope into all of His promises--because a promise, unlike a contract, cannot be broken (read Romans 4 in the Message--it'll change your life!). I live in the risky faith embrace of trusting in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself--for me. I don't count His grace as something which is to be taken lightly--its what saved me, sustains me and will bring me into my forevermore. He's faithful for that!
"So, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the point: you died to the power of the law when you died with Christ. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead."
(Romans 7:4a)
A re-uniting...no, no, just a uniting--what you never had before because of sin becomes fully yours, fully possible because of what Jesus did for us. This year I proclaim His faithfulness, His power to release us from the grave, His utter ability to show up in whatever you called "dead" in your life and bring full life, better life than you could ever have proclaimed over it, to come springing up like a well-tended vine. It's all Him in you, no mustering up or being enough--but relaxing into what He is doing in the world and simply choosing to meet with Him there. Its such a more graceful way of life, its truly life--its what He has for you! Just seek...
"The message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God."
(I Corinthians 1:18)
There was a moment, on the eve of my 25th birthday, when I lost it all. I mourned what had been, all the destruction, despair and hopelessness that had filled the year that was now behind me. I wailed, crying like I don't think I've ever cried, because this past year was just so hard to live through. Words can't describe and so that night the groans that Romans 8 talks about came out--deep anguish over what was lost, a grieving.
"And Christ lives within you so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God. The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you."
(Romans 8:10-11)
I woke up the next morning and the love of God--which I had been crying out for, longing for, had a desprate need for--because I knew that I did not have within myself the capacity to love as He did, did not even know how to go about loving in this way that He commanded all throughout 1 John 4--suddenly it was there. I was just wrapped up in the love of God in a way that cannot make sense unless you have known that full assurance, peace--I suddenly knew beyond doubt that I had all I needed, the full depths of who He was, like in a way that's past knowing. It was just a part of who I was (am) now.
"So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the worlds brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish."
(I Corinthians 1:20)
It was something new in me--God blessing and filling me up and reminding me that He is very present, ever present on the Earth--and that as I seek I will find, all I need is in Him, that even the worst that I can do will be covered by this love and that should I seek Him my whole life I will never come to the end of the goodness that is Him, all that he longs to pour out into me and through me. Like a good friend said last night, "We're not a pond, we're a hose." All that He is can flow out of my life and bless others as I rest and abide in Him allowing Him to reach out through me. It's good...and it won't make sense to anyone unless they are in Him! And He invites us into all that goodness, no matter where we are!
"So God did what the law could not do. He sent His own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sins control over us by giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins."
(Romans 8:3b)
25 is a new year--beyond reaching a pivotal birthday into realizing that I can face anything from this point forward and it will be cake. I have hit and lived through the worst that a life can offer you. Jesus has shown up solid and become such a deep part of who I am that to separate would be to take the very life away from me--and you just can't do that! He rose from the dead--and so will I! It's bizarre how far this year has taken me--and I haven't traveled more than 8 hours from my home at any period during this time...
"But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength."
(I Corinthians 1:24-25)
Mexico was like a culmination of all that year--a chance to stretch my wings and realize that the cage I had been living in for so long was starting to rattle--God was on His way, up to something, whispering on the wind. I'm stretching my wings, dreaming, anticipating, so fully hoping in the God who has taken a little bird who might have always claimed she was only a songbird and declaring over her life that she is an eagle, she has great strength, that what she carries changes atmospheres, people's life directions, hope--she just brings it, a result of a deep connection and abiding in the Father who speaks such strength and grace into all His children. She will be His beauty on display in a way most people have never seen--and don't be afraid of it! Lean in ever closer, and carry my heart, O my daughter.
"Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God."
(Romans 8:13-14)
I will do whatever I will do, says the Lord, it matters not what you think I'm capable of or what you think I'm up to. I am the one who moves and breathes and gives life--the very life of the world. Any of you aligned with Jesus and living out this life in His life have no idea what you are in for! This life changed the world, gave wind to sweep under your wings (Holy Spirit) and went through (is still going through) the whole world. Do you think that has ended? Do you think that it could ever end?
Jump in--no telling what we'll see, only sure thing: Jesus is King and He does as He pleases.
What hope!!!
"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God."
(I Corinthians 1:26-29)
I am so aware of how incapable I am--but monstrously absorbed in the fact that God can do as He likes through a life laid down. This is powerful, wholesome, stake-your-life-on-it truth...may it be the truth that changes your world as you walk through this life with Him, fully aware of His grace and how much hope He longs to bring into this broken world. If He can make me, in the middle of all my unknown circumstances and whatevers!!! trust--the one who used to be so fear-filled and worry haunted--if He can break me down enough to believe and fully walk in all He has for me--just think of what He can do in you! Never put the limits on Him--practice letting go! Letting go is having an insignificant faith--a faith that lays down all it has ever believed about what we think He can do and then laid down all that we think He should do in us or others and just chosen to have our vision expanded, our love (and ability) to love change and has been set free into believing that anything is possible and Jesus is at work everywhere. Do you live that way? Does your life proclaim an effortless, totally able God? Expand your vision of yourself, those around you and the Lord you serve! And if you have gone through utter brokenness--as I have this year--rejoice in it, for you know He is in the middle of it!
I was in Yosemite last Tuesday, reveling in sunshine, flowers and the delight of knowing my God. I went (for the first time in I don't know how many visits to Yosemite) into the little chapel on the valley floor and just had a moment of thankfulness and praise before the Lord. He has made my life come alight even in the middle of the crazy that was this year--I was even sitting in a pool of sunshine in that little chapel--and I know that that will continue to be the reality of my life in Him. No matter what we may be going through, we live our lives out in the sunshine of His love. That's where all this beautiful life comes through...
(Romans 7:4b-6)
Excuse me for a moment whilst I process my year...
Twenty-four--that was not a year I missed saying farewell too...it seemed to all go on forever with no hope in sight. I think I learned, as Abraham had to, to trust in God's promises even when there seemed no end in sight...no land to journey to, no son to see grow up, no dream blossoming...
Endurance produces...what was that again? Hope? Ha. How I learned the truth of that extraordinary statement. I think I'm realizing evermore that so much of our lives must be lived out supernaturally, supremely apart from what we realize/think we are able to do. This new life of the Spirit--a completely new way of living--is really the way we must go if we want to have anything to do with Jesus and His kingdom. Because its all--backwards and not upside down, but illogical: gaining hope from being in a place of despair; forgiving when there is no earthly reason to; believing in resurrection for ourselves, these old bodies--it's all ludicrous in the best possible sense of the word. Love especially--love, especially, is a most insane, unimaginable concept. No, not romantic love that everyone is obsessed with--but that ability to continue to hope in and long for someone who completely shuns you again and again. Reaching out to that person over and over even while they reject you...that's love.
Isn't that insane?
But that's what Jesus is, that's what He offers. To every person that could possibly ever choose to follow Him (and that's all of us) He extends His love, His forgiveness, His very life--and He asks us to do the same.
It is insane--because if you try to do this--really love someone despite how they treat you--you will end up in abusive, co-dependent, broken relationships...and no one wants that! So no one loves that way--or do they?
See the trick is--the catch, the gist of it all, the way I have learned from my own Father--this centerpiece of all that encompasses a life giving away to Christ--is that we don't do the loving.
Hear it again--it's not your job to do the loving.
Well, God is love and if we know God then we know love and if you don't have love then you don't have love, so I have to muster up the love for this other person, right?
Wrong.
We love because He first loved us.
This is love, not that we loved God but that He first loved us and sent His Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us.
Can we just live here for a moment? Catch that last verse from 1 John--as we love one another, God dwells, abides, lives it out through us and that love (which came from Him in the first place!) gets perfected in us.
I've needed to hear this every day of my life and live here and I will die here--waiting for God to come and fill up my life so that I quit scrounging and trying to show enough love...finally believing in the fullest sense that Jesus came not to perfect me, but to love through me and the change of me becoming more and more like His Son suddenly gets wrought as I go about the ordinary task of loving Him alone by loving all those around me as He lives through me.
I'm sure I'm off theologically at some point in the middle of this vast understanding that I am trying to pinpoint into a few words. Beloved, forgive me for it and move on. Just realize for a moment with me the grace that this Pharisee-ical little girl has learned and be in awe of the God who would take the time to wrought that change. I am not the same--all my perfecting and needing others around me to perform has slowly died away in the flame of being broken enough to just know Him. He loved me in the middle of my mess, when I had absolutely nothing to offer--and I will spend my whole life learning how to live out a life filled with a love like that--a life leaning into my Father's arms and feeding others out of the abundance of that embrace.
It's amazing the little places you'll go to--and the things that the Lord will teach you there. The endurance, hope, love--they don't get learned on the big stage when you're feeling really important. The hope of your life, the truth of it and who the Lord is creating you to be--they come out of small moments, lived in the presence of family and friends, completely mundane and totally treasured. Don't be ashamed or deride the big stage and shiny lights--but live your life not around those edges but in a way which proclaims that even if those things were never available to you, you know that your life is good, worth living, full of Him.
That's what I learned this year--the hope when everything is failing comes because of the strength I find in Him, the joy in the midst of pain is present because He abides with me, I can keep climbing up this mountain, painful as it may be, because He's offering His hand to me. I don't have a lot at this point in my life, but all I have finds its origin in Him and that makes it exceedingly worth more than all the riches I could recieve. And given the choice, He knows what I'd choose.
A friend made the comment when I was talking over a bit of my year, "You're in missionary training." I laughed a little, but only because its true. I don't think even I will understand the gifts He's placed in me by teaching me how to live out through this year.
Because I wanted to run and cry and quit--so many times. I couldn't. I had no options--I had to face the reality of my life as it came and be honest about it and keep moving forward even when everything in me wanted to leave. To be honest, I screwed up a lot. Hurt people. Would have left had I had any options. But He stayed me, rescued me time and time again, practiced forgiveness through me, taught me to be an intercessor, changed me, ransomed me from the dead and restored me. Who I am now is stronger, more hopeful than who I was when I began twenty-four.
I wouldn't live those years again if you paid me (or did anything for me! ha!) but I would never trade the character, endurance, presence...
"Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ."
(1 Corinthians 1:7)
It's weird--I've never read this verse before, to my knowledge. But running across it this morning, the truth of it stuck in me--I have everything I could ever possibly need for every day ahead because of the access I have to Jesus and the truth of what He--the ever faithful one--is doing in me. I've only had a taste of the glory which is to come--and it only makes me thirst that much more.
like this song by Brooke Fraser says:
if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
i can only conclude that I was not made for here...
"He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on that day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns."
(I Corinthians 1:8)
There's something about the steadfast grace of God that keeps me running forward, with such hope! It makes me think of a vision I had once of me and my future husband (wherever you are!!!). We were running forward with all the strength we had, each of us with a hand in Jesus'...there was such joy in the exchange--I never even saw who it was on the other side of Jesus (I really didn't want to, yet) but I knew that our lives were about staying close to each other through our life in Jesus and He was the One propelling us forward. That no matter what came, He would link us together, enable us to keep running forward, joy and hope in our faces no matter the circumstances. Himself--so present with us...even in the middle of this terrible season, I somehow knew, deep in me past what anyone could say/convince me of, no matter how they spoke despair, no matter how stagnant it got--I just knew He was faithful--and it enabled me to keep going.
The dark night...all I had at times was a heart still burning for Him--and it was enough.
"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit."
(Romans 8:5)
I think for some reason this verse became alive in a different way through this year--somehow or other I had always missed--or maybe hadn't had to live on close proximity with--people who were so willing to live in darkness, be dominated by what was controlling them and not see the harm it was doing. I learned compassion and forgiveness in a big way by seeing people through this--just being so aware that the reason they acted the way they did was almost not a conscious thing on their part--they didn't mean to damage you so bluntly, knife thrusts of words--they just didn't know any other way. So you had to learn not to be dead toward them, but to keep peeling back your pain and disappointment and see them anew each day. It's still a struggle for me--loving in spite of the pain they cause--but as I said earlier, Jesus' love has been shown to me so new...and I mean, just recently. There's a newness in me, a profound declaration wrought by the pain that the Lord is completely pleased with me as I do my best, working out of His supernatural love, to extend love to the broken. It becomes such a beautiful thing--and they often have no idea how to respond--but its not about them and me anymore--its about what Jesus wants to show off through His kids--and that's His love! He wants Himself, His beautiful character of seeing beauty in the pain and calling forth hope out of brokenness to become a part of all we do. I for one am jumping on board.
"God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord."
(I Corinthians 1:9)
I mean, partnership with Jesus (perfect words for what it is) who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want the nearness, the darling blessedness of being one of His own and operating in His love? No more striving on my part to become all I was made to be, crying out of fear, "Use me, God!" lest He forget about me and all I did turned out to not be enough for Him. No, I have learned a new way, a reliance on His tender care and a darling hope into all of His promises--because a promise, unlike a contract, cannot be broken (read Romans 4 in the Message--it'll change your life!). I live in the risky faith embrace of trusting in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself--for me. I don't count His grace as something which is to be taken lightly--its what saved me, sustains me and will bring me into my forevermore. He's faithful for that!
"So, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the point: you died to the power of the law when you died with Christ. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead."
(Romans 7:4a)
A re-uniting...no, no, just a uniting--what you never had before because of sin becomes fully yours, fully possible because of what Jesus did for us. This year I proclaim His faithfulness, His power to release us from the grave, His utter ability to show up in whatever you called "dead" in your life and bring full life, better life than you could ever have proclaimed over it, to come springing up like a well-tended vine. It's all Him in you, no mustering up or being enough--but relaxing into what He is doing in the world and simply choosing to meet with Him there. Its such a more graceful way of life, its truly life--its what He has for you! Just seek...
"The message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God."
(I Corinthians 1:18)
There was a moment, on the eve of my 25th birthday, when I lost it all. I mourned what had been, all the destruction, despair and hopelessness that had filled the year that was now behind me. I wailed, crying like I don't think I've ever cried, because this past year was just so hard to live through. Words can't describe and so that night the groans that Romans 8 talks about came out--deep anguish over what was lost, a grieving.
"And Christ lives within you so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God. The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you."
(Romans 8:10-11)
I woke up the next morning and the love of God--which I had been crying out for, longing for, had a desprate need for--because I knew that I did not have within myself the capacity to love as He did, did not even know how to go about loving in this way that He commanded all throughout 1 John 4--suddenly it was there. I was just wrapped up in the love of God in a way that cannot make sense unless you have known that full assurance, peace--I suddenly knew beyond doubt that I had all I needed, the full depths of who He was, like in a way that's past knowing. It was just a part of who I was (am) now.
"So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the worlds brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish."
(I Corinthians 1:20)
It was something new in me--God blessing and filling me up and reminding me that He is very present, ever present on the Earth--and that as I seek I will find, all I need is in Him, that even the worst that I can do will be covered by this love and that should I seek Him my whole life I will never come to the end of the goodness that is Him, all that he longs to pour out into me and through me. Like a good friend said last night, "We're not a pond, we're a hose." All that He is can flow out of my life and bless others as I rest and abide in Him allowing Him to reach out through me. It's good...and it won't make sense to anyone unless they are in Him! And He invites us into all that goodness, no matter where we are!
"So God did what the law could not do. He sent His own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sins control over us by giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins."
(Romans 8:3b)
25 is a new year--beyond reaching a pivotal birthday into realizing that I can face anything from this point forward and it will be cake. I have hit and lived through the worst that a life can offer you. Jesus has shown up solid and become such a deep part of who I am that to separate would be to take the very life away from me--and you just can't do that! He rose from the dead--and so will I! It's bizarre how far this year has taken me--and I haven't traveled more than 8 hours from my home at any period during this time...
"But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength."
(I Corinthians 1:24-25)
Mexico was like a culmination of all that year--a chance to stretch my wings and realize that the cage I had been living in for so long was starting to rattle--God was on His way, up to something, whispering on the wind. I'm stretching my wings, dreaming, anticipating, so fully hoping in the God who has taken a little bird who might have always claimed she was only a songbird and declaring over her life that she is an eagle, she has great strength, that what she carries changes atmospheres, people's life directions, hope--she just brings it, a result of a deep connection and abiding in the Father who speaks such strength and grace into all His children. She will be His beauty on display in a way most people have never seen--and don't be afraid of it! Lean in ever closer, and carry my heart, O my daughter.
"Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God."
(Romans 8:13-14)
I will do whatever I will do, says the Lord, it matters not what you think I'm capable of or what you think I'm up to. I am the one who moves and breathes and gives life--the very life of the world. Any of you aligned with Jesus and living out this life in His life have no idea what you are in for! This life changed the world, gave wind to sweep under your wings (Holy Spirit) and went through (is still going through) the whole world. Do you think that has ended? Do you think that it could ever end?
Jump in--no telling what we'll see, only sure thing: Jesus is King and He does as He pleases.
What hope!!!
"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God."
(I Corinthians 1:26-29)
I am so aware of how incapable I am--but monstrously absorbed in the fact that God can do as He likes through a life laid down. This is powerful, wholesome, stake-your-life-on-it truth...may it be the truth that changes your world as you walk through this life with Him, fully aware of His grace and how much hope He longs to bring into this broken world. If He can make me, in the middle of all my unknown circumstances and whatevers!!! trust--the one who used to be so fear-filled and worry haunted--if He can break me down enough to believe and fully walk in all He has for me--just think of what He can do in you! Never put the limits on Him--practice letting go! Letting go is having an insignificant faith--a faith that lays down all it has ever believed about what we think He can do and then laid down all that we think He should do in us or others and just chosen to have our vision expanded, our love (and ability) to love change and has been set free into believing that anything is possible and Jesus is at work everywhere. Do you live that way? Does your life proclaim an effortless, totally able God? Expand your vision of yourself, those around you and the Lord you serve! And if you have gone through utter brokenness--as I have this year--rejoice in it, for you know He is in the middle of it!
I was in Yosemite last Tuesday, reveling in sunshine, flowers and the delight of knowing my God. I went (for the first time in I don't know how many visits to Yosemite) into the little chapel on the valley floor and just had a moment of thankfulness and praise before the Lord. He has made my life come alight even in the middle of the crazy that was this year--I was even sitting in a pool of sunshine in that little chapel--and I know that that will continue to be the reality of my life in Him. No matter what we may be going through, we live our lives out in the sunshine of His love. That's where all this beautiful life comes through...
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Love of God
So much GOOD is happening...
I've never been in a place in my life before where so many people have spoken into me. I guess I've lived out my faith so much of the time in a very American way--in that it has always been individualized and all about me--now something is shifting. I don't neglect meeting with God alone on my own...but times of community worship and just being with people are helping me grow in knowing God in ways I never thought possible. For example, I meet a woman named Krista (and kept seeing her everywhere) who has been a missionary in Mongolia--she'll probably read this, Hi Krista!--and when I gave my testimony last Monday, she was so incredibly encouraging. I spoke about being in Haiti and the helplessness while you're there that can overwhelm you. I only lived in that for three weeks--she's been living in that for more than two years! I can't imagine...but it created such a strength in her and a reliance on God. She said she was encouraged by my testimony, but I am far more encouraged by her and her choice to follow God even when it was so hard...she has such a faith.
And that's just one source of encouragement: I feel as though I am literally surrounded by people who keep telling me what they see in me and what they see in my future, who sit with me as I cry though those deep woundings in my heart. It's just so amazing. I'm crying right now as I type it. God is so good...because around this time last year, I had no one speaking into my life--it was so lonely. And now...
It makes me wonder what is ahead. God knows going to Haiti will be hard...hearing from my friends when they get back from their mission trip to haiti this spring break will be hard. My heart will be broken again, I can feel it. God is so good, He's such a guider and a provider. He prepares me for what is ahead of me.
Watch this video of Haitians worshipping. I love them!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_l7bc1b2B3Y
A nation following after God...that is the dream (turning into a conviction) in my heart :)
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