How can you be filled and thirsty at the same time?
That's the paradox I am living out in this present moment...if I were to believe my emotions, I am tired and weary, far from my Love...but my reality is so different! Jesus keeps speaking and leading and filling and giving me such joy--the overwhelming, contagious kind that is His blessing and gift. I have to keep pushing past this defeat and this nagging sense of inability--have to keep pushing truth down my throat and then declaring it in a loud voice! Every moment feels like a mini-battle--but I know who the victor is in the end and so I'm not afraid.
Reading the journal entry below this one today made me cry--perhaps tears of relief. I know that no matter how I am feeling, the decision has already been made. I am His completely, for Him to do with as He wishes. And though it is hard, He will make a way for me where there is no way--He is the God who parted the Red Sea after all...human authority has no sway when He decides to move. If this is the God in charge of my life--and I surely know He is--then I can face my doubts and inabilities with a brilliant smile and the shout of a victor! He alone knows the path I should take and He who has been faithful from the beginning will not fail me now. The Lord is my fortress...the reason I stand confident. Though darkness surround me, He will be light for me...should all the forces of evil come against me, He will see me through to the victory.
And the thing is...we have to learn to fight. We have to learn to stand...and when we have nothing left, to stand. Sometimes I look out at my future--so uncertain and entirely out of my hands--and I tremble. The waiting has been so long and none of my hopes look likely to be fulfilled from any earthly perspective. But then I tune into His heart...and begin to listen to His words...and remember who He is...and that victory song, that song of praise can't help but begin to come forth! I am still standing and I will continue to stand, a song of praise issuing forth, for as long as He asks me to. I know that the moment will come when He will whisper, "Go" and my journey will begin, the race put in motion by and planned by Him. And that will be a glorious day--but as long as He has me singing on this hillside, waiting on Him as David did, as Paul, as Jesus Himself--I will rejoice that He has made this moment and all moments to come and I get to be His!
In every season...I am standing.
I am fighting.
I am rejoicing.
I am trusting.
I am waiting on Him...the beauty, the glory is on its way.
Can you see it? Look deep into the good in your life--you'll see Him.
