[Re]vision Your Life!

I was planning to get a lot done today--but maybe that's the wrong goal.

God's asking me to dream again--and really, it's bizarre for me--and I think that's a bad thing. It shows me up in ways that I don't want to be exposed. It makes me realize (and at the same moment forgive myself) for where I've let my heart be for the past few years.

It makes me take a step back and think again--who do I want to be? where do I see myself in ten years? what are my goals?

And it makes me realize just how disconnected I am from myself.

And I'm not shocked. And I know I'm not the only one. In fact, if we were all truly, unquenchingly honest--like a street-interview-because-no-ones-ever-going-to-see-this kind of honesty--we'd find that literally no one has a true clue about who they are and where they are headed.

And the ones who do, who "know that they know that they know"--they're powerful.

Because without a vision the people perish--hello! Who do you think that Proverb is about if it's not about American culture? We are so quick and plugged in and always constantly moving from place to place and event to event that our hearts have become distant realms that we never access (if anyone ever taught us to access them from the beginning).

My disconnect comes from a variety of factors--first of all, my life moving too fast. Secondly, environment--at times it was too caustic to let my heart be known. Thirdly, disappointment. I thought I knew the dreams of my heart and had vision but then it was too much...maybe I tried too hard to make it happen or had to narrow a view of my vision and when it didn't come about, it left me devastated and made me lose heart--and it's been hard to get all of that back.

So...while we're here...I'm going to do a little re-visioning (and I encourage you to do the same--it's good for your heart and the course of your life).

Revision: 1) brilliant marriage reflecting the love of the father and how He pursues His bride and sees her through the darkest nights 

[sidenote: okay, based on the specificity of this first one, maybe I am not so far from knowing my heart and the new vision the Lord has put into it...He's just been revising and I need to tune in...]

2) teaching in some form (English, school, the Bible)--teaching in any capacity that allows me to connect with others, learning about and speaking into their heart and the dreams therein

3) worship Him! either through dance, song or prayer--letting the Father's heart be known and loving others through connecting them to His heart

4) raise little people (really this next generation) up in the love, freedom and joy found in the Lord while helping them escape the schemes of the devil; which, in plain English, means everything thrown at them that tries to tear at their heart and destroy their lives. I know God has good planned for the earth and our children are going to experience it. [If I could, I'd be a stay at home mom, supporting my husband in his work and offering help in any way need to see him and his ministry thrive]

Alright...alright...alright...I do have vision (good to know). Now for the tricky part--how to pray through figuring out how to move forward specifically! AAHHHHH!

We'll get there--I'm exhausted and happy--but still have no clue about my future.

And that is okay.

I know who's I am and that's enough--because He's enough and He'll see me through.

My job is to stay connected to Him :)

On Spring[ing Into Life]

“For His invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.” Romans 1:18

I always say that if I hadn’t become a Christian, I would be a hippy. I have a let-me-wander-through-the-flowers-all-day, starstruck giddiness about the great outdoors and (almost) everything natural. If I want people to know anything, it’s the goodness of Him, but second to that and alternately (according to Romans 1:18) leading people toward the first, is the goodness of His creation. There’s something marvelous about how flowers choose to appear and blossom every spring, how all those seemingly dead trees all of a sudden come forth bursting with and springing to life.

It gives hope, knowing that this pattern set in motion from the beginning of time will always come to be—it speaks of the everlasting faithfulness of God, which none can refute. It breathes life back into you: knowing that He takes care of His creation, leaves you with the satisfying knowing that He is good and He can take care of you. I wanted to write “once fully committed and listening to His voice” He can take care of you—but I know that that’s not entirely true. That there’s more at work—ALWAYS—the Lord sustaining the world in every bit and piece all over the world, all over the time. Yes, we see evil “triumph” seemingly in the worst circumstances but I believe He is always orchestrating and moving forth in the world to sustain, to keep us from fully committing Hare Krishna and completely obliterating any good. Yes, there are suicide bombers and those who hold the potential in their hands to transform the entire planet into a nuclear wasteland—but it hasn’t happened yet and even when humans do their worst, I believe God still steps in (with as much of His force and goodness as He can while still extending that free will He fully offered us) and keeps their plans from becoming as completely devastating as they long to be.

A faithfulness runs deep in Him that can never be refuted, no matter how torturous we are to each other or what we do to His world. He sees the glory of our lives and won’t give up on what He created, even when we do everything in our power to run from His dreams for us. There’s too much, He knows too much, about us and our futures and the depth of His love and all that He is—good, holy (He knows the right timing for all the events of our lives), faithful, true, generous, just, hopeful—there’s too much of Him for Him to ever give up on one of us. Even to the end, the last day of our lives, He stands waiting with bated breath—will they do it? Will they trust me? Will they be able to come home?

It’s far too much for our minds to comprehend (as it should be) but as we look around and just see all that He has done, let it rest on you. Goodness, a delightful plan is at the center of the universe. We have a wonderous setting in which to live out the drama that has been written as our lives—and yes, it can have pain, often man-made—for He created but then He let go. Death came, and often seems to reign, in the midst of a world where a man and woman made a choice that brought death—but the strong pulse is life—resurrection even. I believe creation speaks to everlasting life that God longs to give us—that tress may lie dormant, and seeds as well, for many months but in the end—with the right light and temperature and just a little bit of rain, it all comes springing back again, saying something about the nature of our God—He loves to see death out of life and in fact, delights in it.

He did send His Son in this manner after all, did He not? This precious one—His only Son—came to display the Father’s character, His great plan. Death came to Jesus—as it does to all born on this earth—but out of that death came life, life eternal forever never to be defeated again, EVER, and offered freely to us. It’s so simple that it seems to be profound, the Father asking, “Please believe that the life Jesus offered on the cross is life enough for you, to cover all that you have done, and that His new life, resurrection, can become all that you live out of for the rest of your days.”

It’s simple, but we make it complicated. We try to find loopholes, other ways to “save” ourselves—anything that keeps us from being known, being accountable to a being beyond our reckoning. We’re running scared, something inside us fighting against having to deend on anyone, much less a “God” who we can’t even see. It’s terrifying. How do we know that He’s good? How do we know He won’t require of us more than we can give? How do we know He won’t be even more painful thn everything we’ve already been through? Let’s just run!

And there’s a disconnect. As man becomes less and less connected with nature, our understanding of God wanes. I know, I am one of the mighty hordes of people who work for a living, making ends meet by waking up before dawn and coming home when it’s dark. Sunshine is infrequent on my skin, as I spend my days inside a building trapped into doing the work required to just make it. I yearn for the mountains I see far in the distance, the sun rising above them in a glorious display—but it is not now time for me to be a part of them…too much to be done. Pale skin, tired heart, quietly living out my life the best I can.

I know that world, I do. But I know the world before that one, in college, where every day I had a set appointment to be outside, in the middle of trees and grass and fallen logs, just me and my Maker and His book (the Bible). From where I am now it seems that I was never closer, never fuller, never more excited about life than in those beautiful months.

I encourage you—see Him today. Spend some time with a flower, a tree, marveling at unique design and flawless resurrection—at our beautiful planet, spun into motion eons ago and still lovingly cared for. Think of the God who became a man to live on this earth for us and give life to us. Ask Him to speak to you—just say His name, whisper “Jesus” and take the time to listen to His voice as He speaks. He has something to say.

Just Waiting?

Waiting…

I’m going to be one of the subjects of a photo shoot my friend is doing. The topic of the photo essay she is creating from all of these pieces is “waiting”. She only asked me yesterday to be part of the process and at first I was caught off guard—then I realized: ‘this is perfect.’

Not perfect in the sense that it will have no troubles and will be exactly like heaven and Jesus (they are the few perfect things I know of—really perfect). No, rather in the this-will-make-so-much-sense-to-do because-it-is-who-I-have-become over the past few months, no, years.

It’s been years of waiting.

Years of wondering and trying to get by and failing and asking for help from the only one who truly understands and can help me get through this because all other resources fall short because they can’t see the core of who I am and all I am going through…but…He does.

The relief of knowing Jesus—that is where I stand now. I consider it not an exclusive place, but a sacred place, a place not every person gets into, can fathom. Hope is so deep there that no matter what life brings and the pain your soul may feel you keep pressing further, deeper into all He has for you.

For you know that He is good—His faithful closeness to you in the moments when you cried out have taught you that He is near always and to be trusted. You know—deeply inside yourself, past all the doubts that try to speak but have no authority anymore because He entered that place first and proved Himself faithful before they ever started to shriek—you know He can be trusted. You even know that He is good, crazy as it seems, uncertain as it shows up in your life. You know who you are in Him—the wild goodness, dreams, abilities, talents, loves of your soul—you know all those because He has taught you who you are and what you love and He is the one who created you so we always know that He knows best, even when it can seem ludicrous to us. Like, for me, I am a Warrior Princess. I wave flags in worship, waging gentle war, changing the atmosphere. I am a writer, a lover of children, an educator, a dancer…distant, subtle dreams blooming under His care.

I will hike many miles in my lifetime—first here in California along the PCT and eventually in Haiti where many live far up in distant mountains and valleys (Haiti is a land once described as “mountains upon mountains”) and we will walk to them, offering the good news of tremendous love offered by Jesus Christ. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I know—beyond what anyone could say of me or about me, who He has made me to be.

And He’s good.

And I’m good, as I hide myself in Him.

Now is waiting—but wondering, becoming, all that I need to move forward and through all the years before me—is also being arranged and birthed—really set to light in these years.

So if you are waiting…wondering…searching…I ask you to search Him out.

Wait for Him.

Cry out to Him in the night, the moment where truth (the truth of your life) becomes despair and you just need a Savior.

He will be there. He has always been there and will always choose to be there.

Great love.

Died on a cross.

To save YOU.

My waiting is no longer fear—all trust. May it be the same for you.