My life's ambition...
How many of you can answer that question or can name people who think in that way? I wonder in this world...this world filled with people who are obsessed with being entertained and with themselves--and I fall into this category lately more often than I had hoped.
I guess as this year comes to a close...I feel disappointed. I know I shouldn't, and even as I write it down I feel as though it is a lie from the enemy--but it's still there. And I should deal with it, not just push it away. Why am I disappointed?
Because this year has been a big one for me. I graduated, got a new (temporary) job, moved into an apartment...that's a lot of change and many things to celebrate. But I feel alone...I feel alone so much of the time and maybe that's it. Maybe I wish...a lot of things, ordinary things. This is going to be a strange sort of wish list, but I wish I didn't seem so strong and confident. I wish...well, I could say a lot of things, but just to be "wanted", "appreciated", "looked out for"...
And...I wish I didn't want that.
I wish that I was enough and then I wish I knew how to live out my life as an adult...how do you create friendships when your friends no longer live down the hall? How do you...? I just suck at being a good friend!! Haha...
Anyways, I have been, in a way, "cut down to size" this year. I'm not known on every hallway I walk down, I can go a whole day without having a meaningful conversation, and my life is small. So small...if I failed or moved forward...not that many people would notice. That's a good thing to realize...difficult too.
Haha...God is humbling me. And how I needed it! I hope it never ends...
There are many things in front of me. I write that with great difficulty, because the truth is, as sure as I am of my future, I have no idea how it will come to pass. Sure, there are things in front of me, but I don't see how any of them will lead me to where He says I'm going. How does getting a teaching credential prepare you to change the nation of Haiti?
Two things I am seeing this Christmas break:
1. I have forgotten to trust the Lord and put my hope in Him.
2. I have forgotten how to delight in the Lord.
My only plea: "Restore to me the joy of my salvation!"
My life's ambition used to be to get to the nation of Haiti and do some good...then it changed: I just wanted others to know Him. Now...now...I don't know. It feels bleak...but things can turn around. Things will turn around: God is on my side.
"I have set the LORD always before me;
because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." Psalm 16:8
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Valley of Achor...Teach me Your Songs
It's vacation...thus...I throw my sleep schedule entirely off :)
I also realize a lot of things...haha. Like that my life doesn't matter as much...but it's my life and so it means something. And my faith isn't what I thought it was...because I'm not who I thought I was--but that doesn't change who my God is--and He is constantly reaching for me, even on the days when I feel furthest from Him.
This time last year I was freaking out because I realized I liked a boy--and I liked him a lot more than I even cared to admit to myself! I can remember being so frightened by that realization...I had been moving so fast before that time that I could just ignore the feelings brewing. But then Christmas break came and I had so much time to sit and think--and it was so...exhausting! I cried a lot, mainly because I also realized at that time that I had no idea what the future held and no plans.
A year later...I can see a future of some sort materializing in front of me. Sometimes it seems rather bleak and other days everything seems possible. Today was an in-between sort of day, more blah than anything. A day when your mistakes float up toward you in the silence and you miss certain people. I especially missed that boy I liked today--like a regret and a sadness--but I know that it was not for me...and Jesus has me right where He wants me.
I need to believe that--some days more than others.
Today was sad songs--but then I called upon the Lord and praised Him and the timbre of my voice changed: sadness which had kept it from being all it should be was lifted and the joy that used to be a mainstay of my being floated out of me.
I want to live out of that place--my life can't just fade into nothingness--please Jesus, move me forward.
I've learned a lot about love in a year--I guess you wouldn't think that, seeing as I haven't met the one I'm supposed to love. But any assumptions you have about me may be, and should be, wrong. Just because no one is falling in love with you doesn't mean you're not learning the ropes of the obstacle course...
Love takes everything...and I know this, though I was just a beginner with no stakes placed in the game. You think your emotions, your way of thinking, your way of life is something dictated completely by you--but love twists all that up. Everything is suddenly pulling you toward this person who only months before was just another guy. You spend hours trying to get him out of your head--but then 15 minutes spent with him ruins all your efforts. You care--SO MUCH!--about the slightest conversations you have and hope for more...in other words, you're crazy.
I hated realizing how much I liked the guy I liked for one huge reason: it was something I had no control over. I tried (and was successful in some ways) in keeping him out of my head...but you can't stop the way your heart reacts when you see him...you can't stop loving his company so much and feeling like that is the most comfortable place in the world for you...some things become out of your control, because it is bigger than you and you can't stop it. If I had heard anyone say this about love before my experience I would have laughed at them. I thought I could dictate those kinds of things (which, sometimes, you can. You are in control of your actions), but sometimes...everything spins away from you. I know what they mean when they say those things about love being like a disease/madness...it's so strange...
As I was putting this guy behind me (as you must when he acquires a girlfriend) God let me in on a little, slightly embarrassing, bit of information:
"You did not love him well."
Haha...imagine that thought coming into your head as you try to move past what has felt like a de-railing of your life the past few months. But, as God always is, He was right. I had not loved him well. In fact, from the outside looking in, it probably looked as though I wanted to avoid him at all costs. I was so overwhelmed by all that was going on in me whenever I was around him that I became like a robot--afraid to do or say anything wrong. I actually went completely still in one class, for the whole class, because I was sitting next to him. I couldn't treat him in the casual, open way that I treated everyone else who was my friend; I would just go completely stiff. Poor guy, he probably was so confused by me...
But all of this...it shows just how far I was from love--and yet how close. Love is vulnerability, which I was not willing to share, and so I did my best to be constantly on my guard. The one thing in life which I always saw myself farthest from was marriage...now I'm not so sure...
God is showing me my flaws and insignificances...it's a time of loneliness and set apartness. I'm not quite sure whether the Robin I always was will pop out on the other side (sometimes joy seems to be in a unforeseen short supply) but this time is good. I am tired and sad and heavy, but this is not the end.
God knows my bitterness, the things I am being cleansed of, and the ways that He is preparing me for the future He is pulling me into. I may be alone for many years to come, but I will have all that I need for whatever lays ahead. He gave me that promise, both in His word and His words to me from others. I will walk through this ache with Him and learn a love that goes beyond the norm from Him.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
Hosea 2:14-15
I also realize a lot of things...haha. Like that my life doesn't matter as much...but it's my life and so it means something. And my faith isn't what I thought it was...because I'm not who I thought I was--but that doesn't change who my God is--and He is constantly reaching for me, even on the days when I feel furthest from Him.
This time last year I was freaking out because I realized I liked a boy--and I liked him a lot more than I even cared to admit to myself! I can remember being so frightened by that realization...I had been moving so fast before that time that I could just ignore the feelings brewing. But then Christmas break came and I had so much time to sit and think--and it was so...exhausting! I cried a lot, mainly because I also realized at that time that I had no idea what the future held and no plans.
A year later...I can see a future of some sort materializing in front of me. Sometimes it seems rather bleak and other days everything seems possible. Today was an in-between sort of day, more blah than anything. A day when your mistakes float up toward you in the silence and you miss certain people. I especially missed that boy I liked today--like a regret and a sadness--but I know that it was not for me...and Jesus has me right where He wants me.
I need to believe that--some days more than others.
Today was sad songs--but then I called upon the Lord and praised Him and the timbre of my voice changed: sadness which had kept it from being all it should be was lifted and the joy that used to be a mainstay of my being floated out of me.
I want to live out of that place--my life can't just fade into nothingness--please Jesus, move me forward.
I've learned a lot about love in a year--I guess you wouldn't think that, seeing as I haven't met the one I'm supposed to love. But any assumptions you have about me may be, and should be, wrong. Just because no one is falling in love with you doesn't mean you're not learning the ropes of the obstacle course...
Love takes everything...and I know this, though I was just a beginner with no stakes placed in the game. You think your emotions, your way of thinking, your way of life is something dictated completely by you--but love twists all that up. Everything is suddenly pulling you toward this person who only months before was just another guy. You spend hours trying to get him out of your head--but then 15 minutes spent with him ruins all your efforts. You care--SO MUCH!--about the slightest conversations you have and hope for more...in other words, you're crazy.
I hated realizing how much I liked the guy I liked for one huge reason: it was something I had no control over. I tried (and was successful in some ways) in keeping him out of my head...but you can't stop the way your heart reacts when you see him...you can't stop loving his company so much and feeling like that is the most comfortable place in the world for you...some things become out of your control, because it is bigger than you and you can't stop it. If I had heard anyone say this about love before my experience I would have laughed at them. I thought I could dictate those kinds of things (which, sometimes, you can. You are in control of your actions), but sometimes...everything spins away from you. I know what they mean when they say those things about love being like a disease/madness...it's so strange...
As I was putting this guy behind me (as you must when he acquires a girlfriend) God let me in on a little, slightly embarrassing, bit of information:
"You did not love him well."
Haha...imagine that thought coming into your head as you try to move past what has felt like a de-railing of your life the past few months. But, as God always is, He was right. I had not loved him well. In fact, from the outside looking in, it probably looked as though I wanted to avoid him at all costs. I was so overwhelmed by all that was going on in me whenever I was around him that I became like a robot--afraid to do or say anything wrong. I actually went completely still in one class, for the whole class, because I was sitting next to him. I couldn't treat him in the casual, open way that I treated everyone else who was my friend; I would just go completely stiff. Poor guy, he probably was so confused by me...
But all of this...it shows just how far I was from love--and yet how close. Love is vulnerability, which I was not willing to share, and so I did my best to be constantly on my guard. The one thing in life which I always saw myself farthest from was marriage...now I'm not so sure...
God is showing me my flaws and insignificances...it's a time of loneliness and set apartness. I'm not quite sure whether the Robin I always was will pop out on the other side (sometimes joy seems to be in a unforeseen short supply) but this time is good. I am tired and sad and heavy, but this is not the end.
God knows my bitterness, the things I am being cleansed of, and the ways that He is preparing me for the future He is pulling me into. I may be alone for many years to come, but I will have all that I need for whatever lays ahead. He gave me that promise, both in His word and His words to me from others. I will walk through this ache with Him and learn a love that goes beyond the norm from Him.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
Hosea 2:14-15
Thursday, December 22, 2011
this is my favorite ever right now...
http://vimeo.com/33507366
I'm glad I can watch videos like this and be happy for people...there was a point this year when all I would've felt was bitterness--now I feel joy.
Jesus is working in me.
http://vimeo.com/33507366
I'm glad I can watch videos like this and be happy for people...there was a point this year when all I would've felt was bitterness--now I feel joy.
Jesus is working in me.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Let Your Eyes Be Open
Okay, I fixed it...it was translating every letter I typed into Hindi...so now that random post says, in Hindi, "Today was a weird day. It's even weird right now as it is changing everything I type into Arhmaic (I think)." I don't know how to spell Aramaic...
Anyways...my friends are having a party today...we went shopping...at WinCo...with lots of people around...
I realized something.
First--I don't go out into my community much, not really. For several years, my version of Redding was, "People there are so joyful, it's my favorite place in the world to be." Last year my version was, "It's the place where I am known, there's isn't a space like it in all the world." A few months ago: "There are some broken, hurting people living in this city. I see it in their kids everyday." Today: "We aren't who we should be."
I'm learning more and more that we were created for a different world. That thought, even writing that sentence, brings a smile of genuine joy to my face.
But we're not there.
My blog is called "Here in the Waiting" from the title of a Laura Hackett song. (She's amazing, check her out). I am in the waiting in a lot of areas in my life: my dreams, especially for Haiti; love and all that comes with it; my career; family members...I don't have answers. But I do have hope! Jesus...
So many people don't.
I noticed them today...they look tired, pale...you look at these faces and some of them are half alive. So many people at WinCo in Redding today were not living...not enjoying...not as they should be....
I couldn't stop looking at these faces. I was thinking of the Eric and Leslie Ludy book called "Meet Mr. Smith" where he details his experience meeting "Mr. Marvelous". Mr Marvelous is the personification of all that we should be growing into: stately without being pompous, quiet strength, deep compassion, love...when Eric meets this man, he realizes all he must grow into (the full stature of the measure of Christ). I was trying to see if anyone fit this description in any way, shape, or form in WinCo--and maybe its not the best place to look--but it was scary to me just how far all of us were. There's a lot you can tell by looking at a person--how healthy they are, whether they are happy, where they put their thoughts. You watch their interactions, within their families and with others, and you see either a person who holds himself with dignity and treats others with gentleness or you see...people just getting what they need without interacting, shifty eyes, tired...I don't know...
There is a glory meant to shine on our faces...freedom meant to be shining out of our eyes...grace flowing in every movement...but when the fall came, we all lost it. I can almost see the moment: the people who were up, walking, talking, fully alive...suddenly all fall to the ground in an instant as a filmy curtain envelops the scene. Some, because of Christ's sacrifice, break free and live in light. I see it in people at Bethel and at the Stirring, some of my friends...but so many...
I guess I saw what it means to be lost today.
Cry alone, die alone
pray alone, stay alone
-lyrics from the Glen Hansard song I am listening to
And don't these lyrics perfectly describe what we are without Jesus?
I feel sad right now...I love seeing the world, actually looking past what I am doing and seeing people around me...but sometimes it...you can fill in the blank...
I pray that wherever you are and whatever you do, you would see the world today in all its blessing and all its beauty. Notice the people around you in a grocery store. Take time to say "hi" to a neighbor...let love mark your footsteps. The world so desperately needs it.
Anyways...my friends are having a party today...we went shopping...at WinCo...with lots of people around...
I realized something.
First--I don't go out into my community much, not really. For several years, my version of Redding was, "People there are so joyful, it's my favorite place in the world to be." Last year my version was, "It's the place where I am known, there's isn't a space like it in all the world." A few months ago: "There are some broken, hurting people living in this city. I see it in their kids everyday." Today: "We aren't who we should be."
I'm learning more and more that we were created for a different world. That thought, even writing that sentence, brings a smile of genuine joy to my face.
But we're not there.
My blog is called "Here in the Waiting" from the title of a Laura Hackett song. (She's amazing, check her out). I am in the waiting in a lot of areas in my life: my dreams, especially for Haiti; love and all that comes with it; my career; family members...I don't have answers. But I do have hope! Jesus...
So many people don't.
I noticed them today...they look tired, pale...you look at these faces and some of them are half alive. So many people at WinCo in Redding today were not living...not enjoying...not as they should be....
I couldn't stop looking at these faces. I was thinking of the Eric and Leslie Ludy book called "Meet Mr. Smith" where he details his experience meeting "Mr. Marvelous". Mr Marvelous is the personification of all that we should be growing into: stately without being pompous, quiet strength, deep compassion, love...when Eric meets this man, he realizes all he must grow into (the full stature of the measure of Christ). I was trying to see if anyone fit this description in any way, shape, or form in WinCo--and maybe its not the best place to look--but it was scary to me just how far all of us were. There's a lot you can tell by looking at a person--how healthy they are, whether they are happy, where they put their thoughts. You watch their interactions, within their families and with others, and you see either a person who holds himself with dignity and treats others with gentleness or you see...people just getting what they need without interacting, shifty eyes, tired...I don't know...
There is a glory meant to shine on our faces...freedom meant to be shining out of our eyes...grace flowing in every movement...but when the fall came, we all lost it. I can almost see the moment: the people who were up, walking, talking, fully alive...suddenly all fall to the ground in an instant as a filmy curtain envelops the scene. Some, because of Christ's sacrifice, break free and live in light. I see it in people at Bethel and at the Stirring, some of my friends...but so many...
I guess I saw what it means to be lost today.
Cry alone, die alone
pray alone, stay alone
-lyrics from the Glen Hansard song I am listening to
And don't these lyrics perfectly describe what we are without Jesus?
I feel sad right now...I love seeing the world, actually looking past what I am doing and seeing people around me...but sometimes it...you can fill in the blank...
I pray that wherever you are and whatever you do, you would see the world today in all its blessing and all its beauty. Notice the people around you in a grocery store. Take time to say "hi" to a neighbor...let love mark your footsteps. The world so desperately needs it.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
True Love
I was inspired by a friend of a friend to write again on this blog...her name is Kallie and she's going through a hard time right about now. The best way to describe it is a heart torn in two...
I don't know Kallie, but she did something for me. She showed me, just through her blog posts, that I am not alone. I am not the only one who wonders at her brokenness and is searching for a way to move forward. I have truly been healed beyond my capacity to tell in the last few months since school started...but there is far to go.
I feel far from God...or maybe its just that our relationship has changed. I feel sometimes that my life is too full--I don't know where He fits. And I want to know that. But then I realize that it is in every moment that I find Him alive and living in me. I don't spend an hour a day alone to read His word in the midst of nature (my favorite!) but I spend four hours with Him at kindergarten, nine a week at school, four at tutoring (I don't have a tutor, I tutor other kids--that was a joke) and He makes Himself known in all the other bits and pieces of my life: chilling with roommates, worshipping, doing homework.....
And though this season feels different than the others did, I find it is enough. It isn't what I do that pleases God...its my heart. I make mistakes and I sometimes feel like I waste my time or do the wrong thing or am useless, but all that falls away when He bends close. Its those moments, just me and Him, where I see the world fall away and all that matters is the look in His eye. And though I would tell you that I'm not worth much...not even loved by anyone special...that look in His eye tells me different.
See, we weren't made for just earthly love, oh no! There's so much more, so much precious treasure! Earthly love can and does grow cold...only an eternal heart flame stays bright forever. I thought I'd missed out--but I think I've just fallen into the midst of a bigger, brighter love than all that I had hoped for. Isn't it funny? My Jesus loves me...
I don't know Kallie, but she did something for me. She showed me, just through her blog posts, that I am not alone. I am not the only one who wonders at her brokenness and is searching for a way to move forward. I have truly been healed beyond my capacity to tell in the last few months since school started...but there is far to go.
I feel far from God...or maybe its just that our relationship has changed. I feel sometimes that my life is too full--I don't know where He fits. And I want to know that. But then I realize that it is in every moment that I find Him alive and living in me. I don't spend an hour a day alone to read His word in the midst of nature (my favorite!) but I spend four hours with Him at kindergarten, nine a week at school, four at tutoring (I don't have a tutor, I tutor other kids--that was a joke) and He makes Himself known in all the other bits and pieces of my life: chilling with roommates, worshipping, doing homework.....
And though this season feels different than the others did, I find it is enough. It isn't what I do that pleases God...its my heart. I make mistakes and I sometimes feel like I waste my time or do the wrong thing or am useless, but all that falls away when He bends close. Its those moments, just me and Him, where I see the world fall away and all that matters is the look in His eye. And though I would tell you that I'm not worth much...not even loved by anyone special...that look in His eye tells me different.
See, we weren't made for just earthly love, oh no! There's so much more, so much precious treasure! Earthly love can and does grow cold...only an eternal heart flame stays bright forever. I thought I'd missed out--but I think I've just fallen into the midst of a bigger, brighter love than all that I had hoped for. Isn't it funny? My Jesus loves me...
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