Hello again

Well, well, well...I traveled for three days, crossed an ocean, and made it to a tiny dry spot of land near the sea.

It's beautiful here...not ordinary, fruitful beauty, but a lingering, holistic beauty...one that fills you up and makes you feel strange inside. Sometimes it makes you cry, but only when you are alone. You walk the streets or ride in taxis and try to take it all in...it's an overwhelming and sudden feeling, not easily put into words.

It's as though your spirit senses a great change and the immense difference between this culture that you have become immersed in and the one you left only days ago, but it takes longer for the mind to catch up. So you stop and start, feeling as though you understand, but the words rarely come.

There are moments, especially when we were first in country, where I felt overwhelmed. It's so easy to get caught up in anxiety (so much was unknown!) and to be frightful aware of how different you are. I almost felt as though I were a target everywhere I went. I still feel that way at times, when I walk along the street. People stare...my head is uncovered, I am blonde and have blue eyes...I represent so many things...it's not even possible for me to comprehend all that goes through their minds as they look at me. Perhaps that is better.

Moments of delight surface too...gently, unwaveringly. I am compelled to look in eyes, see women who smile and frown, laugh too loudly and sing under their breath. I see them play with their children and watch me with smiling eyes...and I know I am safe. Nothing will harm me while there gaze is on me. I am a part of their universe. I am home.

The men are frightening at times. Walking down the street, you try not to look directly at anyone. It's better to keep to yourself. There are men who we can be familiar with--other Americans, our Arabic teacher, the men and boys in our classrooms. But otherwise...

I wasn't prepared for the Westernization. I didn't know what to expect, but the people who we work with have chosen to be very American--and it is appropriate for their purposes. No one form the States wears the headscarf or chardor. I feel almost overmodest with them--but I think it is important.

I thought I would wear the veil while I was here, it was the one thing I was prepared for. However, I would be the only American to do it...so it never even surfaced as an issue. Many people say "oh, it would confuse them. They would think you are Muslim". I disagree. A single conversation (though it would have to be replayed over and over to everyone who asked) would allow me the explanation needed. "I value your culture. I am a Christian, but Christians used to wear the veil over their heads. I choose to be modest in this way, as a way of respecting you." The problem is, I don't have the words. The women, Christian women, I have read of who wore the veil all were in their communities for a long period of time and were able to explain to their neighbors their reasons (and many of their neighbors applauded their decision). I will be here a short time, with a limited language ability. Is the confusion worth it? I do not know. Perhaps I am making a mistake, being disobedient...I trust in God.

This trip was supposed to be very hard...so far, I am not sure. Perhaps the challenges are different than I had anticipated. I am being forced to stand out, rather than assimilate (which would be my natural reaction, as I would much rather blend in). I have other challenges, too, which I will not name at this time (e-mail me if you want to know more, Bre :) All in all, things are still slowly sinking in as I grow more comfortable with my surroundings. I need beauty, connection and protection. Continue to pray for us as we travel toward light.

God is with us. As I read His words and reminded of His loving care (especially in this context) I am overwhelmed with love. May that overwhelming love reach them too.

We are all on a destination towards eternity.

This summer has been super so far. :) Super exhilirating and super depressing...it just depended what day it was!

Now I embark on a super perplexing portion of my summer--I have no idea what to expect!

Pray for me.

Grace springs up all around

God uses fractured people, huh? He just asks that we don't lose heart and keep following after Him and keep believing that what He says is true...

This is where grace steps in. I'm seriously crying right now realizing this. I try so hard to make things work out and do what I believe is God's will...and when I feel like I've failed--and I seem to see more failure and lost opportunities in my life than successes--I really beat myself up. People always comment on my upbeatness and never ceasing smile...but on the inside...it's not always that way.

Grace......what a beautiful

earth shattering

concept.

This things make sense to me so little...but I think I'm getting it. God is the one in control. I am along for the ride--a valuable instrument in His hands, but not the cog which will cause the entire mechanism to fall apart if it fails.

And He chooses to use us...and it's His grace...He is at work through out all that we do.

Our task is to move as He calls us to, but still be okay with the flukes and the mistakes. I am telling you, i am going to mess up! and mess up big in this life!! But I feel a joy rush, even now. So long my life has been dictated by fear--everything revolving around my fear of messing it up and causing the flaw which makes everything fall apart. But I have a revelation!!! I'm not that important...

So if I chicken out and don't talk to that person I know I'm supposed to--it's going to be okay! But since it's going to be okay, even if I mess up, why don't I just do what God asks? Wow...so freeing!

He calls us to live in love, not perfectionism! Stop the judging, Robin, of yourself and others :) Smile big, live loud and let love be your mark among all those blunders! I can't wait!

P.S. I got to hang out with seventh grade boys at school today and I just love the conversations we had :) I love people and connecting with them and finding out what makes them tick and still loving them! I can't wait to be a teacher and pray that I learn to be a servant in the process (serving instead of being served). Shake me up, God! I want your refreshing righteousness and none of my own. i rely on YOU! Rain down...

Also there was a prophecy over my life that involved the balm of Gilead and I recently found out that the country I'm traveling to is a source of this balm...

This adds beautiful mystery and the touch of God to my trip. I can't wait to see what this trip brings. Lead me on, beautiful One. Show me where You long for me to tread...