Worship--Yes...

I guess I'll lead worship everywhere but in the United States...

I think its funny and strange how God uses a life and chooses to move. I have loved all my life outside the United States and find that God uses me most when I am far from my original birthplace. Not that I have not seen Him working and been a huge part of some very special churches and communities, but the places where I am really fulfilled and feel as though I am walking out everything that He has promised me are...not..in the States.

This is just all opinion, so don't get offended or feel that I am being derogatory toward life in the States or how church operates there. That is not what this post is about. I am simply sitting here as His little child, laughing at how He has made my world work, the genuine absurdity. That I never lead worship in the States (and I tried to join a few teams) but outside that beautiful little place where my family and most of the people I love live is where I have gotten to step forward...

The first time I lead worship was as part of a team at a Mexican church. We sang songs in Spanish, so it was not only a first time leading, but my first time leading was in a language not my own (which is the most awesome thing to me ever! haha, that just fits who I am so well...) I can remember singing about "fuego" and we were a thrown together little band but we had a great time.

The second time occurred this week: a little team of fellow DTSers and I literally threw together a set list and watched God work. We literally practiced altogether for about half an hour--and mainly, it felt messy and out of whack to my poor little perfectionist, former teacher mentality--but I am learning to let go of that old way of thinking and lean into just trusting that Jesus will work more and more. That when we invite Him in and choose to let our plans get messed with a bit so He can invade our space, something beautiful happens and a piece of His heart--that we would have never had access to had we let our controlling sinful natures get in the way (because to try and control the outcome of all things rather than relinquishing control and trusting is a sin issue and if you just repent--ask forgiveness of it and search out from Him how He wants to operate...your life will be better and fuller--DO IT!).

We stepped back, offered what we had as worshippers, let the Lord lead and it was really beautiful. Truly beautiful, all the way through. I used a mic for the first time and honestly stood on the floor for a lot of it and just moved--maybe a little dancing, haha! (No stoic, sing behind the mic stand for me...hee). It was so good--when your life gets full of those moments where you find yourself coming alive and alive and ALIVE over and over again, it's a good place.

My next time is at a little Irish church here in the town of Armagh--I get to lead alongside one of my leaders this Sunday night. It's a day called Love Feast: we'll worship together and then my team is spending time sharing Original Design with the people of that church. We'll be praying into who God originally intended them to be and blessing them with any words He gives us.

It is beautiful to be used!!! Thanks for all the prayers and keep them up! Absurd, wonderful God, wonderfully working in my life!

Alignment

Alignment...this is the word which keeps coming to me as I progress through this season.

Alignment...it involves more than knowing something about the Lord and about the season He has you in and the words He's speaking into you. When you align with a group or person or idea, you're not only believing it but you also choose to be in it. It's almost an abiding that occurs as you possess this idea, thing, person more and more within your being. It's a gradual process, but its very deep--all encompassing.

It's what happens through dating as you move towards becoming one. You gradually are finding that every bit of you aligns with them and at the end of a long process of being known and getting to know, you are finally one. Possessed by them, in a sense, in the best way, as your two lives are now joined--every bit of who you are and who they are filled in with each other and you continue to build this oneness throughout your whole lives.

Marriage: a constant aligning.

Alignment: the most beautiful and sacred process, but also the most perilous...for I find that I can align where I am not supposed to, and I have to ask the Lord to pull me back.

And the beautiful thing is, He does. We don't even have to strive but just lay back against His chest (as a song I'm listening to right now by Jenn Johnson says--perfect timing! haha). He knows how to constantly realigning us with Himself so that we find our lives--in whatever way they have gone a little bit out of whack--coming into true alignment and finding life as He breathes His strength, joy, hope, whatever you need into the place where you are, the struggle, the misalignment...

I'm not saying that it happens quickly or easily in any way (some things must be brought to Him again and again, over and over, day after day) but He does not mind the struggle the way that we do. He even celebrates it, because as we don't give up and keep bringing our struggle to Him, it creates intimacy. Your struggle can actually be the best thing for your relationship with God because it creates this healthy reliance that brings Him such joy and leads in the end to your peace. And as you are comforted, over and over, you learn how to bring His comfort to others who have been struggling.

We talked through relationships this week with a lovely couple, originally from Washington, now living in Budapest with their 16-month-old son (he came with them--what a joy!). They were honest about their struggles and guided us through discussions on sex, marriage, stewardship, legacy and conflict resolution. It was a packed week with a lot of good confirmation in my life as well as realizing how much better I can do relationships (with the Lord's help). I have been a mess sometimes, but this alignment with the Lord and an understanding of myself, where I have come from and why I have reacted to life the way I have is both beautiful and hopeful--I won't stay where I have been and I am aligning with the King of the Universe for the best in my future.

I am a little life, but He cares dearly for me.

May I ever align with You, Lord. Thank You for the grace in my untangling.

Living Out of Victory

“You’ve brought me to the end of myself/ And this has been the longest road”

“I’m waking up/I’m waking up”

These two lines (both from one of my favorite current albums by Steffany Gretzinger) perfectly describe the transition I’m in: this beautiful moment where I get to move forward into all that He has planned, moving past dreaming and waiting into true fulfillment. If the object of my life is to know God and be known by Him—or in other words to glorify God by enjoying Him forever (thanks John Piper) then I am in the sweet spot of that beautiful journey. Coming into a still, sweet time where He allows me to operate fully in all of my gifts, whether they be leading worship, interceding, healing people emotionally and physically or just allowing His love to shine out of me. When I really tune in to all that He is doing in me in this season, I am just buzzing with His life awakening in me. He wants to do so much in me and through my team—aahhh!!!

At this moment, listening to Irish rain fall outside my window, I can’t imagine what fulfillment and seeing all His beautiful dreams for me come to bear looks like. I only know that I am on the edge, the precipice as it were, and the joy I feel is piercing. He sees and knows me so well—we’ve spent a wilderness season together—and I get to partner with Him in whatever is to come next. I know that He will never leave me—His faithfulness to me while I had nothing to offer but the belief He could pull me through assure me that life is coming, will always be to come for it is what He offers and brings forth and is full of, always and in all things.

And maybe your life looks really dry, without any light—I ask you to take a moment and look at what you fill yourself with. It is easy in a depressed season to continue to dwell in that depression, to even wallow in it and ask others to join you there—but He has the opposite to offer to you, if you will only choose to look to His strength. He is the God of the impossible, the One who turns it around to grace more and more frequently than we could ever give Him credit for!

The way it has shown up in my life is this: in the frequent yielding of my heart and mind to Him, He has taken a place that usually produces a certain kind of fruit in a person and produced the exact opposite in me. I learned my freedom and liberty in being a woman in one of the most oppressed places for women in the world. I learned deep hope during a season where I couldn’t land a job to save my life. He is constantly teaching me that I live from a different kingdom, one not governed by the rules and laws that affect this world.

I live out of such a different place.

And there is safety here even in the midst of the greatest storms that nations and personal relationships and everything the world has to offer. There is peace when all around is chaos. There is joy—rooted deep in Him and who He is (such stability!) that laughs when danger draws near or anything rears its head saying its more worthy of being feared—you know who the King of Kings is (you’re deep, intimate friends with Him) and so nothing holds you back from running deep into His arms. The fear of the Lord fills you to overflow, causing all the wreckage of life to spill out and be seen as it is: just a bit of torment that the Lord knows, takes care of, is already dealing with. We get caught in our own minds, the darkness of seeing it all from our perspective, but then you invite the Lord in and it’s like He lifts the lid off the house of your heart where the enemy was trying to harbor dark thoughts and plans and you see them for what they are—simply dark dreams of the enemy which drift away when put into the light of the Father’s hands.

Nothing can stand against Him.

And that’s where we stand. With Him. Rise up again, Victorious One. You are hidden in Christ. The story is already written deep within You, for you were claimed by His blood when you became one of His own—He wins. And since we are His co-heirs, it’s our victory also, and we get the spoils.

Live free out of this place.

He’s so in love with you!

P.S. I took a walk with a sweet lady today--when she prayed she saw a picture of me in galoshes (pretty ones!) tending a garden--you only need galoshes when the ground is really wet!--and the garden was bearing much fruit...excited to see where He takes me!

Offer It: Whatever You Have...It's Good

Things have settled down at our ‘house’, around our base. We’re becoming familiar with one another, learning boundaries and quirks, already seeing changes in freedom and self worth, beginning to understand and hope in one another. It’s the transition stage where we’re not all trying to be super polite anymore, but we’re not quite sure of one another and even as we interact and learn of one another, we also are all continuously changing—so the person sitting across from you one day is a different person the next.

We’re being rewired into family. And family is an evolving, bouncing ball: depending on what we put into it, it can change shape and form, be extremely playful or extremely threatening (there are many places to play ball—the street is not preferred, i.e. lets continue to create a safe atmosphere!), hopeful and life giving or graceless and detrimental.

(If you are praying, pray we continue to mature and grow into truly healthy relationships growing past having mutual respect to truly honouring one another…that Christ would be present in all we do, even now as we grow into this team He can use. THANKS)

I, for one, am having a fantastic time growing alongside these guys. I appreciate the leaps and bounds they make, the ways they try to bury themselves in the Lord, the ways they grapple with their frustration until it turns for their good, the way they see into each other (and me) for all that we are worth and call it out! Next week the topic in lectures is “Relationships” and I don’t even know how good it’s going to be: I just know that this is a week the Lord is excited for, especially for me, and I can’t wait to see what He points out and restores.

It’s so good to be around people who are actively growing into wholeness and doing it pointedly before you. There’s a reason YWAM embraces community living as a core value: this closeness allows you to be revealed as you really are and see each other up close every day, the beautiful ways that we have learned to live out love. There’s one mom on base who always takes time for her young son—and that’s really healing for me to see, for whatever reason. And it’s little moments like that, where we really get to see each other every day that make this place and what the Lord is doing so unique.

I had a hard moment this week, where I had to share and face a hard reality of my life. I shared the moment and what God was revealing right after with my roommates (who all happened to show up at the same time) and the Lord used them to speak such life into me, showing me where God had already gone before to redeem me and even assured me that my life blessed them. God redeems. He lets us live close, be known, be seen and I…am just in awe.

I know we don’t all get the opportunity (and may not be made for that kind of intentional living—God, in all His diversity, arranged us for all sorts of lovely ways of living out healthy lives…this is not about whether you’re in communal housing or not) but be aware of the lives you affect every day. You may think you are just bopping along (“You do you!” as some people say) and totally, be yourself! But be aware—like, in awe—of the fact that God is using you in His own way every day. Submit to that: you are the living sacrifice. You think you’re walking to the bus stop—but you just offered a smile to someone that literally lifted them from despair. You are just getting a haircut—but as you talk and encourage those around you, you are giving them hope. You are just sitting with your sister—but you’re letting her know by your nearness that she is important to you. You are just playing with your kid—but that soon-to-be mother across the room from you is learning how to parent.

So thank you, wherever you are, whatever you do. You make a difference in this world. You are significant. Your voice needs to be heard.

You do you—the world changes.  And it may be small at first—but being faithful, even in that small thing, can have huge significance. You never know how the Lord will add to it when you ask Him. He has more to offer, more to give—keep asking.

Still hungry and always full—the paradox of His Kingdom in you!

Here in Ireland? haha...how good is God.

 Ireland…you forget where you are sometimes…the only thing I can compare it to is waking up from a dream—except that all was before is now past, almost beyond my ability to recognize it as fact because it feels dream-like. And being here, among this tribe and finding out who I am among them feels more substantial than anything that was before. I get to live in the dream—things I had been hoping and praying, almost without any faith that they could be reality—they’re here now. And yeah, that seems dramatic—but it’s the most accurate way for me to articulate my present reality.

Let me paint a picture of where we are as a school and what God has done with all these hungry children of His: a lot of repentance (and heart-felt, not contrived) which has lead us into His Presence, worship where we touch heaven and camaraderie that brings hope. It is obviously not without its limitations and times when we must press through into all that He calls us to, but He is drawing more and more freedom and joy out as the days go by. I personally am finding myself in a new place: coming out of drought. I had few close friends who were near geographically, now I need only to step outside my bedroom door—well, actually, they live with me…I don’t even have to get out of bed to have relationship—they’re all right here, asking me how I am doing, choosing to be present with me. It’s deep relationships and community which is open and near,  deep trust developing, an awareness among us of the Spirit of God moving and we get to be part of it.

My favorite room is the Prayer Room—I keep flying away to this sanctuary where we press in and ask for more. And it’s coming—in a little town where class lines are drawn and hatred can press in close, God is unlocking hearts. A tiny team goes to the pub every Tuesday and last week a patron was talking with one of our older leaders about my fellow YWAMer’s. “I want what they have,” he said. The leader, Damien, said, “You realize what they have is God, right? And He’s available to you right now?” And this gentleman prayed and accepted Jesus and is now praying for us! This is the first of many, I am declaring in faith!

We have intercession multiple times throughout our week (we are LOVING hearing from God together!) Today Damien (same guy in the pub) told stories of villagers he knows—they’re struggles and hang ups, wrote their names on pieces of paper, and had us circulate the room in teams praying for them. We’re learning what and how these people live…there is so much more that the Lord wants to point out here. I can almost see the chariots of fire and angels ready to descend on this town, to finally bring hope and life where the enemy has for too long had his way. Join us in our brave Warrior prayers! I am running with excellence and among excellent people.

Fight Your Fight

I have been loving Steffany Gretzinger (look her music up if you can) for a bit now, especially her newest solo album. There is something about pure worship—in all her youtube videos, etc. you can tell that she does not care what is going through your mind as you watch her—her focus is completely on the Lord and whatever He has her do is good for her. It’s an extraordinary capacity, to lose yourself, especially admired by myself, one who has let fear, and especially fear of what others may think, rule her life for way too long.

But I am learning to embrace “letting go” (this is actually the title of one of her great songs…haha), learning to walk—even dance—in freedom. The family around me, with all their embracing and even their longing to hear my story, helps extraordinarily. They see things in me with such conviction as I begrudgingly mention that it might be part of who I am, they let me rest and they celebrate who I am…such a different season, to be embraced in a family of faith. There’s a quality here, in this intentional Christ community, that goes beyond normal human interaction to this place where hearts are truly being knit together…I cannot wait to see the work the Lord continues to do. We’ve already had moments of repentance, worship beyond telling (almost all these kids can play instruments and boy, when we all join together, it’s a beautiful harmony) and also exhilirating hilarity and hard work.

Last night we watched “The King’s Speech” and the themes in it I believe are so fundamental to what this DTS is about. In case you haven’t seen the movie, it’s about an English king who has a stammering problem and how he offers what he has, insufficient as it may seem to be, to lead forth his nation. It is beyond difficult for him to get any words out—fear gripping him continually—and the perseverance, struggle and force he has to put into even getting a sentence out correctly is painful and beautiful to watch. Painful, because you know that it would be so much easier for him to just stay quiet and let his words fall silent and never be uttered. But beautiful because he offers it, though it may seem inadequate. He is only the king, but he knows, as his country is going into war, that his words have the capacity to lead his people forward in courage, to give them vision and a fight worth fighting for. He knows he cannot stay silent.

As we move in the kingdom of God, we may feel that we have almost nothing to offer. We may struggle to offer forth our seemingly pitiful offering—a tiny nudge that tells you to pray for a person or a moment when you realize the person in front of you needs to hear the Good News about Jesus—and you feel inadequate. You haven’t got the theological degree—or maybe you do—and someone else could do this so much better than you: you could name them one by one on your hand! But over and over, it’s you. You, out there, on God’s green earth meeting people and living life—you needing to grow and the Lord putting you in places and situations where you have the opportunity and chance—and you, offering what you have because the fight is invaluable and goes beyond what you are able to do to this point where you are needed, desperately, and if you don’t show up and take your place something invaluable will be lost.  

Fight your fight, where you are, offering all that you have, even if you feel like it isn’t enough.

That’s all.