End of finals week...chilling and listening to music...taking pictures with Photo Booth...

I love seeing the pictures of freedom on my face. God has brought me through a lot in these last few months. Restoring hope...bringing back peace...I need more, I will always need more. Jesus...

A lot has happened these past few months...a epidemic of cholera in Haiti...me learning to stand on my own two feet and lift others up as well...struggles with love--mainly over analyzation and flighty hormones...and learning to wait.

It's so funny how far I've come even in the last few months. I'm new all over again...learning to trust Him anew...learning to wait on Him anew...singing anew...dreams being reawoken even in the last few weeks...

See, this is the year when the first thing I felt God distinctly speak to me was "be content in loneliness". The second thing was "your only hope is me", ie, don't put your hope in anything else, dreams, plans, or people. The third was "wait wait wait wait wait, for glory will come if you do". Hmmm....

All of this spells out to a Robin who is trying really hard to figure it out, but has to learn to trust and not worry over the future, a Robin who finds herself falling for boys and having to pull herself back and a Robin who isn't sure how to be content. She is learning though. Her thought patterns this week are much better than they were last week. She stills obsesses over the way she looks, but she's exercising regularly and feels content with herself...comfortable in her own skin. She has made a lot of friends and is comfortable in the presence of numerous types of people. She loves the girls on her floor and has learned to invest in them and LOVES seeing their growth. They are becoming amazing people...and she knows it is all God. She gets to watch and pray as He brings about transformation in their lives...what a privilege.

Robin's favorite thing is that her Jesus speaks to her through music...classical music lately. The torrent of visible embodied creation that comes forth from someone playing an instrument masterfully brings her to tears lately. Jesus is after her heart, so completely after her heart, IT AMAZES HER. Their is no one like Him, no other lover like her Lord. That's why she chooses to stay at rest (because it is a daily choice, one I need to make, even today in this moment) and leave it all in the hands of the Lord. He is the Lover and Sustainer of her heart. He knows what she needs and is bringing a beautiful symphony to bear in the hearts of His children. All she wants to do is join along...

Lover of all, keep me content in You.

Robin is growing up, not without aches and pains, but content in the arms and the guidance of her Maker. Life is being found in her and a beauty which delights her Lord. She looks to Him alone in this time...and that's where He's always wanted her focus to be.

Beautiful mercy, do what you have to do
Jealous Lover, do what you have to do
You know the best way...

Musings

I love my little brother. I guess I'll start there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6vvqAxjPBE&feature=related

This song by Lisa Gungor...I just keep playing it over and over...

God's love goes beyond what my little brother chooses. It fills and encompasses all that Peter is. I know that Peter is watched with loving eyes everywhere He goes. I pray that his eyes will be opened up to that love one day.

God has me on a roundabout in this time of my life. I'm learning to love my family, really love them. I'm also learning to speak out the truths that are always right there when I'm speaking with someone. I'm learning not to be afraid of those things within me that are so strong. God wants my passions not just to boil inside of me, but to spill over into other people. I was always keeping them inside...but no longer. I won't keep those things which I feel the most about inside me any longer--because those things are the moments when God speaks through me...and everyone needs to hear Him.

It's been a long month. I was running, running, running...I went from a life of sluggish non-interaction to constantly being plugged in to people and doing things all day long. It made me exhausted...I was exhausted yesterday. I was almost becoming used to having exhaustion as a state of being...that's not okay, by the way.

It's so easy to get busy and miss God. I think that's the one best way that Satan has figured out for Americans so that they never reach God--keep 'em busy. The busyness tears at us, we constantly have things to do, events to plan, people to talk with, homework, exercise...

When is it my time to just be?


I can't even answer that. I've just been going for so long...little bits of God time get carved out, but for the most part...

This is scary to realize in your life. It frightens me. I need so much to be near God, especially at this point in my life, where a lot of roads are going to intersect and I have to choose which way to go...I need to hear from my Father--but am I making time for Him?

Pray.

This weekend is a moment of pause. I'm home, with nothing really to do besides a football game to attend tonight (my sister's playing the xylophone--she's so talented! Actually, I had no idea until yesterdy that she played said xylophone...oops, I'm out of touch!) This is the moment I give to God, for Him to do whatever He wants with. I want to hear Him and speak and yet I'm afraid too. What if I don't hear? What if I'm too far? Do I disappoint Him?

Oh, God is love, pouring down on us. He sees me as His daughter and always speaks words of love over me and always reminds me of the sacrifice He made on my behalf. I don't have to be afraid.

Psalm 22

Life is so funny, just a tired, twisted dream sometimes...

People tell me I have joy, but I feel as though its attacked so often! I have to constantly abide in order to find that joy that comes from Him.

But that's life, isn't it?

We must stay near our Father (abide in me) in order to be full of that life abundant that He promises (You can do nothing apart from me). I must guard those precious moments when I can look into His face...especially as I approach this new school year, so full of...it's just full! Ha ha

I guess I always wonder if I've done enough...and I have a tendency (perfectionist and first born that I am) to always wonder if I've done quite enough :) I have to stop that and remember to always be putting those people and situations and the outcomes in my Father's hands.

That's the key...and grace.

Thank you for forgiveness, my Lord. Keep reminding and teaching me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVZcAzXWciQ&NR=1
Check out Sufjan Stevens...really loving his music right now.

Dust Motes and Late Night Thoughts

I had coffee...so I'm still up at 1:30 AM...joy in the morning!

Hmmm....

I process through writing (and also talking through things with other people, throwing out there the conclusions I've come to and waiting quietly while they completely dismantle it and show me the more there is to know on the issue--this sounds painful, but it's always good for me...life is humbleness for Robin, she has to learn to learn from people :)

In any case...there's no one here who really hashes things out with me (lonely) and I haven't written in my journal in forever...so I may word barf for a while right now--at least until my computer dies (and it will live forever because it's plugged into the wall MUUHHAAAHHAWWW!!!)

Please remember that it is 1:30 AM and therefore some of this may not be sane...

So I was staring at dust motes today, floating through the air. They come into the light and they glitter in this beautiful way and some of them spin and some of them just float breathlessly and others have cool curly shapes...and then they're just gone. Whee--float into the light...catch a breeze...whisper by...They don't even make any nose, they just all float together in this beautiful intircate, unexplainable pattern (except that's not the right word, I want to say that the pattern can't be fully understood and tracked by one human...like it's indesciernable, but more so...)

We are as dust motes. That was my realization.

We too float through, part of a huge group of people who will inhabit the planet. We drift by each other, some more noticeable and flashier than others (curly ones), some who have great talents (the spinners). Others just have a part to play, they make up the dance...

No one is bigger than anyother in the end. It doesn't matter how you use your time in the sun, you are still the same in front of our Maker. A dust mote, no matter the pats on the backs and ego it recieves from other dust motes, is still a dust mote. Virtually insignificant. That helps me, because I think I worry too much that the consequences for my actions will be dreadfully serious and knock everything off balance...but God showed me, today, through a dust mote, that I don't have that kind of power...

Never have...never will...

We do have great value, however, a claim which no dust mote can make. A value endowed by a Creator, who loves us very much. He puts us here not to drift through (as dust motes do) but to grow...I've recently heard this life described as a place where our souls are allowed to develop, a soul "training ground" if you will. That's the reason things aren't so cushy and effortless...we don't drift. He never wanted us to drift. We have to fight and fight hard, becuase it's only through hard work and hard times that we can grow.

I always wonder at suffering...anguished wonder. Poetry comes from these deep, uncertain places within us, where cracks have developed and everything we ever dreamed and wonder comes pouring out, becuase it can no longer be contained in the mundane life. We broke free. We see the trouble...and we have questions and we want answers and God waits...what will we say?

Job spoke to God, Job yelled, Job accused Him, he wanted to speak with Him. And God came and God had some questions for Job...

Even God has questions...

So I don't have answers, I gave up on that long ago. I have my questions, I have my doubts. I still have my ten-year-old dreams, but those have been transformed into things of beauty. I won't live for myself anymore...I've been set free. Set apart by a God who sees me as too valuable to lose. I'll live for Him now.

As dust motes, what more do we really have to offer than this tiny spot through the sun? I want to move exactly as God directs me in my tiny time of glimmer...surrendured...floating calmly, filled with His love and all the strength that comes along with that.

That would be a powerful life.

Won't you join me?

Dancing Through Life...

I'm home...

So much of that feels surreal...I so easily go into the mode of being not completely here by watching TV on the internet or reading all day...it's a struggle to be present.

I miss the other interns I worked with...they became such good friends...I loved sharing life with them, the little things they did that made my life bright...

Can God correct every mistake? What is the greater good most of the time and how do we pursue that?

What is sacrifice? What is love, for that matter? How do we chase these both at the same time...

How do I learn to exist--loving, feeling joy and pain, running the race with all that is within me--without being crushed?

I feel as though sometimes I feel too much...but I want that. The numbness is worse than being pulled apart by all that is going on within you. I feel as though God can move so powerfully through the times when you are desperately broken.

I want to be desperately broken--not to be known that way by others, that's not the point. Desperately broken before God, willing to feel and experience all that He puts in front of me and pour myself out for that--all of myself, everyplace He directs me.

I don't want to miss that.

Even when others don't understand (and in some cases won't), I still want to be pushing deeper, longing for more. Please save me God from all the times I want to keep myself back.

You believe in me.

That's all that matters, that's all that's going to matter in the end!

Hahaha!

So excuse me while I dance...my Saviour is again calling to me.

i want to live fully aware of the knowledge of You, Saviour

i want to be immersed in Your Word

i want Your Songs to flow from my lips

i want Your longings to be my longings

i need Your Courage

i need Your Love

i need that Grace which is only found in Your Sight. keep Your Eyes on me.

i'm sorry for my mistakes and my failures. i get so tired sometimes and i'm never sure if what i'm doing really honors You. i just want to rest in You...but i seem to always be striving and trying to rush ahead, when all that is needed is to sit at Your Feet. teach me to be with You in the waiting.

i'm still here, same house...slightly different people.

many days are filled with business...other days are empty and i feel unsettled--it's the american in me, the one who wants to keep going, because as long as i am busy i am useful and therefore of value, right?

God Laughs.

He loves me. i'm such a mess :)

i read the Magician's Nephew (from the Narnia series) the other day. i especially love the part where Aslan (who is representative of God) is creating Narnia...and it's all through song. Different notes create different animals, plants, hills, stars...it's so beautiful and exactly how i imagine God...always singing over us, sometimes in joy, other times in ways which bring us the healing we so desperately need.

we forget to listen though. this trip, my team had big plans to listen to God together, pray in His Son's name...but it hasn't happened yet. the first time of pray together happened yesterday--and that only because we were gathered with the other missionaries here.

pray we would be joined together--and prayer is the fastest, most glueing way (haha, is glueing a word?) we want to be joined together, strong as a team because we are strong in Him.

Our life is hidden with Christ in God.

Hello again

Well, well, well...I traveled for three days, crossed an ocean, and made it to a tiny dry spot of land near the sea.

It's beautiful here...not ordinary, fruitful beauty, but a lingering, holistic beauty...one that fills you up and makes you feel strange inside. Sometimes it makes you cry, but only when you are alone. You walk the streets or ride in taxis and try to take it all in...it's an overwhelming and sudden feeling, not easily put into words.

It's as though your spirit senses a great change and the immense difference between this culture that you have become immersed in and the one you left only days ago, but it takes longer for the mind to catch up. So you stop and start, feeling as though you understand, but the words rarely come.

There are moments, especially when we were first in country, where I felt overwhelmed. It's so easy to get caught up in anxiety (so much was unknown!) and to be frightful aware of how different you are. I almost felt as though I were a target everywhere I went. I still feel that way at times, when I walk along the street. People stare...my head is uncovered, I am blonde and have blue eyes...I represent so many things...it's not even possible for me to comprehend all that goes through their minds as they look at me. Perhaps that is better.

Moments of delight surface too...gently, unwaveringly. I am compelled to look in eyes, see women who smile and frown, laugh too loudly and sing under their breath. I see them play with their children and watch me with smiling eyes...and I know I am safe. Nothing will harm me while there gaze is on me. I am a part of their universe. I am home.

The men are frightening at times. Walking down the street, you try not to look directly at anyone. It's better to keep to yourself. There are men who we can be familiar with--other Americans, our Arabic teacher, the men and boys in our classrooms. But otherwise...

I wasn't prepared for the Westernization. I didn't know what to expect, but the people who we work with have chosen to be very American--and it is appropriate for their purposes. No one form the States wears the headscarf or chardor. I feel almost overmodest with them--but I think it is important.

I thought I would wear the veil while I was here, it was the one thing I was prepared for. However, I would be the only American to do it...so it never even surfaced as an issue. Many people say "oh, it would confuse them. They would think you are Muslim". I disagree. A single conversation (though it would have to be replayed over and over to everyone who asked) would allow me the explanation needed. "I value your culture. I am a Christian, but Christians used to wear the veil over their heads. I choose to be modest in this way, as a way of respecting you." The problem is, I don't have the words. The women, Christian women, I have read of who wore the veil all were in their communities for a long period of time and were able to explain to their neighbors their reasons (and many of their neighbors applauded their decision). I will be here a short time, with a limited language ability. Is the confusion worth it? I do not know. Perhaps I am making a mistake, being disobedient...I trust in God.

This trip was supposed to be very hard...so far, I am not sure. Perhaps the challenges are different than I had anticipated. I am being forced to stand out, rather than assimilate (which would be my natural reaction, as I would much rather blend in). I have other challenges, too, which I will not name at this time (e-mail me if you want to know more, Bre :) All in all, things are still slowly sinking in as I grow more comfortable with my surroundings. I need beauty, connection and protection. Continue to pray for us as we travel toward light.

God is with us. As I read His words and reminded of His loving care (especially in this context) I am overwhelmed with love. May that overwhelming love reach them too.

We are all on a destination towards eternity.

This summer has been super so far. :) Super exhilirating and super depressing...it just depended what day it was!

Now I embark on a super perplexing portion of my summer--I have no idea what to expect!

Pray for me.

Grace springs up all around

God uses fractured people, huh? He just asks that we don't lose heart and keep following after Him and keep believing that what He says is true...

This is where grace steps in. I'm seriously crying right now realizing this. I try so hard to make things work out and do what I believe is God's will...and when I feel like I've failed--and I seem to see more failure and lost opportunities in my life than successes--I really beat myself up. People always comment on my upbeatness and never ceasing smile...but on the inside...it's not always that way.

Grace......what a beautiful

earth shattering

concept.

This things make sense to me so little...but I think I'm getting it. God is the one in control. I am along for the ride--a valuable instrument in His hands, but not the cog which will cause the entire mechanism to fall apart if it fails.

And He chooses to use us...and it's His grace...He is at work through out all that we do.

Our task is to move as He calls us to, but still be okay with the flukes and the mistakes. I am telling you, i am going to mess up! and mess up big in this life!! But I feel a joy rush, even now. So long my life has been dictated by fear--everything revolving around my fear of messing it up and causing the flaw which makes everything fall apart. But I have a revelation!!! I'm not that important...

So if I chicken out and don't talk to that person I know I'm supposed to--it's going to be okay! But since it's going to be okay, even if I mess up, why don't I just do what God asks? Wow...so freeing!

He calls us to live in love, not perfectionism! Stop the judging, Robin, of yourself and others :) Smile big, live loud and let love be your mark among all those blunders! I can't wait!

P.S. I got to hang out with seventh grade boys at school today and I just love the conversations we had :) I love people and connecting with them and finding out what makes them tick and still loving them! I can't wait to be a teacher and pray that I learn to be a servant in the process (serving instead of being served). Shake me up, God! I want your refreshing righteousness and none of my own. i rely on YOU! Rain down...

Also there was a prophecy over my life that involved the balm of Gilead and I recently found out that the country I'm traveling to is a source of this balm...

This adds beautiful mystery and the touch of God to my trip. I can't wait to see what this trip brings. Lead me on, beautiful One. Show me where You long for me to tread...

Going Crazy but Getting Better...

What I really want is God to be on the move...that's all.

I think about everything--friends, my internship and the necessary preparations, family--and it gets so freakin' overwhelming!

I guess a lot of that comes becomes I have felt so distracted since being home. At school, I am consistently in God's presence and around His people. At home...I go to church on Sunday (which I missed this week, because I was sick) and that is about it. It's such a weird switch...and being sick doesn't help. I'm staying in bed and running around the Internet and that can become my whole day! I hate it! I have so little...joy...

But there are things I can do :) I'm listening to the IHOP Prayer Room Webstream and it helps so much, just to hear people praying! I need that! I miss our prayer and worship meetings at school...

I'm changing the way I live...it starts today.

I will wake up and read the precious words of God FIRST. I will only run around on the Internet for an hour at a time ONLY. I will listen to worship music consistently. I will dance and sing :) I will call one friend a day (that might be a little hard...but I really want to).

These are the things I must do in order to stay sane...:)

I'm secretly dreading my internship. Please pray for me.

Here in the Sickness?

Ugh...I haven't been sick in a long time :)

Sickness always surprises me (probably because I don't get sick too often). I never know how to react to it--do I lay still and let it wash over me gently (except that isn't even possible with these sickness, since it has me violently coughing every once in a while just to keep me on my toes)...or do I fight it and keep moving, perhaps ignoring its presence? (also difficult, due to the fact that this sickness has chosen to take my voice--screaming actually physically hurts)

I just had a week which was very difficult--spiritually and emotionally. I get into these weird phases of caring desperately about what another thinks of me and constantly making sure that I'm doing well around them and that they're having a good time--oh &%$# it takes all the fun and authenticity and glory out of life and leaves you feeling like a very small piece of something disgusting with no freedom left. So...it was a good week, but also an intense reminder: don't you do it, Robin! Don't you dare order your life around someone else! Follow God with all you have and heed what He tells you. Always keep in mind that His opinion is the one that matters most...aaaahhhhh!!! Heart follow brain, not the other way round...

So then after this exhausting week, I go home tired: spiritually, emotionally AND physically (yay cold!)

But there are worse things, right? This too will pass.

I'm so tired...

My mom is a sweetheart. Yesterday, my first day home, I was talking with her and started crying. Being home is weird. I literally don't have any friends that I could just call up and say, "Hey, do you want to hang out?" I could make some...but at that point, I was just tired and I needed someone to talk to right then. I've become such an intensely relational person (and a very sensitive person) since starting college that I crave that connection with people. If I'm not having real, honest, beautiful conversations with others--it wears me out. I NEED to connect with other people. So to be home is hard for me...I have to adapt.

My mom was super :) She immeadiately set to work making strawberry lemonade! And then we had a really good chat...which I needed. It's so easy to feel like a failure at relationships, especially when you're just starting to get to know someone, and I think that's what I'd been feeling this last week. God bless it! :) And now (of course) my voice is gone...so the only way I have really communicated today is through this blog...

Funny...

Anyway, here in the waiting, living in a world where sickness still is alive. May Your Kingdom come soon, Lord. I need Your strength.

The Love of the world

I can't believe it's only been a week :)

Hmm...

My room is vaguely unpacked...clothes hung up, my random papers hung on the walls, lots of color!

I have walked...18? miles as I have traveled from the place I volunteer to home...and it all feels great!

I sang a Psalm (#100) as I walked home yesterday and memorized it...I'll be sure and do that again (Serve the Lord with gladness. Come into His Presence with singing)

I'm educating myself as to the predicament that drugs cause and why kids choose to drop out of school (Philippe Bourgois writes good stuff)

My make up was done by a six year old today :)

I played hide and seek with two sixth graders and walked home with my siblings. We talked about "sticky balls". (The berries on manzanita bushes are sticky on the outside before they're ripe...I never noticed that before!)

I got to talk with the moms of kindergarteners and see them delight in their kids...what a pleasure.

We all have a small part to play (and it's usually not that small, it only looks small to us) in the world as we go through our daily lives. Are you connecting with people? Are you showing love? When you leave a room, is there a sigh of relief that follows you (hopefully not!) or a sigh of hope? What do you bring when you walk into your world?

I want to bring Jesus. I pray on the way to school that I would be a peace bringer, a joy bringer, a wisdom bringer, a love bringer. All these are found in our precious Savior. When we walk in His Presence, abiding in Him, the world around us has to change.

Watch yourself. All of us will be judged by our actions. What are you showing the world today?

My God shows His miracles, His wonder working power, every day. I see it in m friend Matt's life who, after being in a car accident approximately 24 days ago, is now ready to move into a rehab center after what should have been a fatal accident.

Should have been...but it wasn't.

My God is good.

And there are people who never wake up from comas. And there are people, many people, who will go to bed hungry tonight.

My hope does not lie in this world. I am waiting on a new day...

But there are glimpses here of glory...and that, truly, is what I live for.

May I be a glimpse of Your Glory Lord, as I walk this earth.

Move in me/ Sing with me/ Delight in me/ Dance with me/ Love with me...

Finally Among the Family

I'm home now...what a funny thing. And what a whirlwind!!! I stepped into all these places which have God's orchestration all over them. I can see that He has gone before me and placed all these things into a perfect sequence so that I walk in and am given financial providence and favor with people...it's just crazy.

Example (from yesterday, the first day I was home): I walk out of church and talk to a friend who tells me there's going to be a missions board meeting that day, would I like to come and talk about my trip? Would I ever! I go, spin my spiel, and they ask me questions (two of the people there didn't know me from Adam and kept a poker face while I talked--a little disconcerting). I leave the room, they vote and I am given the remainder of the money I need to go on my missions trip this summer. Stunning, no? I was a little shocked to say the least.

Then I walk onto a school campus this afternoon and fill out one form and them am invited to help out in the kindergarten classrooms. I had gone to this school when I was in the sixth grade--and people still remembered me. I was literally invited into that place and I hope to spend time in more than the kindergarten classrooms, but I get to start there, and I'm thrilled!

I want to start a prayer group at my church--that was one thing I felt I needed to do when I got home...pray for me, that I move forward on that :) I just need to arrange a space for us to meet on Mondays and I need much direction from God--no, I need every direction from God in how He wants this prayer group to operate. This will be attacked, no doubt. God's people gathering together to link arms and call out to their loving Father who fights for them--that's a powerful thing. We must be on guard against every attack that will come and keep pushing forward, relying on our God for the strength. His is the power, the grace, the protection, everything we need...we just need to ask for it. And ask for it we shall!

Going forth in the mighty name of Jesus. To Him be the glory.

The Feast

"On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples

a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine,

of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined."

I love this...God is so good. Just realizing that all of us will be there--rich and poor alike...that made me cry as I read this. God has love for all of us, for the rich--who intentionally and unintentionally have caused much of the suffering in the world--and for the poor, who have had to endure through things no one should endure and often been treated as worthless...and yet, God sees no distinction. We all have been made victims (I don't know if that's the right word) or at least have been subject to the evil that has filled the world and (sometimes) seemed to conquer it. But His love...He sees no stain upon us, no judgement against us because of what Jesus has done! We are free! We are free! Will you shout that with me?

And on that day...that glorious day, when we will be brought into His presence never to be separated again, on that day we will all feast with Him. Sometimes I almost feel like we ("the rich") shouldn't deserve to be at that table--but God knows we have suffered too, perhaps even more acutely, though no one would claim that to be so. However, if you really think about it, what's worse: being continually hungry or living long with food in your belly but no understanding of what it truly means to be known by another person. I almost want to say we ("the rich") have the shorter end of the bargain. We are so lonely!

Haiti will be a blessing in the future to the nations which surround it. I firmly believe that. It's going to be so good!! (read this blog: http://bennyv.theworldrace.org This guys in Haiti right now and I love what he's saying!) We think we're helping them--and we are, materially--but the bigger blessing comes back to us as we realize our spiritual poverty and get hungry when we visit them and see how they are so filled! It's Jesus...He's so good! Crave Him!

One day we'll eat with Him...and check out what else will happen (the rest of that verse):

And he will swallow up on this mountain

the covering that is cast over all peoples, the veil that is spread over all nations.

⁸ He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,for the LORD has spoken.

⁹It will be said on that day,
"Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
This is the LORD; we have waited for him;let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation." (Isaiah 25:7-9)

He's alive He's alive! He's alive!!!!!

Learning to Hold a Vorpal Sword

God is so good...I'm glad He's in charge of my life.

It's funny to be where I'm at right now and just wonder...God has such big things ahead—and yet its all slow and gradual and in its time. Nothing needs to be rushed and nothing will be lost—I’ll make it right where I am supposed to, just when I'm supposed to get there...That's the beautiful thing about God's timing.

Florida in two years? That's where things are pointing! I even found a program at the University of Florida that will lead straight to teaching in an elementary school—my dream! If I could work with kids every day all day long for the rest of my life...that's all I need!

And then beyond being in the States as a teacher there's so much more! This is just preparation for what's ahead...

There will be much discouragement and temptation to lose heart in the years ahead…much prayer is needed and learning to abide—stand so close to Christ…it won’t be easy. Our enemy hates to see God’s purposes fulfilled in our lives! And I’m so vulnerable…but I have a good God, a strong God standing on my side. You just have to read some of the Psalms and it becomes so clear to you that the enemy cannot stand—God will always triumph and His purposes will come about. This is the time when He is training my hands for battle, teaching me how to fight the enemy. Man…just read Psalm 18 and 144…you can’t help but be so filled with hope. Our God is awesome…

A God whom we must learn to fear and regard as holy…teach us the proper way to respond to your goodness. We don’t want to be foolish…teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom…

I want to tremble before God, learn to speak only what He tells me to speak and live before Him purely—not having any selfish ambition or vain conceit, but making it the point of my life to bring Him glory and live in complete obedience to Him. I want this to be more than just words, I need His discipline. I am not who I ought to be…let me continue to walk in Your light Lord. Don’t let Your Presence leave us, don’t let us grieve Your Holy Spirit, have mercy on us.

I’m still in training...

I love this picture...it reminds me that we have all authority in Christ and the gates of Hell cannot stand against the church...Jesus holds the keys to death and Hades--do we even realize who He's created us to be as we follow Him? He's already made a way, we just have to follow Him into those dark places and bring light, as little children following our Father. He has put a beauty and a strength upon us and as we move with Him, we will see His goodness in our lives.

Psalm 18

25With the merciful you show yourself merciful;
with the blameless man you show yourself blameless;
26with the purified you show yourself pure; and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous.
27For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down.
28For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.
29For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall.
30This God—his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

31For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?—
32the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless.
33He made my feet like the feet of a deer
and set me secure on the heights.
34He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great.
36You gave a wide place for my steps under me,
and my feet did not slip.
37I pursued my enemies and overtook them, and did not turn back till they were consumed.
38I thrust them through, so that they were not able to rise; they fell under my feet.
39For you equipped me with strength for the battle;
you made those who rise against me sink under me.
40You made my enemies turn their backs to me, and those who hated me I destroyed.
41They cried for help, but there was none to save;
they cried to the LORD, but he did not answer them.
42I beat them fine as dust before the wind; I cast them out like the mire of the streets.

43You delivered me from strife with the people; you made me the head of the nations; people whom I had not known served me.
44As soon as they heard of me they obeyed me;
foreigners came cringing to me.
45 Foreigners lost heart
and came trembling out of their fortresses.

46The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock,
and exalted be the God of my salvation—
47the God who gave me vengeance
and subdued peoples under me,
48who delivered me from my enemies;
yes, you exalted me above those who rose against me;
you rescued me from the man of violence.

49 For this I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations, and sing to your name.
50Great salvation he brings to his king,
and shows steadfast love to his anointed,
to David and his offspring forever.

Purity

I know I should still be writing this essay...ha ha

But I just felt like writing about the goodness of God.

Have you know His goodness lately? Its like a blanket, a comfort wrapping you up so completely--and its like a hug from a friend who really understands--and He really understands.

I was standing in worship last night, no, I think I was sitting at that point, and I was suddenly there but not there--there was white light all around, so pure and holy, light like I'd never seen anywhere--and then there was Jesus and He was handing me something...or was I handing it to Him? I can't be sure, I just know we both were holding onto this heart and it was pure white like the light all around it. Names had been written on it, but they'd all been searing (I think that's the right word) of the surface of that heart and now it was whole, clean, no stain upon it--and then there was one name written across that heart--His name, Jesus.

May we live lives of purity, so much so that the only name written on our hearts is His. And let this be known--Jesus sees no stain on you. He's given you His name, to guard and defend your purity and He's given you His heart to go forth into the world and love. May that be your anchor and your tower of refuge, His name which is above all other names and His love, found in knowing Him deeply, and His righteousness, which is now ours, because we are His sons and daughters. Don't let anything draw you from that purity...I know I need to watch myself and my heart. I love that God is with us on this--He's doing the work, just as we are. Like that verse I ran across just a little while ago: "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:12-13

Keep dancing before Him and with Him. Remember that you are never alone. Jesus is always by your side, just waiting for you to reach out to Him. Take all your dreams and place them in His hands. He knows what to do with them.

He is good!

Standing Face to Face

Hmmm....I should be writing an essay

You know, as you learn more, you learn the implications of what you're learning. And when your following Christ, these things you learn that show you the brokenness of the world matter to you and you have to care, you love to care, because you are His and He is love.

But love isn't all that Christians crack it up to be. It's something much stronger and it hurts sometimes...because a lot of times pain changes you in ways that nothing else can--it makes you stronger somehow. This may not make sense, because its still forming in my mind, but the way we portray Jesus...I don't think that's what He really was like, a lot of times.

Like, Jesus would be intense. Some people wouldn't want to look Him in the eyes or talk to Him because they'd know He would uncover who they were as soon as He started asking questions. He just knew...

But He had this love...it like pulled people toward Him in a way they'd never felt and wouldn't know how to react to, they just knew that they wanted Him, wanted to be in His presence and feel His words--because the things Jesus said went so much stronger than skin deep...you felt the truth of it in your soul. To stand in His Presence while He spoke...

And to hear Him sing! What'd I'd give to hear Jesus sing (oh, wait, I have...:)

Hmm...I love that knowing God and His Son goes so much deeper than we ever were told. Like, all I want to do lately is stand face to face with Him...and that's all He's asking me to do at this point in my life.

So good.

PRAY FOR HAITI

Home with the family...craziness. Also a time when I do a lot of reading! It's nice to be able to sleep in...well, I kind of sleep in except for Sarah coming in and first asking me to help her make breakfast and then bringing breakfast to me--and it was delicious!

Last night--well all yesterday I was praying for Haiti. I found an article which was telling of an incredible conference going on in Haiti today, put together in part by a woman named Joan Hunter. I really know nothing about this woman, but healing follows her. Haiti needs this healing. I was told (multiple times) that I have the gift of healing, not necessarily physical, but emotional and spiritual. Even before this was spoken over me, I was part of one girl being healed--physically and emotionally--really powerfully. (Weird, I hadn't remembered that until now) I wonder what will come of this woman and her ministry.

The real conference started today and about 1000 pastors are supposed to be coming. They'll be learning/being trained for two days and the third day (when we celebrate Jesus' resurrection!) they'll be praying for the people of the city--and more than 1 million are expected to show up!

All of this is being held in front of the presidential palace, where the three days of fasting and prayer were held in February a month after the earthquake. God is still moving and reaching out to this desperate country with open arms through His children. I am amazed and so enchanted with how God is moving and the good things He's doing and the fact that I get to watch and pray through it all. I am alive at a time when things are moving quickly, the Spirit is so active. I never ever imagined that I would be a part of anything like this. God is so much more than I can put into words!

And today we remember the day He endured more pain than we can imagine--all for the sake of love for us.

The love shown on the cross...confounds me and leaves me with no words. What do we say to love shown in this self sacrificial way, love which is so different from the self-gratifying love we see played out before us everyday. The love of the cross makes us pause and squint as we try to comprehend; or else captures us for only a moment before we move on, unsure of how to put into words what we just saw.

I feel that far too often we just walk away from the cross--because it really doesn't make sense to us. Those who choose to pick up their own cross and follow after Him are far and few between.

But through these few the love of God spreads through the world. I am so excited for Haiti today...on the day when He picked up His cross and walked to His death, they are learning the power of His name and how He can free people from all that has kept them chained. After all, Jesus didn't stay dead forever! That cross was for one day--but Jesus came back from that defeat, and He was stronger than ever! Too often we see Jesus as the one who made a way for us to have eternal life--and we forget that that eternal life starts now! We live abundantly (but not as the world sees abundance) from NOW until FOREVER. If Christians started grasping this now--and calling on the abundant life that He has to offer--no more sin controlling you, no more sickness keeping you from your dreams and no more shame keeping you from speaking His name--how powerful we would be! The Holy Spirit is real, He came first at Pentecost and He is moving through the whole earth even now. We are meant to live out this life by relying on the Holy Spirit for our whole strength--because He is connected to Jesus and God, our Father. We're not living this life out trying to do good works out of our own strength, but by asking God what He's up to in the world (getting to know Him intimately, so much so that His words--found in the Bible--are always buzzing through our brain and we know Him, and the truth He spoke, deeply) and then asking Him to move through us as we talk with people, pray for people and love. It's only His power, and His power flowing through us as we rely on and abide in Him, that will change the world. So don't look to yourself anymore! There is a higher power and His yoke is truly easy and light! Call on Jesus with all that you have within you and He will hear. He has just been waiting for you to give your full attention to Him, no more distractions or other's voices keeping you away. What this world needs is Jesus--and He's just waiting for them to cry out to Him.

Full of hope and joy because of Him and His goodness toward us and Haiti...

Here in the Waiting with Jesus

Today is a little hard, but Jesus and I are making it together. I rejoice in Him and He really is worth waiting on. When the time comes I will go to Haiti. Meanwhile I watch and pray...I don't want any other Lover.

The words I got for the Haiti team can be found in John 14:
¹²"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father.
¹³"Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
¹⁴"If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it."
How powerful is that? May that team (which left today) call on Jesus' name together. I will be calling out on thier behalf too, every morning at 6 AM. May they have grace and strength, know His peace and let their hearts be broken. May they be opened to how much we need Jesus, and then find in Him strength.

The Love of God

So much GOOD is happening...

I've never been in a place in my life before where so many people have spoken into me. I guess I've lived out my faith so much of the time in a very American way--in that it has always been individualized and all about me--now something is shifting. I don't neglect meeting with God alone on my own...but times of community worship and just being with people are helping me grow in knowing God in ways I never thought possible. For example, I meet a woman named Krista (and kept seeing her everywhere) who has been a missionary in Mongolia--she'll probably read this, Hi Krista!--and when I gave my testimony last Monday, she was so incredibly encouraging. I spoke about being in Haiti and the helplessness while you're there that can overwhelm you. I only lived in that for three weeks--she's been living in that for more than two years! I can't imagine...but it created such a strength in her and a reliance on God. She said she was encouraged by my testimony, but I am far more encouraged by her and her choice to follow God even when it was so hard...she has such a faith.

And that's just one source of encouragement: I feel as though I am literally surrounded by people who keep telling me what they see in me and what they see in my future, who sit with me as I cry though those deep woundings in my heart. It's just so amazing. I'm crying right now as I type it. God is so good...because around this time last year, I had no one speaking into my life--it was so lonely. And now...

It makes me wonder what is ahead. God knows going to Haiti will be hard...hearing from my friends when they get back from their mission trip to haiti this spring break will be hard. My heart will be broken again, I can feel it. God is so good, He's such a guider and a provider. He prepares me for what is ahead of me.

Watch this video of Haitians worshipping. I love them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_l7bc1b2B3Y

A nation following after God...that is the dream (turning into a conviction) in my heart :)

I keep looking up videos about Haiti on youtube...

Today I typed in "haiti joy" and these are two videos I found:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRn1JtkQV8g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eH77vicTfrg

My heart is stirred within me.

Something is going on at my school, the likes of which I've never seen. I live in Redding and Bethel is near our school. Some of their students live on our campus and we've been meeting with them lately: worshipping and praying together, praying for each other. Crazy stuff spiritually...I used to be afraid of all of that--but Jesus is changing me. I want to know Him for all that He is, not just my itty-bitty version. I know that He will protect me and guide me in this time and I trust Him.

More to come...because there is always more of Jesus to be had!!! Revival...reconciliation...God on the move--we are seeing it in Haiti and in our hometown. God is so good!

Haiti...stretching out their hands to Jesus

Haitians surprise me every time!

After I wrote the last post, I ran into some videos about Haiti and a three day fast that went on their recently...I love to hear them sing--that's how I remember them best, singing in church...so to hear a whole city singing was something else altogether for me. Literally everything stopped in that country for three days while they had a time of fasting and prayer. Unbelievable, especially since this is the time of year when they should be having Carnival (which is the original Mardi Gras). Instead, they were seeking God...

My soul is at rest in God. It feels so weird to not have turmoil, but so good. I am ina place where I just trust Him and I trust His plans and His love for me.

They need teachers in Haiti! Lord, send me!

Oh, but I have so far to go...I must learn how to teach in English first and learn Haitian Creole...but...it feels like I'm on my way somewhere, and that is so good.

A group from my school will be traveling to Haiti this spring break. I went to one of their team meetings and was so blessed to be around them, to see the faces of people who will go to the country I love...May your love be so deeply in them that the Haitian people (or anyone they encounter) will feel that love and be transformed by it. You at work through your people--and probably in ways they never expected...

We love You, Lord. We love the way You work.

Check out these videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/kgroder#p/u/4/7mEeGgQRta4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ChGU5LgTSU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ex5UqAU33I

Okay and definitely watch the part in this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdXqguIA5Z8

where the Haitian (pastor?) speaks...so good!!! To hear from their mouths what God is doing and how they are turning to Him...wow...now words--God is bringing His new birth for them!!!

My Desperate Cry, God Move

I was reminded today of the deep love God has for me...

It's so easy to be so self condemning...I find myself picking at myself all day long and wondering why I am so bad at relationships...I just want to be able to connect with people on a really deep level and know their hearts--but this world...something about it makes it so difficult. You have to constantly know that person and know their heart, you have to keep it up and it's so easy to lose contact and then you feel like a failure for not having perfect relationships with everyone at all times--oh my gosh, it's so exhausting, even just thinking about it through the day...

I just want love to be seen so much in my relationships and shown through my actions and I feel like I fail so often--like my friend and I had a disconnect tonight over a movie because she cried a lot at it's ending and I didn't. It was a movie that showed how this couple poured all their love into this one crazy dog--and then he died. It showed them moving through the steps that accompany the American Dream--get married, get a good job, have 2.5 (in this case 3) kids and buy a big house in the country. I mean, that's great and I appreciate the accurate portrayl of a crazy dog and how difficult marriage can be--it was very well done--I just...

I just...love Haitians the way those people loved the dog. I want to do more in my life than live comfortably and give up some for a dog...

I've been reading/listening to Shane Claiborne and a lot of what he says makes so much sense to me...people are always moving out of the bad neighborhoods (like in this movie, it was part of the American Dream to get a job which earned more and move his family to a safer, more expensive neighborhood). But Shane has chosen to stay and establish good community in these places and form deep relationships and love people to the point where it probably hurts him every day--because people make bad choices (just like unruly dogs) and their choices have even great consequences, because they aren't these seperate pockets of humanity--we all affect each other deeply. Shane is living out the call of Jesus by staying in these neighborhoods and asking questions about why we got here--what is really going on to make people poor, dependent on welfare and selling drugs to stay alive--such good questions...it just resonates so much with me, because of Haiti...........I'm always wondering how I could possibly live so comfortably here when they have such a desperate struggle over there.........I mean, I ate for fun today and I exercise because it feels good and I get to worship and be clean and chat with friends and watch a dumb movie on this huge screen..........

I just can't think about it too much, maybe, because it just doesn't make sense and I don't have answers...I have to love myself right where I am, you know. I can't live with self loathing, it just doesn't help anyone. I pray, so desperately, that all the prayers I am praying aren't just words...let me truly go where you send, please God, don't let anything stop me--I couldn't stand it!!! It's just too much if I don't spend my life serving them--it's too much guilt? maybe...too much responsibility, to be given such a clear vision of what its like to be a Haitian and given such pure, unrelenting love and then to see none of your dreams come true because I stood in the way and my life ends up with me only loving a dog...oh, God, I am broken before You.

I am Yours and You are mine

My whole life is yours

I give it all surrendured to your name

and forever I will pray

Have your way

Have your way

That's the song playing on my iTunes right now, believe it or not...God knows my heart...move precious Savior. Let these not just be words.

Move precious Savior. Let not these be just words.

Move precious Savior. Let these be more than words...

The blessing of Oreos

I am so thankful for good friends!!! They bless me so much!

I've been on a shoe-string budget (as in, I can't afford to buy anything) and I don't mind...because it makes those little blessings that much sweeter. Such as right now, when my friend Cherith said, "I have something for you" and then ran to her room and came back with a whole container of Double-Stuf Oreos...and handed them to me! The whole container, not just two cookies! Do you know what a wealth that is to a girl who can't afford to buy anything? I was pretty floored and I asked her, "Are they all mine?" a couple of times. I just couldn't believe it...

It reminds me of God's grace. He has so much for us, His Holy Spirit meant to fill our lives and Him showing Himself through miraculous signs and words for us and yet...so many of us don't believe it. We can't believe He would bless us, we've made such a mess of things! And yet...it is all for us...oh, it floors me! Does it floor you? Ask God for an outpouring of all that He has for us, accept His gift!

I was watching the IHOP webstream and just dancing and asking God to outpour His Spirit...I was praying for His Spirit to fill Haiti...oh, it was so good. His Presence.

Seek Him, my friend. He is not far from any of us.

Jesus gave me a song the other day...I was quiet enough to hear and He sang right to me...then I worked with my friend Amanda (who plays piano amazingly) and we put it to music...

My grandpa had brain surgery and they found an irregularity in his heart...I'm praying...

My brother Paul wants to go to college at an Ivy League school.

My brother Danny finds out where the Navy is sending him after training tomorrow...

My brother Darien...I need to talk with him, see how he's doing. Same with my sister Sarah.

Give grace to my grandma Lord. Both of them.

We need You...we're longing for You, yearning for your purifying love to fill us. Blaze through us, Lord, let us be pure before You. Thank you for allowing us to worship You. We stand amazed...there's no other great than You. The more we see the more we love You...

Give it all up for Jesus

No wonder God tells us we must give up everything we own in order to serve Him...

I was reading this review of a book about a girl who traveled through China with her friend

(http://mindfultourist.com/2009/04/04/undress-me-in-the-temple-of-heaven-the-mindful-tourist-book-review/) and they put an excerpet in the book which really made me think. It's worth sticking in here: "We thought that by wearing burlap pajamas, contracting intestinal parasites, and opting to ride in third class with “the people,” we were somehow being less Western and more Asian. It never seemed to occur to us that only privileged Westerners travel to developing countries in the first place, then use them as playgrounds and laboratories for our own enrichment. Only privileged Westerners would consider it a badge of honor to forsake modern amenities for a two-dollar-a-night roach-infested guesthouse. Only privileged Westerners sit around drinking beers at prices the natives can’t afford while sentimentalizing the nation’s lower standard of living and adopting it as a lifestyle…we were kidding ourselves in thinking that we were somehow transcending our Western privileges by doing this "

Since high school, I've wanted to be a missionary...but all I see are Western people going into countries, making it comfortable for themselves and then helping a few people. And they are missionaries! Not to bash on all missionaries, because there have been some in the past and there are some now who have given up everything to serve God where He calls them. The thing is, I want to meet these people. I want to be close to them, to see their hardships and the amazing ways in which God gives them the strength to go on. I know I want to be a missionary, it's a desire put into me by God. However, I don't want to go and not know the cost, you know? I guess I'm seeking in my life to hear from those who have been through this process of giving it all away to reach people and...maybe find a model, someone to lead the way. Jesus was that person...He left the glories and comforts of heaven to live among the dirty, broken, and poor of this world. I guess...I'm just wanting to seek Jesus more. That must be what it is. I want to be like Him if I ever live among the poor. Because we really can't love people and relate to them and fill their needs if we don't know exactly what it is like to be one of them. We must live in these places, giving up everything we've ever known, if we are going to be able to minister to them. This is a truth Jesus knew (He learned their culture deeply before He ever began ministry) and I want to take on that mindset and live the way he did, wherever He puts me. It will cost a lot, we must give up everything to go. We must learn a total dependence on God (I mean, can you imagine getting on an airplane with a backpack full of clothes and then just making your way in a foreign country from that point? God might call you to do that. Are you ready?) I know that I am in a time of preparation at this point in my life...but I want to give it all for God.

Does this make sense, the concept of not having anything to lean on when you become that missionary in the foreign culture? You have to get rid of everything in order to be able to truly understand the people you are trying to reach. 'Cause the money gets in the way, the stuff gets in the way...you don't want them to admire your possessions, you want them to hear your message. Oh, power of God! Fill us up so we can give it all away for you! Fill us with Your Spirit, power from on high. We can do anything if you are the strength of our hearts.

Let us count the cost, remember Your cross and go forth singing. You have made us to be Your messengers, move us O Lord. Let us go!

We wait for You and in You our hearts rejoice for our hope is in Your unfailing love.

Have you ever been in a place of perfect peace?

That's where God has kept me these past two weeks...it's so interesting, because my whole walk with Him has consisted of me learning to trust Him more and more. And right when I think I've learned the lesson, something else comes up that I have to trust Him with--such as my family in Haiti who I worried over so much last year.

But now...now is a time of trust. God is so good! I trust He knows what He is doing in Haiti and He is still saving people from rubble (like those two little kids and the 24 year old man, the kids were buried for eight days and the man for eleven). It's just crazy! Much has brought pain in Haiti in the last few weeks...but Jesus is at work in this nation. So good! I keep praying that He would be brought glory through this time--and I feel as though He told me that Haiti would have NEW BIRTH in the future--and I'm so excited to be a part of that, whatever it may be.

I definitely know I'm headed for Haiti in the future...my life is tied up with theirs in a way I cannot put into words. I was talking with my friend Susan and she said that sometimes supernatural connections occur like that--and I totally believe that. God has tied me to that country (I have tried to let it go and offered it to God to take away...but they are always on my heart. I love them and I believe it comes from God) and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Oh God, your unfailing love...

Praying on Friday night with my friend Bre and a high school friend named Sierra, I read this Psalm, which had been so important for me in the days before my team went to haiti. I'm going to type it up here. May it bring you hope, whatever you may be facing in your life.

"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;

it is fitting for the upright to praise him.

Praise the Lord with the harp;

make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.

Sing to him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy!

"For the word of the Lord is right and true;

he is faithful in all he does.

The Lord loves righteousness and justice;

the earth is full of his unfailing love.

"By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,

their starry host by the breathe of his mouth.

He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;

he puts the deep into storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the Lord;

let all the people of the world revere him.

For he spoke and it came to be;

he commanded and it stood firm.

"The Lord foils the plans of the nations;

he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.

But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,

the purposes of his heart through all generations.

"Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,

the people he chose for his inheritance.

From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all humankind;

from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth--

he who forms the hearts of all;

who considers everything they do.

"No king is saved by the size of his army;

no warrior escapes by his great strength.

A horse is a vain hope of deliverance;

despite all it's great strength it cannot save.

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,

on those who hope in his unfailing love,

to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

"We wait in hope for the Lord;

he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,

even as we put our hope in you."

May Haiti be that blessed nation that belongs to Jesus. He is rescuing His people, all who call out to Him. Pray that all the money which is being directed that way goes into programs which help the majority of the people and not into corrupt politicians pockets. May our God reign in that nation, and may Haiti be a nation that loves the Lord. He will be their help and their shield.

My Family in Haiti

School's running full tilt and I'm planning to pray every night at nine 'o' clock in our prayer chapel on my university's campus. One friend has joined me so far and I hope for more. You can begin to feel terribly alone...

Haiti, everything that goes on in Haiti, always hits me hard. I looked at the pictures the Los Angeles Times has up on its webpage and...it's crazy. It's so real, but I just don't get it...lots of people are going to die and it's just numbers, but these were people, beautiful people.

The family I have there lived in the mountains above Port au Prince, near the Dominican Republic border (the most beautiful spot in the world that you have to go over crazy roads to get to, squashed into a car...I love it!! except for the legs going numb part) They should be okay, but I'm sure they make frequent trips into Port au Prince...they could have been there when the quake hit. In any case, I wonder what they're thinking and feeling, what they know so far about what happened in the city below them.

I just don't know.

I think that's what almost killed me this time last year was the not knowing. I had hideous pictures going through my mind of...it was grisly. God gave me a picture of hope though and I choose to focus on that, on children with bright smiles and healthy faces in beautifully colored clothes. The orphanage...

Someday, I'll live in Haiti. A literacy program will be up and running for them and there will be an orphanage called "In His Name" (whatever that looks like in Creole). It may be far off, but I'm working towards God's dream. I have His hope and I have His son living in me. It's beautiful and I can't wait, but I don't mind waiting on the Lord in this time. His ways are perfect and so is His timing. I know that full well. In the meantime, I pray and learn and He prepares my heart. What a glorious God!

Hey...

I'm tired. School started again and Haiti is currently in a state of chaos...crying wears you out, especially when you do it all day. :)

But it's good...thinking of myself (as always, I'm a selfish human being) and God restored me to a much better place spiritually as it came to our relationship the day before this tragedy...if I hadn't had that right relationship, everything in place, with Him I'm not sure how I would have reacted. Thank God for restoring His children to Himself and giving of Himself to us, even when we're unfaithful with what we've been given.

The book which helped a lot in that restorative process was Rob Bell's book "Drops Like Stars". Read it, if you can. You don't even have to buy it, you could read it in approximately two hours in a bookstore if you have the time. It's beautiful, it makes you think and it was very timely for me.

I love how God does that work in our lives, moves just when we need Him.

I have faith in a good God...even when it sometimes does seem as though the world is ending.

Keep praying for Haiti. Relief is coming, but they need miracles to get that aid form the airport into the city. They need people willing to dig other people out of the rubble. They need peace and love, God's presence. The whole city has been leveled basically by this earthquake, including all government offices. Nothing is functioning.

They need a lot of help. They need miracles. Pray for miracles.

He's good. Good will come even through this. Look for the beauty.

I love Haiti

How do you scream when you have no voice left
How do you sing when the song is only in your head
How do you cry when you feel no one will hear
How do you love in a world full of fear

This life
It gets so desperate
We're crying out for you
There's no else to hold onto
This life
It's so fragile
If you leave us Lord we'll die

But you came
And you brought us
New Life
Something we had never thought of
New Life
So let the rain come
Let it pour over me
I'm gonna be fine
Because Jesus is with me

And rains may come
And storms abound
They flood the earth
But I'm always found

Still alive (Seeking you)
Still alive (Seeking you)
Still alive (Seeking you)
May I be always found
Seeking you

Haiti was hit by an earthquake today. Please pray for them. I'm in shock...going to go to the prayer room at my school...I need Jesus. May good come...

Calling to a Generation

Think on this: "And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says, 'I know him' but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may be sure that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked." 1 John 2:3-6

Wow...will you just allow yourself to think on this for five minutes? That's what I'm going to do, just pause and stare at these words for five minutes...and write what I'm thinking--will you do the same?

Comments: okay, first off, what does it really mean to be a Christian? Because if we're figuring out who is a Christian and who is not and we use this verse...we cut a lot of people who attended church out of the picture...
Makes you think: am even I truly a Christian? Do I walk as He walks? Do I know His words well enough, are they deep enough in me, that I follow them throughout my life and find that His love is being perfected in me? For the most part...okay, completely!! I do not measure up! I can think of times when God's words (Scripture) are so a part of me because I'm studying that they are always going through my brain and when I take action I am aware of doing things differently than most because it is right (such as lending a friend a camera worth $1000 for the summer because I am aware that everything I have has been given to me as a gift of God and therefore should be shared freely and not hoarded..and a lot of other times, when I've done or been able to do things I never would have, except that God was moving in my life). Can I honestly say I miss that? I mean, this is the first time in days that I've opened my Bible. I hate that. But so many things grab for our attention, especially in this digital age. I mean, you can spend all day on the internet, so easily...and then that day is gone. Let me analyze what I did today, to my shame and heartbreak: watched an old 1950's sitcom on youtube.com, went on facebook three times, read a couple chapters in a book (after waking up around 9:30 am), made tea, moved a bathtub, walked about 2.5 miles with my siblings and got the mail, read a whole Reader's Digest...you get it, right?

It's not that I was wasting time or that any of those things are evil. I interacted with family, had a good day...but no time for God. No time for me to be alone for five minutes and reflect and let thoughts drop in my head (I'm not even reflecting now, I'm still yammering) The point is, I think we far too easily get caught up in what's going on in our petty, mostly meaningless lives and miss out on the work that God is doing. There are people who wake up everyday to God and say, "I'm yours, use me as you want to. I'm here to serve." I feel as though I am calling to a generation, "RECLAIM YOUR LIVES!" We are such slaves to technology...I know there are people who never leave their computer. Please, live! Make relationships, ones where you really speak with people and let them know what is going on in your heart, relationships where you can look each other in the face and learn to understand one another and be there for one another in the rough times. I feel that's what our generation needs more than anything, that face to face interaction, learning to relate to one another again. Because as long as we're all safe behind our computer screens, we can pretend other people don't exist. We can treat others like dirt and forget love and...do you see where we are going? It's a wide, long dusty path...Come off of it, find the rivers of life and be one with Jesus, abiding in Him. I am preaching to myself here, I feel addicted to being able to stay on the internet all day, I need a change in my own life, a time when I just pause and focus on some of Jesus' words...

Take the time with me, will you? We can't change the world, I know...only the Jesus living in us can do that. Ask Him to be a major part of your life. I'm asking Him...and I know He answers.

I called
You answered
And I'll keep going where You send me
Cause I
Want to be where You are

My whole life I place in Your hands
God of mercy
Humbled I fall down
In Your Presence
At Your throne

In my life
Be lifted high
In my world
Be lifted high
In my love
Be lifted high

-song lyrics slightly altered by me

Dance with Him. Dance for Him. Sing His praise. He's worthy, He's worthy. Remember the cross and cling to the One who thought YOU valuable enough to die for.

I want to learn to walk as He did. Will you join me?

Let Your love become us, Lord.