We Are Not What We Seem

Hmm...there are a million things i should be doing--sleep comes to mind--but my chances at internet are spotty and I feel like writing: so here's the blessing. The rambles of an often crowded mind, not sure of her own existence or its worth. Fighting her way to the top and excellence because she can't let up her own pressure that she puts on herself. Happy...no. Introspective...always, a little too much.

I remember being twelve. That summer when I had a lot to think about and not much to say and my mom's one comment as we drove down the road was, "It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile." She was right--but I hadn't even realized what I was doing--and it takes so much effort to figure the world out--it's just exhausting.

I'm not trying to figure it out anymore, I promise. I gave Jesus my trust--instead of being in control--and that gave me the joy that no one in my family had ever truly experienced (we're a family of depressives) and I was a new breed.

So...I'm not happy these days--but that isn't the condition for joy is it?

Happiness is beautiful but it is dependent on circumstances and doesn't stay. Joy--for me defined by one of my old college professors (don't I sound distinguished saying that!)--is the endless knowing that everything will be all right...that this is not how the world ends and we have so much more to look forward to [I (obviously) expanded the definition...thank you Professor Griffin, for making that distinction between joy and happiness for me--its helped see me through many a rough day.]

Happiness, no. Joy, yes--the joy of knowing the truth of the resurrection and the even greater truth of living out what came before the resurrection every day alongside Him. Of giving up what I wanted, everything i wanted! (oh! the ache!) because to know Him was and always has been far more precious. To look into His eyes and realize that He knows what He is doing with me and this waiting--endless waiting--is all being woven into a beautiful story that never will end. That the joy He imparts is always going to be more full than any cheap substitute the world dangles in my face.

I keep hearing this message of overcoming and how powerful and full of joy our overcoming is. That we wouldn't wish this pain and ache and wondering without answers onto anyone--not even our worst enemies--but the Lord chooses to use the pain and the mess and the uncertainty to refine and refresh and strength us. That we are not what we seem--and the Lord sees the heart: all that it has gone through, all that it has endured and the gold He is creating--and it amazes, it overwhelms Him. (Read the end of Song of Songs--and listen to what Mike Bickle says about it.) And when the end comes, with all our accounts before Him, it won't be a "my, my, my, you could have done better" (Jesus, change the tape in my head! haha) but a "my, my, my look what you overcame."

We stand with Him, we stand for Him in all the worst life has to bring and He finds us beautiful. In our incompleteness, all the ways we don't measure up, He sees the heart behind it and says, "well done. you were one of my kids and you loved me." And that's His favorite, we're His favorite, just being His.

I guess I live for and I'm learning to work for a different joy: His. And that's all.

My Friend Asked Me this Question....

 I love friends who make you self-reflect—I have a friend who recently asked me to elaborate on what love is—in the general sense and the romantic sense. This was the result:

“To me, love means self giving...and I've come to understand it in this way over a lot of years--even a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you it in that concise of language. To elaborate--if you love someone it takes you outside of yourself and your comfort zone and your needs--you lose yourself in taking care of them. It's like you choose (sometimes easy and sometimes hard) to let yourself take the backseat and get wrapped up in caring for them, taking care of their needs, making sure they are safe and becoming productive and finding wholeness. Now, to clarify, if this is done without the help of the Holy Spirit and His guiding grace and well as boundless love and energy, you will fall short. (And you'll mess up regardless). I find more and more--especially working in my classroom--that I must have my source--love, joy and hope--coming from God through the Holy Spirit before I can ever reach out to my kids or anyone else in true life-giving love. So, if you want to love well, you must first be loved well, but you cannot seek the totality (you may find a bit of it) in the love you receive from other humans. Your first source always has to be God and Jesus through the Holy Spirit. I see a lot of people striving to show love to others because they're Christians and we're told to love everyone and they become co-dependent (their thinking becomes "my only true source of worth is in being needed by someone”) and they become burnt out. They surrounded themselves with needy people because that gave them worth and then the needy people took and took and took from them, they eventually become so depleted that they can't even function anymore...but it's addicting!!! I speak from experience in this regard--my mom was a classic co-dependent (and she knows it) so I learned all those behaviors and had to unlearn many things (with Jesus' help!! haha). Now I'm a co-dependent--but I am co-dependent on God, not other people, to fill me and...in a strange way that I don't understand...He needs me. We were created to be partners with Him--He needs us to work alongside Him to do all those good works He planned long in advance for us to do. (but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation).”

“Romantic love--it's not like the movies. I like calling it an ordinary miracle--here is a selfish human being whose only thought was for him or her self--and then all of a sudden, someone comes along who fills their world and they are willing to put aside their wants and needs to serve, encourage and bring hope to this individual. Their life expands and they begin to see the whole world differently. I think we get caught up in all the benefits that come to us (that's what movies portray--you find a person who 'completes' you and you don't argue--it's all bubbles and sunshine and if at some point it's not working out for you, you step away). But that's not God’s idea--He wants a Christian marriage to put Him on display--and He has faithfulness that see us through whatever mess you're in, love that does not change based on how you treat Him and joy in the exchange--He delights in seeing you do well and will do whatever it takes to see that you are successful. The way Timothy Keller puts it is this "If you can see the mess in a person's life and it doesn't scare you off, but rather you can also see the person they have the potential to become and are willing to work with them in the midst of that...you could marry that person." (that's a total paraphrase)”

“In other words--you're not in it for what you get out of it. Every person has this potential that we catch small glimpses of--like when a majestic mountain shows itself through the clouds. A lot of days, the person they're becoming is veiled in a way--hidden behind the clouds. You have to hang in through those days when they're just an ordinary, messy human being and keep loving with all the strength He gives you. “

“So 'romantic' love has super awesome benefits--we know all about those (haha, no, we don't--not married yet :) ) but it's just as tough to love them--especially when we get used to them--IF we don't choose to be filled with the love of the Lord...and HE TOTALLY WILL ALWAYS FILL US--we have to keep choosing to submit to His guidance and leading as it comes to learning how to love our spouse (when that day comes :) ) but it's not going to be impossible.”

“So...all of that long realm of words sums up to this--it's really important to put Jesus in the middle--He is what makes the miracle of love possible. You cannot love properly without first being filled and empowered by His love and don't think they're going to be perfect--they won't and neither will you. But if the Lord reveals to you who/what they are becoming--you can see them as they are and know that it is worth marching up this mountain with them. You will choose to stand beside them in the storms of life because you know that this life--his (your husband) is worth fighting for and Jesus has so much love in front of us.”

“I hope this makes sense and isn't just a lot of overwhelming words. It's never going to be perfect--but it will be worth it.”

the Good Teacher

It's been a while...

...maybe that's an (hmm, what is the opposite of an exagerration? an understatement? a completely ridiculous under-analysis? who cares?)

all in all--life has been nuts. I fly back and forth between parallel worlds, all needing my time, all needing my attention, all taking space, time, joy, hope--it feels like everything that has been me has been rearranged these last few months and the new me--the one typing into this computer right now--is a foriegn person to me. i haven't even been able to begin the interrogation to find out how she thinks and feels and does life--I just let her go. She messes things up (for example: I recieved the award for messiest classroom recently--this is not a thing to be proud of for all those of you who stood up and clapped), feels inadequate, wears shoes that don't fit and is constantly in a hurry (there's always one more thing to do! and then one more and then one more...)

she's wearing me out...honestly

i kick her out one day a week--she tries to crowd in and tell me all the things i haven't accomplished and "let's think through this lesson plan" and "how do you think this student is doing?" and "what's the capital of Michigan?" "what does your principal think of you?" "are you sure you're fit for this job?" "when will you get to this?" and on and on and on

and on that one day when i finally get her to shut up and look me in the face and find me again--the toilet overflows...the dog shits all over...my little sister has various tantrums over nothing, demanding i join her in her insolent rage against the world and what it makes her do...

i find my peace--just barely...and cling to it--again, just barely....ahhh....

i tell you the truth, if i have another week like this one...if my observation with my principal doesn't go well on monday...if i have to keep changing and revising SO MANY LITTLE THINGS OVER AND OVER....

oh i could tell you how hard--but then i remember real love...a love i am called to--not told i have to muster up, but display

and this love was not easy, freely given...the choice was agony, sweating blood "brutal" would be the proper term...brutal indeed

a love that goes past whether these kids, in my class, deserve my love, HIS love that He offers to pour out THROUGH me...the choice isn't mine, the death to myself isn't mine--and yet it is

every day i am learning--he is putting me through the wringer on this--that love is free, costs nothing and will never originate from me. i must DIE to what i want, what i think i need and look HIM straight in the face every morning and say, "If i want to LIVE i must have more of you. every day i am dying without you and it is right for me to die because it calls me to cry out for more of you. and though this transfer is painful and takes much more trust than i thought i could ever (or would ever want to) muster up, i WILL STILL CHOOSE YOU."

and that is my life...the only life i have now...

and He is enough--though it is painful, burning away all those things which try to teach me to be safe, protect myself and not allow love to seep through--but i am saying no to all my old tendencies...dying so that i may truly live...and finding that the life on the other side was more to be gained than all i could have ever kept if i had stayed safe, locked up and private--open love, vulnerable and dangerous, reaching out even though your fingers may get slammed in the door--this is the only way for me now. and i am stumbling and a fool and don't get it right even half the time, I am learning...for HE is a good teacher--and He's making me into one who is shaped just alike, directly out of His image, i am.

Teach on, Good teacher...this one is willing. 

Questioning God?

This sums up a lot of what I believe and have had to think my way through over the last through years. Enjoy.

“After the fall from Paradise, history entered a new phase. Creation God had done by Himself, starting with nothing and ending with the universe in all its splendor. The new work is Re-Creation, and for this God employs the very human beings who had originally spoiled His work. Creation progressed through stages: first stars, then the sky and sea, and on through plants and animals, and finally man and woman. Re-creation reverses the sequence, starting with man and woman and culminating in the restoration of all the rest.

In many ways the act of Re-creation is harder that creation, for it relies on flawed human beings. Surely, it has cost God more: the death of His Son. Still, God insists on healing the world from the bottom up, rather than from the top down.

As I studied Job, it struck me that The Wager was, at its heart, a stark reenactment of God’s original question in creation: Will the humans choose for or against me? From God’s point of view that has been the central question of history, beginning with Adam and continuing on through Job and every man and woman who has ever lived. The Wager in the Book of Job called into question the whole human experiment.

Satan denied that human beings are truly free. We have freedom to descend, of course—Adam and all his descedants proved that. But freedom to ascend, to believe God fro no other reason than, well…for no reason at all? Can a person believe even when God appears to him as an enemy? Or is faith one more product of environement and circumstance? The opening chapters of Job expose Satan as the first great behaviorist: Job was conditioned to love God, he implied. Take away the rewards, and watch his faith crumble. The Wager put Satan’s theory to the test.

I have come to see Job’s trials as a crucial test of human freedom, an important issue in modern times as well. In our century, it takes faith to believe that a human being amounts to more than a combination of DNA programming, instincts of the gene pool, cultural conditioning, and the impersonal forces of history. Yet even in this behaviorist century, we want to believe differently. We want to believe that the thousand hard and easy choices we make each day somehow count. And the Book of Job insists that they do; one person’s faith can make a difference. There isa role for human beings, after all, and by fulfilling that role Job set a pattern for anyone who ever faces doubt or hardship…

Why the delay? Why does God let evil and pain so flagrantly exist, even thrive, on this planet? Why does He let us do slowly and blunderingly what He could do in an eyeblink?

He holds back for our sakes. Re-creation involves us; we are, in fact, at the center of His plan. The Wager, the motive behind all human history, is to develop us, not God. Our very existence announces to the powers in the universe that restoration is under way. Every act of faith by every one of the people of God is like the tolling of a bell, and a faith like Job’s reverberates throughout the universe.” (Philip Yancey, Disappointment with God, pg. 191-2, 194)

Dancing with a Cat

It's been the year of a promise—and sometimes that was all I had. Just the promise that the Lord was near, He knew what was going on in my family and He loved me. That was all I had some days.

It’s so easy in these days of instagram, facebook and twitter to make our little worlds (and yes, we all think we live in our own little worlds) look really good. You put up the good pictures, the faces you like to see day after day, the smiles and fun times. We can forget—or even worse, never address—the real issues in our families, at our workplaces, the real brokenness. After all, if our life sucks (or is even just unpleasant) it doesn’t take much to phase out of it and pretend its not happening. If my family member is being truly annoying, all I have to do to ignore them and avoid our issues is whip out my phone and look up crazy cat pictures. Wha-la! All that anyone knows about my day today on facebook is that I found a really funny picture of a cat with his head stuck in a jar.

But what if that cat is me? What if I am walking around with a jar on my head, insulating me, yes, from all my problems, but also slowly choking the life out of me? Wouldn’t you want to be warned about that danger? Wouldn’t you like to take your head out of the jar and breath deeply again, because it will give you life, even if it seems like you’re not protected anymore?

By the way, our devices and methods for staying protected are also a sham. Have you seen a human lately? It’s a wonder we don’t fall apart as we’re headed out the door, walking to our cars. There is nothing about these wobbly, two-legged beings that has any true defense. I mean, think about it, if evolution were true, we would have been the first ones eaten. Don’t give me that sham about how we have superior intelligence and build shelters. We should have all been eaten by bears and tigers long ago (in whatever form they were in back then…). Genesis 9:2-3 gives the only reason for our continued existence…so if we can’t protect ourselves and our families and our little worlds are falling apart at the seams, and we see but don’t even know how it happened or where to go from here…but wait, you can’t face that reality. It’s too drastic, too real and you don’t have any solutions…

Let me tell you, I did, and hard. No crazy cat pictures for me, God put my face in the stinky mess that was my family and He pushed down, hard. It was “uncover-all-your-shit-and-deal-with-it” year at the Dailey’s (pardon, the language, just describing it accurately). We were gross. We had to pick our way through years of garbage (I literally did that my first few months home, cleaning out my little brother’s room), unpack things we had just let be buried and fester, and start the really gross process of cleaning up house.

I’ve never seen anything like what my family had to go through this year. It was like we were being ripped apart from the inside as God just radically altered the way we saw each other and chose to interact. It was really painful at times, I just shut the door to my room after being a part of or just witnessing interactions with my family and just cried out! So painful…my closest friends (who are super prayer warriors) got texts from me all the time just asking for prayer. I knew we needed breakthrough and I knew it was not going to happen unless God intervened. There was no more hiding behind pretty pictures and dancing around reality—it was getting real!

It was a weird year—I kept saying, “It can’t get any worse” in this hopeful tone and then it would get worse and I just wondered, “When in the %@*$ will this end?” I’m so glad for my community. I just wouldn’t have been able to keep existing without them.

Finally, it got bad, really bad, like awful. Everything that had been sort of functioning shut down all at once: my parent’s marriage, my little sister, my brother in his group home—nowhere that I looked in my family could I see any sign of hope—not a whiff. But the weird, crazy, sustaining thing was that it didn’t phase me. I didn’t go off the deep end, even though they all were. I even had joy and peace in the middle of the chaos. The Lord had taught me His nearness and His abiding in such a deep way that it just didn’t matter what came against me anymore—my hope was in Him and that’s where it stayed. And He was never shaken throughout this whole process, so I wasn’t either. Sure, I cried a lot and prayed and called other friends to lift certain situations up to Jesus—but He never let me give way completely: He was always my protection, my shield.

Now, looking back, all I know is that He is good. My parents had it out with each other—but finally saying the things that had been burning in them (in a bad way) cleared the air: they were able to act married again (actually happy) after being really raw and honest with each other. My little sister had to literally leave us behind to find healing—but find it she did and she is working hard with SO MUCH GRACE on her life to find out who she is in Him, restore her relationship with her parents and be a light to her high school friends. (Watching her is like watching every impossible prayer I prayed for the last year over that little girl come to life—literally miraculous. And I know it’s not an act this time, because you can just see Jesus shining out of her eyes. She’s the epitome of Colossians 1:13.) Darien is still a little nutty—but God’s got His work going on there too. This little bro of mine has been through a lot, but I know that above and beyond that the Lord has protected him from much—still praying.

I say all of this to say that when you finally get what God can do for you, you can’t help but want all of Him, all the time. I keep singing “You won’t relent until you have it all/ My heart is Yours” (that song has been so powerful in my life lately—lots of chains broken as I’ve sung it and last night singing it…I don’t even know what happened!) and right on the heels of that song comes this one: “It’s a relentless pursuit/ Relentless pursuit/ I will not stop/ Chasing after You”.

I believe we cannot have one without the other—and by that I mean, once you realize just how relentlessly the Lord is pursuing—once you sing that song and really mean it—you can’t help but reciprocate with the same kind of relentless abandon as you follow after God. I think that anyone who thinks they are pursuing God but don’t have a true “spiritual” knowledge (much different from the world’s knowledge) of just how relentless He is pursuing you are really missing it. I want you to drop your instagram, your Twitter, all your facebook friends and take a real look at reality—what the Lord is doing in your life, how He follows you, how He speaks to you even in the middle of your dirtiest, worst places. If He would follow me and my family all through this awful, stinking year—watching us, interceding for us, being good to us even when we didn’t deserve it, encouraging and sustaining us—if that is true—AND IT IS, we can stand before you more whole and healed than we ever were—if that is true-then NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE in your life. He’ll follow you to the ends of the earth and beyond to satisfy your deepest needs and keep you from the hurt you would cause to yourself—it’s a relentless pursuit. And once you get that, once you understand on this new level how much love is offered to you—man, you’re never going to be the same.

I’ll see you on the other side.

Inspired by Mark 6: 53b-56:

“When they had crossed over, they came to land at Gennesaret and moored to the shore. 

And when they got out of the boat, the people immediately recognized Him and ran about the whole region and began to bring the sick people on their beds to wherever they heard He was. 

And wherever He came, in villages, cities or countryside, they laid the sick in the marketplaces and implored Him that they might touch even the fringe of His garment.  

And as many as touched it were made well.”

That's a Marriage

My brother's getting married in a few weeks--astonishing really!

Not that he's incapable or unworthy of love--but just love, in itself, is an astonishing bit of joy. Sometimes its the craziest thing ever showing up in the middle of pain and the brokenness that can sometimes surround a life. Pouf!--bang!--something new happens and you're never the same! haha

I was working on the "Bride" chapter in my book yesterday--that call is on all of our lives. Heidi Baker puts it really well--I was reading one of her books the other day and she talked about how this love--loving our Father--will cost us everything, but why should we be surprised? That's what it takes to have a great love story. You truly have to give yourself up, completely, for the sake of the other person. At first it's easy because that love is so all consuming--you would literally do anything for them. And then, hopefully, it becomes a lifestyle for you--your life is about seeing this other person become well and whole (not in a co-dependent, "he needs me!" way, but in a "I love seeing Jesus work out His life through you" way that stays near and keeps hoping even in the roughest times), seeing them come fully to life in Him.

That takes a lifetime, a true commitment--and it's never easy. Falling in love with and then choosing to follow God is a lot the same--you must learn a steady commitment, faithfulness--and it's never going to be super easy. It's soul work--hard soul work--to stand by someone, to stand by God and see this journey through to the end. But that's the call on our lives--to live out our lives fully and completely before Him and each other, in this glorious, breaking, joyfully, painful, beautiful and vastly ugly way--all your flaws exposed and yet, at the same time, redeemed.

That's a marriage.

You Shall Love Me

It's been a long week...well, to be truthful, a long year :)

Everything is ready for next year--but none of it is within my sights. Strange place to be...

When the course of your life is set by your Creator, but you, the human, have no idea, it becomes a dance of sorts, your whole life a dance. That's often how I see Jesus and myself--dancing.

It's close, it's interactive, it's give-and-take--you searching out this other person as they move and respond with you. I want to say, I often don't do a very attractive dance. I wind up spinning off in the wrong direction, forgetting the dance steps or squashing His toes. I've often been seen racing off into the dark when the dance floor is clearly lit up and waiting. I squander my time, playing in the sand when I should be learning the steps of the dance.

In truth, I am an awful dancer, the most uncoordinated of any group. I actually took quite a few dance classes/exercise classes involving dance and it was pitiful! Even the simplest steps could elude me--I would waltz my way tragically through the course...I could learn a dance--eventually. I just had to stumble through the first round, go back and see it taught again and voila! after a bit of practice, I could find my way...

But the time, you must put the time in...it's going to be a struggle, perhaps a bore for those watching you not get it (your classmates) and it takes perseverance. It takes setting your mind to it. All of life is a dance.

I come from a long line of self-defeatists, for whatever reason. Struggle becomes a reason to muddle through life, not the power behind you to overcome. I could have learned that, almost learned that. But instead, the Lord had a different plan, a redemption to be made even of my uncouth family--we do not have to stay the same. What our fathers carried and claimed as normal can be laid down in our lifetimes so that we can skip forward, happy and FREE! I am my father's daughter, but I am not his burden bearer--for I have turned to another One! It really began in high school, this learning to carry my cross instead of giving up and admitting defeat. I took a Calculus class (shudder with me) and found that for once in my life, my brain failed me. I simply could not grasp the concepts with the ease and pizazz that I had been capable of at any other time in my studies. It was the strangest feeling, failing that class...

But I didn't fail, I persevered. I cried through homework, got a tutor and received a 3/5 on the AP Calculus test--which earned me four units of college credit, not bad! It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but also the most rewarding.

Enter river guiding, Hebrew, student teaching in a self-contained 6th-8th grade classroom--perseverance has been my gift and like any truly good gift, I have had to struggle through it. Nothing has been easy, not for years now. I can't even remember what it feels like to really relax and know that nothing bad is going to happen--because it just does. This is not my pity party, just my weary truth--I get tired of waiting--and for what, I don't know!

So, the dance--ever continuing, ever beautiful, ever painful, ever close...the gift in your suffering (for some say all suffering is alone, no other human can understand the pain you go through or how you experience it), the anguish--it has brought you a closeness with God that you could not have imagined, dreamed or even longed for before. I'm so tired of all of this--my heart cries out sometimes--and then the moments become reframed: I'm close to you in this, says the only One who can understand. See, we don't get healed, except by His wounds. And we can't love someone--truly, in an empathetic, other-comforting way--unless we know what they have gone through, their pain has been real to us. So I don't know what the Lord will do with my life--some days it looks like nothing!--but I do know He loves. And He brings redemption--and He sees pain.

And that's all I need.

"I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me

He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me...

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed

He had arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding...

He said to me, 'You shall love me, You shall love me, 

You shall love me, you shall love me..."

--Misty Edwards, Arms Wide Open

Stop the Lies--You're Missing Jesus

I'm really not okay--and I'm okay with it.

I keep running across this concept that we teach each other--and our children--and expect socially (especially in the church) to be liars. It's not intentional, it's no ones fault, it's just the way things fall out so often…to be truly honest, vulnerable and real about what's going on in your life is often not a good/healthy thing to express to people you barely know--and sometimes, that's what the people at church are…people you barely know. Again, I'm not judging or stating that this is how it is in every church (I have certainly found that this is not true in many instances) but it does exist. There is a culture among church folk of pretending everything is okay, when it's not, just to get through a service. We need to address it and we need to talk about it.

1) Being unknown by your church body
I think this is an epidemic and an area where we need to step forward with light. We were taught by Jesus to love one another--but it is also true that true love for someone comes as a result of getting to know them deeply and still accepting them--flaws, weirdness and all. In our culture, we so often don't step forward past the image and the Facebook posts…it's almost as though we intentionally block each other out at a certain point so that we won't step on each others toes or feel weird. It comes down to not feeling comfortable being vulnerable with each other--and this has to change. For the health of our culture, our churches and our society as a whole we need to be known. It's just a basic human need that is currently not being met many places--I pray we learn, as followers of Christ, to step out and be willing to look foolish in order to love.

2) Feeling unsafe
The miracle of love also comes as a result of trusting--if trust has not been built into a congregation, it's very likely that true, deep relationships are not forming amidst church members. It's true, there are times and places where we should not express all that is going on in our hearts (wailing in the middle of the lobby will look weird) but…there has to be some place where we go deep: we get to issues, bring them out into the light and see them for what they are. If your church is devoid of opportunities for people to at least meet in homes and hopefully receive prayer as well as counseling…if that does not exist yet…it just should. And I'm not talking about putting all of this on the pastor's back--that was never the plan from the beginning and we shouldn't live pretending that the pastor is a massive turtle who can carry everyone on his back--he just can't! And if your pastor is a demigod in your eyes--look out! You, my friend, need and should pray to really encounter Jesus, you'll be blown away! Tangent over: God has created many people who exist in the church body and they all have little hidden talents tucked away inside or ready to be released--whatever it is, they are able and willing and need just a little bit of empowerment and mentorship to have all that is hidden within them exploded outward into a glorious bit of heaven on earth. Why have we not tapped/mined this potential earlier? You tell me! I am seeing churches wake up to the joy and beauty within their own congregation and whole cities are on the verge of change because of it. Join us! There's a broken, desperate world and we are the ones who bring Jesus! Let us march forward into this task with thanksgiving in our hearts as well as a lot of prayer. Look out for joy (as well as shared suffering--which Christ asked of us) as we move forward into being the safe, hopeful places Jesus always meant us to be.

3) Needing to please others to feel accepted
Forget it. Forget it all. Stop trying to make other people like you--IT'S NOT WORKING. And all that you are trying to find by mining it out of another person (love, affection, all your desperate needs and desires that you beg to be filled) can only find their true satisfaction and source in the one who made you full of them--Jesus, God, Holy Spirit. Anywhere else and it is a sad--though often beautiful--charade: you acting out your part while all the others try to keep up their end of the deal until it all falls in like a house of cards. Stop the irritating merry-go-round and ask Jesus to fill you with His love, really fill you--He won't let you down. And the people in your life will be so glad you did--you'll stop trying to manipulate them to serve your purposes, control them to become who you want them to be and judging them for choosing to do as they know they should do despite your pressures. I learned this the hard way, the backwards way…the way most of us do. But thank God! He can make even our greatest sins and failures into something beautiful if we finally learn to be honest with Him and others. Don't keep all that's eating you up inside inside anymore--often Christ's love will manifest itself powerfully through the love that other believers show. Why would you keep yourself from this opportunity--both to show love to the hurting and be willing to receive love when you are hurting. Stop pretending it's alright--let go--and find that others can accept you--RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, JUST AS YOU ARE.

4) Hypocrisy now
A few of my family members left the church because of this--for whatever reason, love was not modeled to them and all they could see when they walked through the door of a church was a lot of fake people greeting each other with fake smiles and pretending the world was okay--and it's not. The world is not okay by a long shot, so why the $%#$ would you believe in a good God? They were smart, they walked away. I understand why they made that choice on some level but on a deeper level I just grieve. I grieve the men and women that only knew fake smiles from church folk and couldn't stand to be real with their pain in front of people who seemed so perfect. So I plead, on behalf of them, those I love dearly and long for: that they would know truth; that they would see Jesus for who He is and find all their wounds and lies healed in Him, finally safe in His arms--I plead with you, be real. Be hopeful and good and holy--but be real. Feel your pain and share it in small groups, with people who know and love you, in the middle of your journey as you travel in the car and wonder over this crazy, good, perfectly broken life--show that Jesus has a face and arms and understands suffering and reached out in the middle of it. Show that hope is tangible, in a man who came back after He died, not only defeating death for Himself but for all of us. Show them the One who walked among lepers--touching them even!--and healed prostitutes and saw the world as it was--and loved it. Show them Jesus. Show them love. They're waiting--just beyond those doors...

This is Really Long--Don't Read It Unless You Want to Believe in the Change Jesus Brings! :P

"As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God. When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a harvest of sinful deeds, resulting in death. But now we have been released from the law, for we died to it and and are no longer captive to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way by obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living by the Spirit." 
(Romans 7:4b-6)

 Excuse me for a moment whilst I process my year...

Twenty-four--that was not a year I missed saying farewell too...it seemed to all go on forever with no hope in sight. I think I learned, as Abraham had to, to trust in God's promises even when there seemed no end in sight...no land to journey to, no son to see grow up, no dream blossoming...

Endurance produces...what was that again? Hope? Ha. How I learned the truth of that extraordinary statement. I think I'm realizing evermore that so much of our lives must be lived out supernaturally, supremely apart from what we realize/think we are able to do. This new life of the Spirit--a completely new way of living--is really the way we must go if we want to have anything to do with Jesus and His kingdom. Because its all--backwards and not upside down, but illogical: gaining hope from being in a place of despair; forgiving when there is no earthly reason to; believing in resurrection for ourselves, these old bodies--it's all ludicrous in the best possible sense of the word. Love especially--love, especially, is a most insane, unimaginable concept. No, not romantic love that everyone is obsessed with--but that ability to continue to hope in and long for someone who completely shuns you again and again. Reaching out to that person over and over even while they reject you...that's love.

Isn't that insane?

But that's what Jesus is, that's what He offers. To every person that could possibly ever choose to follow Him (and that's all of us) He extends His love, His forgiveness, His very life--and He asks us to do the same.

It is insane--because if you try to do this--really love someone despite how they treat you--you will end up in abusive, co-dependent, broken relationships...and no one wants that! So no one loves that way--or do they?

See the trick is--the catch, the gist of it all, the way I have learned from my own Father--this centerpiece of all that encompasses a life giving away to Christ--is that we don't do the loving.

Hear it again--it's not your job to do the loving.

Well, God is love and if we know God then we know love and if you don't have love then you don't have love, so I have to muster up the love for this other person, right?

Wrong.

We love because He first loved us.

This is love, not that we loved God but that He first loved us and sent His Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us. 

Can we just live here for a moment? Catch that last verse from 1 John--as we love one another, God dwells, abides, lives it out through us and that love (which came from Him in the first place!) gets perfected in us.

I've needed to hear this every day of my life and live here and I will die here--waiting for God to come and fill up my life so that I quit scrounging and trying to show enough love...finally believing in the fullest sense that Jesus came not to perfect me, but to love through me and the change of me becoming more and more like His Son suddenly gets wrought as I go about the ordinary task of loving Him alone by loving all those around me as He lives through me. 

I'm sure I'm off theologically at some point in the middle of this vast understanding that I am trying to pinpoint into a few words. Beloved, forgive me for it and move on.  Just realize for a moment with me the grace that this Pharisee-ical little girl has learned and be in awe of the God who would take the time to wrought that change. I am not the same--all my perfecting and needing others around me to perform has slowly died away in the flame of being broken enough to just know Him. He loved me in the middle of my mess, when I had absolutely nothing to offer--and I will spend my whole life learning how to live out a life filled with a love like that--a life leaning into my Father's arms and feeding others out of the abundance of that embrace. 

It's amazing the little places you'll go to--and the things that the Lord will teach you there. The endurance, hope, love--they don't get learned on the big stage when you're feeling really important. The hope of your life, the truth of it and who the Lord is creating you to be--they come out of small moments, lived in the presence of family and friends, completely mundane and totally treasured. Don't be ashamed or deride the big stage and shiny lights--but live your life not around those edges but in a way which proclaims that even if those things were never available to you, you know that your life is good, worth living, full of Him. 

That's what I learned this year--the hope when everything is failing comes because of the strength I find in Him, the joy in the midst of pain is present because He abides with me, I can keep climbing up this mountain, painful as it may be, because He's offering His hand to me. I don't have a lot at this point in my life, but all I have finds its origin in Him and that makes it exceedingly worth more than all the riches I could recieve. And given the choice, He knows what I'd choose.

A friend made the comment when I was talking over a bit of my year, "You're in missionary training." I laughed a little, but only because its true. I don't think even I will understand the gifts He's placed in me by teaching me how to live out through this year.

Because I wanted to run and cry and quit--so many times. I couldn't. I had no options--I had to face the reality of my life as it came and be honest about it and keep moving forward even when everything in me wanted to leave. To be honest, I screwed up a lot. Hurt people. Would have left had I had any options. But He stayed me, rescued me time and time again, practiced forgiveness through me, taught me to be an intercessor, changed me, ransomed me from the dead and restored me. Who I am now is stronger, more hopeful than who I was when I began twenty-four.

I wouldn't live those years again if you paid me (or did anything for me! ha!) but I would never trade the character, endurance, presence... 
 
"Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ." 
(1 Corinthians 1:7)

It's weird--I've never read this verse before, to my knowledge. But running across it this morning, the truth of it stuck in me--I have everything I could ever possibly need for every day ahead because of the access I have to Jesus and the truth of what He--the ever faithful one--is doing in me. I've only had a taste of the glory which is to come--and it only makes me thirst that much more.  

like this song by Brooke Fraser says:

if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
i can only conclude that I was not made for here...

"He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on that day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns." 
(I Corinthians 1:8)

There's something about the steadfast grace of God that keeps me running forward, with such hope! It makes me think of a vision I had once of me and my future husband (wherever you are!!!). We were running forward with all the strength we had, each of us with a hand in Jesus'...there was such joy in the exchange--I never even saw who it was on the other side of Jesus (I really didn't want to, yet) but I knew that our lives were about staying close to each other through our life in Jesus and He was the One propelling us forward. That no matter what came, He would link us together, enable us to keep running forward, joy and hope in our faces no matter the circumstances. Himself--so present with us...even in the middle of this terrible season, I somehow knew, deep in me past what anyone could say/convince me of, no matter how they spoke despair, no matter how stagnant it got--I just knew He was faithful--and it enabled me to keep going.

The dark night...all I had at times was a heart still burning for Him--and it was enough.

"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit." 
(Romans 8:5)

I think for some reason this verse became alive in a different way through this year--somehow or other I had always missed--or maybe hadn't had to live on close proximity with--people who were so willing to live in darkness, be dominated by what was controlling them and not see the harm it was doing. I learned compassion and forgiveness in a big way by seeing people through this--just being so aware that the reason they acted the way they did was almost not a conscious thing on their part--they didn't mean to damage you so bluntly, knife thrusts of words--they just didn't know any other way. So you had to learn not to be dead toward them, but to keep peeling back your pain and disappointment and see them anew each day. It's still a struggle for me--loving in spite of the pain they cause--but as I said earlier, Jesus' love has been shown to me so new...and I mean, just recently.  There's a newness in me, a profound declaration wrought by the pain that the Lord is completely pleased with me as I do my best, working out of His supernatural love, to extend love to the broken. It becomes such a beautiful thing--and they often have no idea how to respond--but its not about them and me anymore--its about what Jesus wants to show off through His kids--and that's His love! He wants Himself, His beautiful character of seeing beauty in the pain and calling forth hope out of brokenness to become a part of all we do. I for one am jumping on board.

"God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." 
(I Corinthians 1:9) 

 I mean, partnership with Jesus (perfect words for what it is) who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want the nearness, the darling blessedness of being one of His own and operating in His love? No more striving on my part to become all I was made to be, crying out of fear, "Use me, God!" lest He forget about me and all I did turned out to not be enough for Him. No, I have learned a new way, a reliance on His tender care and a darling hope into all of His promises--because a promise, unlike a contract, cannot be broken (read Romans 4 in the Message--it'll change your life!). I live in the risky faith embrace of trusting in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself--for me. I don't count His grace as something which is to be taken lightly--its what saved me, sustains me and will bring me into my forevermore. He's faithful for that!

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the point: you died to the power of the law when you died with Christ. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead." 
(Romans 7:4a)

A re-uniting...no, no, just a uniting--what you never had before because of sin becomes fully yours, fully possible because of what Jesus did for us. This year I proclaim His faithfulness, His power to release us from the grave, His utter ability to show up in whatever you called "dead" in your life and bring full life, better life than you could ever have proclaimed over it, to come springing up like a well-tended vine. It's all Him in you, no mustering up or being enough--but relaxing into what He is doing in the world and simply choosing to meet with Him there. Its such a more graceful way of life, its truly life--its what He has for you! Just seek...

"The message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God." 
(I Corinthians 1:18)

There was a moment, on the eve of my 25th birthday, when I lost it all. I mourned what had been, all the destruction, despair and hopelessness that had filled the year that was now behind me. I wailed, crying like I don't think I've ever cried, because this past year was just so hard to live through. Words can't describe and so that night the groans that Romans 8 talks about came out--deep anguish over what was lost, a grieving.

"And Christ lives within you so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God. The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead,  he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." 
(Romans 8:10-11)

I woke up the next morning and the love of God--which I had been crying out for, longing for, had a desprate need for--because I knew that I did not have within myself the capacity to love as He did, did not even know how to go about loving in this way that He commanded all throughout 1 John 4--suddenly it was there. I was just wrapped up in the love of God in a way that cannot make sense unless you have known that full assurance, peace--I suddenly knew beyond doubt that I had all I needed, the full depths of who He was, like in a way that's past knowing. It was just a part of who I was (am) now.

"So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the worlds brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish." 
(I Corinthians 1:20)

It was something new in me--God blessing and filling me up and reminding me that He is very present, ever present on the Earth--and that as I seek I will find, all I need is in Him, that even the worst that I can do will be covered by this love and that should I seek Him my whole life I will never come to the end of the goodness that is Him, all that he longs to pour out into me and through me. Like a good friend said last night, "We're not a pond, we're a hose." All that He is can flow out of my life and bless others as I rest and abide in Him allowing Him to reach out through me. It's good...and it won't make sense to anyone unless they are in Him! And He invites us into all that goodness, no matter where we are!

"So God did what the law could not do. He sent His own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sins control over us by giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins." 
(Romans 8:3b)

25 is a new year--beyond reaching a pivotal birthday into realizing that I can face anything from this point forward and it will be cake. I have hit and lived through the worst that a life can offer you. Jesus has shown up solid and become such a deep part of who I am that to separate would be to take the very life away from me--and you just can't do that! He rose from the dead--and so will I! It's bizarre how far this year has taken me--and I haven't traveled more than 8 hours from my home at any period during this time...

"But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength." 
(I Corinthians 1:24-25)

Mexico was like a culmination of all that year--a chance to stretch my wings and realize that the cage I had been living in for so long was starting to rattle--God was on His way, up to something, whispering on the wind. I'm stretching my wings, dreaming, anticipating, so fully hoping in the God who has taken a little bird who might have always claimed she was only a songbird and declaring over her life that she is an eagle, she has great strength, that what she carries changes atmospheres, people's life directions, hope--she just brings it, a result of a deep connection and abiding in the Father who speaks such strength and grace into all His children. She will be His beauty on display in a way most people have never seen--and don't be afraid of it! Lean in ever closer, and carry my heart, O my daughter.

"Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God." 
(Romans 8:13-14)

I will do whatever I will do, says the Lord, it matters not what you think I'm capable of or what you think I'm up to. I am the one who moves and breathes and gives life--the very life of the world. Any of you aligned with Jesus and living out this life in His life have no idea what you are in for! This life changed the world, gave wind to sweep under your wings (Holy Spirit) and went through (is still going through) the whole world. Do you think that has ended? Do you think that it could ever end?
Jump in--no telling what we'll see, only sure thing: Jesus is King and He does as He pleases.  
What hope!!!

"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." 
(I Corinthians 1:26-29)

I am so aware of how incapable I am--but monstrously absorbed in the fact that God can do as He likes through a life laid down. This is powerful, wholesome, stake-your-life-on-it truth...may it be the truth that changes your world as you walk through this life with Him, fully aware of His grace and how much hope He longs to bring into this broken world. If He can make me, in the middle of all my unknown circumstances and whatevers!!! trust--the one who used to be so fear-filled and worry haunted--if He can break me down enough to believe and fully walk in all He has for me--just think of what He can do in you! Never put the limits on Him--practice letting go! Letting go is having an insignificant faith--a faith that lays down all it has ever believed about what we think He can do and then laid down all that we think He should do in us or others and just chosen to have our vision expanded, our love (and ability) to love change and has been set free into believing that anything is possible and Jesus is at work everywhere. Do you live that way? Does your life proclaim an effortless, totally able God? Expand your vision of yourself, those around you and the Lord you serve! And if you have gone through utter brokenness--as I have this year--rejoice in it, for you know He is in the middle of it!

I was in Yosemite last Tuesday, reveling in sunshine, flowers and the delight of knowing my God. I went (for the first time in I don't know how many visits to Yosemite) into the little chapel on the valley floor and just had a moment of thankfulness and praise before the Lord. He has made my life come alight even in the middle of the crazy that was this year--I was even sitting in a pool of sunshine in that little chapel--and I know that that will continue to be the reality of my life in Him. No matter what we may be going through, we live our lives out in the sunshine of His love. That's where all this beautiful life comes through...

A little bit about MEXICO...a little bit about FEARING GOD

Holy Spirit, come and fill this place...

O my Egypt...

The statement above won't make any sense until you've finished reading this blogpost (which I hope you do). Maybe it won't even make sense then--maybe you won't understand because you haven't chosen to follow the Lord as He leads--or, more honestly, have no idea how to even go about that--or perhaps you're a stubborn hearted fellow that would chose Egypt even if it did kill him--just because its what you wanted to do and (obviously) you know best.

I heard a good sermon yesterday at Santa Cruz Bible Church on the "fear of the Lord". Quite poignant and touched right on where my thoughts have been lately: "How do we fear the Lord?" "What does it look like?" "What does it feel like?" "How does it affect your daily walk with the Lord (or anybody else)?", etc. All these silly things tumbling in my mind as I attempt to live out this Jesus life. (Oh, excuse me, as I live out this life in Him--grace--relying on His power and wisdom and all the rest to lead me on...it took me a long, brutal time to learn this...and it's just starting to make sense enough to put into modern language).

Moving on...away from the rambles: at first this preacher expounded on what a "fear of the Lord" was not--and then it got good...the fear of the Lord has always seemed like a mystical concept that no one has quite grasped and we genuinely enjoy batting around--like the balloon you float above the crowd and keep touching on every once in a while to keep it moving and floating--but it never quite touches the ground--and even if it did, it wouldn't make much of an impact. This sermon was all about making a serious dent--realizing exactly how a fear of the Lord creates/is lived out of a posture of the heart--and then expounding on exactly what it takes to cultivate this fear of the Lord. Good stuff. Stuff you can live your life out of...for example:

It takes HUMILITY
*if you are not willing/able/cognizant of the fact that you are not the center of your world--it's going to be hard to fear the Lord. Humility is essential--not claiming that you aren't worth anything, but realizing that there is One who is worth everything. One who you should bow down to, the "other" who is so different and yet loving toward you that the only truly "proper" form of response is worship. And really, humility has been a hard one for me. I try very hard to make my own way and love other people out of how good I am and set a good example--He never asked for that. He's had to break me of that for...lets just say a long time! and keep exposing me to grace, to how good He is in my life, not because I'm worth it or attained it, but because He DELIGHTS in ME! Good gracious me, how crazy is that?
Example: this Mexico trip I just went on had grace written all over it--I was supposed to send out support letter several months in advance of the trip--my letter got out 14 days before we were supposed to leave. It was, quite literally, ridiculous and I would not have been surpirsed if the money didn't get raised and I couldn't go. That was what I deserved for being such a nincompoop! Instead, I was shown favor--people handing me $100 (twice!) and dear friends sacrificing so I coud go--the money was raised in ten days! That's insane! You can't make this stuff up! Then, in Mexico, grace upon grace came again in the form of me just walking with the Lord--praying for a few of our kids, praying for Mexican nationals (in church and out!) and seeing God move and heal and set the kids I work with alight! It was beautiful, I wish you could have been there to see them come alive. One girl made the comment, "I really became a Christian on this trip. I believed in God and stuff before, but this trip made me realize that its all true." Grace...when it is shined out upon us, we can't help but create humility in our hearts and learn to live it out--the fear of the Lord...until we come to the end of us, we won't come to the beginning of God.

It takes EAGERNESS TO OBEY GOD 
If you're too full of fear and doubt to cultivate a fear of the Lord, you're going to be moving nowhere fast. For example, I have struggled with a fear of man for--well, you tell me. I can't remember a time not living it out, not caring about what others thought of me and being afraid to speak out or doing anything insane for God (like talking to strangers!)...and yet there was this haunting, aching desire to obey God and do all that He asked even when I wasn't sure i was hearing from Him. It was nerve wracking at times, second guessing myself (does God really want me to do...?) and then feeling so guilty after I "failed" (I can't believe I disappointed Him again by not talking to...)
I'm learning "grace free" living--not that grace is free but living out my life through grace is...let me explain: I always tried so hard to work up a good amount of grace so that I could reach out and help other people--trying to fill up my "clay jar" of a body with enough good stuff to give away--and at times (sadly) it worked. People thought I was good and applauded my efforts. Then I ran across the Holy Spirit (have you met that dude? You should.) and He was wacky! Out of this world power as He prayed through you, healed through you, spoke into dreams and gave visions through you--there are no words to properly describe what a reliance on and hope in the Holy Spirit does for you--only that it completely changes the way you do ministry. Instead of being exhausted all the time as you try to work up a sermon or Bible teaching, you actually ask Him for words and inspiration as you prepare and teach and He moves. As you lead worship, He gives you strength and energy and allows you to praise in a way that just wasn't possible for you before. As you pray, He points out exactly what that person needs and helps you to pray into that blessing and hope and encouragement for them. It's a whole new way of living.
Example: in Mexico, our kids learned about treasure hunting and prophetic words--controversial topics in some circles (and I have been in some of those circles), but our kids came alive with this. Learning to pray and ask God to speak was a revelation for them--and they heard from Him! One junior higher heard the word "love" just as she saw two doves flying together--so she and her team prayed that God would send them to the person who this message was for. The next house they went in to belonged to a two-time widowed woman who wanted to get married again. Her request was literally for a new love: marriage! So they prayed! Another team got the word "open doors" and saw a recessed door in a home--they went to one house where the little girl ran inside to get her mom and then didn't get back for a while--and it was the same type of door. So we prayed for an "open door" and it did open and we were able to bless the little girl and her mother.
It becomes a rollicking good time when you move with the Holy Spirit as He leads--it grows your eagerness to obey God and creates a sincere fear of the Lord--He's so good and able and He wants to reach out through us. We learn a deeper reliance on Him as we learn to be obedient to what He asks of us...

It takes (and this might be the biggest, most profound and beautiful piece for me) HOPEFUL TRUST
This is where I dwell now--not always (sometimes I'm just a mess!) but the peace of His care keeps overwhelming me. I have had dark times lately--some still sorting themselves out, or rather, He is--but the sunshine of His trust and the new days which keep coming keep me hopeful. There is an expectancy, often with no corrsepondence to the facts of my life!, that my God WILL come through and WILL show Himse;f strong in my every situation and I love this new trust and hope. He has shown Himself worthy and willing to move in my life at all times--whether I am shining out for Him or as broken as they come--and the future only holds more of His faithfulness and I continue to learn to live out faithfulness from Him. Even today I was tossing around in my head the importance of consistency and faithfulness--that if the Lord did this for me, day in and day out being aware of me and my needs and ordering hope and good timing and blessings enough (and abundantly more) to tide me over for each day, I can learn this too. The ones who finish well are not the ones who train really hard or look the best in the race or have the proper friends--rather, they showed up, day after day after day...there is something more valuable in being available and focused every day on Him than in shining out brightly. I see it in my morning workouts--I am not exceptionally good at working out, but because I wake up at 5am and put in a P90X tape and go through the motions (however pitiful it might look!) I see a change. A good thing has been wrought, simply through faithfulness (praying for more of this faithfulness as I write this book and learn languages!)
So we wake up every day with hopeful trust that our God who exceeds expectations is going to show up again and be wonderful in our lives--and He does. Our kids were available to God every day in Mexico and asked Him to show up and be wonderful--their prayers and willingness to ave faith rejuvenated me on so many levels. Taught me that this (whatever you may be living out in your life) is possible because of who Christ is--we just keep asking and not giving up! We fear the Lord, we know He'll come through...I am developing a tendency to live out contentedness and rest in the God who I know is taking care (good care, as any good Father would) of me.

This is just a little bit, a taste of the glory that was God showing up in Mexico and all around this trip. I could tell you stories and bring you hope for days--so many things that God spoke into and poured out on me during this time...snag me aside if you can (if you love me, you have my phone number!! haha, or just ask for it on facebook). I definitely lived out a fear of the Lord while in Mexico, without even really realizing what it was (isn't it funny, all the things you learn backwards? story of my life!) and this trip left me humbled, bowing with amazement before the God who does all things on our behalf, loves us deeper than words or feelings can tell and longs to bring us closer to Himself. I hope you learn to develop a fear of the Lord: bowing in humble honesty before Him as He moves in your life and going where He wills.

Don't choose Egypt (Jeremiah 42) that place that you think will bring you safety and all you need but is actually most assuredly your doom. God has saved me countless times from ending up in my Egypt--the disaster of my own making--because He knew the safer, better place for me. I used to believe that you have to figure things out as you go and the more challenge there is, the more God will meet you. Nope. God doesn't throw you into lion dens for fun to get you to trust Him--He develops that in you (through times of prayer, eh?) long before you ever get near the pit. I encourage you to be sensitive to the Lord's voice and His leading in your life--it might take you a long while to get where you're going. But He wants to be with you every step of the way, never unprepared or overwhelmed or afraid--He's just going to be too close for that. But you have to let Him, you have to cultivate that safety, that learning from and listening to the Lord--the fear of Him. Live move and breathe Him in child. We're going to see the world change--He's on our side.

New Vision

I just love this book, The Meaning of Marriage. I don't do this (too) often...but today all I want to do is absorb this bit of wisdom from Timothy Keller and his wife:

     "My wife, Kathy, often says that most people, when they are looking for a spouse, are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. Not so you can create the kind of person you want, but rather because you see what kind of person Jesus is making. When Michelangelo was asked how he carved his magnificent David, his reply is reputed to have been, 'I looked inside the marble and just took away the bits that weren't David.' When looking for a marriage partner, each must be able to look inside the other and see what God is doing and be excited about being part of the process of liberating the 'new you.'

'If we let Him...He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less.' (quoted from C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, 174-5

     "This is by no means a romanticized approach--rather it is brutally realistic. In this view of marriage, each person says to the other, 'I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, dependencies. But underneath them all I see growing the person God wants you to be.' This is radically different from the search for 'compatibility'. As we have seen, researchers have discovered that this term means we are looking for a partner who accepts us just as we are. This is the very opposite of that! The search for an ideal mate is a hopeless quest. This is also a radically different approach from the cynical or cold method of finding a spouse who can just deliver social status, financial security or great sex.
     "If you don't see your mate's deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you're not even in the game. But if you don't get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren't tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be.
     "When two Christians who fully understand this stand before the minister all decked out in thier wedding finery, they realize that they're not just playing dress-up. What they're saying is that someday they are going to be standing not before the minister but before the Lord. And they will turn to see each other without spot or blemish. And they hope to hear God say, 'Well done, good and faithful servants. Over the years you have lifted one another up to me. You sacrificed for one another. You held one another up with prayer and thanksgiving. You confronted each other. You rebuked each other. You hugged and you loved each other and continually pushed each other toward me. And now look at you. You're radiant." (133-4)

I have a new vision for all that this could be...glad to live with the God who is constantly changing my mind and my perception of the world.

Friday Nights--How Has God Been Redeeming Your Life Lately?

This life is about rejuvenation, redemption, rewriting the story that was originally played out for me--and I see it all the time...

The script before Jesus was: "Sad, self preserving little girl walks this world lonely and in need of love. Fear traps her in a dungeon of her own making and she remains unknown. Loneliness will mark her life, as well as boredom and inconsistency. Relationships will fail because she will have no idea how to connect with other people..." I could go on...but you would cry.

Haha, that was the plan--but then, BAM!!!!! JESUS!!!!

Your life can never be the same with Him.

True, your life is not totally super awesome all the time--we still have to deal with all our old lingering stuff--but the new script is: "Dearly Beloved Child of God learns to be one of His Own and bring in His kingdom. Joy is her portion, delight in Him fills her days and He is making all things new in her life. She is learning to lean into His strength and will one day teach a million children the glory of being known and loved by a Father. Those hidden in darkness will come to the light, because of the work that He does through this laid down life. The one who was most unknown has learned she is Beloved, His heart's treasure and He would do anything for her."

And I know--it sounds as if it's too good to be true--because IT IS!!!! But God doesn't care (He's no respecter of person's) and He'll bless anybody He wants to bless and love anyone He wants to love (that's YOU--He created you, sent His Son to take the punishment you would have suffered--He cares for YOU far beyond my ability to tell). The crazy thing is that despite the mess you see in this world, when you partner with Jesus, your life goes WAY beyond all that in an explosion of goodness, because (if you allow and ask Him), in this one laid down life, His kingdom can come and that roaring like a lion...well, suffice it to say that I know I haven't seen anything yet! God is going to break through in my life like never before--because I ask, He's good and wants to bring glory to Himself so others can know and be drawn to Him and April--this month, right here--is the month of FREEDOM!!!

I find this rejuvenation even in the littlest things: take my Friday nights.

There was a time in my life when Friday nights were the worst parts of my week. I would sit at home, alone and just wish I had something to do. Some people had boyfriends, others had best friends and I was mainly just lonely. I literally would have done almost anything to have something to do on a Friday night--each Friday just felt like one more slap in the face accompanied by the lie, "You're such a loser. No one wants to hang out with you." It was really a hard thing to face--that long, blank, empty night.

These days--I have too much to do on a Friday night! I haven't had a free Friday in a couple months--practically since I moved home. The one night I used to dread--the one that marked out for me very firmly that my life was going nowhere, especially relationship-wise--has now become my favorite night of the week. I don't even have time to wonder what I'm going to do--usually it's planned out a few weeks in advance. I'm just grateful--even in the silliest, smallest detail, my God knows exactly where and why my heart can hurt (being lonely on Friday nights) and can redeem it completely (my life is full--even in this strange season of transition).

This is my encouragement--wherever you are, whatever you're going through (and it can be tough, my life was been no picnic lately) take a moment and think back to a spot/moment/family gathering that used to be hard and realize how God has redeemed it. Think back on what it used to be like, what's it's like now and how the change occurred. (Journal it all out--that's the best way for me to see just how faithful He was, even in the things that don't really matter--but He knows they matter to me and so He's good to me, even there.) Then take some moments to really thank Him for how He is working in your life. It's important and will remind you of His goodness. If it's hard to see anything good, call up a friend and ask, "Where do you see God working in my life? Where has good change come?" Often our friends can see things we'd never expect or notice on our own. If it is really hard to see God working, invite Him in, even into the smallest things (just CRY OUT!!) and see if He won't move. He loves to be faithful to us, loves to see us move forward even in the smallest things (Friday nights :) ) and He's always at work--even, and especially when, we can't see it.

"Have you ever traveled to a mountainous part of the world when it was cloudy and rainy? You look out your windows and you can see almost nothing but the ground. Then the rain stops and the clouds part and you catch your breath because there, towering right over you, is this magnificent peak. But a couple of hours later the clouds roll in and it has vanished, and you don't see it again for a good while. That is what it is like to get to know a Christian. You have an old self and a new self (Ephesians 4:24). The old self is crippled with anxieties, the need to prove yourself, bad habits you can't break, and many besetting sins and character flaws. The new self is still you, but you liberated from all your sins and flaws. This new self is always a work in progress, and sometimes the clouds of the old self make it almost completely invisible. But sometimes the clouds really part, and you see the wisdom, courage, and love of which you are capable. It is a glimpse of where you are going."
from Timothy Keller's book. "The Meaning of Marriage" (131-132)

Are Your Bones Old and Tired?

blogging day--I just feel it in my bones :) haha, what a fun old expression.

old, tired bones--that's how i feel lately…like someone decided to turn my life on high speed and i hadn't been warned. all good things, all good things--but it can become too much, ever so quickly--and eventually, if you don't take time and prioritize (which, if you're in the whirlwind, is hard to do!) you can end up being so used to functioning in an exhausted state that you learn to be content with offering your half-best--scary place to be.

a life lived well, for the moment, i am content in this. there are many things i dream of (Haiti comes to mind and whatever family of my own i am blessed with someday) but the thing which will always bug me and make me push forward is wanting to live a life well lived. its so easy (happens all the time to me) to lose your day in a million ways or only be half-there for the people who need you. its so easy that some people call it "living". to truly live--fully present in every moment, aware of other people and their needs, waiting with your ears open to God in case He has anything to say--can be exhausting!

or maybe i've hit upon something--all of the above, i attempt to do, as faithfully as i am able. however--i do forget, though i have been doing this God thing for years!--to remember to ask the Lord into my day--truly listening for His voice.

this is the lesson! that i will never stop learning, for the life of God lived out through you is a thing to be growing into from all eternity onward--never ending process for He is a limitless God. what a concept. what joy!

the husband of one of my friends said once, after meeting me and having known me for about an hour, "God sees unlimited potential in you. that's why He puts so much on your shoulders, He knows you can bear the weight. you're limitless with Him." This was said after a particularly trying period of my life, where day after day I had felt like i was juggling an enormous burden and no one but He knew what i was going through. hearing those words of truth from that man brought a freedom to my soul i had never allowed myself before--i was capable, more than capable, limitless, to do all that God had before me. therefore my future wasn't so bleak and yes, i had lived through that crazy storm that most people would have abandoned and yes, i could do all the crazy dreams that God had so lovingly piled into my hands for Haiti--limitless God, limitless Robin--its a new equation.

but i try so hard to do it on my own that i fear i will never move past my inadequacies. and yet, even as i write that, i recognize that something else is true. i have learned to never fear again--when a task, an opportunity, is set in front of me that ia know is a God filled hope bubble of "YES PLEASE THAT IS MINE!!" (you know, the things that set your heart on fire) i dive into it without thinking and overanalyzing anymore--its all become a "YES!" and "AMEN!" on my part. And this week, i was doing things that would have scared me a couple months ago--but i had forgotten to worry about the robin part of me and was striving with the God part of me. And yes, they knocked me out (literally exhausted afterwards) but right there in the middle, me and God working together--it was beautiful. it was glorious. it was Him on display in my life and i was glad to be His kid.

so yes, my future is a little vague--and yes, my dreams need some dusting--it feels like its been so long! but i'm in the company of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob…Joseph and all those other dreamers who really didn't have a chance--just a good Father who loved them dearly. If He is my portion, i can conquer any mountain readily--is that not faith? and in the meantime, i will learn the sabbath rest (crucial, especially in our busy American lives) and do my best to plant blessings in the garden of small beginnings--He will increase my lot. future secure in Him, present spent with Him, past covered by Him--

with a thankful heart!

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones.  He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry.  He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!  This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.  I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone.  I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’”  So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’  Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel.  Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them.  I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’” 

Ezekiel 37:1-14

Arguing Again…Really???

i don't understand half the arguments i hear these days.

really, that's cover up--not like a bicycle or a car…and now, leggings? and you can't just stay at home? WWWHHHHAAAAAATTTTT???

i just…

think rebellion is really stupid (not the youth group, just the choice)

it just gets so stupid--and then the banter during the fight is so pointless

its just two, really powerless people choosing to lash out at one another for control--and the point is…?

how do you help these people? uh…

my literal God given role in all of this is to stand back and pray--but, i need some help

encouragement, prayers lifted my way, strength, wisdom as we fight--all are appreciated

i don't understand why i have to be a part of this at this time in my life--but its my reality and i want to live it well--and lean into Jesus through it--and see some redemption. i just can't see it right now.

please pray

Life is Not What You Expect--and Trust Takes Time

Hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh, oh
Only sound, only sound, that you hear is "no"
You never saw it coming
Slipped when you started running
And now you've come undone, and I, I, I, I

Seen you fall, seen you crawl, on your knees, eh, eh
Seen you lost in a crowd, seen your colors fade
Wish I could make it better
Someday you won't remember,
This pain you thought would last forever and ever

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

Just a shot, just a shot, in the dark, oh, oh
All you got, all you got, are your shattered hopes
They never saw it coming
You hit the ground running
And now you're on to something
I, I, I say

What a sight, what a sight, when the light came on
Proved me right, proved me right, when you proved them wrong
And in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction (fiction)

[Bridge]
I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud

I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud

And when they call your name
And they put your picture in a frame
You know that I'll be there time and again
'Cause I loved you when

When you hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh oh
Only sound, only sound that you heard was "no"
Now in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever (forever)

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction, fiction

Sweeter than fiction,
It's sweeter, yeah,
It's sweeter, it's sweeter,
Sweeter than fiction



Read more: Taylor Swift - Sweeter Than Fiction Lyrics | MetroLyrics

haha, I meant to post this video

but the last thing I copied happened to be the lyrics to that awesome Taylor Swift song (yes, I am one of her fans!) and I'll let it be. Take the hope from it--your journey is not over and when you do get to the beautiful place where God has destined to set you--we will all cheer! Hang in for the moment, if you're in the waiting--you're in good company :) Excellent company, worthy company, doesn't get better than what you find here! (Egotistical much? haha, I love writing ridiculous things!)

I like the afore mentioned video because--interestingly enough--it speaks to the audacity of relationships (all, but I'm thinking particularly of marriage) and how the trust we need to build these relationships takes time. Simple message, right, nothing super profound--but yet so many of us miss this! I'm just thinking out loud of the girls who will walk away into the dark with a boy who they just meet and are willing to do what's asked of them because he's cute. (Not that this happened anytime recently anywhere I have been...) I mean, self-respect, worthiness, loyalty, protecting your heart--do these exist?

Relationships take time, balance, precision (seriously, watch the video, it's so awesome) all of which are displayed in this Cirque de Soleil clip. By time, I mean--time! You do not fall in love with someone without putting the time in, being set in their presence more than once. And you can't keep falling in love with them and giving of yourself to them day after day and night after night if the time is too short--spend that precious commodity wisely.

Balance--aah! It just takes two to tango (this is where I can get it wrong--the tango scares me!!! haha) but seriously, it takes work and delight and speaking words of hope and affirmation into the relationship on both sides. You have to speak life into what is forming between you two--or it will die. (I've seen it! Grisly affair...) You can't be the only one moving forward--and you can't drag each other around. Balance--this is key. Balance in your ability to communicate, your intelligence levels (hopefully! haha, I'm just cracking myself up today), your needs, your dreams for the future--if these are slightly off, you must work at meeting each other--right?

Precision--intentionality...this is the choice to meet the other person where they are at, when you are in that moment with them, you are with them and them alone. Another person is not on your mind, you're not checking out your facebook wall--you are there. Because their life hangs in the balance, because you are the closest one to their heart, because its just to easy to get hurt if...if one of us forgets to care and lets go.

Because this is a do-or-die thing, jumping into relationships. God asks us to give of ourselves fully, to die to ourselves, in order to follow Him completely, with our whole heart. Something in me--that self preservation--has to die every day as I choose to be with God and do as He asks me to do. And I'm not good at that, I can promise you. But I'm a little closer today. My trust has grown past what it was a year ago, for certain. I am growing into this dance between Father, Son and Holy Spirit--finding my place. 

Marriage--isn't marriage a death? (Don't ask me why I can't write about anything but love and marriage lately--it is not intentionally, I just write what's in me, take it or leave it!) But seriously, when you begin a marriage, that day you are making a proclamation to die to yourself and all your worldly wants and where you thought you had to go in life--and instead care about him/her more than you will ever care about yourself. It's a death. It's letting go of having to have your own way and being in charge of your own body and all the coinciding that a life now lived together details--it's a death.

But isn't it also a life to something grander, something with more purpose? Sure, you had to give up your three hour video game sessions or your long nights in front of the TV watching the Bachelor--but weren't those things on the way to destroying you anyway? Yeah, you can't sleep with everything that moves--but that was just weird anyway! You should have never been that person! (heehee) It's almost like--now its being demanded of you that you are someone better than you planned to be and come hail or high water, s/he will drag that good person out of you.

Okay, it's really demanding. And no one is perfect, so you won't get it right. That's just the reality of the beast--but hey! If you choose to rise to this beloved persons expectations of what they think you could be then (with God's help) maybe you are that brave or smart or cunning or able to rescue the cat out of that tree. Just think of all you could do with all that love behind you. It's a little (or a lottle!) overwhelming.

But isn't that how God stands behind us? His love and all His plans are much grander than we could have ever picked out. "Hey, you there, yeah, you kid? (whispers His dream in your ear as your eyes go wide) Yup, that's about the sum of it! Go on, get out there!" And then you skip away, looking back at Him wonderingly, "He thinks I can...?"

It's a powerful force, love. It's a powerful love, knowing God has dreams for you that only you can accomplish. And you just have no idea how to go about them, but He'll be the one behind you, giving you strength, endurance, passion--isn't that such a bit of beauty, a new spark?--hope.

Hope. There is a big God and He has big dreams. He sent His Son to die, not so we would stand around wailing and lamenting it forever ("oh, how shameful am I! I can't believe He had to die for me!"--and I'm making fun of no one but myself as I write this. It's how I used to live) Rather, (and this is the creepy, scary, spooky part that a lot of people miss when they look at Christianity) we were made to be filled with His new life, the life even that brought Him back from the dead! It's like--we've been pretending that there was nothing left to do after you said you'd follow Jesus--so you just sit there, saying, "I follow Jesus!" And then all of a sudden, a lightning bolt strikes and God says, "Get moving! There's a world out there needs some saving--we've got to see them healed and renewed in body and soul and you 'uns are the ones to do it! Now scram!" And then He fills us up with His power and out we run.

Yup, that's about the size of it. (sidenote: Can you tell I just watched the play Oklahoma--my, my, I sure do pick up on the idiosyncrasies of language right quick and then they get stuck in my writing and speech. You should hear me after I've watched the comedian Will Reagan! and when I write after reading Lord of the Rings--oh Middle Earth! haha) Learning to move out of His love, not just have a knowledge of it.

So, trust...watch that video and tell me that you will put yourself in a jeopardizing situation, out in the dark with a boy you don't know. Tell me you're going to trust your life to anyone but Jesus. There are some things that there are no two ways about--trust takes time and putting your life into someone else's hands is a big deal. It is worth it--who wouldn't want all that love behind them?--but the choice must be made careful. These are the forever things, dontcha know?