Have you ever had a day that you just hated? That was my day today...
I felt like I was drowning all day--every moment was like trying to push a rock uphill while swimming underwater...I just couldn't do it anymore at the end...
I'm gonna have these days, probably over and over again, in Haiti. God grant me grace, freedom and peace. Find me when I don't want to be found. Be lovely when I feel least lovely of all.
I am sorry. Sorry for being a messy roommate, sorry for not being...all that I'm not. And I don't even know how today could have been better. I feel like I did give it my all and then some...it was just too much for me.
Jesus be peace when I have none. Let me have relief...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
In His Arms
Watch this video...if you dare!
I can't stop listening to this song...
For one thing, it's so beautiful. There's such intensity in this song, in their eyes, the whole performance is marked by passion...a passion of a different kind.
But that's not why I can't stop watching it...
There's this deep sorrow in relationship. Sometimes...all I have wanted to do is never have to believe in love...being without hope feels better. You can't get hurt when you don't hope.
But my mom reminded me that I couldn't stop hoping. I almost didn't want to listen that day six months ago...and today I was talking it over with God--asking if I could just give up the hoping--and He told me no. And He told me other things that I won't write down here because its between me and Him. We'll see what happens three years from now...
I have to hope...and I live longing...and there is somebody that I used to know--and loved, as well as I was able--I have to hope...
"Maybe it's for the best", my head says and I know deep in me that all this has been for the best. All the heartache and pain, the longing, the breaking open inside me that I never knew I was capable of, the dying to self that I am learning to live daily...God has good plans for me, perfect plans, but I must wait on His counsel and stand in His will.
God made marriage for more than two people having sex...and we forget that somehow. We, as Christians, put our needs being met before a whole lot of things--but God never meant it that way. I want my marriage--MY LIFE!--to be a testament to God and His goodness. That requires dying to self and longings every day. God told me something today that means a big change in my life--a big change for three years. I want to live so fully given to Him these next three years. I know He has great gifts for me--but this world is so full of heartache and pain, why did I think I would be exempt? I tried my hardest to stay away from everything that would hurt me (I'm a complete baby when it comes to pain) but it found me anyway. It came and tore apart the most vulnerable part of me--my woman's heart. And the strange, sad thing is that he will never know...and that also is best.
But back to the song...we all know that cutting, biting, cruel pain of a heart ripped from its protection and thrown to the mercy of...you fill in that blank. Do we hope again? Do we try again? Do we search for love, even if we know it could just tear us open and cause more damage?
We do. We want love. We long for love. Sometimes we'll do anything to get that love that we desire. It's a cruel world. But I have learned that the love I am searching for could not possibly be found in any man. Sure, they can give some measure of love. They can comfort and create joy and make you feel new. But the love I long for--the deepest part of me cries out for--cannot be ascertained within this world. It is of a different...sort, I guess you could say. It is the love which reaches well beyond what we can fathom and reaches farther still--bottomless, endless, unfathomable and so good.
My Love lifts me beyond my circumstances. He reminds me that He has a plan and what He can see is so beyond me--I must trust Him. My Love searches me out when I would rather be anywhere than in His embrace--He washes me clean and makes my shame fall away in His presence. My Love looks into my eyes--and I'm astonished all over again, because He sees in me His pure white Bride and He delights in me. There is nothing He would like to do more than just to be with me, showing me His love. My Love makes me new, my Love heals my heart and my Love is there for me through every broken part of my past. When I gasp in pain, because the one I used to love turns up around a corner unexpected and just seeing him makes my heart wrench inside my chest, even then, He is there. Pouring His warm healing oil over my heart and making even this a time when we can be drawn closer together.
I am thankful for His grace. I am thankful for His kindness. I am thankful that He caught me when I was a stranger wandering and saved me. I am thankful for the promises and wonderful moments He has ahead and I am thankful that He will be steadfast and see me through even the hardest moments that may lie ahead for me. I don't know where I'm going and I have no plan--only Jesus.
And isn't that how He always wanted it to be.
In His arms.
I can't stop listening to this song...
For one thing, it's so beautiful. There's such intensity in this song, in their eyes, the whole performance is marked by passion...a passion of a different kind.
But that's not why I can't stop watching it...
There's this deep sorrow in relationship. Sometimes...all I have wanted to do is never have to believe in love...being without hope feels better. You can't get hurt when you don't hope.
But my mom reminded me that I couldn't stop hoping. I almost didn't want to listen that day six months ago...and today I was talking it over with God--asking if I could just give up the hoping--and He told me no. And He told me other things that I won't write down here because its between me and Him. We'll see what happens three years from now...
I have to hope...and I live longing...and there is somebody that I used to know--and loved, as well as I was able--I have to hope...
"Maybe it's for the best", my head says and I know deep in me that all this has been for the best. All the heartache and pain, the longing, the breaking open inside me that I never knew I was capable of, the dying to self that I am learning to live daily...God has good plans for me, perfect plans, but I must wait on His counsel and stand in His will.
God made marriage for more than two people having sex...and we forget that somehow. We, as Christians, put our needs being met before a whole lot of things--but God never meant it that way. I want my marriage--MY LIFE!--to be a testament to God and His goodness. That requires dying to self and longings every day. God told me something today that means a big change in my life--a big change for three years. I want to live so fully given to Him these next three years. I know He has great gifts for me--but this world is so full of heartache and pain, why did I think I would be exempt? I tried my hardest to stay away from everything that would hurt me (I'm a complete baby when it comes to pain) but it found me anyway. It came and tore apart the most vulnerable part of me--my woman's heart. And the strange, sad thing is that he will never know...and that also is best.
But back to the song...we all know that cutting, biting, cruel pain of a heart ripped from its protection and thrown to the mercy of...you fill in that blank. Do we hope again? Do we try again? Do we search for love, even if we know it could just tear us open and cause more damage?
We do. We want love. We long for love. Sometimes we'll do anything to get that love that we desire. It's a cruel world. But I have learned that the love I am searching for could not possibly be found in any man. Sure, they can give some measure of love. They can comfort and create joy and make you feel new. But the love I long for--the deepest part of me cries out for--cannot be ascertained within this world. It is of a different...sort, I guess you could say. It is the love which reaches well beyond what we can fathom and reaches farther still--bottomless, endless, unfathomable and so good.
My Love lifts me beyond my circumstances. He reminds me that He has a plan and what He can see is so beyond me--I must trust Him. My Love searches me out when I would rather be anywhere than in His embrace--He washes me clean and makes my shame fall away in His presence. My Love looks into my eyes--and I'm astonished all over again, because He sees in me His pure white Bride and He delights in me. There is nothing He would like to do more than just to be with me, showing me His love. My Love makes me new, my Love heals my heart and my Love is there for me through every broken part of my past. When I gasp in pain, because the one I used to love turns up around a corner unexpected and just seeing him makes my heart wrench inside my chest, even then, He is there. Pouring His warm healing oil over my heart and making even this a time when we can be drawn closer together.
I am thankful for His grace. I am thankful for His kindness. I am thankful that He caught me when I was a stranger wandering and saved me. I am thankful for the promises and wonderful moments He has ahead and I am thankful that He will be steadfast and see me through even the hardest moments that may lie ahead for me. I don't know where I'm going and I have no plan--only Jesus.
And isn't that how He always wanted it to be.
In His arms.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Be the Real Thing Because No One Else Can Show the World Jesus the Way You Do
Do you know why I hate warped Christianity? Because the real thing is so good and so healing and the fake...it just misses it all, all of the grace, freedom, joy, vulnerability, love, holiness that was meant to be a part of all that we are...hmmmm...
Glee has a new "character"--a Teen Jesus who has named each of his dreads after a book of the Bible, was home schooled forever (and only went to school after he realized his best friend was his mom) and has a dad who is a door to door Bible salesman. Yeah, he's ridiculous.
I hadn't watched Glee in a while but I did watch the Glee Project which was on during the summer and I knew who they were trying to copy in this "Teen Jesus" character. He was a guy named Cameron, a good guy, the kind of guy you'd want in the jungle with you because you knew he'd protect you and honor you and help you laugh through the hard times and the uncertainty. Part of the reason (and eventually it was the only reason) that I watched the Glee Project was Cameron. He was a genuine Christian living his life out before and with the kids on this show. He brought an element to the show that was so grace filled and genuine--when they had to do the "vulnerable" show, he found it hard to find something to be vulnerable about because all his cards were already out on the table.
Eventually Cameron chose to leave the show--he had a girlfriend at home and it was tearing him up to be asked again and again to make out with girls who were not his girl (I know right, so dreamy!!! haha) He chose to leave and was very honest with why and that made the director want him even more--but he really was done and everyone repsected him for it. I stopped watching the show after that. All I had really cared about was Cameron and if he was done, so was I.
Fast forward to last night when I was just messing around and trying to entertain myself. I turned on Glee, the Hearts episode done for Valentine's Day. It was lame...and then we skipped to the "God Squad" meeting where they introduced a new member. It was one of the guys who had been a contendor on the Glee Project and won! (I guess) He was the Teen Jesus that the director had been excited to put on the show...he had told Cameron (not the guy who won the Glee Project, but the one who chose to leave) that he had never had a Christian character and wanted to create one...well, he did...but he's using the wrong kid and it's so flat and wrong and lame! I just had to turn it off, because I knew what they were trying to copy (Cameron--and my life!) and they were so far...
Because genuineness can't be faked...and love is the real deal...and you can have all the trappings of being a Christian (according to the world: which is apparently naming dreads after Bible books and being homeschooled) and be so far...
I guess this blog is about hope and joy and being so proud of who I am. Jesus isn't about what fits in your life or doesn't but something much more special, a change from the inside out. I am so blessed to be in His arms and know His love and have the chance and beauty and strength within me to share Him with the world. I am so thankful for the inside out way that God works and the hope He brings and the way He fills your life with power. We have been given everything we need to live godly lives that please our Daddy. I for one am so grateful...
And over nad over again we will run into the counterfiet as we see the world try to copy what we have. But you can't fake being a Christian--and the life and source of a Christian is something which only heaven knows. We are a special people...
I pray that you would let your light shine before men, that you would honor your heavenly Father. Let's be like Cameron...let's be like Jesus.
Here's a clip of Cameron. He's awesome: Cameron talking to Alex
Glee has a new "character"--a Teen Jesus who has named each of his dreads after a book of the Bible, was home schooled forever (and only went to school after he realized his best friend was his mom) and has a dad who is a door to door Bible salesman. Yeah, he's ridiculous.
I hadn't watched Glee in a while but I did watch the Glee Project which was on during the summer and I knew who they were trying to copy in this "Teen Jesus" character. He was a guy named Cameron, a good guy, the kind of guy you'd want in the jungle with you because you knew he'd protect you and honor you and help you laugh through the hard times and the uncertainty. Part of the reason (and eventually it was the only reason) that I watched the Glee Project was Cameron. He was a genuine Christian living his life out before and with the kids on this show. He brought an element to the show that was so grace filled and genuine--when they had to do the "vulnerable" show, he found it hard to find something to be vulnerable about because all his cards were already out on the table.
Eventually Cameron chose to leave the show--he had a girlfriend at home and it was tearing him up to be asked again and again to make out with girls who were not his girl (I know right, so dreamy!!! haha) He chose to leave and was very honest with why and that made the director want him even more--but he really was done and everyone repsected him for it. I stopped watching the show after that. All I had really cared about was Cameron and if he was done, so was I.
Fast forward to last night when I was just messing around and trying to entertain myself. I turned on Glee, the Hearts episode done for Valentine's Day. It was lame...and then we skipped to the "God Squad" meeting where they introduced a new member. It was one of the guys who had been a contendor on the Glee Project and won! (I guess) He was the Teen Jesus that the director had been excited to put on the show...he had told Cameron (not the guy who won the Glee Project, but the one who chose to leave) that he had never had a Christian character and wanted to create one...well, he did...but he's using the wrong kid and it's so flat and wrong and lame! I just had to turn it off, because I knew what they were trying to copy (Cameron--and my life!) and they were so far...
Because genuineness can't be faked...and love is the real deal...and you can have all the trappings of being a Christian (according to the world: which is apparently naming dreads after Bible books and being homeschooled) and be so far...
I guess this blog is about hope and joy and being so proud of who I am. Jesus isn't about what fits in your life or doesn't but something much more special, a change from the inside out. I am so blessed to be in His arms and know His love and have the chance and beauty and strength within me to share Him with the world. I am so thankful for the inside out way that God works and the hope He brings and the way He fills your life with power. We have been given everything we need to live godly lives that please our Daddy. I for one am so grateful...
And over nad over again we will run into the counterfiet as we see the world try to copy what we have. But you can't fake being a Christian--and the life and source of a Christian is something which only heaven knows. We are a special people...
I pray that you would let your light shine before men, that you would honor your heavenly Father. Let's be like Cameron...let's be like Jesus.
Here's a clip of Cameron. He's awesome: Cameron talking to Alex
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