S.A.D. day--or is it?? haha, read on!!!

 

I’m always taken care of on Valentine’s Day…

I had my own plans this year—a friend and I were going to hang out, do silly things like a photo scavenger hunt at the mall and watching sappy movies and eating heart shaped pizzas—but those fell through unexpectedly. I was invited in to the other plans but I knew it wasn’t the right thing for me at that time (you just know) so I let the moment pass. I was sad—really disappointed—for about an hour but then I…let it go.

Last year on Valentine's Day I was a sub in a first grade class—little children who barely knew me handed me their home grown cards. I was surrounded by little people (foreshadowing perhaps? I think so--this year I've got a whole class full of them!) and I was happy.

My students blessed me today. Of course, they brought in their little valentines (some with candy) for their friends but they didn’t forget me! I was shocked, honestly. An awesome "I love you" balloon, a huge chocolate kiss, two of those ridiculous heart shaped packages packed themselves with chocolate--a boyfriend couldn't have done better if he'd tried :) They just blessed me beyond measure--it's something that kids do...give freely of themselves. I ended that day feeling so full...and I'm realizinfg that this fulfillment and contentment is become evermore a pattern in my life. It's been so long since I had days like this that it's almost bizarre to me--and it makes me savor it all the more. 

There is a saying, "You can't love a good man, until you've loved a bad one." I don't know how true that is but I do know that depth is created out of sorrow--you're capacity for joy has inadvertently developed and grown as you have traveled through deep loneliness and grief. We created to live deeply--I am priviliged to know more than an ordinary, bland existence--even if that existence can sometimes have it's fill of pain--it just makes the pleasure that much more to be anticipated and enjoyed.

My life is full—and it became full without me really realizing or trying to make it that way. I have beautiful people who speak into my life consistently, I am known, I am well liked by my peers—and none of this happens because I made it so. If there is anything I have learned this year, it is that the most beautiful things happen when you let go. When you don’t know what’s around the corner or how the story ends and you let life play itself out—fall into God’s lap, so to speak—that’s when the magic, the impossible (improbable) happens and your life is made beautiful for you.

My life is being made beautiful for me.

I hadn’t expected that. My throwback thinking still has me trying to prove myself, to earn the love that is so freely given to me! I can’t seem to escape needing to justify my existence and show that I am worth all that has been given to me. Grace is a beautiful lesson that the Lord has had to fill my life with over and over again—because I don’t understand it and so He has to immerse me in it, make me experience it over and over again, trying to help me see that there is a new way, there is life to be lived and it doesn't all depend on me.

Grace is so safe—in a dangerous way. Even now, I simply don’t understand it. When I allow His life giving words to flow over me and finally penetrate my heart (I am proud of you. You are a gem. I have plans for you. I see your beauty and your heart for me. My butterfly.), when I truly let myself sit back and contemplate His life that He poured out for me so that I might live free and hopeful—it’s too overwhelming. Every day becomes Valentine’s Day for me, the uncovered gift, freely given—you get to live free! You get to hope! You get to see beyond what the world says is your destiny into all that the Lord has planned for you! You get to move forward completely reliant on His power rather than your own! You get to live filled with His love, just basking in it, overwhelmed by it!

I thought I would spend today fighting loneliness—I should have known better. He anticipates every need and has already moved forward to fill it in—and more abundantly than I could ever anticipate and plan for. He catches me off guard every day as I wake up and come into His presence—like my kids showing up with an abundance of Valentine’s—I simply never lack when I choose Him. 

Happy Valentines Day all those who are Beloved of the Lord. Remember as you celebrate this day that true love is sacrifice—and ultimate sacrifice, ultimate love, is a giving away of your life. Remember the one who gave away His love for you and choose to move forward in His power, overwhelmed by all He is and has for us. He is more than you know—find your life in Him, true life and remember to live free!!! It’s His gift to us—no worries or frustrations or endless anxiety—but rather perfect peace as we pray, His Presence as we worship and His love flowing out as we live this life in Him.  He died for that—for you—you are worth all the chocolates in the world and many more flowers. The loving sacrifice of the God man shows that.

My Little Bit of Folly or "Notes on Resigning"

It’s that tired time of night where your mind wanders—and I want to find out where my thoughts have gone to…

I’m finally able to think outside myself for the first time in ages. I was so trapped by my own stress and anxiety that I was constantly over-thinking, trying to analyze every possible area of my life and realizing they all came up short and giving myself a total…well, it was bad…

I’ve realized something in resigning…freedom. Not to do as I want—that has never been my style, never will be. I don’t give up. But knowing that you have done your best, for whatever reason it hasn’t been seen and it’s time to move on. It’s not even anyone’s fault, it just happened. You knew—and deep down, they knew too—that it was time to see what tomorrow brought. It was time to give up control, trying to fix things and let whatever happens, happen. You get to live. You get to be free—that’s what you have permission to do, as one of God’s own. No, you can’t control all the outcomes and no, you can’t see around the corner and no, you don’t control your own destiny but BE GLAD! He does…

And He—holy, righteous, just and true—will see you through to the end. That’s as much a part of His character as anything else and whatever He ever is, He is all in, all the time. There is literally not a shadow of change to be glimpsed in Him.

I think that’s part of what I love most about God—the infinity of Him, the fact that if He has been a certain way, He will continue to be that way forever, no matter what happens. We can’t outsmart Him or surprise Him or fool Him—don’t even try. We can reflect Him—and I hope that is shown in my life. In all my horrible inconsistencies, I hope that I can reflect a little bit of Him—His joy, truth, passion…that in all my shortcomings, He would rush in and get the glory and see me for who I am and still love me.

That’s all I want—isn’t that all anyone wants?