I'm sitting in a crowded Starbucks, feeling slightly sleepy and overwhelmed, but happy.
I have a lot going on...first SOLO!!! week of student teaching just passed (five more days to go in second grade!), life, TPA's (don't get me started)...all the lots of stuff. And yet, in the midst of this crazy, Jesus is calling. And the crazier thing--I'm listening.
I feel like the past few weeks God has been calling me to fall in love with Him again. Love Me, sing for Me, He says...and I have been. It's like a reawakening--and there have been things that tried to stop it. Remember that guy I liked? God has brought healing out of all that and through it--I can basically hang out with him and be normal now (more normal than ever before :) but for some reason, my mind kept going back to it the last month. I would just be in a tizzy (I like that word) for no reason--I hadn't even seen him recently! Finally two weeks ago one of my friends prayed for me for it and I have literally been freed all over again. JESUS! THAT is a GREAT feeling :) More and more freedom...and then I was feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed by my life (Robin trying to do all the work on her own...yikes!) that I literally made myself sick. That was one of the worst days of my life. But God reminded me in that time that I need to really lean into Him for all my strength and support--He has to be my Rock, or I am totally unable.
And then last night happened--oh crazy, let me tell you about it! Worship night at the Stirring with Jesus bringing me completely to me my knees and then just kneeling before Him, crying out--for Haiti, for Redding, for His bride who needs Him so and must be brought back to Him. I worshipped with all that I had--you know the feeling (maybe)--pouring out my life before Him for whatever He has--Haiti or otherwise--and then we stopped.
The worship leaders told us that they felt as though God just wanted us to spend the next few minutes with Him, speaking to us, touching us, individually. He talked about his son, his five month old (Jenna's baby!) and how Samuel will sometimes be looking everywhere but at His dad. His little eyes dart around and all that that dad wants is for his son to look at him and know how intensely he loves him. We do that with God. We're looking everywhere else, and we don't allow Him to just look us in the eyes and love us. So, for the next few minutes, we were to give God our undivided attention--look Him straight in the eyes.
I knew exactly what he was talking about. I have spent the better part of the last year not looking God in the eye--and it's partly because I'm afraid of what I'll see. What if all those deep desires (the ones that, for heaven's sake!, He's putting in me) don't get fulfilled? What if what He has for me is something I can't stomach and don't want? What if...? And isn't that the worst, isn't that distrust to its fullest? I'm afraid of the God of the universe and what He'll do for me. But God got past all of that last night, miraculously. Perhpas I was finally able to say that He is good and He always does what is good because I have seen it for the last two months of my life. Joy, fullness, hope--they have all been my portion in this season which I was afraid would be one of the driest of my life. I see and know more than ever before that if God is my portion and He is the one leading in my life it all ends in good: in joy, hope, trust, such life! So I worshipped Him and celebrated Him for being that in my life last night...and then He spoke to me (if you can call pictures words :)
We were sitting there, in the dark, my eyes closed and suddenly, I was in a garden, glowing with life and vitality, total purity and I was dressed in white. I knew this was my garden with God and I was smiling up at Him--those smiles that light up your face and He said, "My Bride." I'm tearing up even thinking about it. See, this is one of those deep secret desires that I have had planted in my life lately--one which I had not even given voice to, it was too painful. I hadn't even been consciously aware of it, this desire. I wanted to be a bride so badly, but I just didn't ever see it happening, so even though it is such a vital part of my heart--just crying out!--I shut it down (or tried to). But last night God spoke directly to that part of my heart. He answered that cry as only our God can: You are My Bride. You are all I ever dreamed of or planned or hoped you would be. You fulfill it all.
I wept--maybe with relief. It was such a brilliant, beautiful picture and to know that I am His treasured One and He looks on me as a bride...I can't help but stand in wonder. Jesus is all I will ever need.
Jesus is all I will ever need.
Jesus is all I will ever need.
And I know that will be fought against and there is still a battle to be won; but this I also know: I am His.
And He is mine.
Beautiful bride....beautiful bride...beautiful bride...
Here's to Your return Jesus! Come soon!
Back to the world of Starbucks and TPA's...but somehow it seems filled with glory now.
My King loves me. I can rest content in Him.
