Getting through the Heartbreak! :)

You know, the one thing that breaks my heart (literally) is the way that we men and women can play games with each other.

I see it do so much damage, the little bits of flirting coupled with the indecisiveness on the part of some of the parties involved...like one of my favorite pastors says (Nathan Edwardson) it leaves us women "wondering and wandering".

I was involved in a situation like this several years ago. Of course, being me and the scared rabbit that i sometimes revert to, I was very hard to read. (I don't make it easy for a guy to pursue me :)) And yeah, maybe it was all in my head. But is it normal for a guy to tell you about how he asked a girl to the dance and then asks you to show up as well?

Wondering and wandering...

Yeah, I didn't go to that dance. Instead I hung out in my dorm lobby with a few other girls and scrapbooked my heart out. The result is hanging on my wall, a sort of forgiveness to myself for letting my heart goes so far out there for this guy only to find him (perhaps not intentionally) rejecting me. There was so much hurt in me after this incident--I remember heading out to the back 40 (a little bit of woods behind my college) and probably straining my guitar (as well as the ears of any who heard me) as I cried out my heart in song.

Heartbreak comes so easy to us girls...

So much has been written about sexual purity that it can get a bit overdone. How many times do we have to hear...? and it still hasn't penetrated on some level--girls make crazy choices still...

I want to address the heart.

That's what I lost in my "battle" for purity...that's what I was never warned about, not directly. I read Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity book over and over until it was worn out, then gave it away and a friend (Justina!) gave it to me for Christmas. I practically had that book, which details her relationship with Jim Elliot, memorized (and read as many other purity books as possible) but it was no help when I faced the relational stickiness of my life.

 Maybe we all need to get hurt to learn. Maybe joy only comes and can truly be felt on the wings of sorrow (because God truly does work all things for our good--take heart!). but if I can shed some light on this subject and bring hope to another soul, I'm more than happy to share my pain and how God has brought me through.

See, we women are just made differently than men and we need to realize that and move from that. We are created with very tender hearts--and relationships just look different for us and to us. Smart guys know this--they get the girl by talking her up, activating her heart. We lose our hearts before we lose our bodies--this is the truth. And it doesn't take much--a little bit of hanging out, hearing this guy's story even minutely--if that guy is in anyway attractive to you, you'll be hooked.

And I know, it is a little different for everybody. This girl likes a guy who owns a truck goes hunting and works on the farm. This girl wants a guy who has a college degree and a kind heart. This girl wants the guy who feeds homeless people and will travel the world. The right guy at the right time...that's who you fall for.

But what do you do when your dream guy shows up, becomes friends with you and then moves on?

I've felt that pain...it was like someone had taken a firecracker and set it off in my heart, oblivious to the damage it would cause. I walked around with a brokenness in me that I didn't know could exist. Oh, and that wrenching? it would only get worse if I saw him. I never understood what they meant when they said you could die from a broken heart--until I saw him unexpectedly in the library one day (we hadn't been talking for months) and my heart about tried to twist out of my chest. Excruciating.

But there is hope, redemption and healing...I left that scene, went and stood in the hallway and all of a sudden a balm (call it the balm of Gilead) came flowing over my heart. I literally felt a warmth flowing over my heart, bringing healing to broken places. I knew my Lord had seen me, seen the part I played in this affair and loved me still--would even comfort me and allow me to be wrapped up in His arms.

That's how I made it through the next couple years as I worked on my teaching credential and he worked on his relationship with the other girl. It was lonely--the loneliest times of my minute existence--but I was never alone. The tears were caught, the questions settled by peace and strength that I never knew I could have came. I was even grateful--not for the pain, but that God had His timing--and I knew that dating at that time of my life would have been ridiculous--there was just too much else going on.

The time will come...and a worthy man will come along, one who will treasure your heart, that precious peace of you that you must not give away freely. That is worth fighting for--and worth healing for.

And when rejection comes--and your heart gets crippled--stretch out your hands to Daddy. He loves you dearly and He will see you through the process--for however long it takes. For so many years, I felt such shame...but God saw me even through that. Loved me there. He'll do the same for you. His love is that great. It is enough...