"I Can't Sleep with Her! We Have History Together!"

I'm trying to see my life through new eyes...

I think--no, I know I grew up afraid. Afraid to get in other people's way, afriad to be a bother--how else do you explain a six-year-old choosing to walk home from school (more than a few miles across busy roads) because she thought the office ladies were "too busy"?

I think a lot of us grew up afraid. Courage is in short supply, especially in America. I mean, most of us walk around with our head down, afraid to meet the eyes of the people around us. Who taught us that? Why is that okay?

I just want something different.

This one is hard to write, because its too personal, it cuts too close to home, it reveals too much of my heart. But I'm learning, as I go through this life, that often the hardest subjects to bring up are the ones that need the most talking about--they need to come out into the open. So I admit it--I'm not good at loving. I grew up in a fear-based, controlling environment (a lot of things helped me realize this, such as reading Danny Silk's book, Keep Your Love On and the fight I've had against fear my whole life--which Jesus is helping me win!) and I'm almost as bad at loving as the main character in the movie, "Just Friends".

But I realized something--you can change. The guy from that movie did (I really wouldn't recommend the video except for the fact that he got it right at the end) and he's not real...why wouldn't I be able to? One of my best moments from that movie wasn't the end, but actually when they finally really connected, then she proposed "staying the night" like old times (they were best friends in high school and slept over but nothing happened then), then they shared a bed--and he couldn't/wouldn't make a move!

You know why? The next morning, when he's talking with a guy friend he says, "I can't sleep with Jamie! We  have history together!"

Ahhh! Is anybody seeing how wonderfully this silly character tacked onto a point--you can't just sleep with someone who you actually care about. He really loved her and he couldn't use her.

I got stuck in Ephesians today and especially Ephesians 5 (seems to be a theme in my life--weirdly! I'm not married!). The chapter starts out talking about how as people given new life in Christ with a new perspective and identity (this is what the preceding chapters talk about) we should walk in love. We do not partner with those who do deeds of darkness (love alliteration!) but rather expose them and be filled with God's Spirit. Then this chapter on love ends by talking about ultimate expression of love: the love between a husband and wife.

See, this is why we crave "love" so and search for it so hard and fast--something in us knows that this is the one thing we need more than any other. It is the most powerful of relationships bar none. It literally keeps people together for years and when you see it in action it can take your breath away. We know this--but we don't know how to get this.

Because we have taken the cross out of love.

Instead of seeing what it can do for the other person, we have made it for ourselves. We have chosen to put our trust in our ability to produce in someone and pull from them the love we need...and then we see it fail, time and time again.

Because that's not the way it works. And that was never the example set for us. Check it out:

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.²⁸ In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

If any of you feel like you missed the mark, you're not alone. If any of you feel like the call is too large or you've missed the mark--there's grace! Jesus not only forgives, He also empowers those who belong to Him. Life will come as you follow His example: submitting, sacrificing, loving and respecting. This is not a winner-takes-all deal--He never wanted it to be that way. It's a Jesus-reigns-supreme kind of game--that's the choice you can make in your marriage. And don't yell at me when you both become more alive and hopeful as you learn to live this way!

I want to love my husband well, as much as I am enabled to, from the day I meet him until the day I die. I don't know what that looks like. It scares me. Even today I was telling God, "I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm awful at reciprocating love, letting people too close, etc. " But I believe He knows me and He knows him and He'll teach us as we go. He better send me someone I can respect! (haha) and I will learn to submit--and the goal of our marriage will be to put Christ on display. May He (Christ) love you too as you go forth on this journey--preparing for your marriage doesn't start after you get engaged and certainly doesn't start when you start dating--the time is NOW! May Jesus be your all in all and may He get the glory in how you choose to do relationship--with your significant other and otherwise!