It's been a while...
...maybe that's an (hmm, what is the opposite of an exagerration? an understatement? a completely ridiculous under-analysis? who cares?)
all in all--life has been nuts. I fly back and forth between parallel worlds, all needing my time, all needing my attention, all taking space, time, joy, hope--it feels like everything that has been me has been rearranged these last few months and the new me--the one typing into this computer right now--is a foriegn person to me. i haven't even been able to begin the interrogation to find out how she thinks and feels and does life--I just let her go. She messes things up (for example: I recieved the award for messiest classroom recently--this is not a thing to be proud of for all those of you who stood up and clapped), feels inadequate, wears shoes that don't fit and is constantly in a hurry (there's always one more thing to do! and then one more and then one more...)
she's wearing me out...honestly
i kick her out one day a week--she tries to crowd in and tell me all the things i haven't accomplished and "let's think through this lesson plan" and "how do you think this student is doing?" and "what's the capital of Michigan?" "what does your principal think of you?" "are you sure you're fit for this job?" "when will you get to this?" and on and on and on
and on that one day when i finally get her to shut up and look me in the face and find me again--the toilet overflows...the dog shits all over...my little sister has various tantrums over nothing, demanding i join her in her insolent rage against the world and what it makes her do...
i find my peace--just barely...and cling to it--again, just barely....ahhh....
i tell you the truth, if i have another week like this one...if my observation with my principal doesn't go well on monday...if i have to keep changing and revising SO MANY LITTLE THINGS OVER AND OVER....
oh i could tell you how hard--but then i remember real love...a love i am called to--not told i have to muster up, but display
and this love was not easy, freely given...the choice was agony, sweating blood "brutal" would be the proper term...brutal indeed
a love that goes past whether these kids, in my class, deserve my love, HIS love that He offers to pour out THROUGH me...the choice isn't mine, the death to myself isn't mine--and yet it is
every day i am learning--he is putting me through the wringer on this--that love is free, costs nothing and will never originate from me. i must DIE to what i want, what i think i need and look HIM straight in the face every morning and say, "If i want to LIVE i must have more of you. every day i am dying without you and it is right for me to die because it calls me to cry out for more of you. and though this transfer is painful and takes much more trust than i thought i could ever (or would ever want to) muster up, i WILL STILL CHOOSE YOU."
and that is my life...the only life i have now...
and He is enough--though it is painful, burning away all those things which try to teach me to be safe, protect myself and not allow love to seep through--but i am saying no to all my old tendencies...dying so that i may truly live...and finding that the life on the other side was more to be gained than all i could have ever kept if i had stayed safe, locked up and private--open love, vulnerable and dangerous, reaching out even though your fingers may get slammed in the door--this is the only way for me now. and i am stumbling and a fool and don't get it right even half the time, I am learning...for HE is a good teacher--and He's making me into one who is shaped just alike, directly out of His image, i am.
Teach on, Good teacher...this one is willing.
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