My life's ambition...
How many of you can answer that question or can name people who think in that way? I wonder in this world...this world filled with people who are obsessed with being entertained and with themselves--and I fall into this category lately more often than I had hoped.
I guess as this year comes to a close...I feel disappointed. I know I shouldn't, and even as I write it down I feel as though it is a lie from the enemy--but it's still there. And I should deal with it, not just push it away. Why am I disappointed?
Because this year has been a big one for me. I graduated, got a new (temporary) job, moved into an apartment...that's a lot of change and many things to celebrate. But I feel alone...I feel alone so much of the time and maybe that's it. Maybe I wish...a lot of things, ordinary things. This is going to be a strange sort of wish list, but I wish I didn't seem so strong and confident. I wish...well, I could say a lot of things, but just to be "wanted", "appreciated", "looked out for"...
And...I wish I didn't want that.
I wish that I was enough and then I wish I knew how to live out my life as an adult...how do you create friendships when your friends no longer live down the hall? How do you...? I just suck at being a good friend!! Haha...
Anyways, I have been, in a way, "cut down to size" this year. I'm not known on every hallway I walk down, I can go a whole day without having a meaningful conversation, and my life is small. So small...if I failed or moved forward...not that many people would notice. That's a good thing to realize...difficult too.
Haha...God is humbling me. And how I needed it! I hope it never ends...
There are many things in front of me. I write that with great difficulty, because the truth is, as sure as I am of my future, I have no idea how it will come to pass. Sure, there are things in front of me, but I don't see how any of them will lead me to where He says I'm going. How does getting a teaching credential prepare you to change the nation of Haiti?
Two things I am seeing this Christmas break:
1. I have forgotten to trust the Lord and put my hope in Him.
2. I have forgotten how to delight in the Lord.
My only plea: "Restore to me the joy of my salvation!"
My life's ambition used to be to get to the nation of Haiti and do some good...then it changed: I just wanted others to know Him. Now...now...I don't know. It feels bleak...but things can turn around. Things will turn around: God is on my side.
"I have set the LORD always before me;
because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." Psalm 16:8
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