It's vacation...thus...I throw my sleep schedule entirely off :)
I also realize a lot of things...haha. Like that my life doesn't matter as much...but it's my life and so it means something. And my faith isn't what I thought it was...because I'm not who I thought I was--but that doesn't change who my God is--and He is constantly reaching for me, even on the days when I feel furthest from Him.
This time last year I was freaking out because I realized I liked a boy--and I liked him a lot more than I even cared to admit to myself! I can remember being so frightened by that realization...I had been moving so fast before that time that I could just ignore the feelings brewing. But then Christmas break came and I had so much time to sit and think--and it was so...exhausting! I cried a lot, mainly because I also realized at that time that I had no idea what the future held and no plans.
A year later...I can see a future of some sort materializing in front of me. Sometimes it seems rather bleak and other days everything seems possible. Today was an in-between sort of day, more blah than anything. A day when your mistakes float up toward you in the silence and you miss certain people. I especially missed that boy I liked today--like a regret and a sadness--but I know that it was not for me...and Jesus has me right where He wants me.
I need to believe that--some days more than others.
Today was sad songs--but then I called upon the Lord and praised Him and the timbre of my voice changed: sadness which had kept it from being all it should be was lifted and the joy that used to be a mainstay of my being floated out of me.
I want to live out of that place--my life can't just fade into nothingness--please Jesus, move me forward.
I've learned a lot about love in a year--I guess you wouldn't think that, seeing as I haven't met the one I'm supposed to love. But any assumptions you have about me may be, and should be, wrong. Just because no one is falling in love with you doesn't mean you're not learning the ropes of the obstacle course...
Love takes everything...and I know this, though I was just a beginner with no stakes placed in the game. You think your emotions, your way of thinking, your way of life is something dictated completely by you--but love twists all that up. Everything is suddenly pulling you toward this person who only months before was just another guy. You spend hours trying to get him out of your head--but then 15 minutes spent with him ruins all your efforts. You care--SO MUCH!--about the slightest conversations you have and hope for more...in other words, you're crazy.
I hated realizing how much I liked the guy I liked for one huge reason: it was something I had no control over. I tried (and was successful in some ways) in keeping him out of my head...but you can't stop the way your heart reacts when you see him...you can't stop loving his company so much and feeling like that is the most comfortable place in the world for you...some things become out of your control, because it is bigger than you and you can't stop it. If I had heard anyone say this about love before my experience I would have laughed at them. I thought I could dictate those kinds of things (which, sometimes, you can. You are in control of your actions), but sometimes...everything spins away from you. I know what they mean when they say those things about love being like a disease/madness...it's so strange...
As I was putting this guy behind me (as you must when he acquires a girlfriend) God let me in on a little, slightly embarrassing, bit of information:
"You did not love him well."
Haha...imagine that thought coming into your head as you try to move past what has felt like a de-railing of your life the past few months. But, as God always is, He was right. I had not loved him well. In fact, from the outside looking in, it probably looked as though I wanted to avoid him at all costs. I was so overwhelmed by all that was going on in me whenever I was around him that I became like a robot--afraid to do or say anything wrong. I actually went completely still in one class, for the whole class, because I was sitting next to him. I couldn't treat him in the casual, open way that I treated everyone else who was my friend; I would just go completely stiff. Poor guy, he probably was so confused by me...
But all of this...it shows just how far I was from love--and yet how close. Love is vulnerability, which I was not willing to share, and so I did my best to be constantly on my guard. The one thing in life which I always saw myself farthest from was marriage...now I'm not so sure...
God is showing me my flaws and insignificances...it's a time of loneliness and set apartness. I'm not quite sure whether the Robin I always was will pop out on the other side (sometimes joy seems to be in a unforeseen short supply) but this time is good. I am tired and sad and heavy, but this is not the end.
God knows my bitterness, the things I am being cleansed of, and the ways that He is preparing me for the future He is pulling me into. I may be alone for many years to come, but I will have all that I need for whatever lays ahead. He gave me that promise, both in His word and His words to me from others. I will walk through this ache with Him and learn a love that goes beyond the norm from Him.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
Hosea 2:14-15
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