It's that quiet time of night again...
Just reflecting on life--lately, I think I'm headed uphill. For a long time this summer, I was content with being "under the weather" I guess you'd say. I didn't mind not being close to God...or maybe its not that I didn't mind but I'd resigned myself to it. Every time I came home for summer I got cut off from community and isolated to my own little world where depression just waited for me and the only way out was to be constantly distracted. Summer was a lonely time, a time where I gained weight and wished...wished I could have fellowship.
I didn't want to come home this summer. I tried every which way to get out of it...but the Lord lead me home. The week before I finished school He spoke to me while I was in church, just letting me know that I should go home and that He was going to bring freedom to my family in a way they had never known.
So I went...
But then...resignation. My family has pulled together while I've been here and I have had so much come together in these last few months: I finally got my driver's license; I got a job, the job I wanted and my parents even bought me a car (which I have yet to learn how to drive! Stick shift, you make me cry!) Good things were and are happening...but there was still that sticking point in me, this...thing which I didn't move past. Part of it was shame, a shame which I will no longer claim and which tormented me and then added to that was this lie: "You've made it so that God can't use you. Do you realize what you've done, how far off track you are? You'll never be more than this." Oh, those lies...even writing them out makes me realize how potent they were and how I had feed myself just a little bit more of them each day. How I needed (still need) truth and yet I denied myself because I felt I was not worthy...
We have a God who never gives up on us, amen? A God who bends time and moves in miracles to make all that He wants to come to pass a reality. A God on our side, with no reservations about His love and how He lavishes it upon us. I didn't think I was worthy, I felt sure I had fallen to far and boy was I right! For all fall short of the glory of God...but how does that verse end?
Romans 3:24-25 "Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood."
Hallelujah! I can live with that! Christ is the One who has done the work, I rely fully upon Him for my cleansing and renewal.
You know, we sang a song at my new church this Sunday that really got to me. It's just this one part about those who have ridden the river of heartache...I just wept at those words. I need Jesus so bad, in ways that I can't put into words, because I have been cut deeper than I know--but he can heal. He's already at work in my life, repairing and restoring and preparing me for a new day. I sincerely believe that. And I don't care what that new day holds, husband or no, because I know Christ will always be at my side and that is truly enough. I can say that again with utmost confidence, confidence I haven't had for a while--possibly months.
I will be reminded of this last season I was in constantly...but the pain is easing. It is. Time doesn't heal all wounds--but Christ does, if we let Him. If we allow Him in, He can truly do all things. He really can make everything new.
Looking forward to my new day and holding onto the promises I've already been given,
His daughter, Robin
P.S. I'm praying with expectancy again! God, we're looking for the answers to our prayers! Maranatha!
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