God's asking me to dream again--and really, it's bizarre for me--and I think that's a bad thing. It shows me up in ways that I don't want to be exposed. It makes me realize (and at the same moment forgive myself) for where I've let my heart be for the past few years.
It makes me take a step back and think again--who do I want to be? where do I see myself in ten years? what are my goals?
And it makes me realize just how disconnected I am from myself.
And I'm not shocked. And I know I'm not the only one. In fact, if we were all truly, unquenchingly honest--like a street-interview-because-no-ones-ever-going-to-see-this kind of honesty--we'd find that literally no one has a true clue about who they are and where they are headed.
And the ones who do, who "know that they know that they know"--they're powerful.
Because without a vision the people perish--hello! Who do you think that Proverb is about if it's not about American culture? We are so quick and plugged in and always constantly moving from place to place and event to event that our hearts have become distant realms that we never access (if anyone ever taught us to access them from the beginning).
My disconnect comes from a variety of factors--first of all, my life moving too fast. Secondly, environment--at times it was too caustic to let my heart be known. Thirdly, disappointment. I thought I knew the dreams of my heart and had vision but then it was too much...maybe I tried too hard to make it happen or had to narrow a view of my vision and when it didn't come about, it left me devastated and made me lose heart--and it's been hard to get all of that back.
So...while we're here...I'm going to do a little re-visioning (and I encourage you to do the same--it's good for your heart and the course of your life).
Revision: 1) brilliant marriage reflecting the love of the father and how He pursues His bride and sees her through the darkest nights
[sidenote: okay, based on the specificity of this first one, maybe I am not so far from knowing my heart and the new vision the Lord has put into it...He's just been revising and I need to tune in...]
2) teaching in some form (English, school, the Bible)--teaching in any capacity that allows me to connect with others, learning about and speaking into their heart and the dreams therein
3) worship Him! either through dance, song or prayer--letting the Father's heart be known and loving others through connecting them to His heart
4) raise little people (really this next generation) up in the love, freedom and joy found in the Lord while helping them escape the schemes of the devil; which, in plain English, means everything thrown at them that tries to tear at their heart and destroy their lives. I know God has good planned for the earth and our children are going to experience it. [If I could, I'd be a stay at home mom, supporting my husband in his work and offering help in any way need to see him and his ministry thrive]
Alright...alright...alright...I do have vision (good to know). Now for the tricky part--how to pray through figuring out how to move forward specifically! AAHHHHH!
We'll get there--I'm exhausted and happy--but still have no clue about my future.
And that is okay.
I know who's I am and that's enough--because He's enough and He'll see me through.
My job is to stay connected to Him :)
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