Haha...I'm not sure how I got through the last couple months...have you ever felt like that?
I was literally running on nothing but the Holy Spirit, Jesus and my roommates prayers. I thought my family would want to talk with me about it over break, let me reminisce and share in the joy that I had finished but that didn't happen at all...with them I still had to give and give and give to the point where I was empty--it was as bad as working at that junior high and I was so glad to leave.
That's awful to say, I know, but it's true...what I thought was refuge was actually the opposite and I wasn't sure how to process it, how to pray...I think I just went numb.
I'm so tired--and I just couldn't be tired over break, there was no room or time for it...that must be what Jesus felt when He went away to pray after John the Baptist died and people followed Him and needed Him and He was there for them and had pity on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd.
It's so hard God.
But I'm learning...how to yield...though I'm so bad at it. I think I was supposed to encourage and pray for someone today and didn't heed the voice. Jesus have pity on me, I'm not who I should be. I'm so tired...tired...tired...
Yet I will keep on. Even if people do not believe in me, even if I lose all the help and support of the people around me, eve if the darkness tries to overtake me--yet I will hope in God, my strength and salvation. I will pursue the Lord with all my heart.
He showed me a picture of myself as I believe He sees me--a warrior woman arrayed in beautiful white armour. First I was just standing strong with my life offered before Him and then I was in battle with the thought/idea that I would fight to the very end, to bitter death, 'til I had given my all FOR THE LOVE I BORE FOR HIM.
They talked about "rema" words a little later in the Bethel service I was at, words given to us from the Bible for us to wield as swords. I believe God's going to give me words to bear before me, to learn to fight for myself and the people I love.
Oh draw me closer Lord. I won't try to strive anymore and muster up the strength to be strong enough and fight hard...instead I will be the one who is wholly yielded to her Lord, knowing that what they really need is a glimpse of You in Your power and strength and doing my best to bend out of the way so that Your glory is fully revealed.
You brought me through the last few months, gave me victory and I am so grateful. Lead me onward, Beautiful King. I will no longer live out of a fear of lack because You are always enough for me and You have proved it over and over again.
I love You...more than words can tell and I want to love You more!!!!! and then we'll change the world as Your love takes hold of all around and brings them close close close to You. I LOVE YOU!
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