Journey Out of Control

My life story is a little ridiculous. I remember when I was younger, I thought that my testimony was really boring: I grew up in church, met God and love Him. I was wrong: It wasn't boring, it was just still in process. Many of the little strange, syncopated bits didn't quite come to my full attention until my most recent history.

For example, family dynamics: I had no idea how ridiculously dysfunctional we were until I moved back this summer. There are only four of us left in the house but the off-balance dynamics of trying to control one another to get "love" are just accentuated among so few. It's bizarre--I always assumed we were a fairly healthy family...but that's because as a teenager, I did whatever "performance" was required of me to be accepted (get good grades, obey the rules, etc.) and laid low. My sister, on the other hand, does the opposite and gets the wrath--we're learning love through her, because we can't hide behind pleasing each other and pretending that that's love anymore--we're being called out!

Those skewed love earning behaviors didn't fly in college--or in my relationship with the Lord. I always assumed that the same dynamics (perform well, earn "love") would be at work in that relationship--but He assured me it wasn't so. He pinpointed my weak point and taught me that my grades wouldn't give me substance and worth in His eyes...This was really a fight for me to learn--I was so used to getting "glory" and respect from my teachers by being a good student that when I became a bad student and got bad grades (B's on worksheets, nothing extravagant!) I got really upset. My self confidence started to tank--because we were never made to live out of ourselves--we were made to find our worth in being one of God's own...I had so much to learn. And learn I did: I actually got a "C" (unheard of in my academics) as my final grade my senior year and I didn't freak when I found out--that was a victory for me! Bizarre, huh? That's just the beginning of my reprogramming :)

Boys--oh that brought out the controller in me at its worst. The one and only guy that I had a massive crush on in college was also the bane of my existence...yeah. I could not control and suppress how I felt when I was around him and I, needing control, couldn't stand that! Weird, right? (Haha, you've got your own! Laugh at mine, but also praise God that He is at work changing us into the image of His Son--I'm so grateful.) I can remember just ignoring him if I would run into him because I was relationally challenged! He probably thought I really really didn't like him, I acted so differently toward him than toward any other person. I was usually really spunky and joyful, but when he came around I shut down a little...so afraid. Still working through that one...

I'm so prone to control--trying to figure things out on my own and make it all work out perfectly--that God has had to put me in more than one extended periods of waiting. I actually have no idea in which area of my life I'm not waiting...

It's just my season--like Joseph in the pit and Sarah as she longed for a baby and Moses as he wandered through that desert...sometimes you're just waiting.

I've tried to pull out of the season several times. I have a general idea of what's ahead and where I should be--so why not send me to Haiti (the country I'll eventually love on in the future) and Mongolia (because I am going to be a teacher, so I could teach here to get started)? and nope! the reins get snatched right out of my hands over and over again as He smiles down at me and says, "You just don't get it yet, do you? Chill out kid."

And I chill out (sort of, haha).

I started writing this post after hearing the worshippers of Kansas City's IHOP sing:

Just when I think I've got it all figured out

You go and turn my world upside down

You go and turn it all around

You want me leaning on You

Those words exemplify perfectly the journey that the Lord has had me on--the Journey Out of Control and Into Love!

You shall love me

You shall love me

You shall love me

This is what the Lord is teaching me above all. My waiting has served to pour me into Hs arms--I have had so many painful seasons where I had nothing to offer Him (except maybe my shame) and hHe chose to come so close to the brokenhearted Robin in those times. He can't send us out until we've learned His love, no matter how painful that lesson may be. I have been badly beaten (heart wise) and the only balm was His precious anointing oil from Gilead...nothing else would have satisfied or served to renew. I kept casting myself upon Him, over and over again, and He kept drawing me close, undoing one bandage at a time until this heart was fully His. It will never be the same.

The pain is worth it. The suffering brings renenwal and eventually joy. The season will not last forever, one day the Son will have to come breaking through the clouds (as the sun is finally streaming through the clouds into my window as I write) and nothing can stop His light, love and hope from flodding into your life, not even yourself. I know that now...and it has given me desperately good hope. I am so thankful, thankful for the pain because it has allowed me to see His face and know His love as no earthly person could teach you--and that is worth it to me.

Whatever He brings me through from this moment forth--I will chose trust, not control. He has taught me that He can be trusted over and above all who live on this earth and that being known by Him is worth far more than any earthly crown. If that is all I gain in this life, the glory of His face and the knowledge of His love, then of all people, I will be most blessed.

Thank You Saviour.