It's one of those nights...one where you just kind of are in this mood where you want to be alone and kind of think thoughts that are a little melancholy...you just want to reflect and be quiet.
I'm gonna write it all down...
My heart is racing...for no reason...its just what I'm thinking about and might share :) haha...I've grown a lot this year, so much. At times I thought it was because something was going to happen...and things did happen, but not the things I thought would happen...
The pastor at my parent's church just came back from Haiti. He saw sixty orphans living in chicken coops and we're going to build an orphanage for them. he started his sermon by asking who would trade their present circumstances for the biggest tent in Port-au-Prince. No one raised their hand (of course) but my mom whispered to me, "You would."
She knows me better than I let on...
She might even know me better than I know myself.
Oh I wonder...that boy...
And I let myself dream lately...of a man who has kind eyes and a steadiness that will keep me when all the rest is falling apart. I'm energetic and people loving enough for two people...I need someone with strength and endurance for the days I fall apart.
But its hard, you know? I'm twenty-two...most people have boyfriends about now, or the inklings of one (insert sad, sweet smile). Why am I different?
I had someone say, about a month before school ended, "You know, I was thinking, 'why doesn't Robin have a boyfriend? She's funny and smart and...and then I realized, there's no one cool enough for you."
That was heartening, in its own way. It's good to think back on. And I kind of know why I haven't had a boyfriend, etc. There's always been a set apartness about me...something that people can kind of sense, something that intimidates a lot of guys...and I'm glad for it. I've been protected by a Loving Father (you all know who I'm talking about).
I have to trust Him in this time. I have to let Him be in control and move my steps and help me wait...not easy...but good, so good I can almost taste it and it should make me sing for joy and exult in all you are, My Lord.
Not easy...but worth it.
And all those years I spent reading Elisabeth Elliot's book and praying that I wouldn't have it easy...well, living it out is something different altogether. I never knew my weaknesses before. But He can be strength...I just have to let Him.
I let Him be strength last night. I was driving home from a friends house and it was pouring rain. I'm a new driver and it was a 45 minute drive home and the storm did not relent. I was worried at times that I'd do something stupid and end up dead...but I held onto the wheel and kept praying.
"Jesus, help me get home safe. Jesus, be my strength. Jesus, let me stay on the road. Jesus, be my eyes, help me see..."
And shouldn't that always be how we pray? Shouldn't I always realize that I don't have what it takes, I need help and direction from a God is more than able to supply my needs and knows the path before me? Shouldn't I?
I was glad to go to that friends house. She and I have only known each other through this year--she was totally put into my life by God--and we have helped each other walk through very similar situations this year. Even last night, as we talked, I was amazed at how she had grown. We both had these massive crushes on guys we thought were cute--the kind of crush that leaves your head feeling funny all day and makes you want to stay away from the guy and yet always be near him at the same time--at least, that's how it was for me. I did my best to avoid my crush and treated him different form every other person I knew--but it was all because I couldn't handle being near him!!! (So lame! Question: Is putting the facebook status, "If I'm careful with you does that mean I love you?" seem an appropriate status to put up? I didn't post it, but that's what I wanted to write today...thinking of him).
Anyway, I'm getting away from it all :)
The guys we had crushes on did not reciprocate completely. The guy I liked I think had feelings for me, but in the end I saw clearly how much our lives were going to diverge. I love the country of Haiti with all my heart (there's really nothing I can do about it!) and he loves another country and will end up there someday. He is a sweetheart, with a lot going for him...but I'm not an add-on, God has very specific things for me...I have to let go. I had to see--I'm not even sure what yet--but he asked another girl to the dance and I stayed home and scrapbooked about the year with friends (it made a wonderful mess in my lobby) and life goes on...I hope we stay friends, but my heart is not out there for the taking. This hurt too much and as much as it is in my power I am handing my love life over to my Creator and allowing Him to have His way. That's the only way that's going to work for me.
My friends had talked with the guy she liked all year and hung out with him too. They were friends...but she wondered if there was more. Yesterday was kind of a deciding day...she talked with him about a comment he'd amde on facebook (and this was an ackward conversation!!) and ascertained that if he really cared for her, he'd been given the chance to express it--with no dice! Life goes on...she was actually telling me last night that she felt content being single, which is huge for her! At the beginning of the year, I can remember sharing with her that I woudln't mind being single my whole life--and she told me that she really wanted a boyfriend, she just wanted to be a wife and mother. How the tables turned!!! We both went through these situations with bys and I popped out the other side really wanting a boyfriend, while she is learning to be content being single...what do you do with that? God is funny that way.
I have a page ripped from the beginning of the year which expresses perfectly what I had started to learn at the beginning of the school year (in the fall) and must now learn again. It's about contentment and having Christ as your only source, all you need (there's real strength in that):
"Getting used to loneliness.
Help me to accept this.
Change me, teach me how to cope, to use
my time wisely and glorify you in
the midst of this.
To learn to wait on God
to really wait for His leading
to trust
Go deep
it won't make sense to you, but it doesn't
have to"
Nothing deep, but Jesus, I need you now like I never have before. Help me not to be embarassed by m weakness, but reach out to you all the more and you will be all I need in these coming days and months. Like Liz, my good friend kept telling me, "You have been filled to overflowing with all the strength you need to endure."
I trust You, God, even when it doesn't make sense to me. Even when it hurts. Help me turn to You. I want to blossom again, a flower under your care. May better days be ahead...bright ones, filled with sunshine. It is summer after all! Help me leave behind my old habits of the heart, constantly searching in the shadows and living in secret hopes which did me no good. I want to be filled, bright, let the world with all its cobwebs fall away from me. Living in you, healed, clean...this is my desire.
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