The Radical Shift

I live so American.

That's so weird to write, but its so true. I have always dreamed of being overseas, I was just that weird kid who from the time she was a teenager looked around and was like, 'what?' I just did not understand the selfishness (though I recognize it in me), the disregard for others, the rebellion that all make up an average American teenager--who has now grown up into an average American young adult. I get it. We have issues. I wanted to leave them behind (cue "Get me out of here!" theme music)

Then I lived here. Really lived here instead of being aloof as I was in high school. I got into life (finally) with other Americans (and a few MK's) in my college story and was a little more okay with being American. Believe me, I still wanted to leave (country of choice, today and always: Haiti) but there was something in me that wasn't so afraid of us and the direction we were going. God moved here too, definitely.

Then I became an American career woman and man, did I take it to the hilt! Beyond nine-to-five with an hour and half commute added in: I was living that dream. And I was beyond lonely. And I went to Starbucks several times a week. And I lived vicariously through Facebook and watched way too many movies and just generally felt...the...ache.

We Americans are so alone.

We fight alone.

We cry alone.

We laugh alone.

We drink alone.

We sing alone.

And we live alone.

I get it. I get it now, the raw ache you feel after a long day when you have no one to connect with and no energy and you just find some way to entertain yourself. I get why you give yourself away so cheaply. I get why you look so tired and jaded and hopeless--we have made a tough world out there, with deadlines and papers and evaluations (can anyone say, "no grace!") and we fight it out and don't even know if it's completely worth it.

I am so sorry for judging you.

But now I am being brought out of that place: fending for yourself and providing for yourself and just being with yourself. I found out today that I wasn't receiving some money that I thought I would get--and it's fine, I don't really NEED it but it just made me realize how radical this season really is: I have to depend on other people now.

And that's really scary.

And I don't do that well: I really am comfortable (too comfortable) being on my own and taking care of myself. I was literally brought up that way and did just fine (I thought). Needing other people and asking for their help is literally completely against my wiring and very intimidating. I had a lot of trouble this year because I did just that: never asked for help. My principal literally leaned toward me during my summative (whole year) evaluation and said, "I'll tell you the secret of what you really need to work on wherever you go next." (Huh? What's that?) "You need to ask for help."

She pinned me. That was it to a tee: it's not even in me to ask...I would always much rather figure it out myself.

It's so destructive! But it's how Americans live! And I do it...really well...and it DESTROYS me.

But God is putting me in a place where I can't operate that way anymore. I am being thrust deep into community (I had a taste this week through going to a workshop called 'Single Life': and this workshop is actually the opposite of single life because you learn there how to operate in community and let people in...the way its named is literally ironic), having to rely on others for what I need and going beyond myself and all that I am comfortable with! And I'm not going to say I'm going to rock it or that it'll be the best thing ever (this is gonna be tough!) but I am EXCITED!

So, if you're still reading, please support me. It may be through prayer or even sending a check but, I am willing to admit: I need help.

SO UnAmerican :) heehee!

Living Alive in the Waiting

There's been a lot going on in my life...so much to think through, dreams to examine and sharpen, ideas to process, just stuff to go through--add in needing to leave my apartment and really convincing myself that I truly was allowed to go to Ireland, like I'd been dreaming off and putting on the back burner for months--and you get a slightly stressed Robin.

Or you do without the Lord. Two days ago I was in a funk, sitting on my bedroom floor feeling paralyzed and questioning everything. But today, I am walking, talking and breathing out hope. I am looking at a place to live tonight, being effective in my work and really writing like crazy.

What's the difference? What's the secret formula? How do you go about that kind of change? (I can hear you asking, haha.)

I spent the time in prayer and sought godly counsel. That's it, truly. I am blessed at this point in my life to go to prayer meetings four times a week--it's the off season for teachers and I am being paid at this time to basically seek the Lord. Boy, do I love it. I feel like He is using this season to restore my soul in a way that is desperately needed after my incredibly busy season last year. And I so value and treasure this time of resting and waiting on Him. He's answering my prayers and building a testimony and when the next season comes, I'll be able to hit the ground running and move in Him.

I urge you to just come into an awareness of your season. In mine, at first I wanted to work really, really hard and had created a schedule for myself. It looked REALLY good and productive on paper. Robin likes that. That's not how life with God works--Robin had to adjust her expectations. When I finally asked Him what this season looked like, He said it was a time to rest and wait, because in the next one I would hit the ground running. He had me join a prayer group for my strength, not work as much as a volunteer as I'd like and guess what? I sleep in ALL the time--which I have not done for what seems like years.

You have to know your season. I urge you, take a few moments and ask Holy Spirit what He knows about the season you're in. You'll be surprised. He'll speak and make it clear. Then, take advantage of that season. If its rest, live it to the hilt. If its attack, going after what you've always dreamed of, keep leaning into Him for the wisdom to move forward joyfully and in all of His good timing. If its time to let go of dreams to focus on family, take that detour--be with and love them. If He's asking you to sow into people or a ministry or make a really big job change (maybe some transition) enjoy it.

It's there for you to enjoy, not to stress over. Don't be like me two days ago, stuck in my doubts and afraid. Be like me today, going after what He has placed in me and knowing that I have prayed through all the details and found His reassurance. He wants to reach us, He wants to heal us, He wants to love us and He wants to see us through. Trust Him in ALL of that!

Living in a "Drought'

I hope I can help us do a little remembering where we are, wherever we find our hearts.

There are impossibilities we face as those who follow our King. Obstacles which loom large, mountains we must overcome, dreams yet untasted…too many fall short, look at the disappointment and speak against their own hearts, effectively cutting off what the Lord may want to do through the difficulty. We proclaim our demise before it ever has come to be—for the only true failure is death and even that has been conquered by the Son of Man—and we decide to abandon that which has not even taken it’s last breath yet.

We give in far too easily.

This is a call to come alive again, to dig deep down in the midst of the shattered pieces of your heart—the barbs may cut, the wounds, they do go deep—and begin to cry out again. Put on your tongue the Words Jesus has spoken over you. Many have come from human sources, many more have come from His beautiful Word to His people, the Bible. Wherever you are, start to proclaim truth, life and hope in the form of declarations of His love and provision into the areas of your life which you thought were dead and without hope—He wants to bring a garden to bear there.

It’s a new day.

Your last few seasons, where you have been the last few years, may seem dry and desolate—some would say dead. You can’t see how a garden would ever come to bear a crop here. I say, “Look again!” This is my promise for the next season, after the terrible dryness that hung like clouds of dust in my soul. He may give you your own promise as you look through His Word but in the meantime, borrow mine and proclaim it over whatever the enemy told you was dead and gone. Know that the Lord is certainly not done with you yet and that every Word He sends out will come to bear fruit in His time, as you look into His face. Let His work be done on your life as you cry out for it, continually seeking Him through the night season until you see the break of day.

For the Lord comforts Zion [Robin];

He comforts all her waste places

And makes her wilderness like Eden,

Her desert like the garden of the Lord;

Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song.

Isaiah 52:3

My desert will bloom, for He will do the work. It is no longer I but Christ who lives in me and He is the promise of hope, the ultimate promise of a dream fulfilled: the one where death dies. When a resurrected man stands in your camp, you can no longer proclaim “death”. So I call you, church of California, to stop proclaiming “drought” over the land that the Lord has brought under your care. If the risen Savior stands with you, intercedes with you, dreams over you, you cannot proclaim death as your lot anylonger. Begin to seek Him earnestly and ask what He longs to see done in this nation, starting here, in California, this beautiful state. Then, once you have heard living words from Him, begin to proclaim them and not the word of the world. We are called to be a peculiar people. Begin now. Seek His face while it may be found and CRY OUT for rain!!!

A few more pictures of Yosemite just four years ago, before we started crying out 'Drought!' He can restore...

#newreality

I am writing this from a new reality.

No, I haven’t found the gap in space/time and pushed through it (ahha). Rather, the old has fallen away and a new season comes to take its place.

And believe me, I have been waiting, I have been praying, I have been longing for this season when He and I get to move forward together into all that He has taken those months of waiting and praying and hoping to prepare. Ask me what it looks like and I’ll tell you that I have no clue. But I also have peace and assurance, because this Lord who I have given my life to is good, undoubtedly, overwhelmingly good. And I know what He has been doing in me and causing to come out of me and it is good. And I know that this season will be different and so good from all the rest and able to move me further because I have a secret, a new one which launches me forth into more life and possibility (a new reality!) than any other. Want to hear it? Want to know the hope that changes the whole world (me included)? Here it is: I have died.

See, I always tried to do ministry out of self-striving, my own strength, my abilities and I failed pretty regularly, probably daily if I’m being honest. There was nothing filling me up besides myself and that, I tell you, is not enough to change the world. It’s not even enough to change me or be enough for me. More than anything, my claimed ‘self-sufficiency’ held me back from everything I longed to be.

And I write this not because I finally have it all figured out (God is definitely still at work peeling back the layers in the onion-heart of me) or that it all suddenly clicked in the last day or so, but because I feel that all I have been learning about letting who I am and my works go and stepping into obedience to Him and following where He leads are finally locking together and giving me wings—all the moving parts coming together organically to launch me into who-knows-what with absolute hope.

Because when I start flying now (as Robins are made to do) His wind will be under my wings.

Because the joy that fills in and flows over me as I get ready to launch is pretty fantastic and only to be shared.

Because this journey of becoming One of His Own is not just my own—I believe there are thousands of us out there, just on the verge of being launched.

That the Lord is birthing forth dreamers, doers, Kingdom Advancers in only the beginning of a Great Awakening that will astonish all those who witness.

Because we’re no longer here for us, or what can even be done in us, but for Him and that simple, tiny mindset change releases the Lord and His Word in ways we won’t even be able to fathom, until we’re behind them or in the midst of them and we look around and realize, “He’s doing it. What He always said He would do is happening, right in front of me.” And it’ll cause us to just revel and take delight in Him even more.

I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait! Lord, Jesus, come have your way! Meet us in the middle of wherever we are and begin the dance that moves thousands, hundreds of thousands to you.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God.”

Galatians 2:20

#newreality

My Little Bit of Folly or "Notes on Resigning"

It’s that tired time of night where your mind wanders—and I want to find out where my thoughts have gone to…

I’m finally able to think outside myself for the first time in ages. I was so trapped by my own stress and anxiety that I was constantly over-thinking, trying to analyze every possible area of my life and realizing they all came up short and giving myself a total…well, it was bad…

I’ve realized something in resigning…freedom. Not to do as I want—that has never been my style, never will be. I don’t give up. But knowing that you have done your best, for whatever reason it hasn’t been seen and it’s time to move on. It’s not even anyone’s fault, it just happened. You knew—and deep down, they knew too—that it was time to see what tomorrow brought. It was time to give up control, trying to fix things and let whatever happens, happen. You get to live. You get to be free—that’s what you have permission to do, as one of God’s own. No, you can’t control all the outcomes and no, you can’t see around the corner and no, you don’t control your own destiny but BE GLAD! He does…

And He—holy, righteous, just and true—will see you through to the end. That’s as much a part of His character as anything else and whatever He ever is, He is all in, all the time. There is literally not a shadow of change to be glimpsed in Him.

I think that’s part of what I love most about God—the infinity of Him, the fact that if He has been a certain way, He will continue to be that way forever, no matter what happens. We can’t outsmart Him or surprise Him or fool Him—don’t even try. We can reflect Him—and I hope that is shown in my life. In all my horrible inconsistencies, I hope that I can reflect a little bit of Him—His joy, truth, passion…that in all my shortcomings, He would rush in and get the glory and see me for who I am and still love me.

That’s all I want—isn’t that all anyone wants?

VICTORY DANCE

"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men! Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks! Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle. But you shall be a miracle." (Phillip Brooks)

Jesus...you've been at work in me a long time. This is my victory dance!

After church the other day, the Lord was talking with me. Just out of nowhere as I got into the car He said, "I like doing miracles. Will you be my miracle?" I just laughed out loud--the week before had been hell (too much isolation and I don't know what all!) and I had school the next morning for the first time in three weeks...it was just a funny moment to be asked to be a miracle. But, of course, I said, "Yes" and the fruit of my life since that moment (it's been four days) is just incredible...

And of course, this miracle has been in process for who knows how many years--well, I do know. Three. I wrote a blog almost three years ago when I started going through the first really hard trial (it involved a boy...and him dating another girl) and the Lord comforted me then...let me know that three years from then the ache would be healed, it was worth hoping...

And He has done all that He promised. Obviously I'm not married--not even aware of anyone that I should start dating--but that doesn't matter as much. It just doesn't. I trust my Lord so much-especially in this part of my life where I am so vulnerable and He knows the weight of it and knows what He wants to do--that I refuse to be like the world around me, overly obsessed with what may happen and who they're going to have their next crush on. I've seen His timing too often. I know He's good. He's going to love me through.

The second part of this quote by Phillips Brook that I had never seen before and am now living in the joy of:

"Every day you shall wonder at yourself, at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God."

I am His miracle!

You Shall Love Me

It's been a long week...well, to be truthful, a long year :)

Everything is ready for next year--but none of it is within my sights. Strange place to be...

When the course of your life is set by your Creator, but you, the human, have no idea, it becomes a dance of sorts, your whole life a dance. That's often how I see Jesus and myself--dancing.

It's close, it's interactive, it's give-and-take--you searching out this other person as they move and respond with you. I want to say, I often don't do a very attractive dance. I wind up spinning off in the wrong direction, forgetting the dance steps or squashing His toes. I've often been seen racing off into the dark when the dance floor is clearly lit up and waiting. I squander my time, playing in the sand when I should be learning the steps of the dance.

In truth, I am an awful dancer, the most uncoordinated of any group. I actually took quite a few dance classes/exercise classes involving dance and it was pitiful! Even the simplest steps could elude me--I would waltz my way tragically through the course...I could learn a dance--eventually. I just had to stumble through the first round, go back and see it taught again and voila! after a bit of practice, I could find my way...

But the time, you must put the time in...it's going to be a struggle, perhaps a bore for those watching you not get it (your classmates) and it takes perseverance. It takes setting your mind to it. All of life is a dance.

I come from a long line of self-defeatists, for whatever reason. Struggle becomes a reason to muddle through life, not the power behind you to overcome. I could have learned that, almost learned that. But instead, the Lord had a different plan, a redemption to be made even of my uncouth family--we do not have to stay the same. What our fathers carried and claimed as normal can be laid down in our lifetimes so that we can skip forward, happy and FREE! I am my father's daughter, but I am not his burden bearer--for I have turned to another One! It really began in high school, this learning to carry my cross instead of giving up and admitting defeat. I took a Calculus class (shudder with me) and found that for once in my life, my brain failed me. I simply could not grasp the concepts with the ease and pizazz that I had been capable of at any other time in my studies. It was the strangest feeling, failing that class...

But I didn't fail, I persevered. I cried through homework, got a tutor and received a 3/5 on the AP Calculus test--which earned me four units of college credit, not bad! It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but also the most rewarding.

Enter river guiding, Hebrew, student teaching in a self-contained 6th-8th grade classroom--perseverance has been my gift and like any truly good gift, I have had to struggle through it. Nothing has been easy, not for years now. I can't even remember what it feels like to really relax and know that nothing bad is going to happen--because it just does. This is not my pity party, just my weary truth--I get tired of waiting--and for what, I don't know!

So, the dance--ever continuing, ever beautiful, ever painful, ever close...the gift in your suffering (for some say all suffering is alone, no other human can understand the pain you go through or how you experience it), the anguish--it has brought you a closeness with God that you could not have imagined, dreamed or even longed for before. I'm so tired of all of this--my heart cries out sometimes--and then the moments become reframed: I'm close to you in this, says the only One who can understand. See, we don't get healed, except by His wounds. And we can't love someone--truly, in an empathetic, other-comforting way--unless we know what they have gone through, their pain has been real to us. So I don't know what the Lord will do with my life--some days it looks like nothing!--but I do know He loves. And He brings redemption--and He sees pain.

And that's all I need.

"I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me

He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me...

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed

He had arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding...

He said to me, 'You shall love me, You shall love me, 

You shall love me, you shall love me..."

--Misty Edwards, Arms Wide Open

This is Really Long--Don't Read It Unless You Want to Believe in the Change Jesus Brings! :P

"As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God. When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a harvest of sinful deeds, resulting in death. But now we have been released from the law, for we died to it and and are no longer captive to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way by obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living by the Spirit." 
(Romans 7:4b-6)

 Excuse me for a moment whilst I process my year...

Twenty-four--that was not a year I missed saying farewell too...it seemed to all go on forever with no hope in sight. I think I learned, as Abraham had to, to trust in God's promises even when there seemed no end in sight...no land to journey to, no son to see grow up, no dream blossoming...

Endurance produces...what was that again? Hope? Ha. How I learned the truth of that extraordinary statement. I think I'm realizing evermore that so much of our lives must be lived out supernaturally, supremely apart from what we realize/think we are able to do. This new life of the Spirit--a completely new way of living--is really the way we must go if we want to have anything to do with Jesus and His kingdom. Because its all--backwards and not upside down, but illogical: gaining hope from being in a place of despair; forgiving when there is no earthly reason to; believing in resurrection for ourselves, these old bodies--it's all ludicrous in the best possible sense of the word. Love especially--love, especially, is a most insane, unimaginable concept. No, not romantic love that everyone is obsessed with--but that ability to continue to hope in and long for someone who completely shuns you again and again. Reaching out to that person over and over even while they reject you...that's love.

Isn't that insane?

But that's what Jesus is, that's what He offers. To every person that could possibly ever choose to follow Him (and that's all of us) He extends His love, His forgiveness, His very life--and He asks us to do the same.

It is insane--because if you try to do this--really love someone despite how they treat you--you will end up in abusive, co-dependent, broken relationships...and no one wants that! So no one loves that way--or do they?

See the trick is--the catch, the gist of it all, the way I have learned from my own Father--this centerpiece of all that encompasses a life giving away to Christ--is that we don't do the loving.

Hear it again--it's not your job to do the loving.

Well, God is love and if we know God then we know love and if you don't have love then you don't have love, so I have to muster up the love for this other person, right?

Wrong.

We love because He first loved us.

This is love, not that we loved God but that He first loved us and sent His Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us. 

Can we just live here for a moment? Catch that last verse from 1 John--as we love one another, God dwells, abides, lives it out through us and that love (which came from Him in the first place!) gets perfected in us.

I've needed to hear this every day of my life and live here and I will die here--waiting for God to come and fill up my life so that I quit scrounging and trying to show enough love...finally believing in the fullest sense that Jesus came not to perfect me, but to love through me and the change of me becoming more and more like His Son suddenly gets wrought as I go about the ordinary task of loving Him alone by loving all those around me as He lives through me. 

I'm sure I'm off theologically at some point in the middle of this vast understanding that I am trying to pinpoint into a few words. Beloved, forgive me for it and move on.  Just realize for a moment with me the grace that this Pharisee-ical little girl has learned and be in awe of the God who would take the time to wrought that change. I am not the same--all my perfecting and needing others around me to perform has slowly died away in the flame of being broken enough to just know Him. He loved me in the middle of my mess, when I had absolutely nothing to offer--and I will spend my whole life learning how to live out a life filled with a love like that--a life leaning into my Father's arms and feeding others out of the abundance of that embrace. 

It's amazing the little places you'll go to--and the things that the Lord will teach you there. The endurance, hope, love--they don't get learned on the big stage when you're feeling really important. The hope of your life, the truth of it and who the Lord is creating you to be--they come out of small moments, lived in the presence of family and friends, completely mundane and totally treasured. Don't be ashamed or deride the big stage and shiny lights--but live your life not around those edges but in a way which proclaims that even if those things were never available to you, you know that your life is good, worth living, full of Him. 

That's what I learned this year--the hope when everything is failing comes because of the strength I find in Him, the joy in the midst of pain is present because He abides with me, I can keep climbing up this mountain, painful as it may be, because He's offering His hand to me. I don't have a lot at this point in my life, but all I have finds its origin in Him and that makes it exceedingly worth more than all the riches I could recieve. And given the choice, He knows what I'd choose.

A friend made the comment when I was talking over a bit of my year, "You're in missionary training." I laughed a little, but only because its true. I don't think even I will understand the gifts He's placed in me by teaching me how to live out through this year.

Because I wanted to run and cry and quit--so many times. I couldn't. I had no options--I had to face the reality of my life as it came and be honest about it and keep moving forward even when everything in me wanted to leave. To be honest, I screwed up a lot. Hurt people. Would have left had I had any options. But He stayed me, rescued me time and time again, practiced forgiveness through me, taught me to be an intercessor, changed me, ransomed me from the dead and restored me. Who I am now is stronger, more hopeful than who I was when I began twenty-four.

I wouldn't live those years again if you paid me (or did anything for me! ha!) but I would never trade the character, endurance, presence... 
 
"Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ." 
(1 Corinthians 1:7)

It's weird--I've never read this verse before, to my knowledge. But running across it this morning, the truth of it stuck in me--I have everything I could ever possibly need for every day ahead because of the access I have to Jesus and the truth of what He--the ever faithful one--is doing in me. I've only had a taste of the glory which is to come--and it only makes me thirst that much more.  

like this song by Brooke Fraser says:

if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
i can only conclude that I was not made for here...

"He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on that day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns." 
(I Corinthians 1:8)

There's something about the steadfast grace of God that keeps me running forward, with such hope! It makes me think of a vision I had once of me and my future husband (wherever you are!!!). We were running forward with all the strength we had, each of us with a hand in Jesus'...there was such joy in the exchange--I never even saw who it was on the other side of Jesus (I really didn't want to, yet) but I knew that our lives were about staying close to each other through our life in Jesus and He was the One propelling us forward. That no matter what came, He would link us together, enable us to keep running forward, joy and hope in our faces no matter the circumstances. Himself--so present with us...even in the middle of this terrible season, I somehow knew, deep in me past what anyone could say/convince me of, no matter how they spoke despair, no matter how stagnant it got--I just knew He was faithful--and it enabled me to keep going.

The dark night...all I had at times was a heart still burning for Him--and it was enough.

"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit." 
(Romans 8:5)

I think for some reason this verse became alive in a different way through this year--somehow or other I had always missed--or maybe hadn't had to live on close proximity with--people who were so willing to live in darkness, be dominated by what was controlling them and not see the harm it was doing. I learned compassion and forgiveness in a big way by seeing people through this--just being so aware that the reason they acted the way they did was almost not a conscious thing on their part--they didn't mean to damage you so bluntly, knife thrusts of words--they just didn't know any other way. So you had to learn not to be dead toward them, but to keep peeling back your pain and disappointment and see them anew each day. It's still a struggle for me--loving in spite of the pain they cause--but as I said earlier, Jesus' love has been shown to me so new...and I mean, just recently.  There's a newness in me, a profound declaration wrought by the pain that the Lord is completely pleased with me as I do my best, working out of His supernatural love, to extend love to the broken. It becomes such a beautiful thing--and they often have no idea how to respond--but its not about them and me anymore--its about what Jesus wants to show off through His kids--and that's His love! He wants Himself, His beautiful character of seeing beauty in the pain and calling forth hope out of brokenness to become a part of all we do. I for one am jumping on board.

"God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." 
(I Corinthians 1:9) 

 I mean, partnership with Jesus (perfect words for what it is) who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want the nearness, the darling blessedness of being one of His own and operating in His love? No more striving on my part to become all I was made to be, crying out of fear, "Use me, God!" lest He forget about me and all I did turned out to not be enough for Him. No, I have learned a new way, a reliance on His tender care and a darling hope into all of His promises--because a promise, unlike a contract, cannot be broken (read Romans 4 in the Message--it'll change your life!). I live in the risky faith embrace of trusting in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself--for me. I don't count His grace as something which is to be taken lightly--its what saved me, sustains me and will bring me into my forevermore. He's faithful for that!

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the point: you died to the power of the law when you died with Christ. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead." 
(Romans 7:4a)

A re-uniting...no, no, just a uniting--what you never had before because of sin becomes fully yours, fully possible because of what Jesus did for us. This year I proclaim His faithfulness, His power to release us from the grave, His utter ability to show up in whatever you called "dead" in your life and bring full life, better life than you could ever have proclaimed over it, to come springing up like a well-tended vine. It's all Him in you, no mustering up or being enough--but relaxing into what He is doing in the world and simply choosing to meet with Him there. Its such a more graceful way of life, its truly life--its what He has for you! Just seek...

"The message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God." 
(I Corinthians 1:18)

There was a moment, on the eve of my 25th birthday, when I lost it all. I mourned what had been, all the destruction, despair and hopelessness that had filled the year that was now behind me. I wailed, crying like I don't think I've ever cried, because this past year was just so hard to live through. Words can't describe and so that night the groans that Romans 8 talks about came out--deep anguish over what was lost, a grieving.

"And Christ lives within you so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God. The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead,  he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." 
(Romans 8:10-11)

I woke up the next morning and the love of God--which I had been crying out for, longing for, had a desprate need for--because I knew that I did not have within myself the capacity to love as He did, did not even know how to go about loving in this way that He commanded all throughout 1 John 4--suddenly it was there. I was just wrapped up in the love of God in a way that cannot make sense unless you have known that full assurance, peace--I suddenly knew beyond doubt that I had all I needed, the full depths of who He was, like in a way that's past knowing. It was just a part of who I was (am) now.

"So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the worlds brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish." 
(I Corinthians 1:20)

It was something new in me--God blessing and filling me up and reminding me that He is very present, ever present on the Earth--and that as I seek I will find, all I need is in Him, that even the worst that I can do will be covered by this love and that should I seek Him my whole life I will never come to the end of the goodness that is Him, all that he longs to pour out into me and through me. Like a good friend said last night, "We're not a pond, we're a hose." All that He is can flow out of my life and bless others as I rest and abide in Him allowing Him to reach out through me. It's good...and it won't make sense to anyone unless they are in Him! And He invites us into all that goodness, no matter where we are!

"So God did what the law could not do. He sent His own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sins control over us by giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins." 
(Romans 8:3b)

25 is a new year--beyond reaching a pivotal birthday into realizing that I can face anything from this point forward and it will be cake. I have hit and lived through the worst that a life can offer you. Jesus has shown up solid and become such a deep part of who I am that to separate would be to take the very life away from me--and you just can't do that! He rose from the dead--and so will I! It's bizarre how far this year has taken me--and I haven't traveled more than 8 hours from my home at any period during this time...

"But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength." 
(I Corinthians 1:24-25)

Mexico was like a culmination of all that year--a chance to stretch my wings and realize that the cage I had been living in for so long was starting to rattle--God was on His way, up to something, whispering on the wind. I'm stretching my wings, dreaming, anticipating, so fully hoping in the God who has taken a little bird who might have always claimed she was only a songbird and declaring over her life that she is an eagle, she has great strength, that what she carries changes atmospheres, people's life directions, hope--she just brings it, a result of a deep connection and abiding in the Father who speaks such strength and grace into all His children. She will be His beauty on display in a way most people have never seen--and don't be afraid of it! Lean in ever closer, and carry my heart, O my daughter.

"Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God." 
(Romans 8:13-14)

I will do whatever I will do, says the Lord, it matters not what you think I'm capable of or what you think I'm up to. I am the one who moves and breathes and gives life--the very life of the world. Any of you aligned with Jesus and living out this life in His life have no idea what you are in for! This life changed the world, gave wind to sweep under your wings (Holy Spirit) and went through (is still going through) the whole world. Do you think that has ended? Do you think that it could ever end?
Jump in--no telling what we'll see, only sure thing: Jesus is King and He does as He pleases.  
What hope!!!

"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." 
(I Corinthians 1:26-29)

I am so aware of how incapable I am--but monstrously absorbed in the fact that God can do as He likes through a life laid down. This is powerful, wholesome, stake-your-life-on-it truth...may it be the truth that changes your world as you walk through this life with Him, fully aware of His grace and how much hope He longs to bring into this broken world. If He can make me, in the middle of all my unknown circumstances and whatevers!!! trust--the one who used to be so fear-filled and worry haunted--if He can break me down enough to believe and fully walk in all He has for me--just think of what He can do in you! Never put the limits on Him--practice letting go! Letting go is having an insignificant faith--a faith that lays down all it has ever believed about what we think He can do and then laid down all that we think He should do in us or others and just chosen to have our vision expanded, our love (and ability) to love change and has been set free into believing that anything is possible and Jesus is at work everywhere. Do you live that way? Does your life proclaim an effortless, totally able God? Expand your vision of yourself, those around you and the Lord you serve! And if you have gone through utter brokenness--as I have this year--rejoice in it, for you know He is in the middle of it!

I was in Yosemite last Tuesday, reveling in sunshine, flowers and the delight of knowing my God. I went (for the first time in I don't know how many visits to Yosemite) into the little chapel on the valley floor and just had a moment of thankfulness and praise before the Lord. He has made my life come alight even in the middle of the crazy that was this year--I was even sitting in a pool of sunshine in that little chapel--and I know that that will continue to be the reality of my life in Him. No matter what we may be going through, we live our lives out in the sunshine of His love. That's where all this beautiful life comes through...

New Vision

I just love this book, The Meaning of Marriage. I don't do this (too) often...but today all I want to do is absorb this bit of wisdom from Timothy Keller and his wife:

     "My wife, Kathy, often says that most people, when they are looking for a spouse, are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. Not so you can create the kind of person you want, but rather because you see what kind of person Jesus is making. When Michelangelo was asked how he carved his magnificent David, his reply is reputed to have been, 'I looked inside the marble and just took away the bits that weren't David.' When looking for a marriage partner, each must be able to look inside the other and see what God is doing and be excited about being part of the process of liberating the 'new you.'

'If we let Him...He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less.' (quoted from C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, 174-5

     "This is by no means a romanticized approach--rather it is brutally realistic. In this view of marriage, each person says to the other, 'I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, dependencies. But underneath them all I see growing the person God wants you to be.' This is radically different from the search for 'compatibility'. As we have seen, researchers have discovered that this term means we are looking for a partner who accepts us just as we are. This is the very opposite of that! The search for an ideal mate is a hopeless quest. This is also a radically different approach from the cynical or cold method of finding a spouse who can just deliver social status, financial security or great sex.
     "If you don't see your mate's deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you're not even in the game. But if you don't get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren't tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be.
     "When two Christians who fully understand this stand before the minister all decked out in thier wedding finery, they realize that they're not just playing dress-up. What they're saying is that someday they are going to be standing not before the minister but before the Lord. And they will turn to see each other without spot or blemish. And they hope to hear God say, 'Well done, good and faithful servants. Over the years you have lifted one another up to me. You sacrificed for one another. You held one another up with prayer and thanksgiving. You confronted each other. You rebuked each other. You hugged and you loved each other and continually pushed each other toward me. And now look at you. You're radiant." (133-4)

I have a new vision for all that this could be...glad to live with the God who is constantly changing my mind and my perception of the world.

Yeah, I'm Just Going to Write a Book :)

I'm in the middle of what tons of people have done--haha! Just as hundreds of people have written a blog (teehee, I knew that from the beginning!) so tons of people, all down the ages have written books--which, by the way, I'm gonna do. :)

The reasons in case you ever asked (and given sometimes when you don't want to know):

Because sometimes you can't help but write (as this silly blog has testified over and over--I can't keep away).

Because I feel joy in me again when I write--and I want to bring that joy to the world and I need joy.

Because sometimes you just have to write--its a fire burning in you (this is prophecy being fulfilled by the way!)

Because I have a voice and it is worth hearing and more than that if God has one person who can be filled with a little hope (in a world so bent on darkness and destruction) I will write to them. They are worth giving hope to and I don't care what it may cost me, I will do as He asks of me for His people.

Hope is worth giving.

I don't have all the answers and I don't know the future--so I will just keep working, moving forward and seeking out my God--may He move through me, because if He doesn't, I don't see it as a task worth completing...but if He fills it, oh the joy!

Because no one needs to hear from me--but everyone needs to hear from Him!

It won't be easy--but I'm His! Please pray for me and this undertaking when you think of me :)

Frederick Buechner Got it Right...Again

God has me on a journey, amen? He has you on one too, whether you're aware of it or not :)

Lately I've been learning my absolute dependence on the Lord, that my status with Him never changes no matter what I am or am not doing (thinking especially of recent unemployment and ensuing struggle) and that He is enough. Everything left, you know? I had been depending on and looking to a lot of things--money, having a job, being independent, going to the mission field--and God has done some purifying...at times it has been difficult, but I have chosen not to shrink back. When all the doors close, it makes you start looking for new direction--and sometimes all He wants is just to spend some quality time with Him, looking into His face and asking questions and getting familiar with Him and His voice. I've been praying a lot and just being with Him in this season--and I've come to a place where its all I want to do. I would take a job that He set in front of me, if it was given with His blessing and guiding, but that's no longer my focus. I just want to see His face and have the glory of His Presence shine down around me--you know?

I feel that these few paragraphs from Frederick Buechner sum up all I've been learning from the Lord recently--well, actually throughout my whole life and especially in the last few months the lesson has really come home to my heart and made its home there. May these words bless you as they've blessed me and helped me see the reality of this God who loves me despite all my faults, the ways I'll fail Him and my crazy heart in need of renewal--He's good!

A little bit of context: in this section of the book Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy and Fairy Tale Buechner approaches the parable of the prodigal son (and the other true stories of the Bible) as the joke of God which only a few get:

     "Is it possible, I wonder, to say that it is only when you hear the Gospel as a wild and marvelous joke that you really hear it at all? Heard as anything else, the Gospel is the church's thing, the preacher's thing, the lecturer's thing. Heard as a joke--high and unbidden and ringing with laughter--it can only be God's thing.
     "And if it is a joke about the preposterousness of God, it is also a joke about the preposterousness of man as the sequel to the parable exemplifies. The word sin is somehow too grand a word to apply to the reaction of the prodigal's elder brother when the sound of the hoedown reaches him out in the pasture among the cow flops, and yet in another way it is just the right word because nowhere is the deadliness of all seven of the deadly sins deadlier or more ludicrous than it is in him. Envy and pride and anger and covetousness, they are all there. Even sloth is there as he sits on his patrimony and lets it gain interest for him without lifting a hand, even lust as he slavers over the harlots whom he he points out the prodigal has squandered his cash on. The elder brother is Pecksniff. He is Tartuffe. He is what Mark Twain called a good man in the worst sense of the word. He is a caricature of all that is joyless and petty and self-serving about all of us. The joke of it is that of course his father loves him even so, and has always loved him and will always love him, only the elder brother never noticed it because it was never love he was bucking for but only his due. The fatted calf, the best Scotch, the hoedown could all have been his, too, any time he asked for them except that he never thought to ask for them because he was too busy trying cheerlessly and religiously to earn them. 'The blind receive their sight, the lame walk, the deaf hear, the dead are raised up' even as the prodigal himself was raised up, Jesus says, 'and blessed is he who takes no offense at me' (Matt. 11:5-6). Blessed is he who is not offended that no man receives what he deserves but vastly more. Blessed is he who gets that joke, who sees that miracle."(pgs. 68-69)

Are you getting it in your own life? Take joy! Your Father has given you the Kingdom!

I relate to this passage so well because as a Christian at first I was totally of this mindset: trying to earn my way into the kingdom, too afraid to try for love because I didn't even realize it was what I was missing. I've been on a big journey--still am--to learn to love those around me and see them the way they are--worthy and beloved of God, destined to know Him well if they so chose. I grew up in the church and I was very good at following the moral rules and doing what was right in man's eyes--my salvation was something I was earning (how preposterous!!! seen from my new vantage point). Then I grew up and learned how little and completely unable I was (enter Haiti) but God still loved me in the midst of that breaking down and showed me how He is able--He is at work and faithful in this wacky world from which we live. I was never the same after that season! but I still had to unlearn (and am unlearning and will always unlearn) my elder brother mindset--thank God for His grace. He took my fears and taught me to search out His love--O! the Glory!

I'm so grateful for where He has me and how He chooses to be good to me--it's beyond what I could have hoped, asked or imagined--but that's just how good He is. Find out the ways He's working in your life and thank Him today. He is good to us.

Be the Real Thing Because No One Else Can Show the World Jesus the Way You Do

Do you know why I hate warped Christianity? Because the real thing is so good and so healing and the fake...it just misses it all, all of the grace, freedom, joy, vulnerability, love, holiness that was meant to be a part of all that we are...hmmmm...

Glee has a new "character"--a Teen Jesus who has named each of his dreads after a book of the Bible, was home schooled forever (and only went to school after he realized his best friend was his mom) and has a dad who is a door to door Bible salesman. Yeah, he's ridiculous.

I hadn't watched Glee in a while but I did watch the Glee Project which was on during the summer and I knew who they were trying to copy in this "Teen Jesus" character. He was a guy named Cameron, a good guy, the kind of guy you'd want in the jungle with you because you knew he'd protect you and honor you and help you laugh through the hard times and the uncertainty. Part of the reason (and eventually it was the only reason) that I watched the Glee Project was Cameron. He was a genuine Christian living his life out before and with the kids on this show. He brought an element to the show that was so grace filled and genuine--when they had to do the "vulnerable" show, he found it hard to find something to be vulnerable about because all his cards were already out on the table.

Eventually Cameron chose to leave the show--he had a girlfriend at home and it was tearing him up to be asked again and again to make out with girls who were not his girl (I know right, so dreamy!!! haha) He chose to leave and was very honest with why and that made the director want him even more--but he really was done and everyone repsected him for it. I stopped watching the show after that. All I had really cared about was Cameron and if he was done, so was I.

Fast forward to last night when I was just messing around and trying to entertain myself. I turned on Glee, the Hearts episode done for Valentine's Day. It was lame...and then we skipped to the "God Squad" meeting where they introduced a new member. It was one of the guys who had been a contendor on the Glee Project and won! (I guess) He was the Teen Jesus that the director had been excited to put on the show...he had told Cameron (not the guy who won the Glee Project, but the one who chose to leave) that he had never had a Christian character and wanted to create one...well, he did...but he's using the wrong kid and it's so flat and wrong and lame! I just had to turn it off, because I knew what they were trying to copy (Cameron--and my life!) and they were so far...

Because genuineness can't be faked...and love is the real deal...and you can have all the trappings of being a Christian (according to the world: which is apparently naming dreads after Bible books and being homeschooled) and be so far...

I guess this blog is about hope and joy and being so proud of who I am. Jesus isn't about what fits in your life or doesn't but something much more special, a change from the inside out. I am so blessed to be in His arms and know His love and have the chance and beauty and strength within me to share Him with the world. I am so thankful for the inside out way that God works and the hope He brings and the way He fills your life with power. We have been given everything we need to live godly lives that please our Daddy. I for one am so grateful...

And over nad over again we will run into the counterfiet as we see the world try to copy what we have. But you can't fake being a Christian--and the life and source of a Christian is something which only heaven knows. We are a special people...

I pray that you would let your light shine before men, that you would honor your heavenly Father. Let's be like Cameron...let's be like Jesus.

Here's a clip of Cameron. He's awesome: Cameron talking to Alex

Summer Has Come...

It's one of those nights...one where you just kind of are in this mood where you want to be alone and kind of think thoughts that are a little melancholy...you just want to reflect and be quiet.

I'm gonna write it all down...

My heart is racing...for no reason...its just what I'm thinking about and might share :) haha...I've grown a lot this year, so much. At times I thought it was because something was going to happen...and things did happen, but not the things I thought would happen...

The pastor at my parent's church just came back from Haiti. He saw sixty orphans living in chicken coops and we're going to build an orphanage for them. he started his sermon by asking who would trade their present circumstances for the biggest tent in Port-au-Prince. No one raised their hand (of course) but my mom whispered to me, "You would."

She knows me better than I let on...

She might even know me better than I know myself.

Oh I wonder...that boy...

And I let myself dream lately...of a man who has kind eyes and a steadiness that will keep me when all the rest is falling apart. I'm energetic and people loving enough for two people...I need someone with strength and endurance for the days I fall apart.

But its hard, you know? I'm twenty-two...most people have boyfriends about now, or the inklings of one (insert sad, sweet smile). Why am I different?

I had someone say, about a month before school ended, "You know, I was thinking, 'why doesn't Robin have a boyfriend? She's funny and smart and...and then I realized, there's no one cool enough for you."

That was heartening, in its own way. It's good to think back on. And I kind of know why I haven't had a boyfriend, etc. There's always been a set apartness about me...something that people can kind of sense, something that intimidates a lot of guys...and I'm glad for it. I've been protected by a Loving Father (you all know who I'm talking about).

I have to trust Him in this time. I have to let Him be in control and move my steps and help me wait...not easy...but good, so good I can almost taste it and it should make me sing for joy and exult in all you are, My Lord.

Not easy...but worth it.

And all those years I spent reading Elisabeth Elliot's book and praying that I wouldn't have it easy...well, living it out is something different altogether. I never knew my weaknesses before. But He can be strength...I just have to let Him.

I let Him be strength last night. I was driving home from a friends house and it was pouring rain. I'm a new driver and it was a 45 minute drive home and the storm did not relent. I was worried at times that I'd do something stupid and end up dead...but I held onto the wheel and kept praying.

"Jesus, help me get home safe. Jesus, be my strength. Jesus, let me stay on the road. Jesus, be my eyes, help me see..."

And shouldn't that always be how we pray? Shouldn't I always realize that I don't have what it takes, I need help and direction from a God is more than able to supply my needs and knows the path before me? Shouldn't I?

I was glad to go to that friends house. She and I have only known each other through this year--she was totally put into my life by God--and we have helped each other walk through very similar situations this year. Even last night, as we talked, I was amazed at how she had grown. We both had these massive crushes on guys we thought were cute--the kind of crush that leaves your head feeling funny all day and makes you want to stay away from the guy and yet always be near him at the same time--at least, that's how it was for me. I did my best to avoid my crush and treated him different form every other person I knew--but it was all because I couldn't handle being near him!!! (So lame! Question: Is putting the facebook status, "If I'm careful with you does that mean I love you?" seem an appropriate status to put up? I didn't post it, but that's what I wanted to write today...thinking of him).

Anyway, I'm getting away from it all :)

The guys we had crushes on did not reciprocate completely. The guy I liked I think had feelings for me, but in the end I saw clearly how much our lives were going to diverge. I love the country of Haiti with all my heart (there's really nothing I can do about it!) and he loves another country and will end up there someday. He is a sweetheart, with a lot going for him...but I'm not an add-on, God has very specific things for me...I have to let go. I had to see--I'm not even sure what yet--but he asked another girl to the dance and I stayed home and scrapbooked about the year with friends (it made a wonderful mess in my lobby) and life goes on...I hope we stay friends, but my heart is not out there for the taking. This hurt too much and as much as it is in my power I am handing my love life over to my Creator and allowing Him to have His way. That's the only way that's going to work for me.

My friends had talked with the guy she liked all year and hung out with him too. They were friends...but she wondered if there was more. Yesterday was kind of a deciding day...she talked with him about a comment he'd amde on facebook (and this was an ackward conversation!!) and ascertained that if he really cared for her, he'd been given the chance to express it--with no dice! Life goes on...she was actually telling me last night that she felt content being single, which is huge for her! At the beginning of the year, I can remember sharing with her that I woudln't mind being single my whole life--and she told me that she really wanted a boyfriend, she just wanted to be a wife and mother. How the tables turned!!! We both went through these situations with bys and I popped out the other side really wanting a boyfriend, while she is learning to be content being single...what do you do with that? God is funny that way.

I have a page ripped from the beginning of the year which expresses perfectly what I had started to learn at the beginning of the school year (in the fall) and must now learn again. It's about contentment and having Christ as your only source, all you need (there's real strength in that):

"Getting used to loneliness.

Help me to accept this.

Change me, teach me how to cope, to use
my time wisely and glorify you in
the midst of this.

To learn to wait on God
to really wait for His leading
to trust

Go deep

it won't make sense to you, but it doesn't
have to"

Nothing deep, but Jesus, I need you now like I never have before. Help me not to be embarassed by m weakness, but reach out to you all the more and you will be all I need in these coming days and months. Like Liz, my good friend kept telling me, "You have been filled to overflowing with all the strength you need to endure."

I trust You, God, even when it doesn't make sense to me. Even when it hurts. Help me turn to You. I want to blossom again, a flower under your care. May better days be ahead...bright ones, filled with sunshine. It is summer after all! Help me leave behind my old habits of the heart, constantly searching in the shadows and living in secret hopes which did me no good. I want to be filled, bright, let the world with all its cobwebs fall away from me. Living in you, healed, clean...this is my desire.

Haiti...stretching out their hands to Jesus

Haitians surprise me every time!

After I wrote the last post, I ran into some videos about Haiti and a three day fast that went on their recently...I love to hear them sing--that's how I remember them best, singing in church...so to hear a whole city singing was something else altogether for me. Literally everything stopped in that country for three days while they had a time of fasting and prayer. Unbelievable, especially since this is the time of year when they should be having Carnival (which is the original Mardi Gras). Instead, they were seeking God...

My soul is at rest in God. It feels so weird to not have turmoil, but so good. I am ina place where I just trust Him and I trust His plans and His love for me.

They need teachers in Haiti! Lord, send me!

Oh, but I have so far to go...I must learn how to teach in English first and learn Haitian Creole...but...it feels like I'm on my way somewhere, and that is so good.

A group from my school will be traveling to Haiti this spring break. I went to one of their team meetings and was so blessed to be around them, to see the faces of people who will go to the country I love...May your love be so deeply in them that the Haitian people (or anyone they encounter) will feel that love and be transformed by it. You at work through your people--and probably in ways they never expected...

We love You, Lord. We love the way You work.

Check out these videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/kgroder#p/u/4/7mEeGgQRta4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ChGU5LgTSU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ex5UqAU33I

Okay and definitely watch the part in this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdXqguIA5Z8

where the Haitian (pastor?) speaks...so good!!! To hear from their mouths what God is doing and how they are turning to Him...wow...now words--God is bringing His new birth for them!!!

My Desperate Cry, God Move

I was reminded today of the deep love God has for me...

It's so easy to be so self condemning...I find myself picking at myself all day long and wondering why I am so bad at relationships...I just want to be able to connect with people on a really deep level and know their hearts--but this world...something about it makes it so difficult. You have to constantly know that person and know their heart, you have to keep it up and it's so easy to lose contact and then you feel like a failure for not having perfect relationships with everyone at all times--oh my gosh, it's so exhausting, even just thinking about it through the day...

I just want love to be seen so much in my relationships and shown through my actions and I feel like I fail so often--like my friend and I had a disconnect tonight over a movie because she cried a lot at it's ending and I didn't. It was a movie that showed how this couple poured all their love into this one crazy dog--and then he died. It showed them moving through the steps that accompany the American Dream--get married, get a good job, have 2.5 (in this case 3) kids and buy a big house in the country. I mean, that's great and I appreciate the accurate portrayl of a crazy dog and how difficult marriage can be--it was very well done--I just...

I just...love Haitians the way those people loved the dog. I want to do more in my life than live comfortably and give up some for a dog...

I've been reading/listening to Shane Claiborne and a lot of what he says makes so much sense to me...people are always moving out of the bad neighborhoods (like in this movie, it was part of the American Dream to get a job which earned more and move his family to a safer, more expensive neighborhood). But Shane has chosen to stay and establish good community in these places and form deep relationships and love people to the point where it probably hurts him every day--because people make bad choices (just like unruly dogs) and their choices have even great consequences, because they aren't these seperate pockets of humanity--we all affect each other deeply. Shane is living out the call of Jesus by staying in these neighborhoods and asking questions about why we got here--what is really going on to make people poor, dependent on welfare and selling drugs to stay alive--such good questions...it just resonates so much with me, because of Haiti...........I'm always wondering how I could possibly live so comfortably here when they have such a desperate struggle over there.........I mean, I ate for fun today and I exercise because it feels good and I get to worship and be clean and chat with friends and watch a dumb movie on this huge screen..........

I just can't think about it too much, maybe, because it just doesn't make sense and I don't have answers...I have to love myself right where I am, you know. I can't live with self loathing, it just doesn't help anyone. I pray, so desperately, that all the prayers I am praying aren't just words...let me truly go where you send, please God, don't let anything stop me--I couldn't stand it!!! It's just too much if I don't spend my life serving them--it's too much guilt? maybe...too much responsibility, to be given such a clear vision of what its like to be a Haitian and given such pure, unrelenting love and then to see none of your dreams come true because I stood in the way and my life ends up with me only loving a dog...oh, God, I am broken before You.

I am Yours and You are mine

My whole life is yours

I give it all surrendured to your name

and forever I will pray

Have your way

Have your way

That's the song playing on my iTunes right now, believe it or not...God knows my heart...move precious Savior. Let these not just be words.

Move precious Savior. Let not these be just words.

Move precious Savior. Let these be more than words...