The Ever-Changing Road...

I love how God is not bound by space or time and continues to move in and with us. I have heard multiple times from people praying about their future that, when they have one of two options, they just feel like the Lord is asking them to choose. He is a God who, strangely enough, lets us have free will. Sometimes we use that for evil, sometimes for good, but ultimately, our choices don’t faze Him and He moves with them.

I didn’t come to this realization quickly or even gracefully: I used to be stuck so far in the “this is God’s plan for your life, don’t move away from it” camp that it paralyzed me: I was desperately afraid of taking the wrong job, marrying the wrong person or in any other way deviating from the perfect plan God had for me. I imagined that my life and its direction would and could only come together if I had it exactly right. What a mess! What a lie!

Now I know that it all is much more fluid than I could have put together: that there are hints and clues we can tune in to all along the way that help guide us and give us direction, but that, ultimately, you don’t have to get this right. What seems right at one time can change in a moment, as others make their choices and life happens.

This came really clear to me when we were choosing our Ireland outreaches (the last part of our DTS, where we went out into the local community to do ministry). We were asked to pray about what location we should go to and at first, I was set on Dublin. I have never wanted to go there and know absolutely nothing about that city, but that was definitely the pull. I was also aware that I would probably be with Whitney; I felt that the Lord wanted me to be under her leadership again (we had worked together in the kitchen, making dinner every night).

As the hour went on before we were to hand in our slips with our choice for Ireland outreach, I remember feeling that I also could go to Formagne—if I ended up there, that would work just as well.

Well, I got assigned to go to Formagne (without writing it down on the slip I turned in to my leaders) and was kind of confused: why was Dublin so strong and then it changed to Formagne? It wasn’t until toward the end of my week long trip in Formagne that it all got put together: Whitney mentioned that she had been supposed to go to Dublin, but then they switched everything around just before we turned in our little slips of paper. So, God had directed me to Dublin to be with Whitney, but then, when that got switched around, He redirected me. I was hearing well…hmmm…

I am learning that the true key and the thing to be always doing and cultivating is this thing called ‘abiding’. Everything might turn around in a moment, depending on human choices and things going on in the world and just life: it’s a fluid, ever-in-flux kind of thing. I am not saying that our God is at all like this: His character and who He is are never changing, ever present. But this world, that which He created, was created with those who have a will of their own, for good or ill. It was quiet a choice to make, as a God, quite a risky choice—but I think it all shows just how powerful He is: that He could make that kind of risk, even choosing to love, for the sake of being—potentially—loved back.

Knowing that about my God makes me that much more willing to love Him—this love was never forced and is one that will never, ever stop pursuing me. That is quite a thing to know: it lets that much more freedom flow from me, from my life. It makes me want to come running to Him even more too: knowing just how free I am paradoxically makes me that much more willing and able to offer my life to Him again, wanting to tune in more and more: what are you up to good Daddy? How can I join you?

God is able to pull it all together mid-stream, as we fly: That’s how my school was put together. They started out with two leaders and one support staff for more than 20 students. As we went along, we gained three more support staff: enough to keep us going in India. It was an interesting progression and I know we are all grateful for those who jumped in mid-flight. They were the best!

And now, I feel a shift…one that’s not too large, but will be significant. As time gets closer, you’ll know more. I love the way the Lord works: though I don’t know every detail, in the past few years, He has clued me in to what is coming next and then (usually) how long that thing will last. Again, human choice in the middle of it all causes different shifts, so I hold all my plans loosely in love, but I have been blessed to know for about how long I’ll get to stay in a place. I knew two years ago that I would get a teaching job—though I had no prospects—and toward the beginning of that teaching year, I also knew that I would only be there for a year. I knew last January that a shift was coming and then knew it was a shift into missions in March. I knew that this step, into YWAM, was just a beginning, that everything would move really quickly from this initial school I just finished (the word was ‘acceleration’), I knew I would be back to Ireland…and I have an idea of how long He’ll keep me there.

And yet, in the middle of the big picture, always abiding—ready to move as He wills me.

It’s a good life, lived in Him.

The Radical Shift

I live so American.

That's so weird to write, but its so true. I have always dreamed of being overseas, I was just that weird kid who from the time she was a teenager looked around and was like, 'what?' I just did not understand the selfishness (though I recognize it in me), the disregard for others, the rebellion that all make up an average American teenager--who has now grown up into an average American young adult. I get it. We have issues. I wanted to leave them behind (cue "Get me out of here!" theme music)

Then I lived here. Really lived here instead of being aloof as I was in high school. I got into life (finally) with other Americans (and a few MK's) in my college story and was a little more okay with being American. Believe me, I still wanted to leave (country of choice, today and always: Haiti) but there was something in me that wasn't so afraid of us and the direction we were going. God moved here too, definitely.

Then I became an American career woman and man, did I take it to the hilt! Beyond nine-to-five with an hour and half commute added in: I was living that dream. And I was beyond lonely. And I went to Starbucks several times a week. And I lived vicariously through Facebook and watched way too many movies and just generally felt...the...ache.

We Americans are so alone.

We fight alone.

We cry alone.

We laugh alone.

We drink alone.

We sing alone.

And we live alone.

I get it. I get it now, the raw ache you feel after a long day when you have no one to connect with and no energy and you just find some way to entertain yourself. I get why you give yourself away so cheaply. I get why you look so tired and jaded and hopeless--we have made a tough world out there, with deadlines and papers and evaluations (can anyone say, "no grace!") and we fight it out and don't even know if it's completely worth it.

I am so sorry for judging you.

But now I am being brought out of that place: fending for yourself and providing for yourself and just being with yourself. I found out today that I wasn't receiving some money that I thought I would get--and it's fine, I don't really NEED it but it just made me realize how radical this season really is: I have to depend on other people now.

And that's really scary.

And I don't do that well: I really am comfortable (too comfortable) being on my own and taking care of myself. I was literally brought up that way and did just fine (I thought). Needing other people and asking for their help is literally completely against my wiring and very intimidating. I had a lot of trouble this year because I did just that: never asked for help. My principal literally leaned toward me during my summative (whole year) evaluation and said, "I'll tell you the secret of what you really need to work on wherever you go next." (Huh? What's that?) "You need to ask for help."

She pinned me. That was it to a tee: it's not even in me to ask...I would always much rather figure it out myself.

It's so destructive! But it's how Americans live! And I do it...really well...and it DESTROYS me.

But God is putting me in a place where I can't operate that way anymore. I am being thrust deep into community (I had a taste this week through going to a workshop called 'Single Life': and this workshop is actually the opposite of single life because you learn there how to operate in community and let people in...the way its named is literally ironic), having to rely on others for what I need and going beyond myself and all that I am comfortable with! And I'm not going to say I'm going to rock it or that it'll be the best thing ever (this is gonna be tough!) but I am EXCITED!

So, if you're still reading, please support me. It may be through prayer or even sending a check but, I am willing to admit: I need help.

SO UnAmerican :) heehee!

#newreality

I am writing this from a new reality.

No, I haven’t found the gap in space/time and pushed through it (ahha). Rather, the old has fallen away and a new season comes to take its place.

And believe me, I have been waiting, I have been praying, I have been longing for this season when He and I get to move forward together into all that He has taken those months of waiting and praying and hoping to prepare. Ask me what it looks like and I’ll tell you that I have no clue. But I also have peace and assurance, because this Lord who I have given my life to is good, undoubtedly, overwhelmingly good. And I know what He has been doing in me and causing to come out of me and it is good. And I know that this season will be different and so good from all the rest and able to move me further because I have a secret, a new one which launches me forth into more life and possibility (a new reality!) than any other. Want to hear it? Want to know the hope that changes the whole world (me included)? Here it is: I have died.

See, I always tried to do ministry out of self-striving, my own strength, my abilities and I failed pretty regularly, probably daily if I’m being honest. There was nothing filling me up besides myself and that, I tell you, is not enough to change the world. It’s not even enough to change me or be enough for me. More than anything, my claimed ‘self-sufficiency’ held me back from everything I longed to be.

And I write this not because I finally have it all figured out (God is definitely still at work peeling back the layers in the onion-heart of me) or that it all suddenly clicked in the last day or so, but because I feel that all I have been learning about letting who I am and my works go and stepping into obedience to Him and following where He leads are finally locking together and giving me wings—all the moving parts coming together organically to launch me into who-knows-what with absolute hope.

Because when I start flying now (as Robins are made to do) His wind will be under my wings.

Because the joy that fills in and flows over me as I get ready to launch is pretty fantastic and only to be shared.

Because this journey of becoming One of His Own is not just my own—I believe there are thousands of us out there, just on the verge of being launched.

That the Lord is birthing forth dreamers, doers, Kingdom Advancers in only the beginning of a Great Awakening that will astonish all those who witness.

Because we’re no longer here for us, or what can even be done in us, but for Him and that simple, tiny mindset change releases the Lord and His Word in ways we won’t even be able to fathom, until we’re behind them or in the midst of them and we look around and realize, “He’s doing it. What He always said He would do is happening, right in front of me.” And it’ll cause us to just revel and take delight in Him even more.

I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait! Lord, Jesus, come have your way! Meet us in the middle of wherever we are and begin the dance that moves thousands, hundreds of thousands to you.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God.”

Galatians 2:20

#newreality

Yeah, I'm Just Going to Write a Book :)

I'm in the middle of what tons of people have done--haha! Just as hundreds of people have written a blog (teehee, I knew that from the beginning!) so tons of people, all down the ages have written books--which, by the way, I'm gonna do. :)

The reasons in case you ever asked (and given sometimes when you don't want to know):

Because sometimes you can't help but write (as this silly blog has testified over and over--I can't keep away).

Because I feel joy in me again when I write--and I want to bring that joy to the world and I need joy.

Because sometimes you just have to write--its a fire burning in you (this is prophecy being fulfilled by the way!)

Because I have a voice and it is worth hearing and more than that if God has one person who can be filled with a little hope (in a world so bent on darkness and destruction) I will write to them. They are worth giving hope to and I don't care what it may cost me, I will do as He asks of me for His people.

Hope is worth giving.

I don't have all the answers and I don't know the future--so I will just keep working, moving forward and seeking out my God--may He move through me, because if He doesn't, I don't see it as a task worth completing...but if He fills it, oh the joy!

Because no one needs to hear from me--but everyone needs to hear from Him!

It won't be easy--but I'm His! Please pray for me and this undertaking when you think of me :)