The journey is nearly over...
As we've come to the end, we have been discussing our beginnings, our first impressions and who we were--vastly different from who we are now. We've been warned for several weeks now that "re-entry" will not be easy: and I don't expect it to be. I am going home to no vehicle, living at my parents house (about 45 minutes from my former community) and not many friends. I have to start over completely, in every way.
But for every loss, I have gained so much more that actually builds into my future: the eternal future. The deeper understanding and confidence I have in who I am and what I am made for I would never trade or give to any other. He's done work in me that takes me far beyond where I thought I would ever be. So though my future looks doubtful and small at home, I am still excited. For when I offer my small life to Him over and over again, He makes something beautiful, even of the pain and panic.
I am learning--over and over again--to look at my life and the relationships therein from His blindingly bold and big perspective. He's not afraid of me or where my heart goes or the hurt that may come to me. He knows how to put me to rights every time, which means I am free to love: something I had never known until these six months spent close to Him.
India was not a long fun fest of amazing moments: it was a gradual breaking down of everything in me that kept me from complete dependence on Him: a process I had gone through before, but which was enhanced by the circumstances I was in and had a deeper filling in of Him being more than just the God I prayed to, but a God who was near. When I was sick--feeling worse than I ever had in my life--and went to hospital for treatment and only felt sicker, He was my only Comforter. He was the only One who could: those around you can never known the depth of pain you feel, only He can truly known the pain in our bodies and souls.
There was an intimacy that was created during this trip--my struggles and fears all came to light in ways that I never would have orchestrated...I was so embarrassingly broken before all my friends. I had nowhere to run and no one to turn to--and He let me just be close. I didn't have to fix myself or figure it out or have the right words to say to explain myself: He just wanted me with Him, wanted me close.
Ironically, I know the sweetness of love more through this trip than I was ever planning on. I could feel it on my face as I went down the street in India: sometimes all we could do was pray and pray I did and in this small, very dependent act the Lord changed my heart incredibly. The piece and part of the world that seemed the most strange and far from my experience as I studied it in college became suddenly very dear and precious. Even now, I look at pictures and sigh: there's a grandeur and mystery to India not found in other places. It is a unique and exciting place, full of sights and sounds beyond explaining: a smell and feeling and movement that is its own. You'll never be hassled like you are in India, never see as many colors, never taste food quite so potent--and yet the honking horns and blessed noise and feeling of a city on a move come to feel like home. Because every step was taken with my Beloved by my side, leaning into my heart and speaking out His love over them, until I looked at them and was quite overtaken by the deep love He wanted so desperately to pour over the people just walking through these streets, caught in mindsets and world systems but made to be set free and loved well into full life.
And we got to show off that love: working all over that massive nation, showing the children there the deep love the Father had for them: feeding them, bathing them, laughing with them, playing soccer and braiding their hair. Our teams went two different places and worked in very different ministries but in every place, we saw kids and His people at work reaching out to these destitute ones. That was the most beautiful part for me, the one I didn't even realize I was in until our trip was almost over: God had let me see a legacy of love centered around the children of India, rescuing them, caring for them, taking care of their needs. I was literally walking in the footsteps of Amy Carmichael, who's writings I found at 18 and went absolutely nuts over, and God was speaking to me about my ministry to come.
Home now in California...
I have been praying about and for street kids for many years, since I spent the year devouring Amy Carmichael and went to Haiti. There are many promises and things to grow into connected to this call. I always knew my life would look very different from the norm--but it's becoming increasingly glaringly obvious that this will be no ordinary life. I always knew deep in me that certain things were never meant for me--and yet I wanted to know them--but the Lord has always held me back. This latest trial has shown me clearly that I am meant to live alone, but never alone: I will always be closely connected with many people. A piece of me resists giving in to this, really letting go, but another piece knows that she has been willing all along, and though it is a fight, is still willing, to let go of what seems to be my happiness to let my life be poured out fully for others. There are certain things that just don't fit into all the wholeness of me that will be required to give my life away for Haiti. It's not that my sacrifice is any grander or of more worth than another person's sacrifice, it's just what is required of me. And I get to give in--or resist--and this piece of my life, fully in His hands, is now His to do with as He wishes.
I am fully dependent on Him, in every area of my life.
And He could very well do a miracle and turn it all around--He's God, isn't He?--but for now, this is laid on the altar and it's very well to do so.
I urge you to take a look at your little life, your ordinary, putzing around the yard life and ask God where He wants to blow you out of the water, where He wants to do things you could never dream with you, because you're finally given over to Him. My little sister was saying today--in the middle of stating all her troubles--that she knows that God is real and has been protecting her. She's very aware of His Presence and safety in her life--and she's not even following Him! I think we all, as human beings, are aware that we are being taken care of, are dependent. We're even aware, as I am, of what is required of us to live out this life fully that He promised to us. You probably know exactly what you are required to lay down that you may follow Him fully with your life. I urge you to give in. The exciting adventure that is your life, that is my life, cannot even have beginnings to discuss with fellow journeyers if we never let it all go and let Him move through us to begin with. What is the thing keeping you from moving past your front door? Give it over to the Lord...you never know what He'll do with it.
Remember, He's good. And good doesn't mean "gives you what you want" but rather "always gives what's best for you." Trust Him and let go...
