You Shall Love Me

It's been a long week...well, to be truthful, a long year :)

Everything is ready for next year--but none of it is within my sights. Strange place to be...

When the course of your life is set by your Creator, but you, the human, have no idea, it becomes a dance of sorts, your whole life a dance. That's often how I see Jesus and myself--dancing.

It's close, it's interactive, it's give-and-take--you searching out this other person as they move and respond with you. I want to say, I often don't do a very attractive dance. I wind up spinning off in the wrong direction, forgetting the dance steps or squashing His toes. I've often been seen racing off into the dark when the dance floor is clearly lit up and waiting. I squander my time, playing in the sand when I should be learning the steps of the dance.

In truth, I am an awful dancer, the most uncoordinated of any group. I actually took quite a few dance classes/exercise classes involving dance and it was pitiful! Even the simplest steps could elude me--I would waltz my way tragically through the course...I could learn a dance--eventually. I just had to stumble through the first round, go back and see it taught again and voila! after a bit of practice, I could find my way...

But the time, you must put the time in...it's going to be a struggle, perhaps a bore for those watching you not get it (your classmates) and it takes perseverance. It takes setting your mind to it. All of life is a dance.

I come from a long line of self-defeatists, for whatever reason. Struggle becomes a reason to muddle through life, not the power behind you to overcome. I could have learned that, almost learned that. But instead, the Lord had a different plan, a redemption to be made even of my uncouth family--we do not have to stay the same. What our fathers carried and claimed as normal can be laid down in our lifetimes so that we can skip forward, happy and FREE! I am my father's daughter, but I am not his burden bearer--for I have turned to another One! It really began in high school, this learning to carry my cross instead of giving up and admitting defeat. I took a Calculus class (shudder with me) and found that for once in my life, my brain failed me. I simply could not grasp the concepts with the ease and pizazz that I had been capable of at any other time in my studies. It was the strangest feeling, failing that class...

But I didn't fail, I persevered. I cried through homework, got a tutor and received a 3/5 on the AP Calculus test--which earned me four units of college credit, not bad! It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but also the most rewarding.

Enter river guiding, Hebrew, student teaching in a self-contained 6th-8th grade classroom--perseverance has been my gift and like any truly good gift, I have had to struggle through it. Nothing has been easy, not for years now. I can't even remember what it feels like to really relax and know that nothing bad is going to happen--because it just does. This is not my pity party, just my weary truth--I get tired of waiting--and for what, I don't know!

So, the dance--ever continuing, ever beautiful, ever painful, ever close...the gift in your suffering (for some say all suffering is alone, no other human can understand the pain you go through or how you experience it), the anguish--it has brought you a closeness with God that you could not have imagined, dreamed or even longed for before. I'm so tired of all of this--my heart cries out sometimes--and then the moments become reframed: I'm close to you in this, says the only One who can understand. See, we don't get healed, except by His wounds. And we can't love someone--truly, in an empathetic, other-comforting way--unless we know what they have gone through, their pain has been real to us. So I don't know what the Lord will do with my life--some days it looks like nothing!--but I do know He loves. And He brings redemption--and He sees pain.

And that's all I need.

"I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me

He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me...

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed

He had arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding...

He said to me, 'You shall love me, You shall love me, 

You shall love me, you shall love me..."

--Misty Edwards, Arms Wide Open

Scared Straight

I've been scared all my life.

I would hardly try anything new as a child--thank God learning to read was super easy for me or school would have been an awful chore. I never learned to ride a bike, would sit it out at a skating rink and only learned to swim because my parents forced me to.

A whole life...lived out of fear.

It's wild to get perspective on your life and realize what has been controlling you and even punishing you throughout all your years...wild to stand up and start to see the patterns and then realize, "I sure as heck don't want to live that way anymore!" I didn't learn to drive until I was eighteen and got my license at twenty-two (after graduating from college!). I drove away/neglected people I could have loved because fear dwelt so deep in me--it affected me in more ways than even I can pinpoint at this time.

But the glory on my life--and yours!--is that He sees very well the way that Satan has tried to steal from, kill in and destroy us--and His remedy is near.

Let me tell you a story.

Once there was a beautiful Princess who lived in a large tower. The tower kept her safe, locked away from the world, but it was also stifling. As the Princess looked out the window, she became increasingly more frightened by all she saw. Villagers grinning up at her looked like terrible monsters. Handsome young men were giants ready to attack. Small children seemed like little imps out to do her no good. Her fears continually overwhelmed her until she wouldn't even look up anymore from the dark corner she cowered in. It was all too much.

One day a handsome young Prince, her intended, rode up to the castle gates. He gazed up at the tower she was trapped in with a searching, unexplainable look--everyone wondered what he would do. The villagers all knew the Princess was hopelessly lost in her fears, they'd spoken about it many times, but the Prince wouldn't be content with this. He knew there was something more for her, for them together, and he was willing to do whatever it took to capture her gaze, earn her trust and teach her to love.

He rode over the drawbridge, up to the castle gates and passed through, fire in his eyes and love in his smile. His graceful mien was glorious to behold. He knew what he was about to do: he asked the Princess to dance.

She, with groping fingers, could barely dare to touch his hand, but she gave in. At first she couldn't even look into his eyes...the fear was too close. He asked for one dance each day and then went on his way. In time, his gracious devotion stole her heart. She ventured to gaze up at this man who would choose to love her, tentatively at first but then with greater and greater confidence. Soon, she was laughing, loving, enjoying the dance. Finally the wedding day came and a much changed Princess entered the room. Fear was no longer around her eyes, lingering at her fingertips--it had been chased away by pure love. She knew that she was the Beloved and that nothing could change that. The faithful devotion on the part of her Prince had reached in and healed the core of who she was. No matter what anyone else had spoken over her life or the lies which tried to surface--all passed away as she was swept up in the dance, looking into the eyes of her Prince. This confident hope could not be shaken--and it never was.

The Prince and Princess dwelt in her kingdom for many years until it was time for him to ascend his throne. Under his love, she became a gracious, lovely woman who saw many through their hurts and hang ups and always called them into the dance. Every ball was a sight to behold! Many joined in the dance as the Princess and her Prince waltzed through the room. Their pure joy at being together brought joy to those who witnessed it--it changed the entire kingdom. Then one day, the Princess became a Queen, ruling alongside her Beloved. Her dreams had more than come true.

This story is not only mine--it belongs to many others. Wherever your life has brought you, whatever stage you are at with your Prince--whether desperately afraid, tentatively peeking into His eyes or rejoicing in the dance, I pray you continue ever more earnestly to look into His eyes. Truth, strength, joy, love--there is enough for you. He has promised to see us through to the end and if you will let Him, you will dance together through this life.

Look into His eyes.

Abide.

I've been scared straight into His arms.

Purity

I know I should still be writing this essay...ha ha

But I just felt like writing about the goodness of God.

Have you know His goodness lately? Its like a blanket, a comfort wrapping you up so completely--and its like a hug from a friend who really understands--and He really understands.

I was standing in worship last night, no, I think I was sitting at that point, and I was suddenly there but not there--there was white light all around, so pure and holy, light like I'd never seen anywhere--and then there was Jesus and He was handing me something...or was I handing it to Him? I can't be sure, I just know we both were holding onto this heart and it was pure white like the light all around it. Names had been written on it, but they'd all been searing (I think that's the right word) of the surface of that heart and now it was whole, clean, no stain upon it--and then there was one name written across that heart--His name, Jesus.

May we live lives of purity, so much so that the only name written on our hearts is His. And let this be known--Jesus sees no stain on you. He's given you His name, to guard and defend your purity and He's given you His heart to go forth into the world and love. May that be your anchor and your tower of refuge, His name which is above all other names and His love, found in knowing Him deeply, and His righteousness, which is now ours, because we are His sons and daughters. Don't let anything draw you from that purity...I know I need to watch myself and my heart. I love that God is with us on this--He's doing the work, just as we are. Like that verse I ran across just a little while ago: "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:12-13

Keep dancing before Him and with Him. Remember that you are never alone. Jesus is always by your side, just waiting for you to reach out to Him. Take all your dreams and place them in His hands. He knows what to do with them.

He is good!