S.A.D. day--or is it?? haha, read on!!!

 

I’m always taken care of on Valentine’s Day…

I had my own plans this year—a friend and I were going to hang out, do silly things like a photo scavenger hunt at the mall and watching sappy movies and eating heart shaped pizzas—but those fell through unexpectedly. I was invited in to the other plans but I knew it wasn’t the right thing for me at that time (you just know) so I let the moment pass. I was sad—really disappointed—for about an hour but then I…let it go.

Last year on Valentine's Day I was a sub in a first grade class—little children who barely knew me handed me their home grown cards. I was surrounded by little people (foreshadowing perhaps? I think so--this year I've got a whole class full of them!) and I was happy.

My students blessed me today. Of course, they brought in their little valentines (some with candy) for their friends but they didn’t forget me! I was shocked, honestly. An awesome "I love you" balloon, a huge chocolate kiss, two of those ridiculous heart shaped packages packed themselves with chocolate--a boyfriend couldn't have done better if he'd tried :) They just blessed me beyond measure--it's something that kids do...give freely of themselves. I ended that day feeling so full...and I'm realizinfg that this fulfillment and contentment is become evermore a pattern in my life. It's been so long since I had days like this that it's almost bizarre to me--and it makes me savor it all the more. 

There is a saying, "You can't love a good man, until you've loved a bad one." I don't know how true that is but I do know that depth is created out of sorrow--you're capacity for joy has inadvertently developed and grown as you have traveled through deep loneliness and grief. We created to live deeply--I am priviliged to know more than an ordinary, bland existence--even if that existence can sometimes have it's fill of pain--it just makes the pleasure that much more to be anticipated and enjoyed.

My life is full—and it became full without me really realizing or trying to make it that way. I have beautiful people who speak into my life consistently, I am known, I am well liked by my peers—and none of this happens because I made it so. If there is anything I have learned this year, it is that the most beautiful things happen when you let go. When you don’t know what’s around the corner or how the story ends and you let life play itself out—fall into God’s lap, so to speak—that’s when the magic, the impossible (improbable) happens and your life is made beautiful for you.

My life is being made beautiful for me.

I hadn’t expected that. My throwback thinking still has me trying to prove myself, to earn the love that is so freely given to me! I can’t seem to escape needing to justify my existence and show that I am worth all that has been given to me. Grace is a beautiful lesson that the Lord has had to fill my life with over and over again—because I don’t understand it and so He has to immerse me in it, make me experience it over and over again, trying to help me see that there is a new way, there is life to be lived and it doesn't all depend on me.

Grace is so safe—in a dangerous way. Even now, I simply don’t understand it. When I allow His life giving words to flow over me and finally penetrate my heart (I am proud of you. You are a gem. I have plans for you. I see your beauty and your heart for me. My butterfly.), when I truly let myself sit back and contemplate His life that He poured out for me so that I might live free and hopeful—it’s too overwhelming. Every day becomes Valentine’s Day for me, the uncovered gift, freely given—you get to live free! You get to hope! You get to see beyond what the world says is your destiny into all that the Lord has planned for you! You get to move forward completely reliant on His power rather than your own! You get to live filled with His love, just basking in it, overwhelmed by it!

I thought I would spend today fighting loneliness—I should have known better. He anticipates every need and has already moved forward to fill it in—and more abundantly than I could ever anticipate and plan for. He catches me off guard every day as I wake up and come into His presence—like my kids showing up with an abundance of Valentine’s—I simply never lack when I choose Him. 

Happy Valentines Day all those who are Beloved of the Lord. Remember as you celebrate this day that true love is sacrifice—and ultimate sacrifice, ultimate love, is a giving away of your life. Remember the one who gave away His love for you and choose to move forward in His power, overwhelmed by all He is and has for us. He is more than you know—find your life in Him, true life and remember to live free!!! It’s His gift to us—no worries or frustrations or endless anxiety—but rather perfect peace as we pray, His Presence as we worship and His love flowing out as we live this life in Him.  He died for that—for you—you are worth all the chocolates in the world and many more flowers. The loving sacrifice of the God man shows that.

When Love Comes...

Every once in a great while, something extraordinary happens. An epiphany comes, seemingly out of nowhere, and your life is no longer the same. That’s what happened to me tonight…

I go to the Stirring every weekend at 6pm, religiously. I was feeling a bit obstinate today, so I got there late, sat alone, worship had already started. As we worshipped I was so intent, like I’d never been before. I could hardly sing or move around (very unusual for me). I gradually became aware that I felt like a newly married bride—just wanting to be near her husband, hungry for him, not sure if she could spend a day without him. That’s the strength and intensity of the desire I felt. It was just bizarre. It took me over…no other focus. I just wanted to be with my God, look Him in the face and hear the words He had to say to me. I never wanted anything more; I’ll never want anything more—just to be with Him.

Needless to say, I was a mess. When they started preaching, I immediately knew I needed to leave. I am a shy, rule oriented person, so standing up in the middle of a church service, gathering my things and walking out the door is not the norm for me. But there was almost a roaring in my ears and I couldn’t even focus, I knew I had to just go, Go, GO!

I left—and as I drove away I began to realize what all this was welling up inside. All my life, I have been chasing after other lovers. All my life…Each one got taken away from me, or I chose to leave them (mostly they were taken, with my consent). I mean, I loved my cat with all my heart, I loved Haiti, I loved S-----…when those weren’t going on, my heart was always searching, creating little love affairs. I loved so many—in my poor way—though they never knew. I was too afraid to publicly love—that would require risk. So I built shadows of the dream that love is, and was content, in my way, with these…I knew no other way.

They talked about loving Orphans tonight—my calling perhaps because I was one. I only learned to truly love another being with my first trip to Haiti, where God started ripping out bits of my heart and began to put in beautiful bloody bits of His own. I began to beat for a cause—and it ruined me. It brought me to the end of myself, looking up at God, crying out for Him to do something! Make it better! Heal this hurt! How can you live with this?” He smiled at me, comforted me, sang over me…He knew I’d understand soon.

Then S------—the poor sucker!—last of my shadow loves and most deadly. Loving him exposed the broken parts of me—the lie I carried that hissed, “Unworthy”, the belief that I would never be pursued—loving him ruined me. And I looked at God and moaned and said, "I don’t know if I can bear this!” God took His broken daughter in His arms, loved her past her shame and said, “You are my Bride.”

You are my Bride…broken, hollow, empty, soulless, fearful…

He said it again, “You are my Bride.” She began to look around, saw “Worthy, Adored, Radiant, Joy” written on the walls of her heart. She began to hope.

“You are My Bride.” Destiny pouring out for her, dreams taking shape, hope restored and restoration coming…

“YOU ARE MY BRIDE!” This last one was a shout and with it all fear was dismantled. All that the little girl had built her life upon was suddenly in tatters and she found herself looking into the face of her King, her Father, her Bridegroom and laughing with Him at it. And they began to rebuild together, from the inside out.

That is what is happening in me. That is why I am overcome with my desire to be with Him—I know now who my True Love is and my heart is finally able to feel all that it was created to feel. And all that it wants—every beat of it—is to be with Him. It knows that it can have no other lovers and that all it needs is found in Him, and so it thirsts for Him achingly—oh to know the goodness of God and eat at His table. No more wandering beggar in rags, trying to find crumbs where she could. Now I know I am the Princess, the Desire of His Heart and I will preside at His table. His banner over me is love and I shall never leave its shade.

I’m finally able to only want you.