You Shall Love Me

It's been a long week...well, to be truthful, a long year :)

Everything is ready for next year--but none of it is within my sights. Strange place to be...

When the course of your life is set by your Creator, but you, the human, have no idea, it becomes a dance of sorts, your whole life a dance. That's often how I see Jesus and myself--dancing.

It's close, it's interactive, it's give-and-take--you searching out this other person as they move and respond with you. I want to say, I often don't do a very attractive dance. I wind up spinning off in the wrong direction, forgetting the dance steps or squashing His toes. I've often been seen racing off into the dark when the dance floor is clearly lit up and waiting. I squander my time, playing in the sand when I should be learning the steps of the dance.

In truth, I am an awful dancer, the most uncoordinated of any group. I actually took quite a few dance classes/exercise classes involving dance and it was pitiful! Even the simplest steps could elude me--I would waltz my way tragically through the course...I could learn a dance--eventually. I just had to stumble through the first round, go back and see it taught again and voila! after a bit of practice, I could find my way...

But the time, you must put the time in...it's going to be a struggle, perhaps a bore for those watching you not get it (your classmates) and it takes perseverance. It takes setting your mind to it. All of life is a dance.

I come from a long line of self-defeatists, for whatever reason. Struggle becomes a reason to muddle through life, not the power behind you to overcome. I could have learned that, almost learned that. But instead, the Lord had a different plan, a redemption to be made even of my uncouth family--we do not have to stay the same. What our fathers carried and claimed as normal can be laid down in our lifetimes so that we can skip forward, happy and FREE! I am my father's daughter, but I am not his burden bearer--for I have turned to another One! It really began in high school, this learning to carry my cross instead of giving up and admitting defeat. I took a Calculus class (shudder with me) and found that for once in my life, my brain failed me. I simply could not grasp the concepts with the ease and pizazz that I had been capable of at any other time in my studies. It was the strangest feeling, failing that class...

But I didn't fail, I persevered. I cried through homework, got a tutor and received a 3/5 on the AP Calculus test--which earned me four units of college credit, not bad! It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but also the most rewarding.

Enter river guiding, Hebrew, student teaching in a self-contained 6th-8th grade classroom--perseverance has been my gift and like any truly good gift, I have had to struggle through it. Nothing has been easy, not for years now. I can't even remember what it feels like to really relax and know that nothing bad is going to happen--because it just does. This is not my pity party, just my weary truth--I get tired of waiting--and for what, I don't know!

So, the dance--ever continuing, ever beautiful, ever painful, ever close...the gift in your suffering (for some say all suffering is alone, no other human can understand the pain you go through or how you experience it), the anguish--it has brought you a closeness with God that you could not have imagined, dreamed or even longed for before. I'm so tired of all of this--my heart cries out sometimes--and then the moments become reframed: I'm close to you in this, says the only One who can understand. See, we don't get healed, except by His wounds. And we can't love someone--truly, in an empathetic, other-comforting way--unless we know what they have gone through, their pain has been real to us. So I don't know what the Lord will do with my life--some days it looks like nothing!--but I do know He loves. And He brings redemption--and He sees pain.

And that's all I need.

"I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at me

He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me...

He had arms wide open, a heart exposed

He had arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding...

He said to me, 'You shall love me, You shall love me, 

You shall love me, you shall love me..."

--Misty Edwards, Arms Wide Open

A lot has happened these past few months...a epidemic of cholera in Haiti...me learning to stand on my own two feet and lift others up as well...struggles with love--mainly over analyzation and flighty hormones...and learning to wait.

It's so funny how far I've come even in the last few months. I'm new all over again...learning to trust Him anew...learning to wait on Him anew...singing anew...dreams being reawoken even in the last few weeks...

See, this is the year when the first thing I felt God distinctly speak to me was "be content in loneliness". The second thing was "your only hope is me", ie, don't put your hope in anything else, dreams, plans, or people. The third was "wait wait wait wait wait, for glory will come if you do". Hmmm....

All of this spells out to a Robin who is trying really hard to figure it out, but has to learn to trust and not worry over the future, a Robin who finds herself falling for boys and having to pull herself back and a Robin who isn't sure how to be content. She is learning though. Her thought patterns this week are much better than they were last week. She stills obsesses over the way she looks, but she's exercising regularly and feels content with herself...comfortable in her own skin. She has made a lot of friends and is comfortable in the presence of numerous types of people. She loves the girls on her floor and has learned to invest in them and LOVES seeing their growth. They are becoming amazing people...and she knows it is all God. She gets to watch and pray as He brings about transformation in their lives...what a privilege.

Robin's favorite thing is that her Jesus speaks to her through music...classical music lately. The torrent of visible embodied creation that comes forth from someone playing an instrument masterfully brings her to tears lately. Jesus is after her heart, so completely after her heart, IT AMAZES HER. Their is no one like Him, no other lover like her Lord. That's why she chooses to stay at rest (because it is a daily choice, one I need to make, even today in this moment) and leave it all in the hands of the Lord. He is the Lover and Sustainer of her heart. He knows what she needs and is bringing a beautiful symphony to bear in the hearts of His children. All she wants to do is join along...

Lover of all, keep me content in You.

Robin is growing up, not without aches and pains, but content in the arms and the guidance of her Maker. Life is being found in her and a beauty which delights her Lord. She looks to Him alone in this time...and that's where He's always wanted her focus to be.

Beautiful mercy, do what you have to do
Jealous Lover, do what you have to do
You know the best way...

Grace springs up all around

God uses fractured people, huh? He just asks that we don't lose heart and keep following after Him and keep believing that what He says is true...

This is where grace steps in. I'm seriously crying right now realizing this. I try so hard to make things work out and do what I believe is God's will...and when I feel like I've failed--and I seem to see more failure and lost opportunities in my life than successes--I really beat myself up. People always comment on my upbeatness and never ceasing smile...but on the inside...it's not always that way.

Grace......what a beautiful

earth shattering

concept.

This things make sense to me so little...but I think I'm getting it. God is the one in control. I am along for the ride--a valuable instrument in His hands, but not the cog which will cause the entire mechanism to fall apart if it fails.

And He chooses to use us...and it's His grace...He is at work through out all that we do.

Our task is to move as He calls us to, but still be okay with the flukes and the mistakes. I am telling you, i am going to mess up! and mess up big in this life!! But I feel a joy rush, even now. So long my life has been dictated by fear--everything revolving around my fear of messing it up and causing the flaw which makes everything fall apart. But I have a revelation!!! I'm not that important...

So if I chicken out and don't talk to that person I know I'm supposed to--it's going to be okay! But since it's going to be okay, even if I mess up, why don't I just do what God asks? Wow...so freeing!

He calls us to live in love, not perfectionism! Stop the judging, Robin, of yourself and others :) Smile big, live loud and let love be your mark among all those blunders! I can't wait!

P.S. I got to hang out with seventh grade boys at school today and I just love the conversations we had :) I love people and connecting with them and finding out what makes them tick and still loving them! I can't wait to be a teacher and pray that I learn to be a servant in the process (serving instead of being served). Shake me up, God! I want your refreshing righteousness and none of my own. i rely on YOU! Rain down...

Also there was a prophecy over my life that involved the balm of Gilead and I recently found out that the country I'm traveling to is a source of this balm...

This adds beautiful mystery and the touch of God to my trip. I can't wait to see what this trip brings. Lead me on, beautiful One. Show me where You long for me to tread...

Purity

I know I should still be writing this essay...ha ha

But I just felt like writing about the goodness of God.

Have you know His goodness lately? Its like a blanket, a comfort wrapping you up so completely--and its like a hug from a friend who really understands--and He really understands.

I was standing in worship last night, no, I think I was sitting at that point, and I was suddenly there but not there--there was white light all around, so pure and holy, light like I'd never seen anywhere--and then there was Jesus and He was handing me something...or was I handing it to Him? I can't be sure, I just know we both were holding onto this heart and it was pure white like the light all around it. Names had been written on it, but they'd all been searing (I think that's the right word) of the surface of that heart and now it was whole, clean, no stain upon it--and then there was one name written across that heart--His name, Jesus.

May we live lives of purity, so much so that the only name written on our hearts is His. And let this be known--Jesus sees no stain on you. He's given you His name, to guard and defend your purity and He's given you His heart to go forth into the world and love. May that be your anchor and your tower of refuge, His name which is above all other names and His love, found in knowing Him deeply, and His righteousness, which is now ours, because we are His sons and daughters. Don't let anything draw you from that purity...I know I need to watch myself and my heart. I love that God is with us on this--He's doing the work, just as we are. Like that verse I ran across just a little while ago: "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:12-13

Keep dancing before Him and with Him. Remember that you are never alone. Jesus is always by your side, just waiting for you to reach out to Him. Take all your dreams and place them in His hands. He knows what to do with them.

He is good!

PRAY FOR HAITI

Home with the family...craziness. Also a time when I do a lot of reading! It's nice to be able to sleep in...well, I kind of sleep in except for Sarah coming in and first asking me to help her make breakfast and then bringing breakfast to me--and it was delicious!

Last night--well all yesterday I was praying for Haiti. I found an article which was telling of an incredible conference going on in Haiti today, put together in part by a woman named Joan Hunter. I really know nothing about this woman, but healing follows her. Haiti needs this healing. I was told (multiple times) that I have the gift of healing, not necessarily physical, but emotional and spiritual. Even before this was spoken over me, I was part of one girl being healed--physically and emotionally--really powerfully. (Weird, I hadn't remembered that until now) I wonder what will come of this woman and her ministry.

The real conference started today and about 1000 pastors are supposed to be coming. They'll be learning/being trained for two days and the third day (when we celebrate Jesus' resurrection!) they'll be praying for the people of the city--and more than 1 million are expected to show up!

All of this is being held in front of the presidential palace, where the three days of fasting and prayer were held in February a month after the earthquake. God is still moving and reaching out to this desperate country with open arms through His children. I am amazed and so enchanted with how God is moving and the good things He's doing and the fact that I get to watch and pray through it all. I am alive at a time when things are moving quickly, the Spirit is so active. I never ever imagined that I would be a part of anything like this. God is so much more than I can put into words!

And today we remember the day He endured more pain than we can imagine--all for the sake of love for us.

The love shown on the cross...confounds me and leaves me with no words. What do we say to love shown in this self sacrificial way, love which is so different from the self-gratifying love we see played out before us everyday. The love of the cross makes us pause and squint as we try to comprehend; or else captures us for only a moment before we move on, unsure of how to put into words what we just saw.

I feel that far too often we just walk away from the cross--because it really doesn't make sense to us. Those who choose to pick up their own cross and follow after Him are far and few between.

But through these few the love of God spreads through the world. I am so excited for Haiti today...on the day when He picked up His cross and walked to His death, they are learning the power of His name and how He can free people from all that has kept them chained. After all, Jesus didn't stay dead forever! That cross was for one day--but Jesus came back from that defeat, and He was stronger than ever! Too often we see Jesus as the one who made a way for us to have eternal life--and we forget that that eternal life starts now! We live abundantly (but not as the world sees abundance) from NOW until FOREVER. If Christians started grasping this now--and calling on the abundant life that He has to offer--no more sin controlling you, no more sickness keeping you from your dreams and no more shame keeping you from speaking His name--how powerful we would be! The Holy Spirit is real, He came first at Pentecost and He is moving through the whole earth even now. We are meant to live out this life by relying on the Holy Spirit for our whole strength--because He is connected to Jesus and God, our Father. We're not living this life out trying to do good works out of our own strength, but by asking God what He's up to in the world (getting to know Him intimately, so much so that His words--found in the Bible--are always buzzing through our brain and we know Him, and the truth He spoke, deeply) and then asking Him to move through us as we talk with people, pray for people and love. It's only His power, and His power flowing through us as we rely on and abide in Him, that will change the world. So don't look to yourself anymore! There is a higher power and His yoke is truly easy and light! Call on Jesus with all that you have within you and He will hear. He has just been waiting for you to give your full attention to Him, no more distractions or other's voices keeping you away. What this world needs is Jesus--and He's just waiting for them to cry out to Him.

Full of hope and joy because of Him and His goodness toward us and Haiti...

Here in the Waiting with Jesus

Today is a little hard, but Jesus and I are making it together. I rejoice in Him and He really is worth waiting on. When the time comes I will go to Haiti. Meanwhile I watch and pray...I don't want any other Lover.

The words I got for the Haiti team can be found in John 14:
¹²"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father.
¹³"Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
¹⁴"If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it."
How powerful is that? May that team (which left today) call on Jesus' name together. I will be calling out on thier behalf too, every morning at 6 AM. May they have grace and strength, know His peace and let their hearts be broken. May they be opened to how much we need Jesus, and then find in Him strength.