[Re]vision Your Life!

I was planning to get a lot done today--but maybe that's the wrong goal.

God's asking me to dream again--and really, it's bizarre for me--and I think that's a bad thing. It shows me up in ways that I don't want to be exposed. It makes me realize (and at the same moment forgive myself) for where I've let my heart be for the past few years.

It makes me take a step back and think again--who do I want to be? where do I see myself in ten years? what are my goals?

And it makes me realize just how disconnected I am from myself.

And I'm not shocked. And I know I'm not the only one. In fact, if we were all truly, unquenchingly honest--like a street-interview-because-no-ones-ever-going-to-see-this kind of honesty--we'd find that literally no one has a true clue about who they are and where they are headed.

And the ones who do, who "know that they know that they know"--they're powerful.

Because without a vision the people perish--hello! Who do you think that Proverb is about if it's not about American culture? We are so quick and plugged in and always constantly moving from place to place and event to event that our hearts have become distant realms that we never access (if anyone ever taught us to access them from the beginning).

My disconnect comes from a variety of factors--first of all, my life moving too fast. Secondly, environment--at times it was too caustic to let my heart be known. Thirdly, disappointment. I thought I knew the dreams of my heart and had vision but then it was too much...maybe I tried too hard to make it happen or had to narrow a view of my vision and when it didn't come about, it left me devastated and made me lose heart--and it's been hard to get all of that back.

So...while we're here...I'm going to do a little re-visioning (and I encourage you to do the same--it's good for your heart and the course of your life).

Revision: 1) brilliant marriage reflecting the love of the father and how He pursues His bride and sees her through the darkest nights 

[sidenote: okay, based on the specificity of this first one, maybe I am not so far from knowing my heart and the new vision the Lord has put into it...He's just been revising and I need to tune in...]

2) teaching in some form (English, school, the Bible)--teaching in any capacity that allows me to connect with others, learning about and speaking into their heart and the dreams therein

3) worship Him! either through dance, song or prayer--letting the Father's heart be known and loving others through connecting them to His heart

4) raise little people (really this next generation) up in the love, freedom and joy found in the Lord while helping them escape the schemes of the devil; which, in plain English, means everything thrown at them that tries to tear at their heart and destroy their lives. I know God has good planned for the earth and our children are going to experience it. [If I could, I'd be a stay at home mom, supporting my husband in his work and offering help in any way need to see him and his ministry thrive]

Alright...alright...alright...I do have vision (good to know). Now for the tricky part--how to pray through figuring out how to move forward specifically! AAHHHHH!

We'll get there--I'm exhausted and happy--but still have no clue about my future.

And that is okay.

I know who's I am and that's enough--because He's enough and He'll see me through.

My job is to stay connected to Him :)

Are Your Bones Old and Tired?

blogging day--I just feel it in my bones :) haha, what a fun old expression.

old, tired bones--that's how i feel lately…like someone decided to turn my life on high speed and i hadn't been warned. all good things, all good things--but it can become too much, ever so quickly--and eventually, if you don't take time and prioritize (which, if you're in the whirlwind, is hard to do!) you can end up being so used to functioning in an exhausted state that you learn to be content with offering your half-best--scary place to be.

a life lived well, for the moment, i am content in this. there are many things i dream of (Haiti comes to mind and whatever family of my own i am blessed with someday) but the thing which will always bug me and make me push forward is wanting to live a life well lived. its so easy (happens all the time to me) to lose your day in a million ways or only be half-there for the people who need you. its so easy that some people call it "living". to truly live--fully present in every moment, aware of other people and their needs, waiting with your ears open to God in case He has anything to say--can be exhausting!

or maybe i've hit upon something--all of the above, i attempt to do, as faithfully as i am able. however--i do forget, though i have been doing this God thing for years!--to remember to ask the Lord into my day--truly listening for His voice.

this is the lesson! that i will never stop learning, for the life of God lived out through you is a thing to be growing into from all eternity onward--never ending process for He is a limitless God. what a concept. what joy!

the husband of one of my friends said once, after meeting me and having known me for about an hour, "God sees unlimited potential in you. that's why He puts so much on your shoulders, He knows you can bear the weight. you're limitless with Him." This was said after a particularly trying period of my life, where day after day I had felt like i was juggling an enormous burden and no one but He knew what i was going through. hearing those words of truth from that man brought a freedom to my soul i had never allowed myself before--i was capable, more than capable, limitless, to do all that God had before me. therefore my future wasn't so bleak and yes, i had lived through that crazy storm that most people would have abandoned and yes, i could do all the crazy dreams that God had so lovingly piled into my hands for Haiti--limitless God, limitless Robin--its a new equation.

but i try so hard to do it on my own that i fear i will never move past my inadequacies. and yet, even as i write that, i recognize that something else is true. i have learned to never fear again--when a task, an opportunity, is set in front of me that ia know is a God filled hope bubble of "YES PLEASE THAT IS MINE!!" (you know, the things that set your heart on fire) i dive into it without thinking and overanalyzing anymore--its all become a "YES!" and "AMEN!" on my part. And this week, i was doing things that would have scared me a couple months ago--but i had forgotten to worry about the robin part of me and was striving with the God part of me. And yes, they knocked me out (literally exhausted afterwards) but right there in the middle, me and God working together--it was beautiful. it was glorious. it was Him on display in my life and i was glad to be His kid.

so yes, my future is a little vague--and yes, my dreams need some dusting--it feels like its been so long! but i'm in the company of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob…Joseph and all those other dreamers who really didn't have a chance--just a good Father who loved them dearly. If He is my portion, i can conquer any mountain readily--is that not faith? and in the meantime, i will learn the sabbath rest (crucial, especially in our busy American lives) and do my best to plant blessings in the garden of small beginnings--He will increase my lot. future secure in Him, present spent with Him, past covered by Him--

with a thankful heart!

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones.  He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry.  He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!  This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.  I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone.  I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’”  So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’  Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel.  Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them.  I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’” 

Ezekiel 37:1-14

Stripped Away

What do you do when it all gets torn away from you? When you lose the one thing which you thought would bring you happiness...when you have to move away from all you've known...when life can't seem to give you anything but hard knocks?

I ask it because I'm living it. There's a place deep in my soul that's unsettled and striving, that keeps crying out for more when less is all I see around me.

I've read a lot of books on "desire" and "choosing to know your own heart"--books that remind us that the single most painful thing we can do is acknowledge the mess our lives are in--how far we are from where we intentionally tried to be--and to go from that place and keep hoping. Every book...they say that this is the hardest thing you will ever do, but you will only get your heart and your life back if you do choose to keep hoping, keep trusting and keep pursuing God even when all seems lost.

Because all will be lost--especially if we are in a pursuit with Him.

There are easier ways--we can slip in the back door, take the smooth road and end up where we always wanted to be by our own merit--but there's no pride or glory to God in that methodology. If you are in a pursuit of all (ALL!) that God has for you--prepare for the worst.

Prepare to leave all that is familiar behind--you're paving a new trail...

Prepare to be misunderstood--your circumstances will make sense to no one, usually not even to you...

Prepare to lose it all--He needs to have His hands on your life, so you must relinquish control...

Prepare to die to what you want--the vision goes way beyond what you can see...

Prepare to leave silly arguments about calling behind--it all becomes worthless in the light of knowing Him...

Prepare to dance and sing and praise Him even in the middle of your deserts--these are the sweetest moments, the sacrifice of praise...

Prepare to meet Him in a new, life giving way--and prepare for Him to fill you with Himself on a level you could never have imagined when you first started out...

I have lost it all--love, independence, career, hopes for my "future"...it wasn't His best and so He stole me away to a new life--comfort, hope, joy found only in Him. I read in a letter yesterday (the first letter to my husband--haven't meet him yet :)) that I have been praying that I would truly know deep love--we never know what we're praying for, do we? Never realize how deep and wide and crazy those prayers can be and the journeys they will take us on. I prayed that prayer unaware of the pain that would come out of knowing deep love. My Lord asked me to sacrifice all--took things I depended on away, one by one--so that I might truly love and hope in Him. He's a wild God--but so good in the end. I wouldn't trade sun filled days for the dark nights where I have known Him.

And now the journey continues--chooisng to live out of my heart, though I can see less than far and have much to ask...still I will choose to dream. When I moved home I put this Post-It note up on the wall to remind me to keep pressing forward:

Give yourself room to DREAM! 

It may seem crazy and messy, but it's the only way to hope...

I choose hope today, will you...? In the middle of all you can't see, in the middle of desperate pain and broken relationships, will you choose to believe and trust that there is a good God who knows you and wants to show love to you? Give yourself room to dream, remember the words He has spoken to you and move forward in hope...

Even on a rainy day, there's still light and color behind the clouds.

Inspired by Psalm 137   

By the waters of Babylon,
    there we sat down and wept,
    when we remembered Zion.
² On the willows there
    we hung up our lyres.
³ For there our captors
    required of us songs,
and our tormentors, mirth, saying,
    “Sing us one of the songs of Zion!”

⁴ How shall we sing the Lord's song
    in a foreign land?
⁵ If I forget you, O Jerusalem,
    let my right hand forget its skill!
⁶ Let my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth,
    if I do not remember you,
if I do not set Jerusalem
    above my highest joy!

⁷ Remember, O Lord, against the Edomites
    the day of Jerusalem,
how they said, “Lay it bare, lay it bare,
    down to its foundations!”
⁸ O daughter of Babylon, doomed to be destroyed,
    blessed shall he be who repays you
    with what you have done to us!
⁹ Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones
    and dashes them against the rock!

Jesus, We'll Fight with YOU--PIERCE THE DARK

I dreamed I was sold into sex trafficking last night.

I knew who the pimp was--my dad had sold me (not my real dad, it wasn't the real him or the real me) and I was totally resigned to it. A friend and I were walking through a store, stealing some last new things (an outfit) and it was like I was abandoning all the old for the new reality. I knew it was coming and I knew I couldn't stop it. The thing that struck me most about the whole thing was how resigned the dream me was to it: she didn't even try to fight. Somehow she knew that it would just make it worse.

I share this because of the words spoken to me right after I woke up:

"That's what my daughters have to go through every day"

Say good bye to all your dreams for a future
            good bye to being normal
                  good bye to having control over your body

"My precious ones," God whispers as His heart breaks

They find a way to cope by being high, drunk
       just existing (go numb)
              while deep inside the dream lingers of being cherished

We have to rush the dark, we have to save these precious ones--those who can't fight for themselves.

The blog I read yesterday rings so true: if we just go along with the "boys will be boys" mantra that excuses any type of lewd behavior on the part of men, then we are agreeing with the second part "girls will be garbage".

"If boys will be boys, then girls will be garbage"

NO!

The Lion of the tribe of Judah will not tolerate His daughters being treated like garbage. He will not stand idly by while His precious daughters are ripped to shreds--forced to go through the unspeakable. I can feel His deep sorrow and He's asking us to turn the tide. To do the unthinkable and jump into darkness and bring light, bring freedom.

In Jesus' name and in His power we go.

We cannot fail.