Life is Not What You Expect--and Trust Takes Time

Hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh, oh
Only sound, only sound, that you hear is "no"
You never saw it coming
Slipped when you started running
And now you've come undone, and I, I, I, I

Seen you fall, seen you crawl, on your knees, eh, eh
Seen you lost in a crowd, seen your colors fade
Wish I could make it better
Someday you won't remember,
This pain you thought would last forever and ever

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

Just a shot, just a shot, in the dark, oh, oh
All you got, all you got, are your shattered hopes
They never saw it coming
You hit the ground running
And now you're on to something
I, I, I say

What a sight, what a sight, when the light came on
Proved me right, proved me right, when you proved them wrong
And in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction (fiction)

[Bridge]
I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud

I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud

And when they call your name
And they put your picture in a frame
You know that I'll be there time and again
'Cause I loved you when

When you hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh oh
Only sound, only sound that you heard was "no"
Now in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever (forever)

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction, fiction

Sweeter than fiction,
It's sweeter, yeah,
It's sweeter, it's sweeter,
Sweeter than fiction



Read more: Taylor Swift - Sweeter Than Fiction Lyrics | MetroLyrics

haha, I meant to post this video

but the last thing I copied happened to be the lyrics to that awesome Taylor Swift song (yes, I am one of her fans!) and I'll let it be. Take the hope from it--your journey is not over and when you do get to the beautiful place where God has destined to set you--we will all cheer! Hang in for the moment, if you're in the waiting--you're in good company :) Excellent company, worthy company, doesn't get better than what you find here! (Egotistical much? haha, I love writing ridiculous things!)

I like the afore mentioned video because--interestingly enough--it speaks to the audacity of relationships (all, but I'm thinking particularly of marriage) and how the trust we need to build these relationships takes time. Simple message, right, nothing super profound--but yet so many of us miss this! I'm just thinking out loud of the girls who will walk away into the dark with a boy who they just meet and are willing to do what's asked of them because he's cute. (Not that this happened anytime recently anywhere I have been...) I mean, self-respect, worthiness, loyalty, protecting your heart--do these exist?

Relationships take time, balance, precision (seriously, watch the video, it's so awesome) all of which are displayed in this Cirque de Soleil clip. By time, I mean--time! You do not fall in love with someone without putting the time in, being set in their presence more than once. And you can't keep falling in love with them and giving of yourself to them day after day and night after night if the time is too short--spend that precious commodity wisely.

Balance--aah! It just takes two to tango (this is where I can get it wrong--the tango scares me!!! haha) but seriously, it takes work and delight and speaking words of hope and affirmation into the relationship on both sides. You have to speak life into what is forming between you two--or it will die. (I've seen it! Grisly affair...) You can't be the only one moving forward--and you can't drag each other around. Balance--this is key. Balance in your ability to communicate, your intelligence levels (hopefully! haha, I'm just cracking myself up today), your needs, your dreams for the future--if these are slightly off, you must work at meeting each other--right?

Precision--intentionality...this is the choice to meet the other person where they are at, when you are in that moment with them, you are with them and them alone. Another person is not on your mind, you're not checking out your facebook wall--you are there. Because their life hangs in the balance, because you are the closest one to their heart, because its just to easy to get hurt if...if one of us forgets to care and lets go.

Because this is a do-or-die thing, jumping into relationships. God asks us to give of ourselves fully, to die to ourselves, in order to follow Him completely, with our whole heart. Something in me--that self preservation--has to die every day as I choose to be with God and do as He asks me to do. And I'm not good at that, I can promise you. But I'm a little closer today. My trust has grown past what it was a year ago, for certain. I am growing into this dance between Father, Son and Holy Spirit--finding my place. 

Marriage--isn't marriage a death? (Don't ask me why I can't write about anything but love and marriage lately--it is not intentionally, I just write what's in me, take it or leave it!) But seriously, when you begin a marriage, that day you are making a proclamation to die to yourself and all your worldly wants and where you thought you had to go in life--and instead care about him/her more than you will ever care about yourself. It's a death. It's letting go of having to have your own way and being in charge of your own body and all the coinciding that a life now lived together details--it's a death.

But isn't it also a life to something grander, something with more purpose? Sure, you had to give up your three hour video game sessions or your long nights in front of the TV watching the Bachelor--but weren't those things on the way to destroying you anyway? Yeah, you can't sleep with everything that moves--but that was just weird anyway! You should have never been that person! (heehee) It's almost like--now its being demanded of you that you are someone better than you planned to be and come hail or high water, s/he will drag that good person out of you.

Okay, it's really demanding. And no one is perfect, so you won't get it right. That's just the reality of the beast--but hey! If you choose to rise to this beloved persons expectations of what they think you could be then (with God's help) maybe you are that brave or smart or cunning or able to rescue the cat out of that tree. Just think of all you could do with all that love behind you. It's a little (or a lottle!) overwhelming.

But isn't that how God stands behind us? His love and all His plans are much grander than we could have ever picked out. "Hey, you there, yeah, you kid? (whispers His dream in your ear as your eyes go wide) Yup, that's about the sum of it! Go on, get out there!" And then you skip away, looking back at Him wonderingly, "He thinks I can...?"

It's a powerful force, love. It's a powerful love, knowing God has dreams for you that only you can accomplish. And you just have no idea how to go about them, but He'll be the one behind you, giving you strength, endurance, passion--isn't that such a bit of beauty, a new spark?--hope.

Hope. There is a big God and He has big dreams. He sent His Son to die, not so we would stand around wailing and lamenting it forever ("oh, how shameful am I! I can't believe He had to die for me!"--and I'm making fun of no one but myself as I write this. It's how I used to live) Rather, (and this is the creepy, scary, spooky part that a lot of people miss when they look at Christianity) we were made to be filled with His new life, the life even that brought Him back from the dead! It's like--we've been pretending that there was nothing left to do after you said you'd follow Jesus--so you just sit there, saying, "I follow Jesus!" And then all of a sudden, a lightning bolt strikes and God says, "Get moving! There's a world out there needs some saving--we've got to see them healed and renewed in body and soul and you 'uns are the ones to do it! Now scram!" And then He fills us up with His power and out we run.

Yup, that's about the size of it. (sidenote: Can you tell I just watched the play Oklahoma--my, my, I sure do pick up on the idiosyncrasies of language right quick and then they get stuck in my writing and speech. You should hear me after I've watched the comedian Will Reagan! and when I write after reading Lord of the Rings--oh Middle Earth! haha) Learning to move out of His love, not just have a knowledge of it.

So, trust...watch that video and tell me that you will put yourself in a jeopardizing situation, out in the dark with a boy you don't know. Tell me you're going to trust your life to anyone but Jesus. There are some things that there are no two ways about--trust takes time and putting your life into someone else's hands is a big deal. It is worth it--who wouldn't want all that love behind them?--but the choice must be made careful. These are the forever things, dontcha know?
 

Choosing to be Fearless

I need a....

I would love to have a...

If I could just pin it down and bend it to my will...

Sorry, I've never not had an opening line as I write. Usually I have my first sentence fully formed before I ever get to my blog page and then it just free flows from there (no, I do not write these ahead of time, edit them to death and then post them--surprised? Don't be...God knows I am a recovering perfectionist and if I didn't just get out all I was thinking and feeling--with no looking back--it would never appear on this page. Hence the sometimes too much information/slightly strange posts. Hey, you're the one reading it! I didn't twist your arm!) Back to real life...blog life...whatever! (throws her hands up in the air) 

The point is, I want to understand love. I want to have it figured out to the "T" so I no longer have to obsess about it the way our freakin' modern culture does constantly. I want to pin it down, strangle it if I have to and understand it completely. I don't want it to be messy or unpredictable or not go my way--I want it mine and I want it now.

And that's why I have so many issues! I am being slightly ironic in this post, but the way I feel about love and how I wish it would behave just goes to show how far I must go in order to learn its secrets. I hate that I can't control--but that is loves very definition. No one has it pinned down or gets it right--we all stumble and mumble through it and a few of us (maybe they really are the lucky ones--or maybe they're just normal people with the same insane amount of issues who choose to be fearless) make it to the marriage altar and vow to stay together FOREVER!

Oh, man...I'm like one of those guys with commitment issues--except I'M NOT A GUY!! Haha, you just have to laugh.

But seriously, forever freaks me out. Maybe just because I overthink EVERYTHING constantly and can't help but analyze my life to death (I also pray, which keeps me from being a witless ninny--God helps me face life :)) but the idea of marriage is a LONG idea...it doesn't end (in my book) until one or the other of you keels over and dies.

See, that would be the end of my thought process--expect I started to fall in love once. The madness of that infatuation stage goes beyond what they show you in movies with the staring into your eyes deeply and never wanting to look away and the taking a walk by yourself for an hour and a half, just talking it out with God to try to get him out of your head only to having it destroyed by seeing him for fifteen minutes. Listening to his stories of his childhood (really, only got to hear one--wish there were more) and hearing his heart as he talked about the world and just wanting to be around him. I couldn't get enough. 

But I was too afraid--and stuck on my own idea about what my world would look like--and I wasn't fair and I sent mixed signals all the time and never, ever did I want to keep him from his dreams--and I didn't think those dreams could hold me. (Cause I'm my own God, right, and I know.) I didn't choose to be fearless, to risk it all and see what could be--I let it go...

And I just want to know what love is...because I think I botched my chance at learning to love fearlessly and I need God in the middle of all of that. 

I was reading Thomas Merton today and I just got stuck on one paragraph and then it made me cry:

"Let us, therefore, learn to pass from one imperfect activity to another without worrying too much about what we are missing. It is true that we make many mistakes. But the biggest of them all is to be surprised at them: as if we had some hope of never making any."

My theme for the year is both "Letting Go" and "Consecration". I don't know how those two could possibly exist in the same--universe? mind? sentence? They're diametrically opposed to one another--they'll never come into rhythm together. But maybe that's how God works--in all the ways we'd never expect Him to, except that we gave Him a chance. Maybe that's exactly what love is--facing the impossible with hope, knowing that you are not alone as you take this journey. Maybe the only way to love is to let go of all your thoughts and intentions and place them in the hands of another, trusting that they care enough for you to take the best care of you that they are possibly able to. I never understood that--my mistake...

I have to get used to my mistakes--forgive myself and move on and quit being so surprised at what they are and what they teach me. My small life matters--and He will keep loving me past my own insecurities and failures for the rest of my life--I never have to question that. Can you imagine the goodness of God?

Oh I needed to get that off my chest.

So...this year I will--choose life, mistakes and all, and learn to enjoy it for what it is. I will allow my heart to heal and continue to hope. I will stop trying to control all my outcomes and lean into love, His good, never-changing love. Whatever is around my corners is good.

I just want you (dear reader) to know that my feelings for that boy--ah, man!--have changed. God taught me forgiveness (for the poor dear had no idea what he was doing, his affect on me) and not to be ashamed of how I had felt ("How could you let someone you knew so little of get so far into your heart?" was the lie from the enemy that used to shame me).  My heart goes on...(cue Titanic music)

Love will make its way to me, steadily, softly--in the meantime, God has shown me more love in my lifetime than many know in any marriage. I am not ashamed to say that He is all I need. My life is in His hands--horrendous mistakes and all--and there is always hope! 

There is always hope.

Some more Merton, from No Man is an Island:

"It is, therefore, a very great thing to be little, which is to say: to be ourselves."

"A multitude of badly performed actions and of experiences only half-lived exhausts and depletes our being."

"It may happen that a man who is able to accomplish very little is much more of a person than another who seems to accomplish very much."

"A man who fails well is greater than one who succeeds badly."

"For we cannot make the best of what we are, if our hearts are always divided between what we are and what we are not."

"But, above all, we must learn our own weakness in order to awaken to a new order of action and being--and experience God Himself accomplishing in us the things we find impossible."

That's love for me. 

Love...what?!

I think I write most of the time so I can learn about myself. Maybe that's wrong. Maybe it helps someone else. Maybe it doesn't matter--in any case, I have to do it.

I have a really weird life right now--in Jim Elliot's autobiography Shadow of the Almighty, his wife calls it the "test of free time". Jim had one year where he spent most of his time at his parent's house, helping out there in any way he could, jobless. I totally understand that, and felt totally reassured when I read about it in their book the summer after I moved home. It was a little hope, you know? (which is sometimes all you need) in a season where I wasn't very sure of anything. Jim Eliott's life didn't stop, in fact, he got married and made it to the mission field--and so, my life could get somewhere too.

Sometimes I fail my test--a whole day goes by with nothing much to show for it...in my judgment.  But sometimes...the movie or TV show I watch is the one I needed to see...

I watched a movie recently, loved the plot, etc. and so I looked up the screenwriter. She is brilliant at what she does and one of her TV shows is called "My So-Called Life". It's so good for me, you know? I have someone in my life who I keep loving on and just never understanding--our stories are so different! And the way she reacts to an environment that I also went through (high school) seems psychotic to me! Then I watch this TV show--it just helps, you know? This person I love is not crazy--just making some strange choices which we will help see her through. She's going to be okay.

Then, the last scene between father and daughter in the show really struck me. He and she were talking about boys, the father trying to find out if she had been on a date, etc. This is their conversation:
Angela: ...people just hang out. They're not dates just...people in a bunch.
Graham: So is their someone else then that you like? It's okay to like someone, but I mean, boys your age, can sometimes...
Angela: Dad, I know... Can sometimes what?
Graham: Can sometimes not know how to be what you want them to be. My point is that, it's really hard to figure out how to be a man. Practically every man I know is still working on it.

Well put. I didn't expect that--but it's the truest thing. I have been that person, that girl, who wants so much but doesn't allow the man in her life to learn--just writes him off. I hope I'm changing.

Love is a strange and often misunderstood thing.

"I Can't Sleep with Her! We Have History Together!"

I'm trying to see my life through new eyes...

I think--no, I know I grew up afraid. Afraid to get in other people's way, afriad to be a bother--how else do you explain a six-year-old choosing to walk home from school (more than a few miles across busy roads) because she thought the office ladies were "too busy"?

I think a lot of us grew up afraid. Courage is in short supply, especially in America. I mean, most of us walk around with our head down, afraid to meet the eyes of the people around us. Who taught us that? Why is that okay?

I just want something different.

This one is hard to write, because its too personal, it cuts too close to home, it reveals too much of my heart. But I'm learning, as I go through this life, that often the hardest subjects to bring up are the ones that need the most talking about--they need to come out into the open. So I admit it--I'm not good at loving. I grew up in a fear-based, controlling environment (a lot of things helped me realize this, such as reading Danny Silk's book, Keep Your Love On and the fight I've had against fear my whole life--which Jesus is helping me win!) and I'm almost as bad at loving as the main character in the movie, "Just Friends".

But I realized something--you can change. The guy from that movie did (I really wouldn't recommend the video except for the fact that he got it right at the end) and he's not real...why wouldn't I be able to? One of my best moments from that movie wasn't the end, but actually when they finally really connected, then she proposed "staying the night" like old times (they were best friends in high school and slept over but nothing happened then), then they shared a bed--and he couldn't/wouldn't make a move!

You know why? The next morning, when he's talking with a guy friend he says, "I can't sleep with Jamie! We  have history together!"

Ahhh! Is anybody seeing how wonderfully this silly character tacked onto a point--you can't just sleep with someone who you actually care about. He really loved her and he couldn't use her.

I got stuck in Ephesians today and especially Ephesians 5 (seems to be a theme in my life--weirdly! I'm not married!). The chapter starts out talking about how as people given new life in Christ with a new perspective and identity (this is what the preceding chapters talk about) we should walk in love. We do not partner with those who do deeds of darkness (love alliteration!) but rather expose them and be filled with God's Spirit. Then this chapter on love ends by talking about ultimate expression of love: the love between a husband and wife.

See, this is why we crave "love" so and search for it so hard and fast--something in us knows that this is the one thing we need more than any other. It is the most powerful of relationships bar none. It literally keeps people together for years and when you see it in action it can take your breath away. We know this--but we don't know how to get this.

Because we have taken the cross out of love.

Instead of seeing what it can do for the other person, we have made it for ourselves. We have chosen to put our trust in our ability to produce in someone and pull from them the love we need...and then we see it fail, time and time again.

Because that's not the way it works. And that was never the example set for us. Check it out:

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.²⁸ In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

If any of you feel like you missed the mark, you're not alone. If any of you feel like the call is too large or you've missed the mark--there's grace! Jesus not only forgives, He also empowers those who belong to Him. Life will come as you follow His example: submitting, sacrificing, loving and respecting. This is not a winner-takes-all deal--He never wanted it to be that way. It's a Jesus-reigns-supreme kind of game--that's the choice you can make in your marriage. And don't yell at me when you both become more alive and hopeful as you learn to live this way!

I want to love my husband well, as much as I am enabled to, from the day I meet him until the day I die. I don't know what that looks like. It scares me. Even today I was telling God, "I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm awful at reciprocating love, letting people too close, etc. " But I believe He knows me and He knows him and He'll teach us as we go. He better send me someone I can respect! (haha) and I will learn to submit--and the goal of our marriage will be to put Christ on display. May He (Christ) love you too as you go forth on this journey--preparing for your marriage doesn't start after you get engaged and certainly doesn't start when you start dating--the time is NOW! May Jesus be your all in all and may He get the glory in how you choose to do relationship--with your significant other and otherwise!

Purity

I know I should still be writing this essay...ha ha

But I just felt like writing about the goodness of God.

Have you know His goodness lately? Its like a blanket, a comfort wrapping you up so completely--and its like a hug from a friend who really understands--and He really understands.

I was standing in worship last night, no, I think I was sitting at that point, and I was suddenly there but not there--there was white light all around, so pure and holy, light like I'd never seen anywhere--and then there was Jesus and He was handing me something...or was I handing it to Him? I can't be sure, I just know we both were holding onto this heart and it was pure white like the light all around it. Names had been written on it, but they'd all been searing (I think that's the right word) of the surface of that heart and now it was whole, clean, no stain upon it--and then there was one name written across that heart--His name, Jesus.

May we live lives of purity, so much so that the only name written on our hearts is His. And let this be known--Jesus sees no stain on you. He's given you His name, to guard and defend your purity and He's given you His heart to go forth into the world and love. May that be your anchor and your tower of refuge, His name which is above all other names and His love, found in knowing Him deeply, and His righteousness, which is now ours, because we are His sons and daughters. Don't let anything draw you from that purity...I know I need to watch myself and my heart. I love that God is with us on this--He's doing the work, just as we are. Like that verse I ran across just a little while ago: "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." Philippians 2:12-13

Keep dancing before Him and with Him. Remember that you are never alone. Jesus is always by your side, just waiting for you to reach out to Him. Take all your dreams and place them in His hands. He knows what to do with them.

He is good!

Here in the Waiting with Jesus

Today is a little hard, but Jesus and I are making it together. I rejoice in Him and He really is worth waiting on. When the time comes I will go to Haiti. Meanwhile I watch and pray...I don't want any other Lover.

The words I got for the Haiti team can be found in John 14:
¹²"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father.
¹³"Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
¹⁴"If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it."
How powerful is that? May that team (which left today) call on Jesus' name together. I will be calling out on thier behalf too, every morning at 6 AM. May they have grace and strength, know His peace and let their hearts be broken. May they be opened to how much we need Jesus, and then find in Him strength.