S.A.D. day--or is it?? haha, read on!!!

 

I’m always taken care of on Valentine’s Day…

I had my own plans this year—a friend and I were going to hang out, do silly things like a photo scavenger hunt at the mall and watching sappy movies and eating heart shaped pizzas—but those fell through unexpectedly. I was invited in to the other plans but I knew it wasn’t the right thing for me at that time (you just know) so I let the moment pass. I was sad—really disappointed—for about an hour but then I…let it go.

Last year on Valentine's Day I was a sub in a first grade class—little children who barely knew me handed me their home grown cards. I was surrounded by little people (foreshadowing perhaps? I think so--this year I've got a whole class full of them!) and I was happy.

My students blessed me today. Of course, they brought in their little valentines (some with candy) for their friends but they didn’t forget me! I was shocked, honestly. An awesome "I love you" balloon, a huge chocolate kiss, two of those ridiculous heart shaped packages packed themselves with chocolate--a boyfriend couldn't have done better if he'd tried :) They just blessed me beyond measure--it's something that kids do...give freely of themselves. I ended that day feeling so full...and I'm realizinfg that this fulfillment and contentment is become evermore a pattern in my life. It's been so long since I had days like this that it's almost bizarre to me--and it makes me savor it all the more. 

There is a saying, "You can't love a good man, until you've loved a bad one." I don't know how true that is but I do know that depth is created out of sorrow--you're capacity for joy has inadvertently developed and grown as you have traveled through deep loneliness and grief. We created to live deeply--I am priviliged to know more than an ordinary, bland existence--even if that existence can sometimes have it's fill of pain--it just makes the pleasure that much more to be anticipated and enjoyed.

My life is full—and it became full without me really realizing or trying to make it that way. I have beautiful people who speak into my life consistently, I am known, I am well liked by my peers—and none of this happens because I made it so. If there is anything I have learned this year, it is that the most beautiful things happen when you let go. When you don’t know what’s around the corner or how the story ends and you let life play itself out—fall into God’s lap, so to speak—that’s when the magic, the impossible (improbable) happens and your life is made beautiful for you.

My life is being made beautiful for me.

I hadn’t expected that. My throwback thinking still has me trying to prove myself, to earn the love that is so freely given to me! I can’t seem to escape needing to justify my existence and show that I am worth all that has been given to me. Grace is a beautiful lesson that the Lord has had to fill my life with over and over again—because I don’t understand it and so He has to immerse me in it, make me experience it over and over again, trying to help me see that there is a new way, there is life to be lived and it doesn't all depend on me.

Grace is so safe—in a dangerous way. Even now, I simply don’t understand it. When I allow His life giving words to flow over me and finally penetrate my heart (I am proud of you. You are a gem. I have plans for you. I see your beauty and your heart for me. My butterfly.), when I truly let myself sit back and contemplate His life that He poured out for me so that I might live free and hopeful—it’s too overwhelming. Every day becomes Valentine’s Day for me, the uncovered gift, freely given—you get to live free! You get to hope! You get to see beyond what the world says is your destiny into all that the Lord has planned for you! You get to move forward completely reliant on His power rather than your own! You get to live filled with His love, just basking in it, overwhelmed by it!

I thought I would spend today fighting loneliness—I should have known better. He anticipates every need and has already moved forward to fill it in—and more abundantly than I could ever anticipate and plan for. He catches me off guard every day as I wake up and come into His presence—like my kids showing up with an abundance of Valentine’s—I simply never lack when I choose Him. 

Happy Valentines Day all those who are Beloved of the Lord. Remember as you celebrate this day that true love is sacrifice—and ultimate sacrifice, ultimate love, is a giving away of your life. Remember the one who gave away His love for you and choose to move forward in His power, overwhelmed by all He is and has for us. He is more than you know—find your life in Him, true life and remember to live free!!! It’s His gift to us—no worries or frustrations or endless anxiety—but rather perfect peace as we pray, His Presence as we worship and His love flowing out as we live this life in Him.  He died for that—for you—you are worth all the chocolates in the world and many more flowers. The loving sacrifice of the God man shows that.

Life is Not What You Expect--and Trust Takes Time

Hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh, oh
Only sound, only sound, that you hear is "no"
You never saw it coming
Slipped when you started running
And now you've come undone, and I, I, I, I

Seen you fall, seen you crawl, on your knees, eh, eh
Seen you lost in a crowd, seen your colors fade
Wish I could make it better
Someday you won't remember,
This pain you thought would last forever and ever

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

Just a shot, just a shot, in the dark, oh, oh
All you got, all you got, are your shattered hopes
They never saw it coming
You hit the ground running
And now you're on to something
I, I, I say

What a sight, what a sight, when the light came on
Proved me right, proved me right, when you proved them wrong
And in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction (fiction)

[Bridge]
I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud

I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud

And when they call your name
And they put your picture in a frame
You know that I'll be there time and again
'Cause I loved you when

When you hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh oh
Only sound, only sound that you heard was "no"
Now in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever (forever)

[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction, fiction

Sweeter than fiction,
It's sweeter, yeah,
It's sweeter, it's sweeter,
Sweeter than fiction



Read more: Taylor Swift - Sweeter Than Fiction Lyrics | MetroLyrics

haha, I meant to post this video

but the last thing I copied happened to be the lyrics to that awesome Taylor Swift song (yes, I am one of her fans!) and I'll let it be. Take the hope from it--your journey is not over and when you do get to the beautiful place where God has destined to set you--we will all cheer! Hang in for the moment, if you're in the waiting--you're in good company :) Excellent company, worthy company, doesn't get better than what you find here! (Egotistical much? haha, I love writing ridiculous things!)

I like the afore mentioned video because--interestingly enough--it speaks to the audacity of relationships (all, but I'm thinking particularly of marriage) and how the trust we need to build these relationships takes time. Simple message, right, nothing super profound--but yet so many of us miss this! I'm just thinking out loud of the girls who will walk away into the dark with a boy who they just meet and are willing to do what's asked of them because he's cute. (Not that this happened anytime recently anywhere I have been...) I mean, self-respect, worthiness, loyalty, protecting your heart--do these exist?

Relationships take time, balance, precision (seriously, watch the video, it's so awesome) all of which are displayed in this Cirque de Soleil clip. By time, I mean--time! You do not fall in love with someone without putting the time in, being set in their presence more than once. And you can't keep falling in love with them and giving of yourself to them day after day and night after night if the time is too short--spend that precious commodity wisely.

Balance--aah! It just takes two to tango (this is where I can get it wrong--the tango scares me!!! haha) but seriously, it takes work and delight and speaking words of hope and affirmation into the relationship on both sides. You have to speak life into what is forming between you two--or it will die. (I've seen it! Grisly affair...) You can't be the only one moving forward--and you can't drag each other around. Balance--this is key. Balance in your ability to communicate, your intelligence levels (hopefully! haha, I'm just cracking myself up today), your needs, your dreams for the future--if these are slightly off, you must work at meeting each other--right?

Precision--intentionality...this is the choice to meet the other person where they are at, when you are in that moment with them, you are with them and them alone. Another person is not on your mind, you're not checking out your facebook wall--you are there. Because their life hangs in the balance, because you are the closest one to their heart, because its just to easy to get hurt if...if one of us forgets to care and lets go.

Because this is a do-or-die thing, jumping into relationships. God asks us to give of ourselves fully, to die to ourselves, in order to follow Him completely, with our whole heart. Something in me--that self preservation--has to die every day as I choose to be with God and do as He asks me to do. And I'm not good at that, I can promise you. But I'm a little closer today. My trust has grown past what it was a year ago, for certain. I am growing into this dance between Father, Son and Holy Spirit--finding my place. 

Marriage--isn't marriage a death? (Don't ask me why I can't write about anything but love and marriage lately--it is not intentionally, I just write what's in me, take it or leave it!) But seriously, when you begin a marriage, that day you are making a proclamation to die to yourself and all your worldly wants and where you thought you had to go in life--and instead care about him/her more than you will ever care about yourself. It's a death. It's letting go of having to have your own way and being in charge of your own body and all the coinciding that a life now lived together details--it's a death.

But isn't it also a life to something grander, something with more purpose? Sure, you had to give up your three hour video game sessions or your long nights in front of the TV watching the Bachelor--but weren't those things on the way to destroying you anyway? Yeah, you can't sleep with everything that moves--but that was just weird anyway! You should have never been that person! (heehee) It's almost like--now its being demanded of you that you are someone better than you planned to be and come hail or high water, s/he will drag that good person out of you.

Okay, it's really demanding. And no one is perfect, so you won't get it right. That's just the reality of the beast--but hey! If you choose to rise to this beloved persons expectations of what they think you could be then (with God's help) maybe you are that brave or smart or cunning or able to rescue the cat out of that tree. Just think of all you could do with all that love behind you. It's a little (or a lottle!) overwhelming.

But isn't that how God stands behind us? His love and all His plans are much grander than we could have ever picked out. "Hey, you there, yeah, you kid? (whispers His dream in your ear as your eyes go wide) Yup, that's about the sum of it! Go on, get out there!" And then you skip away, looking back at Him wonderingly, "He thinks I can...?"

It's a powerful force, love. It's a powerful love, knowing God has dreams for you that only you can accomplish. And you just have no idea how to go about them, but He'll be the one behind you, giving you strength, endurance, passion--isn't that such a bit of beauty, a new spark?--hope.

Hope. There is a big God and He has big dreams. He sent His Son to die, not so we would stand around wailing and lamenting it forever ("oh, how shameful am I! I can't believe He had to die for me!"--and I'm making fun of no one but myself as I write this. It's how I used to live) Rather, (and this is the creepy, scary, spooky part that a lot of people miss when they look at Christianity) we were made to be filled with His new life, the life even that brought Him back from the dead! It's like--we've been pretending that there was nothing left to do after you said you'd follow Jesus--so you just sit there, saying, "I follow Jesus!" And then all of a sudden, a lightning bolt strikes and God says, "Get moving! There's a world out there needs some saving--we've got to see them healed and renewed in body and soul and you 'uns are the ones to do it! Now scram!" And then He fills us up with His power and out we run.

Yup, that's about the size of it. (sidenote: Can you tell I just watched the play Oklahoma--my, my, I sure do pick up on the idiosyncrasies of language right quick and then they get stuck in my writing and speech. You should hear me after I've watched the comedian Will Reagan! and when I write after reading Lord of the Rings--oh Middle Earth! haha) Learning to move out of His love, not just have a knowledge of it.

So, trust...watch that video and tell me that you will put yourself in a jeopardizing situation, out in the dark with a boy you don't know. Tell me you're going to trust your life to anyone but Jesus. There are some things that there are no two ways about--trust takes time and putting your life into someone else's hands is a big deal. It is worth it--who wouldn't want all that love behind them?--but the choice must be made careful. These are the forever things, dontcha know?
 

Scared Straight

I've been scared all my life.

I would hardly try anything new as a child--thank God learning to read was super easy for me or school would have been an awful chore. I never learned to ride a bike, would sit it out at a skating rink and only learned to swim because my parents forced me to.

A whole life...lived out of fear.

It's wild to get perspective on your life and realize what has been controlling you and even punishing you throughout all your years...wild to stand up and start to see the patterns and then realize, "I sure as heck don't want to live that way anymore!" I didn't learn to drive until I was eighteen and got my license at twenty-two (after graduating from college!). I drove away/neglected people I could have loved because fear dwelt so deep in me--it affected me in more ways than even I can pinpoint at this time.

But the glory on my life--and yours!--is that He sees very well the way that Satan has tried to steal from, kill in and destroy us--and His remedy is near.

Let me tell you a story.

Once there was a beautiful Princess who lived in a large tower. The tower kept her safe, locked away from the world, but it was also stifling. As the Princess looked out the window, she became increasingly more frightened by all she saw. Villagers grinning up at her looked like terrible monsters. Handsome young men were giants ready to attack. Small children seemed like little imps out to do her no good. Her fears continually overwhelmed her until she wouldn't even look up anymore from the dark corner she cowered in. It was all too much.

One day a handsome young Prince, her intended, rode up to the castle gates. He gazed up at the tower she was trapped in with a searching, unexplainable look--everyone wondered what he would do. The villagers all knew the Princess was hopelessly lost in her fears, they'd spoken about it many times, but the Prince wouldn't be content with this. He knew there was something more for her, for them together, and he was willing to do whatever it took to capture her gaze, earn her trust and teach her to love.

He rode over the drawbridge, up to the castle gates and passed through, fire in his eyes and love in his smile. His graceful mien was glorious to behold. He knew what he was about to do: he asked the Princess to dance.

She, with groping fingers, could barely dare to touch his hand, but she gave in. At first she couldn't even look into his eyes...the fear was too close. He asked for one dance each day and then went on his way. In time, his gracious devotion stole her heart. She ventured to gaze up at this man who would choose to love her, tentatively at first but then with greater and greater confidence. Soon, she was laughing, loving, enjoying the dance. Finally the wedding day came and a much changed Princess entered the room. Fear was no longer around her eyes, lingering at her fingertips--it had been chased away by pure love. She knew that she was the Beloved and that nothing could change that. The faithful devotion on the part of her Prince had reached in and healed the core of who she was. No matter what anyone else had spoken over her life or the lies which tried to surface--all passed away as she was swept up in the dance, looking into the eyes of her Prince. This confident hope could not be shaken--and it never was.

The Prince and Princess dwelt in her kingdom for many years until it was time for him to ascend his throne. Under his love, she became a gracious, lovely woman who saw many through their hurts and hang ups and always called them into the dance. Every ball was a sight to behold! Many joined in the dance as the Princess and her Prince waltzed through the room. Their pure joy at being together brought joy to those who witnessed it--it changed the entire kingdom. Then one day, the Princess became a Queen, ruling alongside her Beloved. Her dreams had more than come true.

This story is not only mine--it belongs to many others. Wherever your life has brought you, whatever stage you are at with your Prince--whether desperately afraid, tentatively peeking into His eyes or rejoicing in the dance, I pray you continue ever more earnestly to look into His eyes. Truth, strength, joy, love--there is enough for you. He has promised to see us through to the end and if you will let Him, you will dance together through this life.

Look into His eyes.

Abide.

I've been scared straight into His arms.

My King is in Love with Me!

I'm sitting in a crowded Starbucks, feeling slightly sleepy and overwhelmed, but happy.

I have a lot going on...first SOLO!!! week of student teaching just passed (five more days to go in second grade!), life, TPA's (don't get me started)...all the lots of stuff. And yet, in the midst of this crazy, Jesus is calling. And the crazier thing--I'm listening.

I feel like the past few weeks God has been calling me to fall in love with Him again. Love Me, sing for Me, He says...and I have been. It's like a reawakening--and there have been things that tried to stop it. Remember that guy I liked? God has brought healing out of all that and through it--I can basically hang out with him and be normal now (more normal than ever before :) but for some reason, my mind kept going back to it the last month. I would just be in a tizzy (I like that word) for no reason--I hadn't even seen him recently! Finally two weeks ago one of my friends prayed for me for it and I have literally been freed all over again. JESUS! THAT is a GREAT feeling :) More and more freedom...and then I was feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed by my life (Robin trying to do all the work on her own...yikes!) that I literally made myself sick. That was one of the worst days of my life. But God reminded me in that time that I need to really lean into Him for all my strength and support--He has to be my Rock, or I am totally unable.  

And then last night happened--oh crazy, let me tell you about it! Worship night at the Stirring with Jesus bringing me completely to me my knees and then just kneeling before Him, crying out--for Haiti, for Redding, for His bride who needs Him so and must be brought back to Him. I worshipped with all that I had--you know the feeling (maybe)--pouring out my life before Him for whatever He has--Haiti or otherwise--and then we stopped.

The worship leaders told us that they felt as though God just wanted us to spend the next few minutes with Him, speaking to us, touching us, individually. He talked about his son, his five month old (Jenna's baby!) and how Samuel will sometimes be looking everywhere but at His dad. His little eyes dart around and all that that dad wants is for his son to look at him and know how intensely he loves him. We do that with God. We're looking everywhere else, and we don't allow Him to just look us in the eyes and love us. So, for the next few minutes, we were to give God our undivided attention--look Him straight in the eyes.

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I have spent the better part of the last year not looking God in the eye--and it's partly because I'm afraid of what I'll see. What if all those deep desires (the ones that, for heaven's sake!, He's putting in me) don't get fulfilled? What if what He has for me is something I can't stomach and don't want? What if...? And isn't that the worst, isn't that distrust to its fullest? I'm afraid of the God of the universe and what He'll do for me. But God got past all of that last night, miraculously. Perhpas I was finally able to say that He is good and He always does what is good because I have seen it for the last two months of my life. Joy, fullness, hope--they have all been my portion in this season which I was afraid would be one of the driest of my life. I see and know more than ever before that if God is my portion and He is the one leading in my life it all ends in good: in joy, hope, trust, such life! So I worshipped Him and celebrated Him for being that in my life last night...and then He spoke to me (if you can call pictures words :)

We were sitting there, in the dark, my eyes closed and suddenly, I was in a garden, glowing with life and vitality, total purity and I was dressed in white. I knew this was my garden with God and I was smiling up at Him--those smiles that light up your face and He said, "My Bride." I'm tearing up even thinking about it. See, this is one of those deep secret desires that I have had planted in my life lately--one which I had not even given voice to, it was too painful. I hadn't even been consciously aware of it, this desire. I wanted to be a bride so badly, but I just didn't ever see it happening, so even though it is such a vital part of my heart--just crying out!--I shut it down (or tried to). But last night God spoke directly to that part of my heart. He answered that cry as only our God can: You are My Bride. You are all I ever dreamed of or planned or hoped you would be. You fulfill it all.

I wept--maybe with relief. It was such a brilliant, beautiful picture and to know that I am His treasured One and He looks on me as a bride...I can't help but stand in wonder. Jesus is all I will ever need.

Jesus is all I will ever need.

Jesus is all I will ever need.

And I know that will be fought against and there is still a battle to be won; but this I also know: I am His.

And He is mine.

Beautiful bride....beautiful bride...beautiful bride...

Here's to Your return Jesus! Come soon!

Back to the world of Starbucks and TPA's...but somehow it seems filled with glory now.

My King loves me. I can rest content in Him.

True Love

I was inspired by a friend of a friend to write again on this blog...her name is Kallie and she's going through a hard time right about now. The best way to describe it is a heart torn in two...

I don't know Kallie, but she did something for me. She showed me, just through her blog posts, that I am not alone. I am not the only one who wonders at her brokenness and is searching for a way to move forward. I have truly been healed beyond my capacity to tell in the last few months since school started...but there is far to go.

I feel far from God...or maybe its just that our relationship has changed. I feel sometimes that my life is too full--I don't know where He fits. And I want to know that. But then I realize that it is in every moment that I find Him alive and living in me. I don't spend an hour a day alone to read His word in the midst of nature (my favorite!) but I spend four hours with Him at kindergarten, nine a week at school, four at tutoring (I don't have a tutor, I tutor other kids--that was a joke) and He makes Himself known in all the other bits and pieces of my life: chilling with roommates, worshipping, doing homework.....

And though this season feels different than the others did, I find it is enough. It isn't what I do that pleases God...its my heart. I make mistakes and I sometimes feel like I waste my time or do the wrong thing or am useless, but all that falls away when He bends close. Its those moments, just me and Him, where I see the world fall away and all that matters is the look in His eye. And though I would tell you that I'm not worth much...not even loved by anyone special...that look in His eye tells me different.

See, we weren't made for just earthly love, oh no! There's so much more, so much precious treasure! Earthly love can and does grow cold...only an eternal heart flame stays bright forever. I thought I'd missed out--but I think I've just fallen into the midst of a bigger, brighter love than all that I had hoped for. Isn't it funny? My Jesus loves me...