Standing in the Middle of the Street

I've never stared at the blank place where blog pages begin for so long before...I even want to escape it, not put into words the feelings and thoughts pinging through me but the feeling is there, maybe the one that comes to every writer, but I know it especially as mine: that feeling of words in me pelting at my brain until they are put into a proper form, for others to read--even if that other is only ever me. I can't keep in what is happening in this mind of mine, there's something here that God or whoever directs this crazy world is forcing me to push forward.

haha...so here we are, you (hopefully) captive audience and I a lonely artist toiling away--but this is the work that I could pour the rest of my life and perhaps more into, so this will come forth, a spring of words that hopefully becomes more than just marks on a page, bringing forth light and hope and maybe a bit more of an understanding of this crazy God who loved so much that He would choose to save a whole world by the death of His Son: it's a wild story and it will never make sense.

I'm learning to live again and see life where death was, but it doesn't take away from what happened before. There are moments--such as a few minutes ago--where something triggers a flashback. I was playing a normal game with a group of people and started to get so agitated...and I didn't know why. The game involved a lot of shouting and we were in two teams so you were pitted against each other and after playing for an hour I couldn't stand it anymore. It was so frustrating to be stuck in that place. I went to my room afterward and cried, trying to figure out what it was that had me so agitated. And I realized it was this: disharmony was starting to build in the room as the game went on and people were shouting to each other and though I knew I was safe  and that no one was really mad, it triggered something (you've had this happen to you). You were fine and then you get put into a certain set of circumstances and you react--for me, the shouting and atmosphere we had created as a team as we played felt very much like how it felt when my family would fight together. I knew, mentally, that it was a different situation, but subconsciously I was prepared for and acting as though I were in that situation again. Everyone else was having fun playing the game and I was just trying to survive it.

We live broken. We try so hard to put our lives together and make enough money and run our lives well--and we all have places and situations and people that create this tension in us that we want to escape. Each human is so complicated and bent and broken, each with their own story and hang ups and lostness--we are able to see the similarities and celebrate them but at the end of the day, only God alone and yourself know why you are the way you are and how you operate There is a loneliness in being you that, if you never learn to interact with your Creator, will never subside. The feeling that only you are you--and that is wonderful and your unique voice is needed and life, the life that is life inside of you, is good and needed and brings even more life as (hopefully) you reflect this God who loves and loved to create you but...

I'm learning that life is constant pushing forward against the tide which keeps us all separate, a constant realignment with the truth you know about yourself, who you are, your situation. There have been moments this week when I have felt so alone...such as standing on the street last night, holding a bucket, standing there in the dark trying to collect money from strangers. (We were fundraising to get money for our sponsor trainees--students who come to our Discipleship Training School from third world countries). It was weird to stand there in the dark and face the onslaught...

It's where we all stand when we are without hope. We are all the kids on a corner, holding out an empty bucket, hoping that those who go by will see us, stop and choose to toss in a few coins. It is strange to be faced with the stark reality of a human soul on a cold Irish night: that we are all traveling together toward what we don't understand, all trying to cope with what the world has placed in us or thrown at us or refused to give us.

We all are completely without a clue.

But then I came home--threw off everything that had been keeping me warm, but also kept me from being close--and was enfolded again in this family that I have gotten to adopt in these last months. And to be out of the cold...and known...and accepted even! Those are the moments in life that fill you with such joy and peace in believing.

Because we may have started out our lives as orphans, separated from God and each other, just standing there staring into the lights hoping to create a life from what others can hand us--but then, suddenly, someone takes our hand and we look up and find a Father--and He's so good! He leads us home, lets us into the front door and shows us the family we were always created to be in the middle of.

It's like the story of Cosette from Les Miserables, the girl poorly taken care of by innkeepers who was suddenly taken care of and brought into family. This is her song, sung right before he comes to her rescue after her mother's death:

There is a castle on a cloud,
I like to go there in my sleep,
Aren't any floors for me to sweep,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a room that's full of toys.
There are a hundred boys and girls.
Nobody shouts or talks too loud,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a lady all in white,
Holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,
She says, "Cosette, I love you very much."

I know a place where no one's lost,
I know a place where no one cries,
Crying at all is not allowed,
Not in my castle on a cloud. 

We all pray to find our castle on a cloud, and when we do find it ...well, that's salvation. That's the miracle of being whisked away from the street and all that would hurt you and finding that you have a life to be lived: right in front of you, given to you by Him and full of much more joy and hope and possibilities than anything you could have created yourself. 

So here we are...parts of our street life still breaking in and causing us pain as we remember where we have been and still live out life as well as we can, constantly crying out as He allows us; but overall, hope found and enough strength in His arms to carry us through whatever this life may throw, scream or dance us into.

He's enough--and so is His rescue.

Love is enough.

When Love Comes...

Every once in a great while, something extraordinary happens. An epiphany comes, seemingly out of nowhere, and your life is no longer the same. That’s what happened to me tonight…

I go to the Stirring every weekend at 6pm, religiously. I was feeling a bit obstinate today, so I got there late, sat alone, worship had already started. As we worshipped I was so intent, like I’d never been before. I could hardly sing or move around (very unusual for me). I gradually became aware that I felt like a newly married bride—just wanting to be near her husband, hungry for him, not sure if she could spend a day without him. That’s the strength and intensity of the desire I felt. It was just bizarre. It took me over…no other focus. I just wanted to be with my God, look Him in the face and hear the words He had to say to me. I never wanted anything more; I’ll never want anything more—just to be with Him.

Needless to say, I was a mess. When they started preaching, I immediately knew I needed to leave. I am a shy, rule oriented person, so standing up in the middle of a church service, gathering my things and walking out the door is not the norm for me. But there was almost a roaring in my ears and I couldn’t even focus, I knew I had to just go, Go, GO!

I left—and as I drove away I began to realize what all this was welling up inside. All my life, I have been chasing after other lovers. All my life…Each one got taken away from me, or I chose to leave them (mostly they were taken, with my consent). I mean, I loved my cat with all my heart, I loved Haiti, I loved S-----…when those weren’t going on, my heart was always searching, creating little love affairs. I loved so many—in my poor way—though they never knew. I was too afraid to publicly love—that would require risk. So I built shadows of the dream that love is, and was content, in my way, with these…I knew no other way.

They talked about loving Orphans tonight—my calling perhaps because I was one. I only learned to truly love another being with my first trip to Haiti, where God started ripping out bits of my heart and began to put in beautiful bloody bits of His own. I began to beat for a cause—and it ruined me. It brought me to the end of myself, looking up at God, crying out for Him to do something! Make it better! Heal this hurt! How can you live with this?” He smiled at me, comforted me, sang over me…He knew I’d understand soon.

Then S------—the poor sucker!—last of my shadow loves and most deadly. Loving him exposed the broken parts of me—the lie I carried that hissed, “Unworthy”, the belief that I would never be pursued—loving him ruined me. And I looked at God and moaned and said, "I don’t know if I can bear this!” God took His broken daughter in His arms, loved her past her shame and said, “You are my Bride.”

You are my Bride…broken, hollow, empty, soulless, fearful…

He said it again, “You are my Bride.” She began to look around, saw “Worthy, Adored, Radiant, Joy” written on the walls of her heart. She began to hope.

“You are My Bride.” Destiny pouring out for her, dreams taking shape, hope restored and restoration coming…

“YOU ARE MY BRIDE!” This last one was a shout and with it all fear was dismantled. All that the little girl had built her life upon was suddenly in tatters and she found herself looking into the face of her King, her Father, her Bridegroom and laughing with Him at it. And they began to rebuild together, from the inside out.

That is what is happening in me. That is why I am overcome with my desire to be with Him—I know now who my True Love is and my heart is finally able to feel all that it was created to feel. And all that it wants—every beat of it—is to be with Him. It knows that it can have no other lovers and that all it needs is found in Him, and so it thirsts for Him achingly—oh to know the goodness of God and eat at His table. No more wandering beggar in rags, trying to find crumbs where she could. Now I know I am the Princess, the Desire of His Heart and I will preside at His table. His banner over me is love and I shall never leave its shade.

I’m finally able to only want you.

My King is in Love with Me!

I'm sitting in a crowded Starbucks, feeling slightly sleepy and overwhelmed, but happy.

I have a lot going on...first SOLO!!! week of student teaching just passed (five more days to go in second grade!), life, TPA's (don't get me started)...all the lots of stuff. And yet, in the midst of this crazy, Jesus is calling. And the crazier thing--I'm listening.

I feel like the past few weeks God has been calling me to fall in love with Him again. Love Me, sing for Me, He says...and I have been. It's like a reawakening--and there have been things that tried to stop it. Remember that guy I liked? God has brought healing out of all that and through it--I can basically hang out with him and be normal now (more normal than ever before :) but for some reason, my mind kept going back to it the last month. I would just be in a tizzy (I like that word) for no reason--I hadn't even seen him recently! Finally two weeks ago one of my friends prayed for me for it and I have literally been freed all over again. JESUS! THAT is a GREAT feeling :) More and more freedom...and then I was feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed by my life (Robin trying to do all the work on her own...yikes!) that I literally made myself sick. That was one of the worst days of my life. But God reminded me in that time that I need to really lean into Him for all my strength and support--He has to be my Rock, or I am totally unable.  

And then last night happened--oh crazy, let me tell you about it! Worship night at the Stirring with Jesus bringing me completely to me my knees and then just kneeling before Him, crying out--for Haiti, for Redding, for His bride who needs Him so and must be brought back to Him. I worshipped with all that I had--you know the feeling (maybe)--pouring out my life before Him for whatever He has--Haiti or otherwise--and then we stopped.

The worship leaders told us that they felt as though God just wanted us to spend the next few minutes with Him, speaking to us, touching us, individually. He talked about his son, his five month old (Jenna's baby!) and how Samuel will sometimes be looking everywhere but at His dad. His little eyes dart around and all that that dad wants is for his son to look at him and know how intensely he loves him. We do that with God. We're looking everywhere else, and we don't allow Him to just look us in the eyes and love us. So, for the next few minutes, we were to give God our undivided attention--look Him straight in the eyes.

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I have spent the better part of the last year not looking God in the eye--and it's partly because I'm afraid of what I'll see. What if all those deep desires (the ones that, for heaven's sake!, He's putting in me) don't get fulfilled? What if what He has for me is something I can't stomach and don't want? What if...? And isn't that the worst, isn't that distrust to its fullest? I'm afraid of the God of the universe and what He'll do for me. But God got past all of that last night, miraculously. Perhpas I was finally able to say that He is good and He always does what is good because I have seen it for the last two months of my life. Joy, fullness, hope--they have all been my portion in this season which I was afraid would be one of the driest of my life. I see and know more than ever before that if God is my portion and He is the one leading in my life it all ends in good: in joy, hope, trust, such life! So I worshipped Him and celebrated Him for being that in my life last night...and then He spoke to me (if you can call pictures words :)

We were sitting there, in the dark, my eyes closed and suddenly, I was in a garden, glowing with life and vitality, total purity and I was dressed in white. I knew this was my garden with God and I was smiling up at Him--those smiles that light up your face and He said, "My Bride." I'm tearing up even thinking about it. See, this is one of those deep secret desires that I have had planted in my life lately--one which I had not even given voice to, it was too painful. I hadn't even been consciously aware of it, this desire. I wanted to be a bride so badly, but I just didn't ever see it happening, so even though it is such a vital part of my heart--just crying out!--I shut it down (or tried to). But last night God spoke directly to that part of my heart. He answered that cry as only our God can: You are My Bride. You are all I ever dreamed of or planned or hoped you would be. You fulfill it all.

I wept--maybe with relief. It was such a brilliant, beautiful picture and to know that I am His treasured One and He looks on me as a bride...I can't help but stand in wonder. Jesus is all I will ever need.

Jesus is all I will ever need.

Jesus is all I will ever need.

And I know that will be fought against and there is still a battle to be won; but this I also know: I am His.

And He is mine.

Beautiful bride....beautiful bride...beautiful bride...

Here's to Your return Jesus! Come soon!

Back to the world of Starbucks and TPA's...but somehow it seems filled with glory now.

My King loves me. I can rest content in Him.