The Purse Talk

I'm having a hard time unpacking my purse.

Six months is a long time. Everything changes--that's what they tell you, that's what you mentally know, that's life. But there are artifacts--and for some reason, those are the worst to face.

The girl who held this purse before me, the one I left in America, didn't know what it meant not to be able to afford anything. She'd had a regular paycheck for a while and was used to buying chocolate just because she felt like it, or a new candle. She didn't know how much she would give away and use to travel the world. She didn't know what an empty bank account looked like and she didn't have to scrounge together money for gas.

The girl before DTS hadn't had other things emptied out too. She didn't know what it meant to really take someone into your heart and then have to be emptied again, seemingly immaturely. She didn't know about not having a chance to let those feelings bloom.

The girl who owned this purse wasn't sure of the future, but she enjoyed thinking about it. She didn't know what it would cost and she didn't even know how to give herself completely but she was willing to go where she was sent.

It's funny to walk out what is required of you. You don't know, going into a situation or relationship or new set of circumstances what it will mean for you, what it will ask you to give up. The word I hear and see for this trip, the one that sums up all that happened to me and all that we as a team experienced is "emptied". Maybe that seems like a weird choice or doesn't make sense: but if there's anything that happened in India, in Northern Ireland too, it was an emptying. I knew, more than I ever have before, what it means to give up everything for the Kingdom. I went absolutely broke for it--literally. My bank account, my heart, my broken camera, all my shame, my fear, my ability to protect myself, my body's ability to function--all were at one time or are permanently, poured out. Offered. No longer mine.

I hate looking at that purse, because it shows what I lost. And much of it was worth losing and I am immensely glad for the relief losing those things has brought...but many were good things (in my estimation) and the little girl in me cries over them. If I had known: but you never can.

I don't want that girl from six months ago to see me, to know me. My old self and who I am today: I don't know what they would say to each other. Honestly, I think they would be shocked.  They're such different people--and so to even run into her belongings stirs up something in me--almost a longing...

Knowing what I know now--would I have gone?

Sadly, the answers is no.

But isn't that true of all of us? If you had known the pain, loss, frustration and grief that would come to you in each season, you wouldn't have gone. None of us would! No one willing subjects themselves to that which brings them pain.

I've been reading through the Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis since I started traveling home. He makes many good points, but the theme that keeps surfacing for me is the beauty pain, suffering, brings. Not that you willingly undergo suffering or choose that as your lot in life (that's the edge of something else that we will not get into here...) but that you have the ability to take hold of it...it is happening, there is no use denying that, but how you react--that speaks volumes and will either plunge you forward or hold you back--and you won't know the outcome of all of this until years later.

The thing is, though I have lost much, I have gained the Kingdom. With each giving up, relinquishment, another piece of Heaven was allowed to be part of me and my reality and how I operate. I traded my "self"--at times, a gruesome display, for I mistakenly believed that what my heart fell for was good for me--for the "me" that He has been willing, and always ready, to create in me.

Self will--it's what we all fight for, against and with: my desires pitted against the Lords. I die to live, that's the choice. I've been choosing it for years now.

India was easy: I love developing countries, their hustle and bustle, the beautiful ways that they do life. I am not afraid or overwhelmed by honking horns, being the only white face in a crowd, not understanding a language...not to say that there are not moments of weakness, but that it becomes a joy as I adjust to the new surroundings. Being in India was not the most difficult part of my trip--it will forever be my joy. There were other, deeper things going on in me that caused me my pain, what I am walking through now. That's why it hurts to go through the purse: I remember how lighthearted and happy that girl was, how excited she was to learn--and I, on the other side, know the beauty of being refined.

It's a costly beauty: but it's one I had been anticipating and knew was on its way, I just hadn't realized the avenue by which it would approach. I had some words from the Lord about me coming into abundant joy and beauty before I left, and these two have come, but in ways unexpected. Through pain.

I have relinquished my circumstance to God and asked Him to have His way in my heart and there: there is where the healing can and has begun. The desperate pieces in you, when offered to the Lord, become the places His glory shines through. He gave me the ability to survive this and not only survive, but thrive. He has a new day coming for me--and encountering and passing through deep pain with Him also ushers me into deeper heights of glory--full joy! I don't take other relationships for granted--interacting in a healthy way with anyone brings me such delight these days--because I know its not easy. It's not to be taken for granted.

In this season of letting go, I have been given much. Dreams and vision for the future: to be a force of light and life to Ireland, to come alongside a struggling base and see a city changed. I even dream further out, into Haiti, in a way I have not let myself for a while. This time of testing and refining--pain--is not and never will be wasted.

Nothing is wasted...

Back to that purse! I am not that girl anymore. I am something more: Christ lives in me.

My Version of a Support Letter

I am a former schoolteacher turned missionary! Or…wait…I wanted to be a missionary…even had a country in mind (maybe too in mind!) and then—rrr! Sharp right turn!—God had me do all this training to be a schoolteacher First I volunteered, the I got the job as an aide, was a sub and finally became  a full fledged in-my-own-classroom (hallelujah!!!) schoolteacher.

And then He asked me to leave.

I was listening to a teaching on Naomi today. She had accepted the worst for herself. She even wanted her name changed from “pleasant” to “bitter”. This—she had decreed—was her end. Her husband and sons were dead and she had nothing left to lose…or gain.

Or so she thought…

But God goes further, knows deeper and plans better than we ever could have. He knew that Ruth would meet Boaz, get married and have a son who would become such a breath of life to Naomi. Literally, the woman of the village said: “He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has given birth to him.” Ruth 4:15

Sometimes dreams die for us. I have had disappointed hopes in these last few years. Times when I wanted to jump forward and found everything pulling me back. I have had a share of mourning and trouble not uncommon to man. But I kept believing, kept hoping and found that life was good, even in the middle of a place I was not anxious to live in (United States of America).

And then suddenly, you get to pick up that dream again. It all comes rushing back this feeling of, ‘I was not made to just stay here. I was made to go…to see and do and be more than I ever could have hoped.’ Not that being a teacher was bad! Despite the struggles of teaching in your first year, I found joy in loving those kids. And not that living in the States is a bad thing—it’s absolutely not: I appreciate a Starbucks on every corner (I’m sitting at one right now) and comfy beds along with everyone else. But something…something was missing.

Like Naomi, I need that thing which will give me life. For her, it was a grandbaby who replaced sons she had lost. For me, it’s living and traveling and doing life in a country not my own, investing in people and seeing them grow. And yeah, I can do this anywhere and I have been able to do this in the United States—but it’s time to move forward into the more, the unique place that only I can occupy-–and only God knows what that looks like! I am being given permission to step into what I thought was lost—life handed back to me again.

That’s a beautiful thing.

I have a few weeks to go before I set foot on Irish soil—a lot to learn, money to raise and tons of joy to be experienced. I am investing what I have earned into this trip, selling my car and holding yard sales. I need your help—however much you would like to invest! If you feel lead of the Lord to support me financially, that business is between you and Him! (But let me know. J) If you would like to be part of my prayer team, excellent! This will be (always is) the biggest need: covering over me as I go out into territory God has promised me will be huge. I am not just going to Ireland, but Northern Ireland, a country whose spunky (and often violent) history I am just becoming familiar with. Prayer for the culture shock I am sure to experience, prayer for healthy team mate relationships, safe flights, provision, my parents and siblings safety—it’s a long list, so if you want to be part of my prayer team, I would love to be able to e-mail you periodically. Any person who goes overseas for a long period of time runs the risk of being forgotten—they become the  person who comes to peoples’ minds as ‘Yeah, Nancy went to so-and-so and I see her on facebook often!’ I don’t want to be that person—the forgotten, almost idealized missionary. I want to be the one who is in your face, telling you how it is, inviting you into the world beyond your neighborhood and keeping you smiling through the ride.

I need your support, and honestly, I think you need my perspective. Not that it’s a correct one, or a safe one or even one you want to hear but…it might help you see the world a little bigger than your backyard and introduce you to faith that goes beyond reason (hmm…that’s kind of the definition of faith, isn’t it?)

So if your game, down or whatever other lingo you got: be brave and e-mail me: teachingisthereason@gmail.com

This is Really Long--Don't Read It Unless You Want to Believe in the Change Jesus Brings! :P

"As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God. When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a harvest of sinful deeds, resulting in death. But now we have been released from the law, for we died to it and and are no longer captive to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way by obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living by the Spirit." 
(Romans 7:4b-6)

 Excuse me for a moment whilst I process my year...

Twenty-four--that was not a year I missed saying farewell too...it seemed to all go on forever with no hope in sight. I think I learned, as Abraham had to, to trust in God's promises even when there seemed no end in sight...no land to journey to, no son to see grow up, no dream blossoming...

Endurance produces...what was that again? Hope? Ha. How I learned the truth of that extraordinary statement. I think I'm realizing evermore that so much of our lives must be lived out supernaturally, supremely apart from what we realize/think we are able to do. This new life of the Spirit--a completely new way of living--is really the way we must go if we want to have anything to do with Jesus and His kingdom. Because its all--backwards and not upside down, but illogical: gaining hope from being in a place of despair; forgiving when there is no earthly reason to; believing in resurrection for ourselves, these old bodies--it's all ludicrous in the best possible sense of the word. Love especially--love, especially, is a most insane, unimaginable concept. No, not romantic love that everyone is obsessed with--but that ability to continue to hope in and long for someone who completely shuns you again and again. Reaching out to that person over and over even while they reject you...that's love.

Isn't that insane?

But that's what Jesus is, that's what He offers. To every person that could possibly ever choose to follow Him (and that's all of us) He extends His love, His forgiveness, His very life--and He asks us to do the same.

It is insane--because if you try to do this--really love someone despite how they treat you--you will end up in abusive, co-dependent, broken relationships...and no one wants that! So no one loves that way--or do they?

See the trick is--the catch, the gist of it all, the way I have learned from my own Father--this centerpiece of all that encompasses a life giving away to Christ--is that we don't do the loving.

Hear it again--it's not your job to do the loving.

Well, God is love and if we know God then we know love and if you don't have love then you don't have love, so I have to muster up the love for this other person, right?

Wrong.

We love because He first loved us.

This is love, not that we loved God but that He first loved us and sent His Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us. 

Can we just live here for a moment? Catch that last verse from 1 John--as we love one another, God dwells, abides, lives it out through us and that love (which came from Him in the first place!) gets perfected in us.

I've needed to hear this every day of my life and live here and I will die here--waiting for God to come and fill up my life so that I quit scrounging and trying to show enough love...finally believing in the fullest sense that Jesus came not to perfect me, but to love through me and the change of me becoming more and more like His Son suddenly gets wrought as I go about the ordinary task of loving Him alone by loving all those around me as He lives through me. 

I'm sure I'm off theologically at some point in the middle of this vast understanding that I am trying to pinpoint into a few words. Beloved, forgive me for it and move on.  Just realize for a moment with me the grace that this Pharisee-ical little girl has learned and be in awe of the God who would take the time to wrought that change. I am not the same--all my perfecting and needing others around me to perform has slowly died away in the flame of being broken enough to just know Him. He loved me in the middle of my mess, when I had absolutely nothing to offer--and I will spend my whole life learning how to live out a life filled with a love like that--a life leaning into my Father's arms and feeding others out of the abundance of that embrace. 

It's amazing the little places you'll go to--and the things that the Lord will teach you there. The endurance, hope, love--they don't get learned on the big stage when you're feeling really important. The hope of your life, the truth of it and who the Lord is creating you to be--they come out of small moments, lived in the presence of family and friends, completely mundane and totally treasured. Don't be ashamed or deride the big stage and shiny lights--but live your life not around those edges but in a way which proclaims that even if those things were never available to you, you know that your life is good, worth living, full of Him. 

That's what I learned this year--the hope when everything is failing comes because of the strength I find in Him, the joy in the midst of pain is present because He abides with me, I can keep climbing up this mountain, painful as it may be, because He's offering His hand to me. I don't have a lot at this point in my life, but all I have finds its origin in Him and that makes it exceedingly worth more than all the riches I could recieve. And given the choice, He knows what I'd choose.

A friend made the comment when I was talking over a bit of my year, "You're in missionary training." I laughed a little, but only because its true. I don't think even I will understand the gifts He's placed in me by teaching me how to live out through this year.

Because I wanted to run and cry and quit--so many times. I couldn't. I had no options--I had to face the reality of my life as it came and be honest about it and keep moving forward even when everything in me wanted to leave. To be honest, I screwed up a lot. Hurt people. Would have left had I had any options. But He stayed me, rescued me time and time again, practiced forgiveness through me, taught me to be an intercessor, changed me, ransomed me from the dead and restored me. Who I am now is stronger, more hopeful than who I was when I began twenty-four.

I wouldn't live those years again if you paid me (or did anything for me! ha!) but I would never trade the character, endurance, presence... 
 
"Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ." 
(1 Corinthians 1:7)

It's weird--I've never read this verse before, to my knowledge. But running across it this morning, the truth of it stuck in me--I have everything I could ever possibly need for every day ahead because of the access I have to Jesus and the truth of what He--the ever faithful one--is doing in me. I've only had a taste of the glory which is to come--and it only makes me thirst that much more.  

like this song by Brooke Fraser says:

if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
i can only conclude that I was not made for here...

"He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on that day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns." 
(I Corinthians 1:8)

There's something about the steadfast grace of God that keeps me running forward, with such hope! It makes me think of a vision I had once of me and my future husband (wherever you are!!!). We were running forward with all the strength we had, each of us with a hand in Jesus'...there was such joy in the exchange--I never even saw who it was on the other side of Jesus (I really didn't want to, yet) but I knew that our lives were about staying close to each other through our life in Jesus and He was the One propelling us forward. That no matter what came, He would link us together, enable us to keep running forward, joy and hope in our faces no matter the circumstances. Himself--so present with us...even in the middle of this terrible season, I somehow knew, deep in me past what anyone could say/convince me of, no matter how they spoke despair, no matter how stagnant it got--I just knew He was faithful--and it enabled me to keep going.

The dark night...all I had at times was a heart still burning for Him--and it was enough.

"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit." 
(Romans 8:5)

I think for some reason this verse became alive in a different way through this year--somehow or other I had always missed--or maybe hadn't had to live on close proximity with--people who were so willing to live in darkness, be dominated by what was controlling them and not see the harm it was doing. I learned compassion and forgiveness in a big way by seeing people through this--just being so aware that the reason they acted the way they did was almost not a conscious thing on their part--they didn't mean to damage you so bluntly, knife thrusts of words--they just didn't know any other way. So you had to learn not to be dead toward them, but to keep peeling back your pain and disappointment and see them anew each day. It's still a struggle for me--loving in spite of the pain they cause--but as I said earlier, Jesus' love has been shown to me so new...and I mean, just recently.  There's a newness in me, a profound declaration wrought by the pain that the Lord is completely pleased with me as I do my best, working out of His supernatural love, to extend love to the broken. It becomes such a beautiful thing--and they often have no idea how to respond--but its not about them and me anymore--its about what Jesus wants to show off through His kids--and that's His love! He wants Himself, His beautiful character of seeing beauty in the pain and calling forth hope out of brokenness to become a part of all we do. I for one am jumping on board.

"God will do this, for He is faithful to do what He says, and He has invited you into partnership with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." 
(I Corinthians 1:9) 

 I mean, partnership with Jesus (perfect words for what it is) who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want the nearness, the darling blessedness of being one of His own and operating in His love? No more striving on my part to become all I was made to be, crying out of fear, "Use me, God!" lest He forget about me and all I did turned out to not be enough for Him. No, I have learned a new way, a reliance on His tender care and a darling hope into all of His promises--because a promise, unlike a contract, cannot be broken (read Romans 4 in the Message--it'll change your life!). I live in the risky faith embrace of trusting in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself--for me. I don't count His grace as something which is to be taken lightly--its what saved me, sustains me and will bring me into my forevermore. He's faithful for that!

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the point: you died to the power of the law when you died with Christ. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead." 
(Romans 7:4a)

A re-uniting...no, no, just a uniting--what you never had before because of sin becomes fully yours, fully possible because of what Jesus did for us. This year I proclaim His faithfulness, His power to release us from the grave, His utter ability to show up in whatever you called "dead" in your life and bring full life, better life than you could ever have proclaimed over it, to come springing up like a well-tended vine. It's all Him in you, no mustering up or being enough--but relaxing into what He is doing in the world and simply choosing to meet with Him there. Its such a more graceful way of life, its truly life--its what He has for you! Just seek...

"The message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God." 
(I Corinthians 1:18)

There was a moment, on the eve of my 25th birthday, when I lost it all. I mourned what had been, all the destruction, despair and hopelessness that had filled the year that was now behind me. I wailed, crying like I don't think I've ever cried, because this past year was just so hard to live through. Words can't describe and so that night the groans that Romans 8 talks about came out--deep anguish over what was lost, a grieving.

"And Christ lives within you so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life because you have been made right with God. The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead,  he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." 
(Romans 8:10-11)

I woke up the next morning and the love of God--which I had been crying out for, longing for, had a desprate need for--because I knew that I did not have within myself the capacity to love as He did, did not even know how to go about loving in this way that He commanded all throughout 1 John 4--suddenly it was there. I was just wrapped up in the love of God in a way that cannot make sense unless you have known that full assurance, peace--I suddenly knew beyond doubt that I had all I needed, the full depths of who He was, like in a way that's past knowing. It was just a part of who I was (am) now.

"So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the worlds brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish." 
(I Corinthians 1:20)

It was something new in me--God blessing and filling me up and reminding me that He is very present, ever present on the Earth--and that as I seek I will find, all I need is in Him, that even the worst that I can do will be covered by this love and that should I seek Him my whole life I will never come to the end of the goodness that is Him, all that he longs to pour out into me and through me. Like a good friend said last night, "We're not a pond, we're a hose." All that He is can flow out of my life and bless others as I rest and abide in Him allowing Him to reach out through me. It's good...and it won't make sense to anyone unless they are in Him! And He invites us into all that goodness, no matter where we are!

"So God did what the law could not do. He sent His own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sins control over us by giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins." 
(Romans 8:3b)

25 is a new year--beyond reaching a pivotal birthday into realizing that I can face anything from this point forward and it will be cake. I have hit and lived through the worst that a life can offer you. Jesus has shown up solid and become such a deep part of who I am that to separate would be to take the very life away from me--and you just can't do that! He rose from the dead--and so will I! It's bizarre how far this year has taken me--and I haven't traveled more than 8 hours from my home at any period during this time...

"But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength." 
(I Corinthians 1:24-25)

Mexico was like a culmination of all that year--a chance to stretch my wings and realize that the cage I had been living in for so long was starting to rattle--God was on His way, up to something, whispering on the wind. I'm stretching my wings, dreaming, anticipating, so fully hoping in the God who has taken a little bird who might have always claimed she was only a songbird and declaring over her life that she is an eagle, she has great strength, that what she carries changes atmospheres, people's life directions, hope--she just brings it, a result of a deep connection and abiding in the Father who speaks such strength and grace into all His children. She will be His beauty on display in a way most people have never seen--and don't be afraid of it! Lean in ever closer, and carry my heart, O my daughter.

"Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God." 
(Romans 8:13-14)

I will do whatever I will do, says the Lord, it matters not what you think I'm capable of or what you think I'm up to. I am the one who moves and breathes and gives life--the very life of the world. Any of you aligned with Jesus and living out this life in His life have no idea what you are in for! This life changed the world, gave wind to sweep under your wings (Holy Spirit) and went through (is still going through) the whole world. Do you think that has ended? Do you think that it could ever end?
Jump in--no telling what we'll see, only sure thing: Jesus is King and He does as He pleases.  
What hope!!!

"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." 
(I Corinthians 1:26-29)

I am so aware of how incapable I am--but monstrously absorbed in the fact that God can do as He likes through a life laid down. This is powerful, wholesome, stake-your-life-on-it truth...may it be the truth that changes your world as you walk through this life with Him, fully aware of His grace and how much hope He longs to bring into this broken world. If He can make me, in the middle of all my unknown circumstances and whatevers!!! trust--the one who used to be so fear-filled and worry haunted--if He can break me down enough to believe and fully walk in all He has for me--just think of what He can do in you! Never put the limits on Him--practice letting go! Letting go is having an insignificant faith--a faith that lays down all it has ever believed about what we think He can do and then laid down all that we think He should do in us or others and just chosen to have our vision expanded, our love (and ability) to love change and has been set free into believing that anything is possible and Jesus is at work everywhere. Do you live that way? Does your life proclaim an effortless, totally able God? Expand your vision of yourself, those around you and the Lord you serve! And if you have gone through utter brokenness--as I have this year--rejoice in it, for you know He is in the middle of it!

I was in Yosemite last Tuesday, reveling in sunshine, flowers and the delight of knowing my God. I went (for the first time in I don't know how many visits to Yosemite) into the little chapel on the valley floor and just had a moment of thankfulness and praise before the Lord. He has made my life come alight even in the middle of the crazy that was this year--I was even sitting in a pool of sunshine in that little chapel--and I know that that will continue to be the reality of my life in Him. No matter what we may be going through, we live our lives out in the sunshine of His love. That's where all this beautiful life comes through...

Letting Go Love

My life has been crazy for the last few months...

Have you ever noticed that you have to step back from a situation/problem to really realize how it has affected you and what it has done deep down in your soul? Yeah, that was this weekend for me.

I lost my faith these last few months. Faith in the little God who liked to sprinkle fairy dust through the air and trip alongside us singing...but that faith was replaced by a Faith in a God who knows us to the core of who we are and still desperately longs to let us be known and to know Him. He will stop at nothing to get at your heart (even deep pain) and exists solely in your life to breathe on your dreams and shape you into them--and that will take a lot of gasping, enormous breaths and groaning as we emerge through the storm (wind, rain and tears) with only the Promise that He will be there and we have nothing to fear.

And we have nothing to fear.

To be our best selves, our most complete selves, our true selves comes out of a deep, aching vulnerability. A facing of all your worst fears with the ability to move forward out of them unscathed. It's a completely bizarre and intensely rewarding process that God only blesses His warriors with. If you were made for the battle, you will go into training.

That's where I've been the past few months. Continuing to take orders and follow His commands in the middle of miserly, dire circumstances where hope should (and often was on the verge of) being snuffed out. But we kept pressing forward, He and I, every once in a while coming clear into the light, able to see each other's smiles and He'd laugh and say, "We're not through it yet."

At moments I hated the "We're not through it yet." It seemed a soggy waste to go on when there was no progress--but that wasn't the point. The point is never how many people you find to love and hug on you back--its to learn the letting go love, the love that Jesus showed us for the first time on the cross, where He gave everything He had in a loving, desperate act and then stepped back and let us figure it out. How would we react to this strange giving of all He had? Would we choose to believe that He had indeed opened a way for us to be a part of a mystical "here" and "not-yet-here" kingdom? Would we love Him back?

The choice is everything, but the choice is never forced. It is simply offered, to believe trust and fall into or to walk away from. I have seen many of both and in my loving, in my giving of my best over and over again for His glory I have seen some love me desperately back (you know who you are, the ones who give me long hugs and pray with me until we get kicked out of church and talk with me as I mourn what could have been) and there have been others who crushed me and my dreams and sang as they walked away. And I have continued to love both.

Because my example is Jesus. always will be (O Perfection!) and He reminds me that I love them because He first loved me. Joy will come as I keep looking to Him in hope, holding my empty hands out again to be filled with His love and then spread it everywhere He deigns it wonderful for me to be. They can do as they like, the love will never stop and thus the throwing out His love every place I encounter will, by the same token, never have its end.

And I am grateful.

These last few months have been wonderful scary and hopelessly dramatically full of His love. I love the work He is doing, despite the pain, and I will continue to follow His course as many days as I have breath.

Join me.

Winning the Fight, Jesus by Your Side

Have you ever been in battle?

Swords raised, banners flashing, an enemy to defeat...the wind behind your back, comrades on your side and a goal that you are all striving towards: rout the enemy and reclaim your lands.

Some might call this season of my life the "sit-around-and-do-nothing" phase. Those who see things only from a human perspective are hoping I get a job, move on with my life, find my way--and I have been tempted to call this season by the same name and doubt myself and often my Lord.

But now I see clearer.

I won't give in and lose my heart--my family is on the brink of finally moving past broken and I won't give up this fight until we can be family again--loving, supportive, loyal toward one another.

Because this is just the beginning of one battle.

Because all our lives each of us is going to go through some heavy stuff--and we need each other.

Because Christ has called us to spread His message and when it is first fully lived out in the home, it's powerful.

Because we have an enemy and he would destroy us--but ha! God has given us each other!

Depression has lately been the invisible weapon the enemy has chosen to try and pull me down. But I turn to the story of Jesus and say that if He could endure the cross, i can endure a few days of hopelessness--after all, that Cross caused the greatest victory of all time...and I know not what waits around the corner for my family! I will not lose hope and I will not lose heart--I am in this battle to see victory come!

Fight on all brave soldiers of the Lord! May your victory come swiftly and your communion with the Lord be sweet. He will never leave you in battle (or in the victory), cry out to Him as ever you have need!

We have overcome.