The Disconnect: How I Missed You

I’m looking at a couple kids standing around at a gas station.

They’re not my kids, it’s not even in real time—it’s a picture, kids I used to know, who used to love each other.

And there’s a waterfall in between—I put it there, the picture of it: tall rock walls separating these two—but for me it represents the chasm that has come between these two sweet kids.

See, last year when they went on this trip together, they stood next to each other. Nothing came between them, every picture and moment is “together” and they were living in the sweetest, most innocent way of love I have ever seen. He declared his love for her one night (unintentionally) by trying to compliment her (we each picked someone on the trip to affirm and encourage that night) and stammering through saying how wonderful she was.

The beautiful, lucky, absolutely darling thing was that they had no clue (even though everyone around them could see it): he was just this awesome kid who didn’t know he loved her and she thought that for sure he couldn’t love her—they were just best friends who spent a lot of time together.

And isn’t that the best way for love to start?

But this girl, though unaware of it herself, is beautiful—and others guys started to notice, specifically, one of the boy’s best guy friends. This guy had charisma, had plenty of dating experience and was older than the two of them—and the girl believed in his affections for her…and a chasm opened between her and the original, adorably dorky guy.

Saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed.

The other older guy is in this photo, posing (I covered him with the waterfall)…but the beautiful girl isn’t even looking at him—she’s looking back to the original, unassuming guy who loved her purely, even unintentionally…and I just wonder what she’s thinking.

Love is hard, that’s all I know. I don’t think it comes along often and when it does, I don’t think we’ve been trained to see it. In fact, I would say the opposite is true: we’ve been trained (overtrained) to recognize and go for lust, but love—in its sweetest form—is so rare as to be unrecognizable. And when someone stumbles on it these days, it feels like a true miracle.

But how often do we actually see it, recognize it for what it is and go for it? Ask that pretty girl out, talk to that guy that has an indescribable pull on you, take the time…? I think we often move too fast and move too scared. We go for the easier-to-see lust because it makes itself loud and proud and in our faces and gentle love gets pushed away. Love is a frightening thing—taking over the senses so that when you see the beloved, you truly can hardly think, let alone talk to them. (It’s so much easier to avoid them and walk the other way than to wade through all the convoluted emotions bashing around in you, making you feel so uncomfortable—haha, speaking from experience.)

Long ago and far away, I was in love. I was like the girl I’ve been writing about—completely insecure and so sure that there was no way that I could be loved. It was the one unspoken and unrealized dream of my heart to be loved completely (only uncovered as I painfully sorted out why liking this guy was so disconcerting for me)—but because it was so close to the core of who I was and I was so sure it would never happen, I fought it. I fought to believe I was made for bigger, grander things and didn’t need love. I would earn love: give my life to serve the poor and be so selfless that I would finally be worthy of love I’d never received. 

I was a mess.

And this guy awakened things in me and made me realize things about myself that were very painful. It was terrifying for me to be falling for someone—even if he was a great guy, I just couldn’t stand it. It threw me off balance, made me see myself in a different light and made me vulnerable. It was terrible: couple all those feelings with immersing myself in the book Passion and Purity and you have one big mess—my heart was in turmoil within me, but I couldn’t let on because, as Elisabeth Elliott clearly reiterated over and over again, “The man has to lead.”

And the guy never made a move (I saw him every other day all year!)…so, I suffered in silence.

Beyond a mess at this point: and he dates someone else. Find me in the woods after he announces he’s going to a dance with her, almost breaking a guitar with the violence of my sorrow and seriously wondering what’s wrong with me. Find me tripping through the next years asking God why and battling longing to serve God completely while still wondering…Find me praying for this girl and guy as they date, because he keeps coming to mind and I want the best for them…find me twenty-six now, wondering what’s next.

I write about this because it’s common to man: I thought I was the only one who knew the torturous, unrequited side of love…but there’s more of us out there than you would guess. I want to encourage you that God heals and moves and does amazing things in the middle of your sorrow, your breaking heart—and His love does come in and transform the battered heart.

I think it’s because He understands: He is, after all, the ultimate embodiment of heartbroken love. His love goes far beyond one meager person—covering the whole world—and so the pain must be that much greater. But for the ones that chose Him—that choose to say yes to His love and let their lives become His—imagine the joy.

Jesus knew the joy that was coming—it’s what enabled Him to travel to the cross, to endure what was set before Him. He knew, He knew it would be torture and yet “for the joy set before Him” He endured that cross, rejecting the shame and embracing what His Father had chosen for Him.

I have life today because of that choice—and so do you, and so can you. It is made available, beyond all the pain of the world and the pain you may have brought to your father (heavenly or earthly)—choose Jesus and (seriously!) life abounds for you.

The waterfall in the picture that I put between my two friends who have become disconnected is called Bridalveil. I love that waterfall—the towering magnificence of it and all that it represents. Jesus came for a Bride. The disconnect happens—many times, all over the world, where love is lost or broken—but the Lord stands above it all, still longing and looking for His Bride.

There is still hope.

The Love I Bear

Some days you just have to write...I feel like I'm on the brink of figuring something out and parts of my heart have already been revealed to me today--its wild and good!

My days have been a wild whirl of trying to get everything done and be present (often overwhelmed) and deal with feeling isolated and out of control--it all felt like it was too much and yet I persevered--that's the crazy part. I don't know how I survived the last season of my life, it was literally the hardest season of my life. I have never been so stressed that I couldn't eat and made myself physically sick--until then!

And now...I'm floating in a pool of calm. I'm basically being paid to be a stay at home mom and I love it! My charge just turned three--months that is :) She sleeps, I read, whisper to God, sing, go on walks. These are the moments to just be--and I relish them, because really, I don't know what my life will look like in the next ten years and this might be the only pool of calm I get for a while. So I bask in it!

God's been speaking to me about marriage--again! (I know, its an old joke. I have no prospects and yet its the one thing that keeps coming up in conversation and in art that I have been doing--I am being taught about marriage and what it means to be a bride--even though I may never be one! haha...this seems to be a joke, but I know it isn't cruel--God's not like that. I may never be married, but marriage is one of the thrilling/mundane/original/common/out-of-this-world mysteries of this life--I don't mind learning!) And we're back...anyways, God revealed to me through an awesome Thomas Merton book that I had put my hope in marriage. This was something that I had no conscious idea of--until I read:

"All sin is rooted in the failure of love. All sin is a withdrawal  of love from God, in order to love something else. Sin sets boundaries to our hope, and locks our love in prison. If we place our last end in something limited, we have withdrawn our hearts entirely from the service of the living God. If we continue to love Him as our end, but place our hope in something else together with Him, our love and our hope are not what they should be, for no man can serve two masters." (pg. 18 in No Man is an Island by Thomas Merton)

My "something else together with Him" had been marriage! Weird, I never realized...then I was like, why would I hope in marriage? what's the deal with that? The answer came immeadiately: "If I am married, it means that someone else thinks I have worth. Someone else sees me as valuable." WHOA!!! Criminey! (and I don't use that word) I was trying to answer that question and fend off that lie of "You are worthless" (which by the way, hangs over my whole family) by putting my hope in marriage.

Someday when you are married--you will have worth.
Someday when you are married--you will have a future.
Someday when you are married--you will have someone who sticks by you forever.
Someday when you are married--you won't be lonely.

Isn't it crazy what we believe and where we look for our satisfaction and hope? I was the kid who was terrified of marriage--so why would I have these beliefs about it? Perhaps the reason I was terrified was because if I did get married and it turned out that none of these hopes would be fulfilled, I would have nowhere else to turn. And in my mind, it was better not even to broach the subject--just reject it completely and all that it could offer and stay safe.

Aren't you glad God entered the picture of my life?

He calls me Bride. And He already answers all those questions and fulfills all my hopes completely without my having to persuade Him or make Him see that I'm worth it. What a hope, what a true hope that is...

Maybe I will get married someday. Maybe I'll remain single for the rest of my life. In any case, I know who holds my future. My hope is secure.

I'm reading Elisabeth Elliot's book Passion and Purity again with a new perspective. (In it she writes about the journey of her five? year relationship with Jim Elliot which lead to their eventual marriage.) I'm free to look at relationships and romance and the possibility of marriage without fear. I'm free to dream and wish without being overwhelmed--being married or not is no longer a live or die moment. If it happens, hallelujah!, and if not my hope remains. I am free--in a way I haven't been for years.

From Elisabeth's book:
"The greater the potential for good, the greater the potential for evil. That is what Jim and I found in the force of the love we bore for each other...A system of fixed values and relations held us apart, each holding the other in reverence for the Owner. His we were, all the rights were, all the prerogatives to give or to withhold according to the pattern of His will, which remained as yet a mystery to us...For us, this was the way we had to walk, and we walked it, Jim seeing it his duty to protect me, I seeing it mine to wait quietly, not to attempt to woo or entice..."

Then she goes on to quote Christina Rossetti's poem:

"Trust me, I have not earned your dear rebuke,--

I love, as you would have me, God the most;

Would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,

Nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look,

Unready to forego what I forsook;

This say I, having counted up the cost,

This, though I be the feeblest of God's host,

Yet while I love my God the most, I deem

That I can never love you over-much;

I love Him more, so let me love you too;

Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such

I cannot love you if I love not Him,

I cannot love Him, if I love not you."

May I love like that.

This is held firmly in Your hands. Thank You Papa.

NEW

Love...it's a funny thing and i don't understand it.

i used to be afraid of it--the craziness of being attached to one person for life and the fear of being with the wrong one...and i still wonder and feel afraid of falling in love with someone who decieves you and says he's one thing but then shows his true colors...

but that wouldn't be love, would it? and my God is good, He can keep me from those who would say one thing and mean something else...

my God knows my heart so well...sometimes I forget this fact. but He does. my life is held in hands of love, and when that time comes and I am supposed to meet him--him whom my soul loves, him who i have been waiting and praying for--God will orchestrate it so beautifully. i wouldn't be surprised if music was playing and the moment just turns magic--because my God likes to bless me that way...just because i am His own

i think i'm ready for love, but i leave that part of my story securely in His hands. He has such beauty in store, i don't want to mar it by meddling. mmmm, He is good. He has good for us, His kids.

i write all this because I just saw engagement pictures of a couple who most would say are awkward and old fashioned--but there was such love and light on their faces in these pictures--it was glorious...these two have waited and have done it right--and you just know, just from looking at their faces, that its going to be blessed. so blessed. i haven't even seen them lately--and probably won't for a while--but even just the pictures (such a crude representation) put tears in my eyes and just fill me with such joy. the look on her face...the way he beholds her...the truth they know together and the God who fills them both up and will lead them on--it was all there, it was all there and it was...beautiful, awe inspiring, lifting, new, glorious, outrageously good--where are the words?

i am so glad for them, not just for their joy that has come and continues to come--but because they put God on display in a world that seems...can seem, no actually IS broken. they show that you don't have to sleep together to see if it will work and you can find a glorious joy in honoring each other and keeping each other at arms length--remembering that you don't belong to each other yet: he is His and she is His until the day that He joins them together...

i am glad too because this is what my God does. and if He would do that for Andrew and Breanna, maybe...someday...He would do it for me.

not because i'm anything special

not because i've won His affections

not because i deserve it

but just because He loves me

and i am one of His kids

and He loves to bless His kids

You give me hope Jesus...again and again. I will wait for You and for him, for as long as it takes. keep my heart running, overflowing with Your joy and grace as i wait for that day

haiti will never be the same

heaven will never be the same

our families will never be the same

"Behold, I AM MAKING ALL THINGS NEW"

Summer Has Come...

It's one of those nights...one where you just kind of are in this mood where you want to be alone and kind of think thoughts that are a little melancholy...you just want to reflect and be quiet.

I'm gonna write it all down...

My heart is racing...for no reason...its just what I'm thinking about and might share :) haha...I've grown a lot this year, so much. At times I thought it was because something was going to happen...and things did happen, but not the things I thought would happen...

The pastor at my parent's church just came back from Haiti. He saw sixty orphans living in chicken coops and we're going to build an orphanage for them. he started his sermon by asking who would trade their present circumstances for the biggest tent in Port-au-Prince. No one raised their hand (of course) but my mom whispered to me, "You would."

She knows me better than I let on...

She might even know me better than I know myself.

Oh I wonder...that boy...

And I let myself dream lately...of a man who has kind eyes and a steadiness that will keep me when all the rest is falling apart. I'm energetic and people loving enough for two people...I need someone with strength and endurance for the days I fall apart.

But its hard, you know? I'm twenty-two...most people have boyfriends about now, or the inklings of one (insert sad, sweet smile). Why am I different?

I had someone say, about a month before school ended, "You know, I was thinking, 'why doesn't Robin have a boyfriend? She's funny and smart and...and then I realized, there's no one cool enough for you."

That was heartening, in its own way. It's good to think back on. And I kind of know why I haven't had a boyfriend, etc. There's always been a set apartness about me...something that people can kind of sense, something that intimidates a lot of guys...and I'm glad for it. I've been protected by a Loving Father (you all know who I'm talking about).

I have to trust Him in this time. I have to let Him be in control and move my steps and help me wait...not easy...but good, so good I can almost taste it and it should make me sing for joy and exult in all you are, My Lord.

Not easy...but worth it.

And all those years I spent reading Elisabeth Elliot's book and praying that I wouldn't have it easy...well, living it out is something different altogether. I never knew my weaknesses before. But He can be strength...I just have to let Him.

I let Him be strength last night. I was driving home from a friends house and it was pouring rain. I'm a new driver and it was a 45 minute drive home and the storm did not relent. I was worried at times that I'd do something stupid and end up dead...but I held onto the wheel and kept praying.

"Jesus, help me get home safe. Jesus, be my strength. Jesus, let me stay on the road. Jesus, be my eyes, help me see..."

And shouldn't that always be how we pray? Shouldn't I always realize that I don't have what it takes, I need help and direction from a God is more than able to supply my needs and knows the path before me? Shouldn't I?

I was glad to go to that friends house. She and I have only known each other through this year--she was totally put into my life by God--and we have helped each other walk through very similar situations this year. Even last night, as we talked, I was amazed at how she had grown. We both had these massive crushes on guys we thought were cute--the kind of crush that leaves your head feeling funny all day and makes you want to stay away from the guy and yet always be near him at the same time--at least, that's how it was for me. I did my best to avoid my crush and treated him different form every other person I knew--but it was all because I couldn't handle being near him!!! (So lame! Question: Is putting the facebook status, "If I'm careful with you does that mean I love you?" seem an appropriate status to put up? I didn't post it, but that's what I wanted to write today...thinking of him).

Anyway, I'm getting away from it all :)

The guys we had crushes on did not reciprocate completely. The guy I liked I think had feelings for me, but in the end I saw clearly how much our lives were going to diverge. I love the country of Haiti with all my heart (there's really nothing I can do about it!) and he loves another country and will end up there someday. He is a sweetheart, with a lot going for him...but I'm not an add-on, God has very specific things for me...I have to let go. I had to see--I'm not even sure what yet--but he asked another girl to the dance and I stayed home and scrapbooked about the year with friends (it made a wonderful mess in my lobby) and life goes on...I hope we stay friends, but my heart is not out there for the taking. This hurt too much and as much as it is in my power I am handing my love life over to my Creator and allowing Him to have His way. That's the only way that's going to work for me.

My friends had talked with the guy she liked all year and hung out with him too. They were friends...but she wondered if there was more. Yesterday was kind of a deciding day...she talked with him about a comment he'd amde on facebook (and this was an ackward conversation!!) and ascertained that if he really cared for her, he'd been given the chance to express it--with no dice! Life goes on...she was actually telling me last night that she felt content being single, which is huge for her! At the beginning of the year, I can remember sharing with her that I woudln't mind being single my whole life--and she told me that she really wanted a boyfriend, she just wanted to be a wife and mother. How the tables turned!!! We both went through these situations with bys and I popped out the other side really wanting a boyfriend, while she is learning to be content being single...what do you do with that? God is funny that way.

I have a page ripped from the beginning of the year which expresses perfectly what I had started to learn at the beginning of the school year (in the fall) and must now learn again. It's about contentment and having Christ as your only source, all you need (there's real strength in that):

"Getting used to loneliness.

Help me to accept this.

Change me, teach me how to cope, to use
my time wisely and glorify you in
the midst of this.

To learn to wait on God
to really wait for His leading
to trust

Go deep

it won't make sense to you, but it doesn't
have to"

Nothing deep, but Jesus, I need you now like I never have before. Help me not to be embarassed by m weakness, but reach out to you all the more and you will be all I need in these coming days and months. Like Liz, my good friend kept telling me, "You have been filled to overflowing with all the strength you need to endure."

I trust You, God, even when it doesn't make sense to me. Even when it hurts. Help me turn to You. I want to blossom again, a flower under your care. May better days be ahead...bright ones, filled with sunshine. It is summer after all! Help me leave behind my old habits of the heart, constantly searching in the shadows and living in secret hopes which did me no good. I want to be filled, bright, let the world with all its cobwebs fall away from me. Living in you, healed, clean...this is my desire.