I live so American.
That's so weird to write, but its so true. I have always dreamed of being overseas, I was just that weird kid who from the time she was a teenager looked around and was like, 'what?' I just did not understand the selfishness (though I recognize it in me), the disregard for others, the rebellion that all make up an average American teenager--who has now grown up into an average American young adult. I get it. We have issues. I wanted to leave them behind (cue "Get me out of here!" theme music)
Then I lived here. Really lived here instead of being aloof as I was in high school. I got into life (finally) with other Americans (and a few MK's) in my college story and was a little more okay with being American. Believe me, I still wanted to leave (country of choice, today and always: Haiti) but there was something in me that wasn't so afraid of us and the direction we were going. God moved here too, definitely.
Then I became an American career woman and man, did I take it to the hilt! Beyond nine-to-five with an hour and half commute added in: I was living that dream. And I was beyond lonely. And I went to Starbucks several times a week. And I lived vicariously through Facebook and watched way too many movies and just generally felt...the...ache.
We Americans are so alone.
We fight alone.
We cry alone.
We laugh alone.
We drink alone.
We sing alone.
And we live alone.
I get it. I get it now, the raw ache you feel after a long day when you have no one to connect with and no energy and you just find some way to entertain yourself. I get why you give yourself away so cheaply. I get why you look so tired and jaded and hopeless--we have made a tough world out there, with deadlines and papers and evaluations (can anyone say, "no grace!") and we fight it out and don't even know if it's completely worth it.
I am so sorry for judging you.
But now I am being brought out of that place: fending for yourself and providing for yourself and just being with yourself. I found out today that I wasn't receiving some money that I thought I would get--and it's fine, I don't really NEED it but it just made me realize how radical this season really is: I have to depend on other people now.
And that's really scary.
And I don't do that well: I really am comfortable (too comfortable) being on my own and taking care of myself. I was literally brought up that way and did just fine (I thought). Needing other people and asking for their help is literally completely against my wiring and very intimidating. I had a lot of trouble this year because I did just that: never asked for help. My principal literally leaned toward me during my summative (whole year) evaluation and said, "I'll tell you the secret of what you really need to work on wherever you go next." (Huh? What's that?) "You need to ask for help."
She pinned me. That was it to a tee: it's not even in me to ask...I would always much rather figure it out myself.
It's so destructive! But it's how Americans live! And I do it...really well...and it DESTROYS me.
But God is putting me in a place where I can't operate that way anymore. I am being thrust deep into community (I had a taste this week through going to a workshop called 'Single Life': and this workshop is actually the opposite of single life because you learn there how to operate in community and let people in...the way its named is literally ironic), having to rely on others for what I need and going beyond myself and all that I am comfortable with! And I'm not going to say I'm going to rock it or that it'll be the best thing ever (this is gonna be tough!) but I am EXCITED!
So, if you're still reading, please support me. It may be through prayer or even sending a check but, I am willing to admit: I need help.
SO UnAmerican :) heehee!
No comments:
Post a Comment