That's a Marriage

My brother's getting married in a few weeks--astonishing really!

Not that he's incapable or unworthy of love--but just love, in itself, is an astonishing bit of joy. Sometimes its the craziest thing ever showing up in the middle of pain and the brokenness that can sometimes surround a life. Pouf!--bang!--something new happens and you're never the same! haha

I was working on the "Bride" chapter in my book yesterday--that call is on all of our lives. Heidi Baker puts it really well--I was reading one of her books the other day and she talked about how this love--loving our Father--will cost us everything, but why should we be surprised? That's what it takes to have a great love story. You truly have to give yourself up, completely, for the sake of the other person. At first it's easy because that love is so all consuming--you would literally do anything for them. And then, hopefully, it becomes a lifestyle for you--your life is about seeing this other person become well and whole (not in a co-dependent, "he needs me!" way, but in a "I love seeing Jesus work out His life through you" way that stays near and keeps hoping even in the roughest times), seeing them come fully to life in Him.

That takes a lifetime, a true commitment--and it's never easy. Falling in love with and then choosing to follow God is a lot the same--you must learn a steady commitment, faithfulness--and it's never going to be super easy. It's soul work--hard soul work--to stand by someone, to stand by God and see this journey through to the end. But that's the call on our lives--to live out our lives fully and completely before Him and each other, in this glorious, breaking, joyfully, painful, beautiful and vastly ugly way--all your flaws exposed and yet, at the same time, redeemed.

That's a marriage.

Choosing to be Fearless

I need a....

I would love to have a...

If I could just pin it down and bend it to my will...

Sorry, I've never not had an opening line as I write. Usually I have my first sentence fully formed before I ever get to my blog page and then it just free flows from there (no, I do not write these ahead of time, edit them to death and then post them--surprised? Don't be...God knows I am a recovering perfectionist and if I didn't just get out all I was thinking and feeling--with no looking back--it would never appear on this page. Hence the sometimes too much information/slightly strange posts. Hey, you're the one reading it! I didn't twist your arm!) Back to real life...blog life...whatever! (throws her hands up in the air) 

The point is, I want to understand love. I want to have it figured out to the "T" so I no longer have to obsess about it the way our freakin' modern culture does constantly. I want to pin it down, strangle it if I have to and understand it completely. I don't want it to be messy or unpredictable or not go my way--I want it mine and I want it now.

And that's why I have so many issues! I am being slightly ironic in this post, but the way I feel about love and how I wish it would behave just goes to show how far I must go in order to learn its secrets. I hate that I can't control--but that is loves very definition. No one has it pinned down or gets it right--we all stumble and mumble through it and a few of us (maybe they really are the lucky ones--or maybe they're just normal people with the same insane amount of issues who choose to be fearless) make it to the marriage altar and vow to stay together FOREVER!

Oh, man...I'm like one of those guys with commitment issues--except I'M NOT A GUY!! Haha, you just have to laugh.

But seriously, forever freaks me out. Maybe just because I overthink EVERYTHING constantly and can't help but analyze my life to death (I also pray, which keeps me from being a witless ninny--God helps me face life :)) but the idea of marriage is a LONG idea...it doesn't end (in my book) until one or the other of you keels over and dies.

See, that would be the end of my thought process--expect I started to fall in love once. The madness of that infatuation stage goes beyond what they show you in movies with the staring into your eyes deeply and never wanting to look away and the taking a walk by yourself for an hour and a half, just talking it out with God to try to get him out of your head only to having it destroyed by seeing him for fifteen minutes. Listening to his stories of his childhood (really, only got to hear one--wish there were more) and hearing his heart as he talked about the world and just wanting to be around him. I couldn't get enough. 

But I was too afraid--and stuck on my own idea about what my world would look like--and I wasn't fair and I sent mixed signals all the time and never, ever did I want to keep him from his dreams--and I didn't think those dreams could hold me. (Cause I'm my own God, right, and I know.) I didn't choose to be fearless, to risk it all and see what could be--I let it go...

And I just want to know what love is...because I think I botched my chance at learning to love fearlessly and I need God in the middle of all of that. 

I was reading Thomas Merton today and I just got stuck on one paragraph and then it made me cry:

"Let us, therefore, learn to pass from one imperfect activity to another without worrying too much about what we are missing. It is true that we make many mistakes. But the biggest of them all is to be surprised at them: as if we had some hope of never making any."

My theme for the year is both "Letting Go" and "Consecration". I don't know how those two could possibly exist in the same--universe? mind? sentence? They're diametrically opposed to one another--they'll never come into rhythm together. But maybe that's how God works--in all the ways we'd never expect Him to, except that we gave Him a chance. Maybe that's exactly what love is--facing the impossible with hope, knowing that you are not alone as you take this journey. Maybe the only way to love is to let go of all your thoughts and intentions and place them in the hands of another, trusting that they care enough for you to take the best care of you that they are possibly able to. I never understood that--my mistake...

I have to get used to my mistakes--forgive myself and move on and quit being so surprised at what they are and what they teach me. My small life matters--and He will keep loving me past my own insecurities and failures for the rest of my life--I never have to question that. Can you imagine the goodness of God?

Oh I needed to get that off my chest.

So...this year I will--choose life, mistakes and all, and learn to enjoy it for what it is. I will allow my heart to heal and continue to hope. I will stop trying to control all my outcomes and lean into love, His good, never-changing love. Whatever is around my corners is good.

I just want you (dear reader) to know that my feelings for that boy--ah, man!--have changed. God taught me forgiveness (for the poor dear had no idea what he was doing, his affect on me) and not to be ashamed of how I had felt ("How could you let someone you knew so little of get so far into your heart?" was the lie from the enemy that used to shame me).  My heart goes on...(cue Titanic music)

Love will make its way to me, steadily, softly--in the meantime, God has shown me more love in my lifetime than many know in any marriage. I am not ashamed to say that He is all I need. My life is in His hands--horrendous mistakes and all--and there is always hope! 

There is always hope.

Some more Merton, from No Man is an Island:

"It is, therefore, a very great thing to be little, which is to say: to be ourselves."

"A multitude of badly performed actions and of experiences only half-lived exhausts and depletes our being."

"It may happen that a man who is able to accomplish very little is much more of a person than another who seems to accomplish very much."

"A man who fails well is greater than one who succeeds badly."

"For we cannot make the best of what we are, if our hearts are always divided between what we are and what we are not."

"But, above all, we must learn our own weakness in order to awaken to a new order of action and being--and experience God Himself accomplishing in us the things we find impossible."

That's love for me. 

Scared Straight

I've been scared all my life.

I would hardly try anything new as a child--thank God learning to read was super easy for me or school would have been an awful chore. I never learned to ride a bike, would sit it out at a skating rink and only learned to swim because my parents forced me to.

A whole life...lived out of fear.

It's wild to get perspective on your life and realize what has been controlling you and even punishing you throughout all your years...wild to stand up and start to see the patterns and then realize, "I sure as heck don't want to live that way anymore!" I didn't learn to drive until I was eighteen and got my license at twenty-two (after graduating from college!). I drove away/neglected people I could have loved because fear dwelt so deep in me--it affected me in more ways than even I can pinpoint at this time.

But the glory on my life--and yours!--is that He sees very well the way that Satan has tried to steal from, kill in and destroy us--and His remedy is near.

Let me tell you a story.

Once there was a beautiful Princess who lived in a large tower. The tower kept her safe, locked away from the world, but it was also stifling. As the Princess looked out the window, she became increasingly more frightened by all she saw. Villagers grinning up at her looked like terrible monsters. Handsome young men were giants ready to attack. Small children seemed like little imps out to do her no good. Her fears continually overwhelmed her until she wouldn't even look up anymore from the dark corner she cowered in. It was all too much.

One day a handsome young Prince, her intended, rode up to the castle gates. He gazed up at the tower she was trapped in with a searching, unexplainable look--everyone wondered what he would do. The villagers all knew the Princess was hopelessly lost in her fears, they'd spoken about it many times, but the Prince wouldn't be content with this. He knew there was something more for her, for them together, and he was willing to do whatever it took to capture her gaze, earn her trust and teach her to love.

He rode over the drawbridge, up to the castle gates and passed through, fire in his eyes and love in his smile. His graceful mien was glorious to behold. He knew what he was about to do: he asked the Princess to dance.

She, with groping fingers, could barely dare to touch his hand, but she gave in. At first she couldn't even look into his eyes...the fear was too close. He asked for one dance each day and then went on his way. In time, his gracious devotion stole her heart. She ventured to gaze up at this man who would choose to love her, tentatively at first but then with greater and greater confidence. Soon, she was laughing, loving, enjoying the dance. Finally the wedding day came and a much changed Princess entered the room. Fear was no longer around her eyes, lingering at her fingertips--it had been chased away by pure love. She knew that she was the Beloved and that nothing could change that. The faithful devotion on the part of her Prince had reached in and healed the core of who she was. No matter what anyone else had spoken over her life or the lies which tried to surface--all passed away as she was swept up in the dance, looking into the eyes of her Prince. This confident hope could not be shaken--and it never was.

The Prince and Princess dwelt in her kingdom for many years until it was time for him to ascend his throne. Under his love, she became a gracious, lovely woman who saw many through their hurts and hang ups and always called them into the dance. Every ball was a sight to behold! Many joined in the dance as the Princess and her Prince waltzed through the room. Their pure joy at being together brought joy to those who witnessed it--it changed the entire kingdom. Then one day, the Princess became a Queen, ruling alongside her Beloved. Her dreams had more than come true.

This story is not only mine--it belongs to many others. Wherever your life has brought you, whatever stage you are at with your Prince--whether desperately afraid, tentatively peeking into His eyes or rejoicing in the dance, I pray you continue ever more earnestly to look into His eyes. Truth, strength, joy, love--there is enough for you. He has promised to see us through to the end and if you will let Him, you will dance together through this life.

Look into His eyes.

Abide.

I've been scared straight into His arms.

When Love Comes...

Every once in a great while, something extraordinary happens. An epiphany comes, seemingly out of nowhere, and your life is no longer the same. That’s what happened to me tonight…

I go to the Stirring every weekend at 6pm, religiously. I was feeling a bit obstinate today, so I got there late, sat alone, worship had already started. As we worshipped I was so intent, like I’d never been before. I could hardly sing or move around (very unusual for me). I gradually became aware that I felt like a newly married bride—just wanting to be near her husband, hungry for him, not sure if she could spend a day without him. That’s the strength and intensity of the desire I felt. It was just bizarre. It took me over…no other focus. I just wanted to be with my God, look Him in the face and hear the words He had to say to me. I never wanted anything more; I’ll never want anything more—just to be with Him.

Needless to say, I was a mess. When they started preaching, I immediately knew I needed to leave. I am a shy, rule oriented person, so standing up in the middle of a church service, gathering my things and walking out the door is not the norm for me. But there was almost a roaring in my ears and I couldn’t even focus, I knew I had to just go, Go, GO!

I left—and as I drove away I began to realize what all this was welling up inside. All my life, I have been chasing after other lovers. All my life…Each one got taken away from me, or I chose to leave them (mostly they were taken, with my consent). I mean, I loved my cat with all my heart, I loved Haiti, I loved S-----…when those weren’t going on, my heart was always searching, creating little love affairs. I loved so many—in my poor way—though they never knew. I was too afraid to publicly love—that would require risk. So I built shadows of the dream that love is, and was content, in my way, with these…I knew no other way.

They talked about loving Orphans tonight—my calling perhaps because I was one. I only learned to truly love another being with my first trip to Haiti, where God started ripping out bits of my heart and began to put in beautiful bloody bits of His own. I began to beat for a cause—and it ruined me. It brought me to the end of myself, looking up at God, crying out for Him to do something! Make it better! Heal this hurt! How can you live with this?” He smiled at me, comforted me, sang over me…He knew I’d understand soon.

Then S------—the poor sucker!—last of my shadow loves and most deadly. Loving him exposed the broken parts of me—the lie I carried that hissed, “Unworthy”, the belief that I would never be pursued—loving him ruined me. And I looked at God and moaned and said, "I don’t know if I can bear this!” God took His broken daughter in His arms, loved her past her shame and said, “You are my Bride.”

You are my Bride…broken, hollow, empty, soulless, fearful…

He said it again, “You are my Bride.” She began to look around, saw “Worthy, Adored, Radiant, Joy” written on the walls of her heart. She began to hope.

“You are My Bride.” Destiny pouring out for her, dreams taking shape, hope restored and restoration coming…

“YOU ARE MY BRIDE!” This last one was a shout and with it all fear was dismantled. All that the little girl had built her life upon was suddenly in tatters and she found herself looking into the face of her King, her Father, her Bridegroom and laughing with Him at it. And they began to rebuild together, from the inside out.

That is what is happening in me. That is why I am overcome with my desire to be with Him—I know now who my True Love is and my heart is finally able to feel all that it was created to feel. And all that it wants—every beat of it—is to be with Him. It knows that it can have no other lovers and that all it needs is found in Him, and so it thirsts for Him achingly—oh to know the goodness of God and eat at His table. No more wandering beggar in rags, trying to find crumbs where she could. Now I know I am the Princess, the Desire of His Heart and I will preside at His table. His banner over me is love and I shall never leave its shade.

I’m finally able to only want you.