Battle with Insignificance

 Whenever you’re starting out somewhere new, a piece of you—the one that’s still trying to prove itself and doesn’t quite understand grace—will be trying to show, desperately, just how good you are and how fit for the job. For all of us struggling procrastinators and oldest children with perfectionist tendencies, this can be the (figuratively) the death of us! We struggle so hard to be liked and to please and have such a hard time accepting the compliments and well wishes that come our way that we can swamp out all the good with our self doubt.

I write from where I am: a new place where my old ‘striving’ and ‘trying to prove myself’ tendencies have kept me on my toes in my mind for far too long. Despite multiple assurances of my place here and how valued I am, I can’t get through my head that I’m doing well. I must strive, I must forge ahead, I must do things in a new way and see results and…this is exhausting and has no fruit.

As I recall, there’s a Hebrew word for this…the word literally means to walk about in a circle. When we are stuck trying to prove ourselves, we get nowhere. And as we get nowhere, because we have refused to simply be His children and move as He calls, we get really frustrated. So we try even harder…and the circle in the dirt gets deeper but…it’s still a circle in the dirt.

In this last season, I’ve found that the real battle is with the lie the enemy has tried to put on me: insignificant. It has coloured all my perceptions and my thoughts; it has created barriers between me and those I could love in this new environment because I am constantly on the look out for their assessment of my performance.

Dwelling under insignificance, like fear (which I have battled through working under), makes for terrible working conditions to say the least. It will keep you from your full potential, if left unchecked. It becomes the net by which you are ensnared and there, caught in your own imperfect assessments as well as the cruelly (by you) interpreted assessments of those around you…you find…a cage…a prison…the white walls…are you understanding me?

You are trapped in bondage, that which you were never meant to endure has become your prison sentence.

Every word, thought, deed is filtered through this mask that keeps you from seeing life as it truly is. And you can’t escape it: your mind goes with you wherever you go, overanalyzing, trying to justify and reading into everything…it really becomes a bore.

The first step in reclaiming your life from insignificance is acknowledging it. As ‘we’ (all those books and workshops whose focus is to bring inner healing) have learned through the years, the first step toward solving a problem is noticing the problem is there. Well done you.

Second, confession. This is basic…but it works. There’s no formula: it’s just simply letting God and any person who you feel needs to know that your life is feeling pretty ratty. Acknowledging that, as well as what a lie it is, can be really freeing.

Confession also frees you in that there is power in speaking out the things you struggle with, particularly to God. Once you acknowledge your sin (in this case a false mindset) it says He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. So it’s pretty simple: you, bring Him your mess. He takes care of it. I like this…

Third: be yourself, even if sometimes in your own estimation you seem like too much or have too much to say or do things you think other people will think are weird. God created you as you: He must have had a reason. I think you are a pretty big deal in His world: and you are in ours too. Please offer yourself with all your tweaks and quirks, I promise you, you will find people who love your authentic self. (Trust me, I’ve done it!) Authenticity coupled with vulnerability will create strong beautiful relationships in your life—and those are worth having. Relationships, after all, will carry over into the next life, though they will be changed. Build them, don’t let anything, especially insignificance, bar you from them.

Now when I say, “be as you are”; I hope you realize I’m not giving a licence for sin. If you have things you need to be working through…work through them with the Lord before the people He has put as accountability partners in your life. Don’t be a mess just to be a mess: you were made to be a blessing. But DO let God heal the parts of who you are that may have been repressed or rejected. If someone told you you have big teeth and it’s made you afraid to smile anymore…please bring that to God and ask Him to show you how beautiful you are. If you can’t wear swimsuits anymore because someone made a comment that your butt is too big, forget them! Ask God to show you who you are. It may take a while to sift through it all (sometimes we have a lifetime behind us full of junk) but God is willing and faithful and will bring things up as you can deal with them. He’s good like that. Always be replacing lies people have put onto you with the truth as God shows it to you. Remember, He don’t make junk.

I think that’s it: be authentic, be real, be loved…keep working past ANY lies that keep you in the dark. The Father of lights does give good gifts—I pray you’ll be on the lookout for them and receive them from Him. He is so good…and He does such good work in you, as you allow Him.

Walking with the Lord…

Alignment

Alignment...this is the word which keeps coming to me as I progress through this season.

Alignment...it involves more than knowing something about the Lord and about the season He has you in and the words He's speaking into you. When you align with a group or person or idea, you're not only believing it but you also choose to be in it. It's almost an abiding that occurs as you possess this idea, thing, person more and more within your being. It's a gradual process, but its very deep--all encompassing.

It's what happens through dating as you move towards becoming one. You gradually are finding that every bit of you aligns with them and at the end of a long process of being known and getting to know, you are finally one. Possessed by them, in a sense, in the best way, as your two lives are now joined--every bit of who you are and who they are filled in with each other and you continue to build this oneness throughout your whole lives.

Marriage: a constant aligning.

Alignment: the most beautiful and sacred process, but also the most perilous...for I find that I can align where I am not supposed to, and I have to ask the Lord to pull me back.

And the beautiful thing is, He does. We don't even have to strive but just lay back against His chest (as a song I'm listening to right now by Jenn Johnson says--perfect timing! haha). He knows how to constantly realigning us with Himself so that we find our lives--in whatever way they have gone a little bit out of whack--coming into true alignment and finding life as He breathes His strength, joy, hope, whatever you need into the place where you are, the struggle, the misalignment...

I'm not saying that it happens quickly or easily in any way (some things must be brought to Him again and again, over and over, day after day) but He does not mind the struggle the way that we do. He even celebrates it, because as we don't give up and keep bringing our struggle to Him, it creates intimacy. Your struggle can actually be the best thing for your relationship with God because it creates this healthy reliance that brings Him such joy and leads in the end to your peace. And as you are comforted, over and over, you learn how to bring His comfort to others who have been struggling.

We talked through relationships this week with a lovely couple, originally from Washington, now living in Budapest with their 16-month-old son (he came with them--what a joy!). They were honest about their struggles and guided us through discussions on sex, marriage, stewardship, legacy and conflict resolution. It was a packed week with a lot of good confirmation in my life as well as realizing how much better I can do relationships (with the Lord's help). I have been a mess sometimes, but this alignment with the Lord and an understanding of myself, where I have come from and why I have reacted to life the way I have is both beautiful and hopeful--I won't stay where I have been and I am aligning with the King of the Universe for the best in my future.

I am a little life, but He cares dearly for me.

May I ever align with You, Lord. Thank You for the grace in my untangling.

Offer It: Whatever You Have...It's Good

Things have settled down at our ‘house’, around our base. We’re becoming familiar with one another, learning boundaries and quirks, already seeing changes in freedom and self worth, beginning to understand and hope in one another. It’s the transition stage where we’re not all trying to be super polite anymore, but we’re not quite sure of one another and even as we interact and learn of one another, we also are all continuously changing—so the person sitting across from you one day is a different person the next.

We’re being rewired into family. And family is an evolving, bouncing ball: depending on what we put into it, it can change shape and form, be extremely playful or extremely threatening (there are many places to play ball—the street is not preferred, i.e. lets continue to create a safe atmosphere!), hopeful and life giving or graceless and detrimental.

(If you are praying, pray we continue to mature and grow into truly healthy relationships growing past having mutual respect to truly honouring one another…that Christ would be present in all we do, even now as we grow into this team He can use. THANKS)

I, for one, am having a fantastic time growing alongside these guys. I appreciate the leaps and bounds they make, the ways they try to bury themselves in the Lord, the ways they grapple with their frustration until it turns for their good, the way they see into each other (and me) for all that we are worth and call it out! Next week the topic in lectures is “Relationships” and I don’t even know how good it’s going to be: I just know that this is a week the Lord is excited for, especially for me, and I can’t wait to see what He points out and restores.

It’s so good to be around people who are actively growing into wholeness and doing it pointedly before you. There’s a reason YWAM embraces community living as a core value: this closeness allows you to be revealed as you really are and see each other up close every day, the beautiful ways that we have learned to live out love. There’s one mom on base who always takes time for her young son—and that’s really healing for me to see, for whatever reason. And it’s little moments like that, where we really get to see each other every day that make this place and what the Lord is doing so unique.

I had a hard moment this week, where I had to share and face a hard reality of my life. I shared the moment and what God was revealing right after with my roommates (who all happened to show up at the same time) and the Lord used them to speak such life into me, showing me where God had already gone before to redeem me and even assured me that my life blessed them. God redeems. He lets us live close, be known, be seen and I…am just in awe.

I know we don’t all get the opportunity (and may not be made for that kind of intentional living—God, in all His diversity, arranged us for all sorts of lovely ways of living out healthy lives…this is not about whether you’re in communal housing or not) but be aware of the lives you affect every day. You may think you are just bopping along (“You do you!” as some people say) and totally, be yourself! But be aware—like, in awe—of the fact that God is using you in His own way every day. Submit to that: you are the living sacrifice. You think you’re walking to the bus stop—but you just offered a smile to someone that literally lifted them from despair. You are just getting a haircut—but as you talk and encourage those around you, you are giving them hope. You are just sitting with your sister—but you’re letting her know by your nearness that she is important to you. You are just playing with your kid—but that soon-to-be mother across the room from you is learning how to parent.

So thank you, wherever you are, whatever you do. You make a difference in this world. You are significant. Your voice needs to be heard.

You do you—the world changes.  And it may be small at first—but being faithful, even in that small thing, can have huge significance. You never know how the Lord will add to it when you ask Him. He has more to offer, more to give—keep asking.

Still hungry and always full—the paradox of His Kingdom in you!

Here in Ireland? haha...how good is God.

 Ireland…you forget where you are sometimes…the only thing I can compare it to is waking up from a dream—except that all was before is now past, almost beyond my ability to recognize it as fact because it feels dream-like. And being here, among this tribe and finding out who I am among them feels more substantial than anything that was before. I get to live in the dream—things I had been hoping and praying, almost without any faith that they could be reality—they’re here now. And yeah, that seems dramatic—but it’s the most accurate way for me to articulate my present reality.

Let me paint a picture of where we are as a school and what God has done with all these hungry children of His: a lot of repentance (and heart-felt, not contrived) which has lead us into His Presence, worship where we touch heaven and camaraderie that brings hope. It is obviously not without its limitations and times when we must press through into all that He calls us to, but He is drawing more and more freedom and joy out as the days go by. I personally am finding myself in a new place: coming out of drought. I had few close friends who were near geographically, now I need only to step outside my bedroom door—well, actually, they live with me…I don’t even have to get out of bed to have relationship—they’re all right here, asking me how I am doing, choosing to be present with me. It’s deep relationships and community which is open and near,  deep trust developing, an awareness among us of the Spirit of God moving and we get to be part of it.

My favorite room is the Prayer Room—I keep flying away to this sanctuary where we press in and ask for more. And it’s coming—in a little town where class lines are drawn and hatred can press in close, God is unlocking hearts. A tiny team goes to the pub every Tuesday and last week a patron was talking with one of our older leaders about my fellow YWAMer’s. “I want what they have,” he said. The leader, Damien, said, “You realize what they have is God, right? And He’s available to you right now?” And this gentleman prayed and accepted Jesus and is now praying for us! This is the first of many, I am declaring in faith!

We have intercession multiple times throughout our week (we are LOVING hearing from God together!) Today Damien (same guy in the pub) told stories of villagers he knows—they’re struggles and hang ups, wrote their names on pieces of paper, and had us circulate the room in teams praying for them. We’re learning what and how these people live…there is so much more that the Lord wants to point out here. I can almost see the chariots of fire and angels ready to descend on this town, to finally bring hope and life where the enemy has for too long had his way. Join us in our brave Warrior prayers! I am running with excellence and among excellent people.

Let's GOOOOO!!!!!!!!

I went on a walk in the park today.

You know, life is funny. Sometimes we get into this place where the Lord reminds us of where we were—wanting to pull from and remind you of that beauty, asking you to bring the fruit of that season into the next one to come.

I used to run cross country: a little bit as a young kid, for a year in high school and then one last year in college. The college bit was hilarious—a friend (who I had run with during the previous year) had forced, *ahem, asked me to join, then promptly quit. I had not run on my own all summer (I lived where it was freakin’ hot…okay, that’s just a bad excuse) and I was the slowest girl on the team. Turned out, I was not only the slowest on my team, but also the slowest of all the runners in college. We went to a Division I race out in Standford—the first race I was able to run for my team—and I was cart girl.

Yes. Cart girl.

Let me define cart girl for you, as I can see the blank expression invading your face. A cart girl is the one who is followed by the golf cart, because she is dead last.

Dead…last…really really really…the absolute last one out of hundreds.

For some reason though, I am not at all ashamed of being the loser. I know I wasn’t built for running (the area where I excelled—literally—was the 100 meter). But there is something about cross country running…just the joy of being in the race. Even if I was last, I was the last out of the best runners in our state. I was in the presence (well, at least inhaling the dust of…) the Greats.

That’s a big deal.

Let me be in the race, even if I am the least of all, because at least I’m in the race. That’s a lot more than some people ever get to do. J

At the park today, I was spending time just being with the Lord, out in His beautiful green cathedral. All of a sudden, a big yellow bus pulls up and I remembered—it’s cross country season. The leaves are changing, the air is getting cooler and its time to run…

It’s time to run…

I have been on my own now, struggling to keep the ground I gain, for the past several years. There are those who have come alongside me (I am so thankful for their presence) who dropped in and asked me to share how I was doing, prayed with me…but they had to keep moving, running their section of the race. There was no true team running beside me, in the same direction, holding me up.

I believe—no, I know—that the Lord used that season to draw me into His arms, to teach me the truth of desperate love that will never leave you. He pulled me close to speak identity, heal wounds, make straight that which had gone crooked. I saw a picture of it today in a crippled robin. This robin was hopping around on one leg—the other leg was twisted and bent so that it couldn’t use it. It didn’t even look like a leg. I was that robin at one time, it was a picture for me. He won’t launch you to fly until you’re healthy enough to land. He heals so that you can display His life-saving work—and life—through you. So, in the Lord’s forever bent backward sense of logic: He created a phenomenal time of healing for me in the midst of much trauma. He knew I couldn’t fly forward or show who He truly was until He walked me through this season of His deep work being done in me. I thank Him every day for His love and devotion to me during that season—the joy of being His because I had nothing left—it’s a crazy place to be, but He chooses to be with us there—and it’s enough.

And now…the seasons change…

The runners come forth—each has trained—possibly for months—for this time when they come together to show forth their strength together. You know, a cross country team has a very unique dynamic, especially as it comes to the point system, the way you win. It’s set up so that each member of the team is desperately needed and definitely important—whatever place you end up in, is the score you get. If I came in 20^th, I got twenty points added to my team score. In this way, they define the success of one another because you add together the points to come up with the overall score—the ones with the lowest score being the winning team. So, say my team is phenomenal and we get respective scores of 1, 3, 8, 12 and 20: a total score of 44! But, conversely, if you do badly, your team does badly. So, their goal is to keep you encouraged—no matter what place you are in—so that you don’t give up and keep pressing forward.

It’s a phenomenal thing, being part of a team and the Lord is pulling me back into that dynamic as I move forward into YWAM. Learning how to be there for one another, putting their needs above your own (while maintaining your source—your relationship with the Father—without that, you have nothing to give—and I mean nothing), seeing just how far we can go together and encouraging each other—we don’t know when or where this will end—we must make the most of the time for as long as we are able.

It’s a beautiful thing to be back in the race, to know that your voice is heard by others and they are in this for the long haul. I am praying into being a healthy, joyful part of my team—letting the Lord work in and through me so that His love will be drastically felt! Haha, not dramatic at all here! But it’s exciting—to know that the new season is coming, teamwork, hope and joy…joy, even though there is much self discipline and stripping off of layers (sin, mindsets, whatever it may be that keeps us from running the race) so that we can move forward completely confident in Him.

To the race…

Just Waiting?

Waiting…

I’m going to be one of the subjects of a photo shoot my friend is doing. The topic of the photo essay she is creating from all of these pieces is “waiting”. She only asked me yesterday to be part of the process and at first I was caught off guard—then I realized: ‘this is perfect.’

Not perfect in the sense that it will have no troubles and will be exactly like heaven and Jesus (they are the few perfect things I know of—really perfect). No, rather in the this-will-make-so-much-sense-to-do because-it-is-who-I-have-become over the past few months, no, years.

It’s been years of waiting.

Years of wondering and trying to get by and failing and asking for help from the only one who truly understands and can help me get through this because all other resources fall short because they can’t see the core of who I am and all I am going through…but…He does.

The relief of knowing Jesus—that is where I stand now. I consider it not an exclusive place, but a sacred place, a place not every person gets into, can fathom. Hope is so deep there that no matter what life brings and the pain your soul may feel you keep pressing further, deeper into all He has for you.

For you know that He is good—His faithful closeness to you in the moments when you cried out have taught you that He is near always and to be trusted. You know—deeply inside yourself, past all the doubts that try to speak but have no authority anymore because He entered that place first and proved Himself faithful before they ever started to shriek—you know He can be trusted. You even know that He is good, crazy as it seems, uncertain as it shows up in your life. You know who you are in Him—the wild goodness, dreams, abilities, talents, loves of your soul—you know all those because He has taught you who you are and what you love and He is the one who created you so we always know that He knows best, even when it can seem ludicrous to us. Like, for me, I am a Warrior Princess. I wave flags in worship, waging gentle war, changing the atmosphere. I am a writer, a lover of children, an educator, a dancer…distant, subtle dreams blooming under His care.

I will hike many miles in my lifetime—first here in California along the PCT and eventually in Haiti where many live far up in distant mountains and valleys (Haiti is a land once described as “mountains upon mountains”) and we will walk to them, offering the good news of tremendous love offered by Jesus Christ. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I know—beyond what anyone could say of me or about me, who He has made me to be.

And He’s good.

And I’m good, as I hide myself in Him.

Now is waiting—but wondering, becoming, all that I need to move forward and through all the years before me—is also being arranged and birthed—really set to light in these years.

So if you are waiting…wondering…searching…I ask you to search Him out.

Wait for Him.

Cry out to Him in the night, the moment where truth (the truth of your life) becomes despair and you just need a Savior.

He will be there. He has always been there and will always choose to be there.

Great love.

Died on a cross.

To save YOU.

My waiting is no longer fear—all trust. May it be the same for you.