My brother's getting married in a few weeks--astonishing really!
Not that he's incapable or unworthy of love--but just love, in itself, is an astonishing bit of joy. Sometimes its the craziest thing ever showing up in the middle of pain and the brokenness that can sometimes surround a life. Pouf!--bang!--something new happens and you're never the same! haha
I was working on the "Bride" chapter in my book yesterday--that call is on all of our lives. Heidi Baker puts it really well--I was reading one of her books the other day and she talked about how this love--loving our Father--will cost us everything, but why should we be surprised? That's what it takes to have a great love story. You truly have to give yourself up, completely, for the sake of the other person. At first it's easy because that love is so all consuming--you would literally do anything for them. And then, hopefully, it becomes a lifestyle for you--your life is about seeing this other person become well and whole (not in a co-dependent, "he needs me!" way, but in a "I love seeing Jesus work out His life through you" way that stays near and keeps hoping even in the roughest times), seeing them come fully to life in Him.
That takes a lifetime, a true commitment--and it's never easy. Falling in love with and then choosing to follow God is a lot the same--you must learn a steady commitment, faithfulness--and it's never going to be super easy. It's soul work--hard soul work--to stand by someone, to stand by God and see this journey through to the end. But that's the call on our lives--to live out our lives fully and completely before Him and each other, in this glorious, breaking, joyfully, painful, beautiful and vastly ugly way--all your flaws exposed and yet, at the same time, redeemed.
That's a marriage.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, May 30, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
New Vision
I just love this book, The Meaning of Marriage. I don't do this (too) often...but today all I want to do is absorb this bit of wisdom from Timothy Keller and his wife:
"My wife, Kathy, often says that most people, when they are looking for a spouse, are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. Not so you can create the kind of person you want, but rather because you see what kind of person Jesus is making. When Michelangelo was asked how he carved his magnificent David, his reply is reputed to have been, 'I looked inside the marble and just took away the bits that weren't David.' When looking for a marriage partner, each must be able to look inside the other and see what God is doing and be excited about being part of the process of liberating the 'new you.'
'If we let Him...He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less.' (quoted from C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, 174-5
"This is by no means a romanticized approach--rather it is brutally realistic. In this view of marriage, each person says to the other, 'I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, dependencies. But underneath them all I see growing the person God wants you to be.' This is radically different from the search for 'compatibility'. As we have seen, researchers have discovered that this term means we are looking for a partner who accepts us just as we are. This is the very opposite of that! The search for an ideal mate is a hopeless quest. This is also a radically different approach from the cynical or cold method of finding a spouse who can just deliver social status, financial security or great sex.
"If you don't see your mate's deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you're not even in the game. But if you don't get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren't tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be.
"When two Christians who fully understand this stand before the minister all decked out in thier wedding finery, they realize that they're not just playing dress-up. What they're saying is that someday they are going to be standing not before the minister but before the Lord. And they will turn to see each other without spot or blemish. And they hope to hear God say, 'Well done, good and faithful servants. Over the years you have lifted one another up to me. You sacrificed for one another. You held one another up with prayer and thanksgiving. You confronted each other. You rebuked each other. You hugged and you loved each other and continually pushed each other toward me. And now look at you. You're radiant." (133-4)
I have a new vision for all that this could be...glad to live with the God who is constantly changing my mind and my perception of the world.
"My wife, Kathy, often says that most people, when they are looking for a spouse, are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. Not so you can create the kind of person you want, but rather because you see what kind of person Jesus is making. When Michelangelo was asked how he carved his magnificent David, his reply is reputed to have been, 'I looked inside the marble and just took away the bits that weren't David.' When looking for a marriage partner, each must be able to look inside the other and see what God is doing and be excited about being part of the process of liberating the 'new you.'
'If we let Him...He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less.' (quoted from C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, 174-5
"This is by no means a romanticized approach--rather it is brutally realistic. In this view of marriage, each person says to the other, 'I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, dependencies. But underneath them all I see growing the person God wants you to be.' This is radically different from the search for 'compatibility'. As we have seen, researchers have discovered that this term means we are looking for a partner who accepts us just as we are. This is the very opposite of that! The search for an ideal mate is a hopeless quest. This is also a radically different approach from the cynical or cold method of finding a spouse who can just deliver social status, financial security or great sex.
"If you don't see your mate's deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you're not even in the game. But if you don't get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren't tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be.
"When two Christians who fully understand this stand before the minister all decked out in thier wedding finery, they realize that they're not just playing dress-up. What they're saying is that someday they are going to be standing not before the minister but before the Lord. And they will turn to see each other without spot or blemish. And they hope to hear God say, 'Well done, good and faithful servants. Over the years you have lifted one another up to me. You sacrificed for one another. You held one another up with prayer and thanksgiving. You confronted each other. You rebuked each other. You hugged and you loved each other and continually pushed each other toward me. And now look at you. You're radiant." (133-4)
I have a new vision for all that this could be...glad to live with the God who is constantly changing my mind and my perception of the world.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Life is Not What You Expect--and Trust Takes Time
Hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh, oh
Only sound, only sound, that you hear is "no"
You never saw it coming
Slipped when you started running
And now you've come undone, and I, I, I, I
Seen you fall, seen you crawl, on your knees, eh, eh
Seen you lost in a crowd, seen your colors fade
Wish I could make it better
Someday you won't remember,
This pain you thought would last forever and ever
[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction
Just a shot, just a shot, in the dark, oh, oh
All you got, all you got, are your shattered hopes
They never saw it coming
You hit the ground running
And now you're on to something
I, I, I say
What a sight, what a sight, when the light came on
Proved me right, proved me right, when you proved them wrong
And in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever
[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction
There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction (fiction)
[Bridge]
I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud
I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud
And when they call your name
And they put your picture in a frame
You know that I'll be there time and again
'Cause I loved you when
When you hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh oh
Only sound, only sound that you heard was "no"
Now in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever (forever)
[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction
There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction, fiction
Sweeter than fiction,
It's sweeter, yeah,
It's sweeter, it's sweeter,
Sweeter than fiction
Read more: Taylor Swift - Sweeter Than Fiction Lyrics | MetroLyrics
haha, I meant to post this video
but the last thing I copied happened to be the lyrics to that awesome Taylor Swift song (yes, I am one of her fans!) and I'll let it be. Take the hope from it--your journey is not over and when you do get to the beautiful place where God has destined to set you--we will all cheer! Hang in for the moment, if you're in the waiting--you're in good company :) Excellent company, worthy company, doesn't get better than what you find here! (Egotistical much? haha, I love writing ridiculous things!)
I like the afore mentioned video because--interestingly enough--it speaks to the audacity of relationships (all, but I'm thinking particularly of marriage) and how the trust we need to build these relationships takes time. Simple message, right, nothing super profound--but yet so many of us miss this! I'm just thinking out loud of the girls who will walk away into the dark with a boy who they just meet and are willing to do what's asked of them because he's cute. (Not that this happened anytime recently anywhere I have been...) I mean, self-respect, worthiness, loyalty, protecting your heart--do these exist?
Relationships take time, balance, precision (seriously, watch the video, it's so awesome) all of which are displayed in this Cirque de Soleil clip. By time, I mean--time! You do not fall in love with someone without putting the time in, being set in their presence more than once. And you can't keep falling in love with them and giving of yourself to them day after day and night after night if the time is too short--spend that precious commodity wisely.
Balance--aah! It just takes two to tango (this is where I can get it wrong--the tango scares me!!! haha) but seriously, it takes work and delight and speaking words of hope and affirmation into the relationship on both sides. You have to speak life into what is forming between you two--or it will die. (I've seen it! Grisly affair...) You can't be the only one moving forward--and you can't drag each other around. Balance--this is key. Balance in your ability to communicate, your intelligence levels (hopefully! haha, I'm just cracking myself up today), your needs, your dreams for the future--if these are slightly off, you must work at meeting each other--right?
Precision--intentionality...this is the choice to meet the other person where they are at, when you are in that moment with them, you are with them and them alone. Another person is not on your mind, you're not checking out your facebook wall--you are there. Because their life hangs in the balance, because you are the closest one to their heart, because its just to easy to get hurt if...if one of us forgets to care and lets go.
Because this is a do-or-die thing, jumping into relationships. God asks us to give of ourselves fully, to die to ourselves, in order to follow Him completely, with our whole heart. Something in me--that self preservation--has to die every day as I choose to be with God and do as He asks me to do. And I'm not good at that, I can promise you. But I'm a little closer today. My trust has grown past what it was a year ago, for certain. I am growing into this dance between Father, Son and Holy Spirit--finding my place.
Marriage--isn't marriage a death? (Don't ask me why I can't write about anything but love and marriage lately--it is not intentionally, I just write what's in me, take it or leave it!) But seriously, when you begin a marriage, that day you are making a proclamation to die to yourself and all your worldly wants and where you thought you had to go in life--and instead care about him/her more than you will ever care about yourself. It's a death. It's letting go of having to have your own way and being in charge of your own body and all the coinciding that a life now lived together details--it's a death.
But isn't it also a life to something grander, something with more purpose? Sure, you had to give up your three hour video game sessions or your long nights in front of the TV watching the Bachelor--but weren't those things on the way to destroying you anyway? Yeah, you can't sleep with everything that moves--but that was just weird anyway! You should have never been that person! (heehee) It's almost like--now its being demanded of you that you are someone better than you planned to be and come hail or high water, s/he will drag that good person out of you.
Okay, it's really demanding. And no one is perfect, so you won't get it right. That's just the reality of the beast--but hey! If you choose to rise to this beloved persons expectations of what they think you could be then (with God's help) maybe you are that brave or smart or cunning or able to rescue the cat out of that tree. Just think of all you could do with all that love behind you. It's a little (or a lottle!) overwhelming.
But isn't that how God stands behind us? His love and all His plans are much grander than we could have ever picked out. "Hey, you there, yeah, you kid? (whispers His dream in your ear as your eyes go wide) Yup, that's about the sum of it! Go on, get out there!" And then you skip away, looking back at Him wonderingly, "He thinks I can...?"
It's a powerful force, love. It's a powerful love, knowing God has dreams for you that only you can accomplish. And you just have no idea how to go about them, but He'll be the one behind you, giving you strength, endurance, passion--isn't that such a bit of beauty, a new spark?--hope.
Hope. There is a big God and He has big dreams. He sent His Son to die, not so we would stand around wailing and lamenting it forever ("oh, how shameful am I! I can't believe He had to die for me!"--and I'm making fun of no one but myself as I write this. It's how I used to live) Rather, (and this is the creepy, scary, spooky part that a lot of people miss when they look at Christianity) we were made to be filled with His new life, the life even that brought Him back from the dead! It's like--we've been pretending that there was nothing left to do after you said you'd follow Jesus--so you just sit there, saying, "I follow Jesus!" And then all of a sudden, a lightning bolt strikes and God says, "Get moving! There's a world out there needs some saving--we've got to see them healed and renewed in body and soul and you 'uns are the ones to do it! Now scram!" And then He fills us up with His power and out we run.
Yup, that's about the size of it. (sidenote: Can you tell I just watched the play Oklahoma--my, my, I sure do pick up on the idiosyncrasies of language right quick and then they get stuck in my writing and speech. You should hear me after I've watched the comedian Will Reagan! and when I write after reading Lord of the Rings--oh Middle Earth! haha) Learning to move out of His love, not just have a knowledge of it.
So, trust...watch that video and tell me that you will put yourself in a jeopardizing situation, out in the dark with a boy you don't know. Tell me you're going to trust your life to anyone but Jesus. There are some things that there are no two ways about--trust takes time and putting your life into someone else's hands is a big deal. It is worth it--who wouldn't want all that love behind them?--but the choice must be made careful. These are the forever things, dontcha know?
Only sound, only sound, that you hear is "no"
You never saw it coming
Slipped when you started running
And now you've come undone, and I, I, I, I
Seen you fall, seen you crawl, on your knees, eh, eh
Seen you lost in a crowd, seen your colors fade
Wish I could make it better
Someday you won't remember,
This pain you thought would last forever and ever
[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction
Just a shot, just a shot, in the dark, oh, oh
All you got, all you got, are your shattered hopes
They never saw it coming
You hit the ground running
And now you're on to something
I, I, I say
What a sight, what a sight, when the light came on
Proved me right, proved me right, when you proved them wrong
And in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever
[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction
There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction (fiction)
[Bridge]
I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud
I'll be one of the many saying
Look at you now, look at you now, now
I'll be one of the many saying
You made us proud, you made us proud, proud
And when they call your name
And they put your picture in a frame
You know that I'll be there time and again
'Cause I loved you when
When you hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground, oh oh
Only sound, only sound that you heard was "no"
Now in this perfect weather
It's like we don't remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever (forever)
[Chorus]
There you'll stand, ten feet tall
I will say, "I knew it all along"
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction
There you'll stand, next to me
All at once, the rest is history
Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction, fiction
Sweeter than fiction,
It's sweeter, yeah,
It's sweeter, it's sweeter,
Sweeter than fiction
Read more: Taylor Swift - Sweeter Than Fiction Lyrics | MetroLyrics
haha, I meant to post this video
but the last thing I copied happened to be the lyrics to that awesome Taylor Swift song (yes, I am one of her fans!) and I'll let it be. Take the hope from it--your journey is not over and when you do get to the beautiful place where God has destined to set you--we will all cheer! Hang in for the moment, if you're in the waiting--you're in good company :) Excellent company, worthy company, doesn't get better than what you find here! (Egotistical much? haha, I love writing ridiculous things!)
I like the afore mentioned video because--interestingly enough--it speaks to the audacity of relationships (all, but I'm thinking particularly of marriage) and how the trust we need to build these relationships takes time. Simple message, right, nothing super profound--but yet so many of us miss this! I'm just thinking out loud of the girls who will walk away into the dark with a boy who they just meet and are willing to do what's asked of them because he's cute. (Not that this happened anytime recently anywhere I have been...) I mean, self-respect, worthiness, loyalty, protecting your heart--do these exist?
Relationships take time, balance, precision (seriously, watch the video, it's so awesome) all of which are displayed in this Cirque de Soleil clip. By time, I mean--time! You do not fall in love with someone without putting the time in, being set in their presence more than once. And you can't keep falling in love with them and giving of yourself to them day after day and night after night if the time is too short--spend that precious commodity wisely.
Balance--aah! It just takes two to tango (this is where I can get it wrong--the tango scares me!!! haha) but seriously, it takes work and delight and speaking words of hope and affirmation into the relationship on both sides. You have to speak life into what is forming between you two--or it will die. (I've seen it! Grisly affair...) You can't be the only one moving forward--and you can't drag each other around. Balance--this is key. Balance in your ability to communicate, your intelligence levels (hopefully! haha, I'm just cracking myself up today), your needs, your dreams for the future--if these are slightly off, you must work at meeting each other--right?
Precision--intentionality...this is the choice to meet the other person where they are at, when you are in that moment with them, you are with them and them alone. Another person is not on your mind, you're not checking out your facebook wall--you are there. Because their life hangs in the balance, because you are the closest one to their heart, because its just to easy to get hurt if...if one of us forgets to care and lets go.
Because this is a do-or-die thing, jumping into relationships. God asks us to give of ourselves fully, to die to ourselves, in order to follow Him completely, with our whole heart. Something in me--that self preservation--has to die every day as I choose to be with God and do as He asks me to do. And I'm not good at that, I can promise you. But I'm a little closer today. My trust has grown past what it was a year ago, for certain. I am growing into this dance between Father, Son and Holy Spirit--finding my place.
Marriage--isn't marriage a death? (Don't ask me why I can't write about anything but love and marriage lately--it is not intentionally, I just write what's in me, take it or leave it!) But seriously, when you begin a marriage, that day you are making a proclamation to die to yourself and all your worldly wants and where you thought you had to go in life--and instead care about him/her more than you will ever care about yourself. It's a death. It's letting go of having to have your own way and being in charge of your own body and all the coinciding that a life now lived together details--it's a death.
But isn't it also a life to something grander, something with more purpose? Sure, you had to give up your three hour video game sessions or your long nights in front of the TV watching the Bachelor--but weren't those things on the way to destroying you anyway? Yeah, you can't sleep with everything that moves--but that was just weird anyway! You should have never been that person! (heehee) It's almost like--now its being demanded of you that you are someone better than you planned to be and come hail or high water, s/he will drag that good person out of you.
Okay, it's really demanding. And no one is perfect, so you won't get it right. That's just the reality of the beast--but hey! If you choose to rise to this beloved persons expectations of what they think you could be then (with God's help) maybe you are that brave or smart or cunning or able to rescue the cat out of that tree. Just think of all you could do with all that love behind you. It's a little (or a lottle!) overwhelming.
But isn't that how God stands behind us? His love and all His plans are much grander than we could have ever picked out. "Hey, you there, yeah, you kid? (whispers His dream in your ear as your eyes go wide) Yup, that's about the sum of it! Go on, get out there!" And then you skip away, looking back at Him wonderingly, "He thinks I can...?"
It's a powerful force, love. It's a powerful love, knowing God has dreams for you that only you can accomplish. And you just have no idea how to go about them, but He'll be the one behind you, giving you strength, endurance, passion--isn't that such a bit of beauty, a new spark?--hope.
Hope. There is a big God and He has big dreams. He sent His Son to die, not so we would stand around wailing and lamenting it forever ("oh, how shameful am I! I can't believe He had to die for me!"--and I'm making fun of no one but myself as I write this. It's how I used to live) Rather, (and this is the creepy, scary, spooky part that a lot of people miss when they look at Christianity) we were made to be filled with His new life, the life even that brought Him back from the dead! It's like--we've been pretending that there was nothing left to do after you said you'd follow Jesus--so you just sit there, saying, "I follow Jesus!" And then all of a sudden, a lightning bolt strikes and God says, "Get moving! There's a world out there needs some saving--we've got to see them healed and renewed in body and soul and you 'uns are the ones to do it! Now scram!" And then He fills us up with His power and out we run.
Yup, that's about the size of it. (sidenote: Can you tell I just watched the play Oklahoma--my, my, I sure do pick up on the idiosyncrasies of language right quick and then they get stuck in my writing and speech. You should hear me after I've watched the comedian Will Reagan! and when I write after reading Lord of the Rings--oh Middle Earth! haha) Learning to move out of His love, not just have a knowledge of it.
So, trust...watch that video and tell me that you will put yourself in a jeopardizing situation, out in the dark with a boy you don't know. Tell me you're going to trust your life to anyone but Jesus. There are some things that there are no two ways about--trust takes time and putting your life into someone else's hands is a big deal. It is worth it--who wouldn't want all that love behind them?--but the choice must be made careful. These are the forever things, dontcha know?
Thursday, November 21, 2013
"I Can't Sleep with Her! We Have History Together!"
I'm trying to see my life through new eyes...
I think--no, I know I grew up afraid. Afraid to get in other people's way, afriad to be a bother--how else do you explain a six-year-old choosing to walk home from school (more than a few miles across busy roads) because she thought the office ladies were "too busy"?
I think a lot of us grew up afraid. Courage is in short supply, especially in America. I mean, most of us walk around with our head down, afraid to meet the eyes of the people around us. Who taught us that? Why is that okay?
I just want something different.
This one is hard to write, because its too personal, it cuts too close to home, it reveals too much of my heart. But I'm learning, as I go through this life, that often the hardest subjects to bring up are the ones that need the most talking about--they need to come out into the open. So I admit it--I'm not good at loving. I grew up in a fear-based, controlling environment (a lot of things helped me realize this, such as reading Danny Silk's book, Keep Your Love On and the fight I've had against fear my whole life--which Jesus is helping me win!) and I'm almost as bad at loving as the main character in the movie, "Just Friends".
But I realized something--you can change. The guy from that movie did (I really wouldn't recommend the video except for the fact that he got it right at the end) and he's not real...why wouldn't I be able to? One of my best moments from that movie wasn't the end, but actually when they finally really connected, then she proposed "staying the night" like old times (they were best friends in high school and slept over but nothing happened then), then they shared a bed--and he couldn't/wouldn't make a move!
You know why? The next morning, when he's talking with a guy friend he says, "I can't sleep with Jamie! We have history together!"
Ahhh! Is anybody seeing how wonderfully this silly character tacked onto a point--you can't just sleep with someone who you actually care about. He really loved her and he couldn't use her.
I got stuck in Ephesians today and especially Ephesians 5 (seems to be a theme in my life--weirdly! I'm not married!). The chapter starts out talking about how as people given new life in Christ with a new perspective and identity (this is what the preceding chapters talk about) we should walk in love. We do not partner with those who do deeds of darkness (love alliteration!) but rather expose them and be filled with God's Spirit. Then this chapter on love ends by talking about ultimate expression of love: the love between a husband and wife.
See, this is why we crave "love" so and search for it so hard and fast--something in us knows that this is the one thing we need more than any other. It is the most powerful of relationships bar none. It literally keeps people together for years and when you see it in action it can take your breath away. We know this--but we don't know how to get this.
Because we have taken the cross out of love.
Instead of seeing what it can do for the other person, we have made it for ourselves. We have chosen to put our trust in our ability to produce in someone and pull from them the love we need...and then we see it fail, time and time again.
Because that's not the way it works. And that was never the example set for us. Check it out:
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
If any of you feel like you missed the mark, you're not alone. If any of you feel like the call is too large or you've missed the mark--there's grace! Jesus not only forgives, He also empowers those who belong to Him. Life will come as you follow His example: submitting, sacrificing, loving and respecting. This is not a winner-takes-all deal--He never wanted it to be that way. It's a Jesus-reigns-supreme kind of game--that's the choice you can make in your marriage. And don't yell at me when you both become more alive and hopeful as you learn to live this way!
I want to love my husband well, as much as I am enabled to, from the day I meet him until the day I die. I don't know what that looks like. It scares me. Even today I was telling God, "I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm awful at reciprocating love, letting people too close, etc. " But I believe He knows me and He knows him and He'll teach us as we go. He better send me someone I can respect! (haha) and I will learn to submit--and the goal of our marriage will be to put Christ on display. May He (Christ) love you too as you go forth on this journey--preparing for your marriage doesn't start after you get engaged and certainly doesn't start when you start dating--the time is NOW! May Jesus be your all in all and may He get the glory in how you choose to do relationship--with your significant other and otherwise!
I think--no, I know I grew up afraid. Afraid to get in other people's way, afriad to be a bother--how else do you explain a six-year-old choosing to walk home from school (more than a few miles across busy roads) because she thought the office ladies were "too busy"?
I think a lot of us grew up afraid. Courage is in short supply, especially in America. I mean, most of us walk around with our head down, afraid to meet the eyes of the people around us. Who taught us that? Why is that okay?
I just want something different.
This one is hard to write, because its too personal, it cuts too close to home, it reveals too much of my heart. But I'm learning, as I go through this life, that often the hardest subjects to bring up are the ones that need the most talking about--they need to come out into the open. So I admit it--I'm not good at loving. I grew up in a fear-based, controlling environment (a lot of things helped me realize this, such as reading Danny Silk's book, Keep Your Love On and the fight I've had against fear my whole life--which Jesus is helping me win!) and I'm almost as bad at loving as the main character in the movie, "Just Friends".
But I realized something--you can change. The guy from that movie did (I really wouldn't recommend the video except for the fact that he got it right at the end) and he's not real...why wouldn't I be able to? One of my best moments from that movie wasn't the end, but actually when they finally really connected, then she proposed "staying the night" like old times (they were best friends in high school and slept over but nothing happened then), then they shared a bed--and he couldn't/wouldn't make a move!
You know why? The next morning, when he's talking with a guy friend he says, "I can't sleep with Jamie! We have history together!"
Ahhh! Is anybody seeing how wonderfully this silly character tacked onto a point--you can't just sleep with someone who you actually care about. He really loved her and he couldn't use her.
I got stuck in Ephesians today and especially Ephesians 5 (seems to be a theme in my life--weirdly! I'm not married!). The chapter starts out talking about how as people given new life in Christ with a new perspective and identity (this is what the preceding chapters talk about) we should walk in love. We do not partner with those who do deeds of darkness (love alliteration!) but rather expose them and be filled with God's Spirit. Then this chapter on love ends by talking about ultimate expression of love: the love between a husband and wife.
See, this is why we crave "love" so and search for it so hard and fast--something in us knows that this is the one thing we need more than any other. It is the most powerful of relationships bar none. It literally keeps people together for years and when you see it in action it can take your breath away. We know this--but we don't know how to get this.
Because we have taken the cross out of love.
Instead of seeing what it can do for the other person, we have made it for ourselves. We have chosen to put our trust in our ability to produce in someone and pull from them the love we need...and then we see it fail, time and time again.
Because that's not the way it works. And that was never the example set for us. Check it out:
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
If any of you feel like you missed the mark, you're not alone. If any of you feel like the call is too large or you've missed the mark--there's grace! Jesus not only forgives, He also empowers those who belong to Him. Life will come as you follow His example: submitting, sacrificing, loving and respecting. This is not a winner-takes-all deal--He never wanted it to be that way. It's a Jesus-reigns-supreme kind of game--that's the choice you can make in your marriage. And don't yell at me when you both become more alive and hopeful as you learn to live this way!
I want to love my husband well, as much as I am enabled to, from the day I meet him until the day I die. I don't know what that looks like. It scares me. Even today I was telling God, "I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm awful at reciprocating love, letting people too close, etc. " But I believe He knows me and He knows him and He'll teach us as we go. He better send me someone I can respect! (haha) and I will learn to submit--and the goal of our marriage will be to put Christ on display. May He (Christ) love you too as you go forth on this journey--preparing for your marriage doesn't start after you get engaged and certainly doesn't start when you start dating--the time is NOW! May Jesus be your all in all and may He get the glory in how you choose to do relationship--with your significant other and otherwise!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
The Love I Bear
Some days you just have to write...I feel like I'm on the brink of figuring something out and parts of my heart have already been revealed to me today--its wild and good!
My days have been a wild whirl of trying to get everything done and be present (often overwhelmed) and deal with feeling isolated and out of control--it all felt like it was too much and yet I persevered--that's the crazy part. I don't know how I survived the last season of my life, it was literally the hardest season of my life. I have never been so stressed that I couldn't eat and made myself physically sick--until then!
And now...I'm floating in a pool of calm. I'm basically being paid to be a stay at home mom and I love it! My charge just turned three--months that is :) She sleeps, I read, whisper to God, sing, go on walks. These are the moments to just be--and I relish them, because really, I don't know what my life will look like in the next ten years and this might be the only pool of calm I get for a while. So I bask in it!
God's been speaking to me about marriage--again! (I know, its an old joke. I have no prospects and yet its the one thing that keeps coming up in conversation and in art that I have been doing--I am being taught about marriage and what it means to be a bride--even though I may never be one! haha...this seems to be a joke, but I know it isn't cruel--God's not like that. I may never be married, but marriage is one of the thrilling/mundane/original/common/out-of-this-world mysteries of this life--I don't mind learning!) And we're back...anyways, God revealed to me through an awesome Thomas Merton book that I had put my hope in marriage. This was something that I had no conscious idea of--until I read:
"All sin is rooted in the failure of love. All sin is a withdrawal of love from God, in order to love something else. Sin sets boundaries to our hope, and locks our love in prison. If we place our last end in something limited, we have withdrawn our hearts entirely from the service of the living God. If we continue to love Him as our end, but place our hope in something else together with Him, our love and our hope are not what they should be, for no man can serve two masters." (pg. 18 in No Man is an Island by Thomas Merton)
My "something else together with Him" had been marriage! Weird, I never realized...then I was like, why would I hope in marriage? what's the deal with that? The answer came immeadiately: "If I am married, it means that someone else thinks I have worth. Someone else sees me as valuable." WHOA!!! Criminey! (and I don't use that word) I was trying to answer that question and fend off that lie of "You are worthless" (which by the way, hangs over my whole family) by putting my hope in marriage.
Someday when you are married--you will have worth.
Someday when you are married--you will have a future.
Someday when you are married--you will have someone who sticks by you forever.
Someday when you are married--you won't be lonely.
Isn't it crazy what we believe and where we look for our satisfaction and hope? I was the kid who was terrified of marriage--so why would I have these beliefs about it? Perhaps the reason I was terrified was because if I did get married and it turned out that none of these hopes would be fulfilled, I would have nowhere else to turn. And in my mind, it was better not even to broach the subject--just reject it completely and all that it could offer and stay safe.
Aren't you glad God entered the picture of my life?
He calls me Bride. And He already answers all those questions and fulfills all my hopes completely without my having to persuade Him or make Him see that I'm worth it. What a hope, what a true hope that is...
Maybe I will get married someday. Maybe I'll remain single for the rest of my life. In any case, I know who holds my future. My hope is secure.
I'm reading Elisabeth Elliot's book Passion and Purity again with a new perspective. (In it she writes about the journey of her five? year relationship with Jim Elliot which lead to their eventual marriage.) I'm free to look at relationships and romance and the possibility of marriage without fear. I'm free to dream and wish without being overwhelmed--being married or not is no longer a live or die moment. If it happens, hallelujah!, and if not my hope remains. I am free--in a way I haven't been for years.
From Elisabeth's book:
"The greater the potential for good, the greater the potential for evil. That is what Jim and I found in the force of the love we bore for each other...A system of fixed values and relations held us apart, each holding the other in reverence for the Owner. His we were, all the rights were, all the prerogatives to give or to withhold according to the pattern of His will, which remained as yet a mystery to us...For us, this was the way we had to walk, and we walked it, Jim seeing it his duty to protect me, I seeing it mine to wait quietly, not to attempt to woo or entice..."
Then she goes on to quote Christina Rossetti's poem:
May I love like that.
This is held firmly in Your hands. Thank You Papa.
My days have been a wild whirl of trying to get everything done and be present (often overwhelmed) and deal with feeling isolated and out of control--it all felt like it was too much and yet I persevered--that's the crazy part. I don't know how I survived the last season of my life, it was literally the hardest season of my life. I have never been so stressed that I couldn't eat and made myself physically sick--until then!
And now...I'm floating in a pool of calm. I'm basically being paid to be a stay at home mom and I love it! My charge just turned three--months that is :) She sleeps, I read, whisper to God, sing, go on walks. These are the moments to just be--and I relish them, because really, I don't know what my life will look like in the next ten years and this might be the only pool of calm I get for a while. So I bask in it!
God's been speaking to me about marriage--again! (I know, its an old joke. I have no prospects and yet its the one thing that keeps coming up in conversation and in art that I have been doing--I am being taught about marriage and what it means to be a bride--even though I may never be one! haha...this seems to be a joke, but I know it isn't cruel--God's not like that. I may never be married, but marriage is one of the thrilling/mundane/original/common/out-of-this-world mysteries of this life--I don't mind learning!) And we're back...anyways, God revealed to me through an awesome Thomas Merton book that I had put my hope in marriage. This was something that I had no conscious idea of--until I read:
"All sin is rooted in the failure of love. All sin is a withdrawal of love from God, in order to love something else. Sin sets boundaries to our hope, and locks our love in prison. If we place our last end in something limited, we have withdrawn our hearts entirely from the service of the living God. If we continue to love Him as our end, but place our hope in something else together with Him, our love and our hope are not what they should be, for no man can serve two masters." (pg. 18 in No Man is an Island by Thomas Merton)
My "something else together with Him" had been marriage! Weird, I never realized...then I was like, why would I hope in marriage? what's the deal with that? The answer came immeadiately: "If I am married, it means that someone else thinks I have worth. Someone else sees me as valuable." WHOA!!! Criminey! (and I don't use that word) I was trying to answer that question and fend off that lie of "You are worthless" (which by the way, hangs over my whole family) by putting my hope in marriage.
Someday when you are married--you will have worth.
Someday when you are married--you will have a future.
Someday when you are married--you will have someone who sticks by you forever.
Someday when you are married--you won't be lonely.
Isn't it crazy what we believe and where we look for our satisfaction and hope? I was the kid who was terrified of marriage--so why would I have these beliefs about it? Perhaps the reason I was terrified was because if I did get married and it turned out that none of these hopes would be fulfilled, I would have nowhere else to turn. And in my mind, it was better not even to broach the subject--just reject it completely and all that it could offer and stay safe.
Aren't you glad God entered the picture of my life?
He calls me Bride. And He already answers all those questions and fulfills all my hopes completely without my having to persuade Him or make Him see that I'm worth it. What a hope, what a true hope that is...
Maybe I will get married someday. Maybe I'll remain single for the rest of my life. In any case, I know who holds my future. My hope is secure.
I'm reading Elisabeth Elliot's book Passion and Purity again with a new perspective. (In it she writes about the journey of her five? year relationship with Jim Elliot which lead to their eventual marriage.) I'm free to look at relationships and romance and the possibility of marriage without fear. I'm free to dream and wish without being overwhelmed--being married or not is no longer a live or die moment. If it happens, hallelujah!, and if not my hope remains. I am free--in a way I haven't been for years.
From Elisabeth's book:
"The greater the potential for good, the greater the potential for evil. That is what Jim and I found in the force of the love we bore for each other...A system of fixed values and relations held us apart, each holding the other in reverence for the Owner. His we were, all the rights were, all the prerogatives to give or to withhold according to the pattern of His will, which remained as yet a mystery to us...For us, this was the way we had to walk, and we walked it, Jim seeing it his duty to protect me, I seeing it mine to wait quietly, not to attempt to woo or entice..."
Then she goes on to quote Christina Rossetti's poem:
"Trust me, I have not earned your dear rebuke,--
I love, as you would have me, God the most;
Would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,
Nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look,
Unready to forego what I forsook;
This say I, having counted up the cost,
This, though I be the feeblest of God's host,
Yet while I love my God the most, I deem
That I can never love you over-much;
I love Him more, so let me love you too;
Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such
I cannot love you if I love not Him,
I cannot love Him, if I love not you."
May I love like that.
This is held firmly in Your hands. Thank You Papa.
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