I’ve been a mess this year, more than a few times.
Circumstances beyond my control coupled with people in my life who make
‘interesting’ choices have left me staring after them with a “What the…?” face
(you know the face) and often have resulted in tears as I try to process
through their brokenness. It’s one thing to know how people make disasters of
their lives, it’s another thing entirely to have someone close to you start
hop, skipping and jumping down that road.
At the beginning of this mess, I had a really hard time
processing it and in many ways had no safe place to process it (it wasn’t the
kind of stuff you bring up at work and that’s where I spent the majority of my
time). When I finally was around safe places (Bible study group) or people I
literally melted down. I couldn’t hold it all together anymore.
I think it scares people to see you weep, to lament. We live
in a culture where we keep quiet and safe and we keep all of our problems
close. I know. I was raised very well in this culture, even told that, as a
woman, I had no voice. I clearly remember the male figure (not my father) in my
life saying, “Are you sure that’s what you believe?” in a mocking, borderline
sarcastic tone as I shared what was really on my heart with him about a
situation. My opinion had no validity with him (this relationship has changed
as I and this person have grown older.) However, the idea was (if they could
have controlled me the way they wanted to): sit, down, shut up and do what we
expect you to with your life.
That’s perhaps a bit harsh—but that’s just to give you a
background on this already over timid daughter and to give glory to God because
He has pulled me through and created something out of all that murky timid
beginning that will put to shame anyone who wants to claim Christ is irrelevant
and out-of-date. Oh yeah? Well, look what He did with my life!!! No argument—He
is real. If He can take sheltered, quiet, perfectionist Robin and make her a
Warrior in the Kingdom—He can do anything. He can do anything.
I have been changed, set free, given a voice. Even through
these circumstances that stand before me now (I’m planning on being in Ireland
in two months—a lot goes into that!!!) I am not afraid. Even though some
members of my family are still walking down painful, broken roads, we’re not
afraid. Even though I have no idea what my future will look like, I have Him.
He’s good.
I see His goodness in the people He has set around me this
year. Some have not understood as I mourned, lamented in front of them—claiming
I have strayed from ‘trusting in the Lord’ but I have had other jewels in the
Kingdom teaching me that the Lord is for the ‘cry’. He asks us to cry out to
Him (literally ‘shriek’) in the Psalms, to raise a ‘shout’ to the Lord—this
Kingdom is about being LOUD.
So, I am not ashamed of being in crisis and being loud about
it—of course, I don’t run around shouting about how broken I am on the city
streets (I am not CRAZY) but I will break apart in front of safe people that He
allows me to be with and I will not hide my pain in a corner. I have friends
who are currently doing that and they are currently being undone by their
problems rather than undoing the problems.
I refuse to hide.
I refuse to be safe and respectable. I refuse to not
acknowledge my pain. I refuse to not cry about all that I see in my life that I
must see change. I refuse to be stagnant, to let my family continue as it
always has. I refuse to be the bland and predictable person the culture demands
I turn into. I refuse to do what the enemy plans—I am breaking into the Lord’s
camp!
And again, I am so grateful for the friends who have rallied
around—living out His Word as they sympathize with me and cry out alongside me
as we seek (through prayer) to call heaven down and bring about the best in our
family’s situations. They have been tenderhearted and they show me love when I
desperately need it. Best friends, mentors, all you beautiful people the Lord
fills with me at the right moments—thank you for being used of the Lord! You
lived out 1Peter 3:8 in front of me.
I suppose all of this is to say that I am not ashamed of
what I have gone through this year, nor any of my actions as I have processed
through the mess that can be life lived alongside other humans. I have not
always made the best decisions, but I keep believing in His goodness and what He
wants to do in me and my family.
He’s writing a beautiful story, ending unplanned—and I keep
seeing those things which other people claim as evil being transformed in His
hands into beauty. I am not afraid of the suffering—for it brings out the best
beauty in a life yielded to Him.
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