[For those of you reading and wondering what the heck is wrong with me: haha, my life is a mess and I'm just sifting it out here on this blog. I honestly have been fighting at the edge of despair lately--but haven't dropped off yet. He's still holding me, sustaining me even when everything in me fights to say this is not possible--you know, a hopeful, good God whose Daddy's heart is for me and is good...but--and here's the crazy part--He sees where I am and He's using all the brokenness and all the things I don't know how to let go of and winding it up all in His perfect time into something good. So if you want hope--read on.]
I've been writing a book for over a year now--called the Book of Hope. That may surprise you, knowing my story for the past year (full time school teacher? one and a half hours given to a commute every day? family fritzing out? any of this ringing a bell?) so okay--maybe I haven't been working at it every day for an hour for the past few months--haha. But today I went back to write--and boy, I wish I would do that all the time!
It's funny to read over something I wrote and forgot about (fairly frequent past-time, writing and promptly forgetting) but man!--this book is well named! If nothing else, it has brought me such hope and brought me back to the process God has for all of us and all He is going to do in our lives--and it's freakin' incredible!
I've been wondering and fretting over being in this moment where I know I need to shoot forward into all He has for me and yet--I have no clear direction and no true calling on my heart at this moment. No voice saying, "Go to India for two years"--all I have is a desire (which is completely freaking me out because I thought it was all so dead) and I feel like that's not enough to go on, but it's totally unearthing me and making it really uncomfortable right now to live out my current life.
I think most of all it makes me afraid--what if I make a wrong move and throw everything off kilter and never recover from it all? But then I read this again:
"'But no matter how much the mess and distortion make you want to despair, you can't abandon the work because you're chained to the bloody thing, it's absolutely woven into your soul and you know you can never rest until you've brought truth out of all the distortion and beauty out of all the mess - but it's agony, agony, agony - while simultaneously being the most wonderful and rewarding experience in the world - and that's the creative process which so few people understand. It involves an indestructible sort of fidelity, an insane sort of hope, and indescribable sort of ... well, it's love, isn't it? There's no other word for it ... And don't throw Mozart at me ... I know he claimed his creative process was no more than a form of automatic writing, but the truth was he sweated and slaved and died young giving birth to all that music. He poured himself out and suffered. That's the way it is. That's creation ... You can't create without waste and mess and sheer undiluted slog. You can't create without pain. It's all part of the process. It's in the nature of things. So in the end every major disaster, every tiny error, every wrong turning, every fragment of discarded clay, all the blood, sweat and tears - everything has meaning. I give it meaning. I reuse, reshape, recast all that goes wrong so that in the end nothing is wasted and nothing is without significance and nothing ceases to be precious to me.'"
(Rob Bell, Drops Like Stars)
and suddenly it made sense again.
I could lose my life completely at this point [like try something crazy and end up not making it (in my eyes)] but it just won't matter--He'll catch me and see me and make something beautiful out of it. I can't make a completely wrong move--He can use anything I do with my life and make something beautiful out of it. He's the One who loves and guides and is completely in charge-not me! This is not the time for fear and second guessing (I hate when I am stuck in that place!) but hope and moving forward.
God keep changing my heart--You are good--and You will lead with hope and certainty--so I can be FREE!
The Song I'm Learning to Sing:I Give In
The Song I'm Learning to Sing:I Give In
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