Every once in a great while,
something extraordinary happens. An epiphany comes, seemingly out of nowhere,
and your life is no longer the same. That’s what happened to me tonight…
I go to the Stirring every
weekend at 6pm, religiously. I was feeling a bit obstinate today, so I got
there late, sat alone, worship had already started. As we worshipped I was so
intent, like I’d never been before. I could hardly sing or move around (very
unusual for me). I gradually became aware that I felt like a newly married
bride—just wanting to be near her husband, hungry for him, not sure if she
could spend a day without him. That’s the strength and intensity of the desire
I felt. It was just bizarre. It took me over…no other focus. I just wanted to
be with my God, look Him in the face and hear the words He had to say to me. I
never wanted anything more; I’ll never want anything more—just to be with Him.
Needless to say, I was a
mess. When they started preaching, I immediately knew I needed to leave. I am a
shy, rule oriented person, so standing up in the middle of a church service,
gathering my things and walking out the door is not the norm for me. But there
was almost a roaring in my ears and I couldn’t even focus, I knew I had to just
go, Go, GO!
I left—and as I drove away I
began to realize what all this was welling up inside. All my life, I have been
chasing after other lovers. All my life…Each one got taken away from me, or I
chose to leave them (mostly they were taken, with my consent). I mean, I loved
my cat with all my heart, I loved Haiti, I loved S-----…when those weren’t
going on, my heart was always searching, creating little love affairs. I loved
so many—in my poor way—though they never knew. I was too afraid to publicly
love—that would require risk. So I built shadows of the dream that love is, and
was content, in my way, with these…I knew no other way.
They talked about loving
Orphans tonight—my calling perhaps because I was one. I only learned to truly
love another being with my first trip to Haiti, where God started ripping out
bits of my heart and began to put in beautiful bloody bits of His own. I began
to beat for a cause—and it ruined me. It brought me to the end of myself,
looking up at God, crying out for Him to do something! Make it better! Heal this
hurt! How can you live with this?” He smiled at me, comforted me, sang over
me…He knew I’d understand soon.
Then S------—the poor
sucker!—last of my shadow loves and most deadly. Loving him exposed the broken
parts of me—the lie I carried that hissed, “Unworthy”, the belief that I would
never be pursued—loving him ruined me. And I looked at God and moaned and said,
"I don’t know if I can bear this!” God took His broken daughter in His arms,
loved her past her shame and said, “You are my Bride.”
You are my Bride…broken,
hollow, empty, soulless, fearful…
He said it again, “You are my
Bride.” She began to look around, saw “Worthy, Adored, Radiant, Joy” written on
the walls of her heart. She began to hope.
“You are My Bride.” Destiny
pouring out for her, dreams taking shape, hope restored and restoration coming…
“YOU ARE MY BRIDE!” This last
one was a shout and with it all fear was dismantled. All that the little girl
had built her life upon was suddenly in tatters and she found herself looking
into the face of her King, her Father, her Bridegroom and laughing with Him at
it. And they began to rebuild together, from the inside out.
That is what is happening in
me. That is why I am overcome with my desire to be with Him—I know now who my
True Love is and my heart is finally able to feel all that it was created to
feel. And all that it wants—every beat of it—is to be with Him. It knows that
it can have no other lovers and that all it needs is found in Him, and so it
thirsts for Him achingly—oh to know the goodness of God and eat at His table.
No more wandering beggar in rags, trying to find crumbs where she could. Now I
know I am the Princess, the Desire of His Heart and I will preside at His
table. His banner over me is love and I shall never leave its shade.
I’m finally able to only want
you.
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