What do you do when the worst is confirmed? haha, maybe gain a new perspective and realize that from where you're sitting you cannot see everything that is before you. Let God be holy and remember He is in charge and He holds it all.
I got a call at about 8 am today...it was someone I knew, but only through phone conversations. She had called to tell me that the program I applied to go to Haiti through had filled all of their slots. They did not need any other female volunteers...
I had been trying to prepare myself for that call for a while. Rehearsing it in my mind, putitng the scenario before me and trying to brace...all my friends and people who knew me constantly encouraged me. "As soon as they meet you they'll want you!" But I never got the chance to meet them--my flight to Rhode Island got cancelled before I could even leave my city.
I count it a blessing--at least I'm trying to--I'm just not sure where to go from here. I could keep earning a liveable income as a teacher's aide at the school I love. Or I could take a chance and jump into student teaching, though I feel completely unprepared. I feel as though student teaching would lead me to living in my parent's house...while the other job would keep me in my city. I do not know which would be better for me at this point. I just don't know.
I feel like a balloon filled too full...so much pressure and I just don't know how to release it. I don't particularly want to be a elementary school teacher...oh God, I don't know!
I feel like its too much and I don't know what to do with it all...God, I trust You.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
I had to clean my purity ring today. What does that mean? That I've been wearing it too long? ;)
I hadn't realized how dirty I had let it get until it was clean again. The stones are just gleaming in their heart shaped setting and I am proud to wear it again. It catches the eye. It's gorgeous and sparkling and clean and pure...
Purity. What this ring symbolizes is a true battle. I had no idea when I accepted this ring from my father eight years ago how long the road would be, or what it would bring me. Eight years: that's most of high school, all of college and then some...That's a journey from living in m parents house to the dorms to my own townhouse...I was a student, a Resident Assistant, a hostess, a friend, a kindergarten teacher and I started to love someone in that time...well, more than just one person.
When I was fifteen, I envisioned being a missionary as a very easy thing to do. I think in part this was because I had never truly cared for anyone, not in the way that Jesus asks us to. Sure, I "loved" my brothers and sisters, my grandparents and parents...but not enough to be willing to sacrifice my life for them if it came down to that. I thought that this was the love that existed in me, but I had no idea...
This ring does not represent to me eight years of purity--though that is part of it. More importantly (and I am realizing this as I write, so bear with me) this ring represents all the ways that God has shown and put His love into me. Broken me, selfish me, neglectful me...He chose to put His love on display in my life the past eight years.
Haiti--Haiti was my first real taste of God's love, that desperate love that refuses to let go and dreams of the best for His children. My life was simple before Haiti: I had never been truly hurt or felt pain. I lived in a wonderful environment: loving (if sometimes emotionally absent) parents; crazy brothers and sisters; a clean, safe community where no one locked their doors (well, maybe that was just my parents thing, haha). I lived a sheltered life in the mountains made even more sheltered by a certain set apartness that I can only attribute to God being at work in my life. Everyone at my school knew I was a Christian and a good girl. I didn't ever even know about all the crazy things they did in high school...I was home with my parents :) [Don't worry, I eventually left the nest and surprisingly was able to function relatively well outside my parents home. I attribute that success to two things: 1) my utter dependence on God and 2) (which is a direct result of the first) all that God put into my life: good friends, safe environment, AWESOME NEW CHURCH!!! etc.]
College was where I learned who and where Haiti was (at first I wrongly hypothesized that it was part of Africa, tsk tsk) Haiti was my first real heart break...the reality of a place where children are not cared for swept over me and left me devastated. Children have always held a special place in my heart: they're so alive and joyful and needy and open...and to read of a place where they did not thrive was so shocking...the little girl whose story I read was named Carolyn. She was left in the streets for three days, just lying in a gutter, until someone came and picked her up. I wept for Carolyn and all children like her...but what could I do?
Missions is a part of what my college does and when they announced the trips for the next year, one was going to Haiti. I couldn't believe it! This was the place my heart had just ached for and here was someone talking about traveling there. What is the deal?!
I talked with a lot of leaders from other teams and they all sounded similar: ten day to three week trip, doing VBS and work projects, come join us! I had done those sorts of mission trips before and knew it wold be no stretch for me to join them. The Haiti team leader told it to me straight: no water or electricity, bucket showers, six to eight week long trip doing whatever needed to be done: feeding people, teaching Haitian pastors about children's ministry, etc.
I chose Haiti--or did I?
This all seems intricately planned, thinking back on it...
Anyways, God spent that year cultivating my heart to love the people of Haiti. I can't even begin to describe what happened to me: I just kept drawing close to God, spending time alone in the woods with Him and writing in my journal over and over: teach me, teach me, teach me! I went to Haiti that June-July and man! did I learn, everyday in a million ways. I learned the crushing weight of poverty, the hopelessness and powerlessness that every day a Haitian can feel. I learned their joy and strength in the face of overwhelming circumstances, their tenacity and perseverance. I loved them and they became my family--and then I had to leave them.
God showed me the love of a Father that first time in Haiti. I was blessed to see them as He sees them: rejoicing with them ( a few received news that they had graduated from high school while we were there), laughing and singing and worshipping with them, seeing them work harder than any other people I have ever known...it was a glorious time. We didn't do any of those things that we had planned to do while we were in America and I almost went stir crazy from inactivity...but that time, hard as it was, will always be treasured in my mind. I was no longer someone who talked about the poor--now I knew who they were. They had faces and names and families and...
I went back to the U.S. It was a hard transition in some ways. I remember going to buy running shoes with my dad and crying when I realized we were going to pay $100 altogether for them. That money could be used in so many ways! I don't deserve it! Please don't! My father didn't listen to me (and I got my money's worth out of those shoes, as I ran on the cross country team in college that year)...but yeah. I was different now.
Eight years of love...but the last five have been the most moving and soul wrenching. Have you ever watched a nation bleed? That's how it felt when I saw what happened in Haiti after the earthquake. The whole nation ripping into pieces before my eyes. Why God? Why again? When will things change, when can we have real hope? I went before the Lord right after seeing the news footage and kept going to Him every night on their behalf. He comforted me--me! who was safe and relatively happy (okay, in anguish)--He spoke right to me and gave me hope and then put a dream in me. Sometimes a system/government/way of life has to be broken down completely in order for a new one to take its place. Haiti is in for a spiritual awakening beyond its dreams.
You almost lost me. I almost fell in love with a boy and the two (Haiti and him) wouldn't have any of each other. I was torn and confused (overridden by feelings for this guy, but knowing Haiti was where I was headed) and so I kept this boy in the dark, unsure of me, and he made his choice: someone else. I was glad but devastated and still hopeful: maybe things would work out between us? It's taken me a little under a year to be able to look at him and not have all of that rush to the surface: all the hopes and heart wrenches and wonderings. Now I can sit in a car with him and his girlfriend and act normal. Hurray for me!
Know what kind of love God taught me that year? It was wonderful and there's so much: first of all, I realized how all consuming love can be. This guy was daily in my thoughts--I can remember spending at least a hour trying to get him out of my head and then I'd see him for two minutes and all my efforts would be in vain. I fought it, fought the obsession and, well, you know! Girls are just nuts when it comes to guys...I had never realized the extent of our madness until I really liked someone. Frankly, it is terrifying! This person has total control over you, even if they don't know it. Their reactions to you can make your day or they can devastate you. Seeing them again after a summer away and knowing that they are dating someone else now can cause your heart to try to rip out of your chest (its a really painful feeling--and its real! Your heart literally hurts!) So...learning this kind of love was really difficult...but it made me realize a few things about God.
#1. We can really hurt Him.
He has this love for us that goes beyond comprehension, even though He knows everything about us, He still looks at us and longs for us to be with Him. When we disobey and turn away to other gods who are just out to seduce us and hurt us, it hurts Him.
#2. His love consumes Him.
When the Bible talks about us being continually on God's mind, that's not just another cute saying: it's really true. He cannot stop thinking about us and the dreams He has for us, the future! He's so excited.
#3. He is faithful.
I felt deep shame for how far I had let this boy come into my heart. I felt cheated and weak and humiliated. I didn't want God to know me like this, I didn't want to look at Him. I spent all kinds of time doing other things, staying away from God and trying to bury the hurt. But God wouldn't let me go. He wouldn't even let me gloss over the pain. He made me look at the wound, see what I'd done and told me that it mattered...it mattered and He wanted to heal it. It mattered and it wasn't the end of me. It mattered but it wasn't going to stop me from moving into all that He had planned for me. In the midst of my pain, He was a sweet, still, patient voice...and we moved out of the wilderness together.
My journey...eight years with this ring and this God and these promises. They are so precious. I wouldn't have changed anything about them...and I really mean that. The pain has been their and has been intense (I'm sensitive...so what others can get through quickly takes me awhile) but the love I have learned has all been worth it. I am so thankful to be caught up in the arms of a loving Daddy, a prince who is bringing about my heavenly ever after. This is no dream...but my beautiful reality. Thank you, Lord. Lead me on into the glorious unknown.
I hadn't realized how dirty I had let it get until it was clean again. The stones are just gleaming in their heart shaped setting and I am proud to wear it again. It catches the eye. It's gorgeous and sparkling and clean and pure...
Purity. What this ring symbolizes is a true battle. I had no idea when I accepted this ring from my father eight years ago how long the road would be, or what it would bring me. Eight years: that's most of high school, all of college and then some...That's a journey from living in m parents house to the dorms to my own townhouse...I was a student, a Resident Assistant, a hostess, a friend, a kindergarten teacher and I started to love someone in that time...well, more than just one person.
When I was fifteen, I envisioned being a missionary as a very easy thing to do. I think in part this was because I had never truly cared for anyone, not in the way that Jesus asks us to. Sure, I "loved" my brothers and sisters, my grandparents and parents...but not enough to be willing to sacrifice my life for them if it came down to that. I thought that this was the love that existed in me, but I had no idea...
This ring does not represent to me eight years of purity--though that is part of it. More importantly (and I am realizing this as I write, so bear with me) this ring represents all the ways that God has shown and put His love into me. Broken me, selfish me, neglectful me...He chose to put His love on display in my life the past eight years.
Haiti--Haiti was my first real taste of God's love, that desperate love that refuses to let go and dreams of the best for His children. My life was simple before Haiti: I had never been truly hurt or felt pain. I lived in a wonderful environment: loving (if sometimes emotionally absent) parents; crazy brothers and sisters; a clean, safe community where no one locked their doors (well, maybe that was just my parents thing, haha). I lived a sheltered life in the mountains made even more sheltered by a certain set apartness that I can only attribute to God being at work in my life. Everyone at my school knew I was a Christian and a good girl. I didn't ever even know about all the crazy things they did in high school...I was home with my parents :) [Don't worry, I eventually left the nest and surprisingly was able to function relatively well outside my parents home. I attribute that success to two things: 1) my utter dependence on God and 2) (which is a direct result of the first) all that God put into my life: good friends, safe environment, AWESOME NEW CHURCH!!! etc.]
College was where I learned who and where Haiti was (at first I wrongly hypothesized that it was part of Africa, tsk tsk) Haiti was my first real heart break...the reality of a place where children are not cared for swept over me and left me devastated. Children have always held a special place in my heart: they're so alive and joyful and needy and open...and to read of a place where they did not thrive was so shocking...the little girl whose story I read was named Carolyn. She was left in the streets for three days, just lying in a gutter, until someone came and picked her up. I wept for Carolyn and all children like her...but what could I do?
Missions is a part of what my college does and when they announced the trips for the next year, one was going to Haiti. I couldn't believe it! This was the place my heart had just ached for and here was someone talking about traveling there. What is the deal?!
I talked with a lot of leaders from other teams and they all sounded similar: ten day to three week trip, doing VBS and work projects, come join us! I had done those sorts of mission trips before and knew it wold be no stretch for me to join them. The Haiti team leader told it to me straight: no water or electricity, bucket showers, six to eight week long trip doing whatever needed to be done: feeding people, teaching Haitian pastors about children's ministry, etc.
I chose Haiti--or did I?
This all seems intricately planned, thinking back on it...
Anyways, God spent that year cultivating my heart to love the people of Haiti. I can't even begin to describe what happened to me: I just kept drawing close to God, spending time alone in the woods with Him and writing in my journal over and over: teach me, teach me, teach me! I went to Haiti that June-July and man! did I learn, everyday in a million ways. I learned the crushing weight of poverty, the hopelessness and powerlessness that every day a Haitian can feel. I learned their joy and strength in the face of overwhelming circumstances, their tenacity and perseverance. I loved them and they became my family--and then I had to leave them.
God showed me the love of a Father that first time in Haiti. I was blessed to see them as He sees them: rejoicing with them ( a few received news that they had graduated from high school while we were there), laughing and singing and worshipping with them, seeing them work harder than any other people I have ever known...it was a glorious time. We didn't do any of those things that we had planned to do while we were in America and I almost went stir crazy from inactivity...but that time, hard as it was, will always be treasured in my mind. I was no longer someone who talked about the poor--now I knew who they were. They had faces and names and families and...
I went back to the U.S. It was a hard transition in some ways. I remember going to buy running shoes with my dad and crying when I realized we were going to pay $100 altogether for them. That money could be used in so many ways! I don't deserve it! Please don't! My father didn't listen to me (and I got my money's worth out of those shoes, as I ran on the cross country team in college that year)...but yeah. I was different now.
Eight years of love...but the last five have been the most moving and soul wrenching. Have you ever watched a nation bleed? That's how it felt when I saw what happened in Haiti after the earthquake. The whole nation ripping into pieces before my eyes. Why God? Why again? When will things change, when can we have real hope? I went before the Lord right after seeing the news footage and kept going to Him every night on their behalf. He comforted me--me! who was safe and relatively happy (okay, in anguish)--He spoke right to me and gave me hope and then put a dream in me. Sometimes a system/government/way of life has to be broken down completely in order for a new one to take its place. Haiti is in for a spiritual awakening beyond its dreams.
You almost lost me. I almost fell in love with a boy and the two (Haiti and him) wouldn't have any of each other. I was torn and confused (overridden by feelings for this guy, but knowing Haiti was where I was headed) and so I kept this boy in the dark, unsure of me, and he made his choice: someone else. I was glad but devastated and still hopeful: maybe things would work out between us? It's taken me a little under a year to be able to look at him and not have all of that rush to the surface: all the hopes and heart wrenches and wonderings. Now I can sit in a car with him and his girlfriend and act normal. Hurray for me!
Know what kind of love God taught me that year? It was wonderful and there's so much: first of all, I realized how all consuming love can be. This guy was daily in my thoughts--I can remember spending at least a hour trying to get him out of my head and then I'd see him for two minutes and all my efforts would be in vain. I fought it, fought the obsession and, well, you know! Girls are just nuts when it comes to guys...I had never realized the extent of our madness until I really liked someone. Frankly, it is terrifying! This person has total control over you, even if they don't know it. Their reactions to you can make your day or they can devastate you. Seeing them again after a summer away and knowing that they are dating someone else now can cause your heart to try to rip out of your chest (its a really painful feeling--and its real! Your heart literally hurts!) So...learning this kind of love was really difficult...but it made me realize a few things about God.
#1. We can really hurt Him.
He has this love for us that goes beyond comprehension, even though He knows everything about us, He still looks at us and longs for us to be with Him. When we disobey and turn away to other gods who are just out to seduce us and hurt us, it hurts Him.
#2. His love consumes Him.
When the Bible talks about us being continually on God's mind, that's not just another cute saying: it's really true. He cannot stop thinking about us and the dreams He has for us, the future! He's so excited.
#3. He is faithful.
I felt deep shame for how far I had let this boy come into my heart. I felt cheated and weak and humiliated. I didn't want God to know me like this, I didn't want to look at Him. I spent all kinds of time doing other things, staying away from God and trying to bury the hurt. But God wouldn't let me go. He wouldn't even let me gloss over the pain. He made me look at the wound, see what I'd done and told me that it mattered...it mattered and He wanted to heal it. It mattered and it wasn't the end of me. It mattered but it wasn't going to stop me from moving into all that He had planned for me. In the midst of my pain, He was a sweet, still, patient voice...and we moved out of the wilderness together.
My journey...eight years with this ring and this God and these promises. They are so precious. I wouldn't have changed anything about them...and I really mean that. The pain has been their and has been intense (I'm sensitive...so what others can get through quickly takes me awhile) but the love I have learned has all been worth it. I am so thankful to be caught up in the arms of a loving Daddy, a prince who is bringing about my heavenly ever after. This is no dream...but my beautiful reality. Thank you, Lord. Lead me on into the glorious unknown.
Monday, June 11, 2012
This year is contemplating...it's different from any other year that I have known in my life.
I have a lot. And I think it might be a problem. I have a lot of stuff: camera, computer, BOOKS!!! (everywhere), a water bottle, more books, clothes, guitar, swimsuit (I'm just naming stuff in the room I'm in), dresser, tons of picture frames, a facebook account, friends, books...always books, pictures, writing utensils, dishes, journals, Hebrew/Greek Bible...I think you get it. And you could make the same list too. It's a lot that we carry around and attach to ourselves. I'm actually feeling a little bit overwhelmed thinking about it all.
The reason I bring this up is that I'm contemplating leaving it all behind...
I used to think I could be a missionary with no problem. Then I grew up. Now I think I could still be a missionary with a LOT of help from God :) And do you know what He has done? He made me fall in love!!! No, not that way, there won't be a wedding soon :) It's a different kind of love and passion than any I have ever known (not that I'm experienced) The people God has me falling in love with are the Haitians.
It sounds so strange to talk about being in love with a group of people. It didn't even happen on purpose (at least, not my purpose). But there it is, Haiti and me...and I have exactly no idea where this is going :)
But I might be a teacher for a year in the little country I love. I might leave behind all my stuff and my family and my life and be someone new in someplace new...Haiti, without cell phones and facebook and maybe even this blog...
Somehow I don't think I'll miss it too much...
- It's all the things I always wanted but living them out is harder than I ever anticipated...
- It's learning total trust (always the lesson I'm needing to learn :) and letting go...
- It's really being on my own and feeling like I'm floundering (you know that moment when you first hit the water?) but actually making it
I have a lot. And I think it might be a problem. I have a lot of stuff: camera, computer, BOOKS!!! (everywhere), a water bottle, more books, clothes, guitar, swimsuit (I'm just naming stuff in the room I'm in), dresser, tons of picture frames, a facebook account, friends, books...always books, pictures, writing utensils, dishes, journals, Hebrew/Greek Bible...I think you get it. And you could make the same list too. It's a lot that we carry around and attach to ourselves. I'm actually feeling a little bit overwhelmed thinking about it all.
The reason I bring this up is that I'm contemplating leaving it all behind...
I used to think I could be a missionary with no problem. Then I grew up. Now I think I could still be a missionary with a LOT of help from God :) And do you know what He has done? He made me fall in love!!! No, not that way, there won't be a wedding soon :) It's a different kind of love and passion than any I have ever known (not that I'm experienced) The people God has me falling in love with are the Haitians.
It sounds so strange to talk about being in love with a group of people. It didn't even happen on purpose (at least, not my purpose). But there it is, Haiti and me...and I have exactly no idea where this is going :)
But I might be a teacher for a year in the little country I love. I might leave behind all my stuff and my family and my life and be someone new in someplace new...Haiti, without cell phones and facebook and maybe even this blog...
Somehow I don't think I'll miss it too much...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)